Customer Reviews

Christmas on Crack

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This collection is a lot of fun. Just look at the cover and you know what kind of book you're getting yourself into. The stories are like the kind of thing you'd expect from Troma or John Waters, if they decided to film some Christmas tales. These tales aren't erotica. Trashy, yes, but not erotic. A lot of stories just happen to involve sex, but really are designed to poke fun at the happy Christmas stories you grew up with as a kid. There are parodies of Frosty the Snowman, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Vacation, and others. These stories answer questions like: What if the kids who brought Frosty to life were immediately run over by a snowplow leaving the poor snowman to face the cruel world all on his own? What if Santa was a homeless drifter? What if giant crabs attacked the world on Christmas morning? What if batteries were having sex once put inside of christmas toys? All of the stories start out pretty strange but just get stranger and stranger. Like Mellick's novel Sausagey Santa, Christmas on Crack is another bizarro christmas book that you'll want to read every year.

I'll try to contain myself here. Before this book, Christmas meant nothing to me anymore. The Christmas spirit in me had long died. I was desensitized to cheer and goodwill on earth and all that garbage, it seemed so fake anymore. So it's crazy that it took something as sick, pornographic, violent, and fun as Christmas on Crack to reignite my passion for the holidays. I immediately went out and got a Christmas tree and felt alive again. These are MY KIND of Christmas stories. I've never been more thrilled during the holiday season.

The stories -

Santa Claus and the Elves of F**k (Jordan Krall)

The book kicks off with a bang with one of the craziest Christmas stories I've ever read, involving a cheating Santa Claus, his vengeful wife Mrs. Claus, an elite team of Elf assassins, and a sinister Peppermint woman who resides in a Christmas-y house of horrors and kidnaps Santa. The story is serious, suspenseful, messed-up, weird, oftentimes hilarious, and also includes a lot of Jordan Krall's bizarre sexual fetish madness I love. There're so many twists on it this time and it's so creative that I really think he outdid himself.

Frosty and the Full Monty (Jeff Burk)

This one is just shocking and probably the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. Frosty the Snowman coming to life and becoming addicted to meth, goes to prison, ends up dancing in a bar and giving bikers "snowjobs"? You've got to be kidding me! It's the best thing ever written on the subject of the magical snowman, who always bored me and finally gets what he deserves in my opinion.

Two-Way Santa (Kevin L. Donihe)

This one was extremely touching for me, and ended-up having one of the most shocking, out-of-the-blue endings to anything I've ever read. I had an emotional attachment to the story kind of, because I related to the main character, who likes to invite the homeless out of the cold and into his house to care for them, give them liquor, and even spoon with them. That's something I used to do a lot when I was younger and naive, with drug addicts, schizophrenics, and other people who had no place to stay. But none of them ever turned out to be SANTA CLAUS! Definitely one of my favorite stories ever, Christmas tale or otherwise.

The Christmas Turn-On (Edmund Collel)

An extremely pornographic story about batteries who turn Christmas morning into a sexual adventure. Even though it was hard for me to imagine batteries having sex, the story is a lot of madcap fun. There's been a lot of "toys-coming-to-life-on-Christmas" stories before, but none with the original idea of what the batteries inside the toys are doing. I never had any idea. No wonder they burn out so fast, LOL!

The Elf-Slut Sisters (Cameron Pierce and Kirsten Alene)

Wow. Oh my god. This story is an explosive, non-stop, horribly graphic sexual escapade from the get-go. There simply can't be a story as blasphemous and ungodly as The Elf-Slut Sisters. I always look for writers who can push the envelope on sick stuff and this writing duo have blown my mind. This is EXACTLY the stuff I like. In my opinion you can never go too far. This is a real page-turner, shocking and unpredictable, and so constantly hilarious and perverted that I might just finally admit - I need help.

Christmas Crabs (Kevin Shamel)

Possibly my favorite story in the book, it's a full-fledged family Christmas story, devoid of any pornographic adventures like the previous ones in here, but instead full of intense violence, knee-slapping humor, and an apocalyptic end-of-the-world theme involving giant crabs who shoot lazer beams out of their claws. The setting involves a relatable story about a family man who plans the best Christmas day ever, but has a monkey wrench thrown into those plans when everyone gets stone crabs in their Christmas presents instead of their real gifts. A note attached says "add water", and you can guess where it goes from there. The best part about the story is that the main character still tries, and INSISTS, on having their regular family Christmas, despite giant crabs running all over killing everyone. That's what makes it one of the funniest, and classic Christmas tales ever, but with a great twist and horrifying circumstance. Kind of reminds me of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but if it was a horror movie. In the end it's a sweet tale about family, the holidays, and pulling together to survive. It's the most Christmas-y thing ever.

Christmas on Crack is a great collection of Christmas stories, a must-have buy for every fiction fan, no matter the season, and as delightful as getting your favorite toy on Christmas morning. I'd recommend shocking your family with this as a stocking stuffer next holiday season.

Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on her unfaithful husband. Giants crabs with laser trying to ruin the perfect Christmas. Elf porn!

These are the Christmas-themed Bizarro short stories that make up "Christmas on Crack," edited by Carlton Mellick III. Yes, I chose to read this one in time for the holidays. Because I'm just that twisted.

You'll have your pick from thoroughly Bizarro stories here, and there's no shortage of Bizarro-ness. There also no shortage of Christmas-ness in these stories, rather than stories that are only loosely related to Christmas. Which is strange when you think about the latter. Christmas is a holiday that really lends itself well to this genre. A quick summary for each story is as follows:

Santa Claus and the Elves of F*** by Jordan Krall:

Mrs. Claus puts a hit out on Santa for stepping out on her. But did he really step out, or has he been kidnapped?

