Customer Reviews

Co-Dependence: Misunderstood--Mistreated

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In a hundred pages Scaef does something truly remarkable. She confronts the self-serving and dangerous side of co-dependency yet maintains a nonjudgmental perspective. Many, many books, of course, discuss the dangers co-dependents present to themselves. This one goes beyond to look at the less comfortable topics of co-dependents' tendency toward manipulation, promotion of disease in others, martyrdom, dishonesty, and pathological self-centeredness. As a professional who grew up in a seriously alcoholic home, I wish that I had read this book years ago to see the pay-off I was getting from organizing my life around the pretense that I was other people's answers. But despite the harsh realities Schaef points out (and simply and compellingly demonstrates), I was left with a sense that I was not being shamed or judged and that I had the freedom to do better. This book takes more character to digest than most books on the subject, and I suspect that its writing took manifestly more character than one assisting people to continue seeing themselves as victims. I recommend it without qualification.

Schaef has written many books on the subject of addictive behavior, and I've read most of them. This one puts forth her basic philosophy (which is that dysfunctional, addictive behaviors are part & parcel of our culture) in a slender volume that's easy to pick up & reread. Especially interesting is her theory that co-dependence is encouraged in our schools and churches. She presents her case with lots of examples, and with the kind of passion it would be easy for the unconvinced to laugh at, but I personally think she speaks a truth that many people might find uncomfortable to face.

CMM was one of the first of a flood of books on the topic to begin to hit the mass market in the mid- and late 1980s. Feminist and substance-abuse authors alike had discovered codependency then and were rushing to get their revelations to market. A few are still remembered, including Beattie, Bradshaw, Cermak, Forward, Mellody, Whitfield, Woititz and the Weinholds. Newer voices like Evans, Lissette, Kraus, Rapson and English, have emerged, as well. And the 12 Step fellowship, Co-Dependents Anonymous, has published its own worthwile volumes.

CMM should be understood as exactly that if and when read in 2010. Schaef went on in short order to both expand and correct the assertions she made here in 1985 in =Escape from Intimacy= and =When Society Becomes an Addict=. Having read them all, the first few chapters of CMM are exemplary of a paradigm in its early, formative development.

Many of us jumped on the bandwagon back then to develop the pantheon of addictions Schaef and others suggested. By the late '80s, we knew about Bozarth's demonstration that all addictions are neurochemically identical, and began to develop treatments for "addiction," per se, as opposed to "alcoholism" or "overeating" or "sex" or "gambling." We soon recognized through the work of Prochaska and DiClemente that the second and third stage of recovery, "contemplation / consideration" and "identification / acceptance," had to occur with respect to specific forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior, of course. In CMM, Schaef was well on her way to understanding all of this.

That said, chapter four of =CMM= is a watershed. It makes =CMM= a standout, even against later work. And what makes it so is the author's object-relations-theory-informed grasp of the characteristics of this particular obsessive-compulsive demonstration. Thus, read from a developmental or historical perspective, CMM is =very= worthwhile. From a post-millennial understanding of addiction in general, and of the =treatment= of codependence in particular, however, CMM is a bit of an antique.

In this day and age, Pia Mellody's =Facing Codependence= remains the =other= most empirically informed mass-market book on the topic. And Mellody's =Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence=, Evan's =Controlling People=, Lissette's and Krause's =Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship: 7 Steps to Taking Back Your Life=, and Rapson's and English's =Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice= continue -- along with Co-Dependents Anonymous's own basic text and workbook -- appear to be the most informed and effective self-help books available for this specific interpersonal difficulty.

That many will benefit from finding and attending Co-Dependence Annonymous meetings, and that the CoDA "basic text" is one of the best discourses on the problem =and= the solution, go without saying.

This is the most comprehensive book I have read on co-dependence. It includes some clinical "how you got there" and some practical, helpful information on solving issues of the disease. I have a much better understanding of why and where I am today and how I may make my life better.

I was given this book by a co-worker who said the author was good and the book worthwhile. I agree. The subject is a difficult one because it takes shape in so many different ways. This book sets a great foundation for identifying co-dependence in oneself and gives great hope for becoming healed from this pattern of relating to others. Worth the read!