Customer Reviews

Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life

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Book review

This book brilliantly blends a deep understanding of the awful complexities of divorce with a layman's readability. Divorce is not easy and the authors do not try to say it is. Pauline and Peggy capture why litigation does not work by examining the underlying processes of this emotional, financial and legal transition at a time of impaired decision making. I know! I served as a Domestic Judge for over 13 years and was never able to adequately explain to divorcing spouses the court's inherent inability to serve their needs. Collaborative Divorce leads to an understanding of why court does not work in family situations as it guides readers around the emotional traps that sabotage even your best efforts. This book should be required reading for anyone contemplating divorce. Every professional involved in divorce (lawyers, counselors, financial advisers) should read and reread the book on a regular basis. It breaks down the steps of what at first appears to be a complicated process and very clearly presents a compelling argument for exploring this method of restructuring a family during an unbelievably stressful time. Pauline and Peggy capture both the essence and detail of this exciting movement. If you only read one book on divorce, you owe it to your children and yourself to make it this one. Parents, even if you feel like Court is right for you (It isn't because it is not right for anyone in divorce. In over 1500 cases I never saw a winner.) read this book before you let a lawyer convince you the old way is best. Lawyers, read this book to learn how to enjoy helping families through divorce instead of particpating in the carnage.

The authors have succeeded in creating an easily accessible and remarkably complete guide to thinking about and managing this difficult process. The combination of legal and emotional insight will resonate strongly with anyone who has participated in divorce and goes on to skillfully guide the reader through the alternative. Clearly there is a better way and this work hits on all the different aspects, how to approach them and the high value of avoiding the legal process. This is a must read for anyone contemplating divorce. The outcome will be a dramatically better experience, better settlement and an easier path to the rest of one's life. Top rating.

Divorce is a melancholy song of life. For some it sings a song of hope, but for most it is a dirge of fear, guilt, anger, depression and negative feelings. Wading through the emotional aspects of a divorce has been said to be even more overwhelming than those of the legal. Pauline H. Tesler, M.A, J.D. and Peggy Thompson, Ph.D. cannot bring back those magical feelings you once felt upon initially entering your marriage, but can and do help ease the pain and bring order into your life with hopes for a new beginning in their new book, collaborative divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life.

More than a few of us remember the old televised series entitled "Divorce Court" where couples would hammer out their woes in front of Judge Voltaire Perkins. Mental cruelty, desertion, adultery, alcohol abuse and other heinous "crimes" in which people aired their dirty laundry were amusing to the audience, but in the real world were painful facts of life. Inevitably the Judge would announce the loser and smiles would go out to the winner. For many years it was a winner takes all situation, but in today's world, a world in which we find collaborative divorce, it is a win-win situation all around.

The collaborative divorce, while not meant to revitalize a weary or downright dead marriage, sets the scene in which a couple can exit a marriage with dignity and grace while addressing the most intimate concerns of the union. In a nut shell collaborative divorce uses a non-adversarial approach to sorting out the emotional, financial and legal issues encountered by a couple during the separation and divorce process, a process in which the couple works together with others to direct and redirect their own lives. An interdisciplinary team utilizes "coaches" for each individual spouse, a financial analyst and, most important, a child specialist for the children. Collaborative divorce meets the immediate needs of a couple or family while addressing and maintaining future relations long after the legal process has ended. Surprisingly enough, according to the authors the costs "will generally be much lower than if traditional adversarial lawyers had handled the case as a legal battle."

Initially I had many misgivings about the book as I tend to be somewhat leery of the terms "revolutionary" and "new" in the title of any newly issued book as it usually signifies "fad," but once I started to read the book I quickly "discovered" the extreme importance of the "revolutionary new" concept of collaborative divorce. Excellent, excellent ... I can't say enough about the importance of this extremely well written book. It should be of especial interest to those in long term marriages, those with entangled financial assets and most importantly for couples with children. I'd recommend purchasing not one, but two of these books, one for you, one for your spouse. Maintaining dignity and grace are priceless.

Many divorce lawyers (including me) are jumping on the band wagon for this much more respectful way to divorce. Pauline Tesler is one of the top trainers in the industry and has a huge following among divorce professionals. This is not a how-to-do-it-yourself book but helps you make more intelligent decisions about how to handle your divorce.

Buy one for yourself and one for your to-be ex spouse.

As the matriarch in a very large extended family, where there is much love but conflict may be unavoidable, I read Collaborative Divorce with great interest. I hope my family will not need to use it, but just in case, I bought a copy for each couple around me. Bitter divorces are expensive, painful, they create long-term resentment, and make it difficult to raise healthy children. The damaging effects of failed or thwarted love can and should be avoided. That is the point of this book. According to the authors, when there is a commitment to integrity, ethical
behavior, clear communications, and constructive problem-solving, a divorce should be a solution and not a cause for more entrenched conflict. Collaborative Divorce shows there are smarter and kinder ways for a couple to part.
ISABEL ALLENDE

This is a wonderfully easy to read introduction to collaborative law, particularly for non-lawyers who are investigating an alternative to the insanity of divorce litigation; lawyers will find it extremely useful as well. Please, please buy this book for yourselves, for your sake and the sake of your family and friends. Even if you don't become involved in a collaborative divorce, you will gain insights about mindfully shaping the family law experience that will serve you well!

Thurman W. Arnold III

[...].

This is a wonderful, welcome addition to the list of resources for spouses considering or going through collaborative divorce. Clear, organized, and full of "real life" examples, I would highly recommend this book.

As a long-time family law practitioner, I believe that the Collaborative approach to divorce and separation offers the best chance for couples to divorce each other without destroying the complex network of family and friends that is a part of every marriage. Pauline Tesler's highly readable book clearly explains Collaborative practice and how it can accomplish the preservation of a peaceful reformation of a family contemplating divorce. This is a must read for anyone, attorney or private party, who has anything to do with divorce Please read it--if not for yourself, for a friend, a neighbor, a family member.

This is a great book. For anyone who is going through or is about to go through the break-up of a relationship - or is close to someone going through it -- this book is a must to read. Although much of it is about the particular legal process of what is called "collaborative law," a great deal of the book clearly explains the emotional effects of ending a relationship in ways that are extremely helpful. There is nothing quite like this book. Overall, it provides a thoughtful guide for both partners as they try to maintain their self-esteem and essential moral beings, while at the same time the book acknowledges and addresses the pain and instinct for self-preservation that can otherwise cause break-ups to be destructive to everyone involved.

I just read Jonathan L Lewis's book, "I THOUGHT WE WERE HAPPY: Lessons My Wife Taught Me on the Road to Divorce". I wish I had read it first. I needed to heal the agonizing pain of my ex's affair and abandonment before trying to get on with my life. Ah well ...