Customer Reviews

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce

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2 star:		(1)
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I went through a high-conflict divorce in Connecticut in 2004, complete with restraining orders, police, and the whole 9 yards. As I saw the divorce approaching, I researched a great deal of divorce/parenting literature on my own, hoping to find a framework of something my (soon-to-be) ex and I could agree to work with, and I found this book. I read it and gave a copy to my ex. I also found an divorce/custody attorney who would focus on our children's interests, and his very first recommendation was to get this book and see Dr. Thayer in her practice jointly with my ex.
I'm grateful I had the expertise of Dr. Thayer to help me let go of conflicts I had with my ex. The guiding principle of the book and her joint practice (which is called The Peace Program) is to transform a personal, contentious relationship with an ex into a business-like relationship focused on the children's welfare. In a high-conflict divorce, this is a very difficult objective -- conflict can be blinding and all-consuming -- but it is possible, and the energy is of course better spent on the children. The book outlines suggestions to facilitate parenting business, such as a weekly parenting phone call (a business call) and a dozen Golden Parenting Rules. In the end, after the parents extinguish their fighting, the children get their parents back, and a good deal of their childhood back, because the parents choose to work together as co-parents. Through the 18 months I've been using this book, I find myself living in various chapters of it, depending on the evolution of my divorce. As the children get older, new issues arise, and the book remains on the top shelf of my bookshelf, where my most useful books reside.

This book is absolutely crucial reading for anyone who is trying to co-parent in the aftermath of a difficult separation and/or divorce. The tone of the book is positive while remaining solidly realistic about what you can and can't do, it's also excellent at forcing you to return your focus to what's most important...your children, without being judgmental of you the parent. Those of us in this very challenging and difficult situation will feel encouraged and supported in the decision to raise the children together despite the hostility, anger, hurt and grief. This book made me see the light at the end of the tunnel and gave me hope and I feel certain it can do the same for others, I can't recommend it highly enough. I don't know how the authors know so precisely what the common issues and behavior patterns are of parents in this situation, but they are completely right on.

I am a play therapist, author of "The Successful Divorce, In The Eyes of the Child" course and have taught parenting divorced for nine years. This is the book that says it all. The authors teach in clear logical manner how to co parent your children. They are sensitive to the pain both parents and children feel post divorce and teach how to proceed in parenting. I frequently use sections of their book in teaching to remind parents that they must still work together enough to meet children's needs. This is a concise book, no long drawn out narratives or tales of others pain... just the facts and how to avoid the pitfalls. I and the children of divorce, owe these authors a huge thank you. Their new book is also great,

I have been a psychotherapist specializing in divorce issues for almost 18 years. The Co-Parenting Survival Guide is primary recommended reading for all my warring ex-couples. It is practical, realistic and right on target for this usually angry population. It can prevent irreparable harm to children of divorce, since the most prevalent cause of divoce-related damage to children is continued animosity between their parents. Buying a copy for an ex-spouse as well as for yourself will be an investment in the emotional well-being of your children.

This book was wonderfully insightful about how to handle co-parenting on all levels. Yet, it failed to offer ANY suggestions as to what to do with an ex-spouse that was not at all interested in cooperating. ...Maybe in the next edition they will address this very real reality of some divorces...

when i divorced two years ago, reasonably contentiously and with a four year old daughter, the best advice i got was to read this book. i did, with highlighter in hand, and found it absolutely invaluable. i continue to this day to consider it absolutely invaluable! such that, i just ordered a gift copy for my brother and his new wife, to help them with my niece and her co-parent. that gift brings the total i've purchased for others up to five. its an unfortunate reality that there will probably be more in the future, but the book helps immensely and so there will be gifts.

Even though it's titled, THE CO-PARENTING SURVIVAL GUIDE: LETTING GO OF CONFLICT AFTER A DIFFICULT DIVORCE, I wish that I had read this book BEFORE the divorce was final because of all the outstanding ideas about co-parenting, that you, your former spouse, your lawyer(s) or even the court, may not address. BUT, if you are an open minded parent and willing to do what is in the best interest of your child/children (and isn't that the reason you are looking at this book to begin with), it offers some really outstanding suggestions.

I especially love the Co-Parenting Contract. It goes beyond the divorce decree, and really sets-up some workable guidelines for parents and children.

This book addresses several topics, offering up suggestions and examples.

...and I was an English major, so I've read a lot of books.

During our separation, my wife and I were in parent coordination and on a direct course for a custody evaluation and full-blown custody fight. We both were sure that we were "high-conflict," and could barely speak to each other without expressing hostility, contempt and mistrust, even in front of our kids. Despite having our own lawyers and shrinks, a mediator, and a parent coordinator, nobody noticed that our pendente lite parenting plan was horrible with all its transitions. It increased our conflict. Nobody told me stop fighting for more parenting time at the expense of quality parenting time. Nobody stopped the madness to point out that my wife and I actually agreed on a whole lot more than what we disagreed on.

Our parent coordinator suggested that we read "Joint Custody with a Jerk." Obviously, she didn't get us. The title alone was a turn-off to both of us. So, in reading the amazon reviews for "Jerk," I found this book. Amazingly, reading it has turned everything around for us.

Based on the guidance in this book, I discovered that our acrimony in trying to co-parent was pretty much just the residue of the conflict that ended our marriage (exacerbated by our "support networks"). I realized that we trusted each other in most aspects of parenting (as opposed to being a spouse) and, therefore, could (and should) discuss our infrequent differences in parenting in a respectful, business-like way. Of the four levels of conflict outlined in this book (level 1 being cooperative, level 4 being high-conflict), I was amazed to discover that we were only level 2 with just moments of level 4 from time to time. Level 1 seemed within reach. This book gives you a concise, no-nonsense road map to getting there.

Since reading this book and putting its guidance in practice, transitions in parenting-time have gotten better, and my divorce-related stress has decreased.

It's tough work not to revert. The theme of this book is that co-parents must extinguish their conflict addiction because it is harmful to your kids, to your relationship with them, and, ultimately, to yourself. The bitter medicine that this book prescribes is that you must communicate with your co-parent *more* than you did before you divorced--more than when you were happily married even. Sounds ridiculous, right? It's not. If you can buy-in to that, you're on your way.

If you're a divorced parent, read this book; take the medicine; and figure out a way to talk to your co-parent--a lot. You'll be grateful to the authors, like I am.

I think this a book well written to appeal to parents that really want the best for their kids, but have problems getting past their own anger and agenda. It's also done in a strong, but not admonishing tone that certainly connected with me.

I found the sample eMail exchanges in the book to be frighteningly familiar. It was almost as if someone had eavesdropped into some of my conversations with my kids' mom. It made me realize this is a common problem and also how silly some of that 'exchange' was by seeing someone else do it.

I also found that our conflict issues were no where near as bad as they can get in others. At least I felt good that our conflicts were petty and easier to resolve.

You also don't have to have both parents read the book - although it would help. I was the only one that read it - actually prior to a co-parenting mediation session - and it really put me into a very constructive frame of mind that focused on our kids rather than 'being right'. It really helped us resolve some conflicts we were having in just a couple sessions.

Great book, if nothing else to put the reader in a good place from which to operate in the best interests of the kids.

I purchased this book for my daughter who is going through a divorce, but I read it first.

The book focuses on how to help the children by learning how to communicate with the other parent. It is written in a logical and easy to understand manner....it all makes so much sense to learn to handle matters by making the welfare of the children the number one priority. I am recommending this book to all friends who are in the same situation with divorce.