Frosty and the Full Monty by Jeff Burk:

Frosty comes to life, but finds that living snowmen are addiction-prone, particularly to ice. Snowjobs aplenty.

Unwanted Gifts by Andrew Goldfarb:

A short, one page cartoon.

Two-Way Santa by Kevin L. Donihe:

Santa has quit his north pole gig, but is now homeless. That is, until someone gives him a place to stay for the night...

The Christmas Turn-On by Edmund Colell:

Imagine that the batteries used in your Christmas toys were alive and looked forward to Christmas because to them it was one big orgy.

The Elf-Slut Sisters by Cameron Pierce and Kirsten Alene:

In short, elf porn. Dark elf porn. Twisted and dark elf porn.

Christmas Crabs by Kevin Shamel:

Giant crabs with lasers try to ruin Christmas, but Rudy Olen won't let that stop him from having the perfect family Christmas.

So, how are they? As is often the case with anthologies, some of these stories are better than others, and it's really according to taste, but there's really not a miss among them. They're all solid stories told in a few pages each. My particular favorite was Christmas Crabs, but again this is likely according to taste as this story brought up memories of "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," a classic in its own right. The Elf Slut Sisters might be a little disturbing, no make that a lot disturbing, to those who aren't prepared or haven't read things by Cameron Pierce before. Fortunately, I've read and reviewed "Ass Goblins of Aushwitz" previously, so I had some idea what I was in for.

If you're looking for some really messed-up Christmas stories, this is the place. There's something for everyone and every level and type of dementia (we're all a little mad). At the same time, being short stories by different authors, there are going to be certain stories that simply won't click with some readers. It's a measured risk with anthologies. However, I can still give the collection a hearty recommendation.

"Christmas on Crack," edited by Carlton Mellick III, earns 4 "Ho's" our of 5.

A collection of bizarre Christmas stories from some of Bizarro's best talents.

You get Frosty the Snowman, elves, reindeer, crabs, and the big man himself, Santa, and, yes, I said crabs! Crabs that shoot lasers!

If you are a fan of the bizarro genre, you must add this book to your collection now. I guarantee you won't find anything else like it out there!

This anthology is wild. It's so bizarre. Its more bizarre than most bizarro. And its grimy. I mean, its really vile at times. It rivals some of the nastier Edward Lee stuff.

The best story in the book is Kevin Donihe. Its actually one of my favorite bizarro short storys. Its perverted as hell. but, at the same time, its actually kinda sweet.

The nastiest is by Cameron peirce and Kirsten Allen. It's the porniest, goriest, Christmas tales ever written. I loved it.

Its all good actually. Every page is a blast. It a great stocking stuffer.

My first review wasn't allowed. Here's an edited version:

I wasn't sure I wanted to read these Christmas stories, but I am so glad I did. Yes these are bizarre stories and some may call them different (had to edit this part), but they were so much fun to read! I definitely won't be placing this book among the 200+ Christmas books my mom puts on display every December at their house. Although, maybe that would be fun to do. Quietly sneak this book onto the piano with some of the others and watch for the reactions. Carlton, you are going to get me disowned.

All of the stories are fun to read. My two favorites are "Santa Claus and the Elves of F" (insert f word here, had to edit this part too) by Jordan Krall and "Christmas Crabs" by Kevin Shamel.

Pick up a copy of this book before December. When Christmas comes around send the kids to bed early, or whoever might get offended, heat up some spiced cider, throw an extra log on the fire, and enjoy Christmas eve with a loved one (or whatever) while reading this collection of really messed up but totally awesome Christmas stories.

Do you like your Christmas stories to be warped, twisted, trashy, and, in some cases, pornographic? Well, here you go - Plenty of weird going on here, from bizarro heavy-hitters like Cameron Pierce, Jordan Krall, Jeff Burk, Kevin Donihe and Kevin Shamel, among others. Put this on the shelf next to Carlton Mellick's "Sausagey Santa", and have yourself a twisted little Christmas.

This was a bizarro Christmas wonderland. I loved all the great twisted stories that were involved here. Well, if your like me and always wondered if Santa could be faithful all these years, you see that the man in red needs to get some strange now and then too. This book has it all from elf sister porn, to a Griswald family style Christmas story with killer crabs that have lasers attached to them. Christmas is a time for bizarro, that is for sure. If you haven't read some of the up and coming authors in the genre this is a great place to start and get acclimated to their style. Thank you Carlton Mellick III for bringing us this great treat. This Christmas all I want is some more Crack please!!!

This is a collection of 7 bizarro Christmas stories from various authors of the genre and compiled by Carlton Mellick III. These tales place cherished Christmas icons and traditions on a mantle...then blast them to smithereens with a double-barrelled shotgun. The stories feature, among other things, a philandering Santa, a junkie-stripper Frosty the Snowman and a pair of elf sisters who are into some pretty kinky stuff. One of the more interesting concepts to me was the story "The Christmas Turn On" by Edmund Colell, which is from the third-person point of view of a AA battery on Christmas morning. I enjoyed the collection as a whole, but I'd have to say that my favorites are "Frosty and the Full Monty" by Jeff Burk, "Christmas Crabs" by Kevin Shamel and "Two Way Santa" by Kevin Donihe (which is actually pretty darn disturbing). So grab some eggnog and enjoy!