50 of 53 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Humorous, Helpful Advice for Happier Parents and Teens, December 3, 2001
This review is from: Closing the Gap : A Strategy For Bringing Parents And Teens Together (Paperback)
This book will be helpful to both teens and parents. You do not need to have your parents or your teen read the book to get benefit from Closing the Gap. You can simply begin closing the gap from your side.
Mr. Jay McGraw (older son of Dr. Phil McGraw of Life Strategies, Relationship Rescue, and Self Matters fame), aged 22, has done it again! This book is another fine effort in improving communications within families.
At age 22, Mr. McGraw is close enough to being a teenager to know what it's like and close enough to being removed from the teenage years that he can see the parental perspective. Favoring neither perspective, he is like a matchmaker bringing together two shy people who are in love with one another . . . but unwilling to declare their love.
The book opens with a heart rending story of Jennine at age 25. This woman became pregnant as an unmarried teen, dropped out of school, has been a substance abuser, has been married and divorced twice, and is just recovering from a serious automobile accident (among other problems). At a Life Strategies seminar she is attending as a guest of her parents, she turns to her parents and savagely asks, "Why did you let me throw my life away when you knew better and I was being a complete moron? "Why didn't you make me do right?" Teens: Do you want to become Jennine? Parents: Do you want your children to ask you these questions someday?
To assess how well you are communicating, the book offers a brief quiz for parents about teens for teens about parents. If you are like me, you will find you have some room for improvement!
The book is built around the philosophy of win-win negotiating. "So, teens: if you want your parents to do what you want, all you have to do is figure out what their needs are and meet them." This must occur within the context of a lot of communication. The number one factor in home life quality is "the number of words spoken!!"
The book explores teen myths (such as "my parents don't want me to have any fun" which often relates to parents wanting their teens to be safe), parent myths (such as "a good relationship is a peaceful one" underneath which all kinds of problems may fester), teen land mines (such as "thinking you are a lost cause" when everyone is ready to help you and you probably haven't really tried all that hard), dos and don'ts for parents (such as having a "clear boundary between parent role and buddy role"), and dos and don'ts for teens (such as "look before you leap, but do leap" as a way to become more competent).
There's also a fine section on anger management that teens and parents both need.
The book then proceeds to explain how parents and teens can reconnect by deciding what they each want out of the relationship, explaining their own needs, finding out what the other's needs are, and working out a plan for reconnecting. The book has some forms that you can use for this purpose. If your parent or teen won't fill one out, you can try filling it out for them and showing them the result for comments. The needs described are usually for belonging, security, self-esteem, vocational and artistic expression, love and affection.
The book has lots of good suggestions for activities to do together that will encourage conversation (all of those hours together watching E.R. don't count!).
I was impressed by the advice for helping teens keep the conversation going. Rather than sulking away after being told "no" teens are encourage to ask an automatic "why not?" so that they can uncover problems they can solve . . . or at least learn something from the refusal that may help in the future.
Although this is a serious subject, I thought that the humor was helpful leavening. Here's an example: Mr. McGraw cites that "ancient British philosopher Mick Jagger." He also talks about the wisdom of parents who once liked Nehru suits.
You can summarize the book as advising teens to explain why what they plan to do will probably be safe and reasonable and parents to explain their concerns about the teen's plans. In the moment of silence that follows, useful thoughts and conversation may occur. I hope they do!
As a parent of three former teens and one current teen, I found the advice fitted with my sense from experience that explaining why is very important to helping younger people develop understanding and judgment. On the other hand, you do not want to frighten young people with the worst case scenario, so you need to preplan gentle ways to get the point across. Practice helps!
Go talk to your teen! Go talk to your parents!
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17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
closing future gaps, March 27, 2004
This review is from: Closing the Gap : A Strategy For Bringing Parents And Teens Together (Paperback)
The bad news is that for myself and my own teenagers this book came a little late...about 10 years. The good news is that for my now adult children and my soon to be 8 grandchildren you can never start to early to prepare yourself and your kids for those teenage years. I bought 5 copies of Closing the Gap. I originally bought one to give to my younger brother who's daughter is in the midst of teenage years-15. He started asking me what I had done when my kids were going through the insanity. I was flattered he valued my opinion until I gave it and he said "Thanks, now at least I know what not to do." I took it as a joke, but truth be told, I had made a mistake or 12. I bought him the book so he would have a clue of what was the 'right' thing to do. I didn't intend to read it(teenagers??? been there, done that, don't want to go back), but picked it up one night out of boredom, expecting to get a laugh or two out of some old memories and a chuckle over my brothers reactions to what I thought would be the 'experts' advice. I did get a chuckle, but I also got a surprise...I wished I could of had that book way before my kids became teens.
In the true Mcgraw fashion it's common sense slapped right in your face at precicely the correct velocity to make you open your eyes without making it hurt so bad you refuse to see the truth. I am sending a copy to each of my 4 children for my birthday. I can't think of a better birthday present than to give my grandchildren an edge my children didn't have. This little book made a big difference in my outlook and hopefully will make a big difference in the future of those most precious to me.
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21 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Worthy of Consideration On Its Own Merit, December 26, 2002
This review is from: Closing the Gap : A Strategy For Bringing Parents And Teens Together (Paperback)
When reviewing this book as well as Life Strategies for Teens, I do so as a father and grandfather. It remains for teenagers (for whom the books were written) to suggest the relevance, indeed the value of one or both to them. Obviously, he has been influenced by the opinions of his father. (That is true of all sons.) Also obvious is the fact that McGraw agrees with his father that closing the gap between potential and fulfillment is highly beneficial for anyone, regardless of age or circumstance. He is primarily interested in the gap which often develops between a teenager and her or his parents. Indeed, teenagers (as do adults) also have all manner of relationships with non-family members; those with peers can sometimes have greater influence on their values and behavior than do any others.
My own personal experience suggests that most of the major problems in parent-teenager relationships are caused by (a) breakdowns in communication between them which result in misunderstandings, distrust, and frustration and/or (b) diminished self-image which results in a deep and painful sense of inadequacy and, in some instances, a sense of complete failure. McGraw offers several excellent guidelines for closing various "gaps" while realizing, I assume, that a parent's relationship with a 13-year old son or daughter poses for each quite different challenges than does a parent's relationship with a 19-year old. These challenges are complicated by certain issues which are unique to mother-son, mother-daughter, father-son, and father-daughter. Hence the importance of effective communication to each of these four relationships during the years through which a daughter or son proceeds from 13 to 19.
McGraw should not be expected to provide all of the "right answers." No longer a teenager but not yet a parent (insofar as I know), he should also not be expected to ask all the "right questions." The value of his book will probably vary, depending on how receptive a parent or teenager is to considering a 22-year old's opinions and recommendations. My own suggestion is that the content of this book should be carefully considered on its own merit, without regard to the identify or age of its author.
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