Customer Reviews

The Colors of Grief: Understanding a Child's Journey through Loss from Birth to Adulthood

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In The Colors of Grief, Janis A. Di Ciacco describes for parents and practitioners the process and expressions of children's grief at various developmental stages. She combines psychological insights, such as the stages of grief or cognitive development theory, with practical implications for parents who are trying to understand and aid their grieving children. While some of the author's spiritual assumptions are questionable, the tight focus of this book on children makes it a valuable resource for me as future children's pastor.

Content Synopsis

Part 1 of Di Ciacco's book is about the general concepts of grief and loss as they affect children. All infants bond with the first person that they are physically close to, generally the mother. The infant attaches emotionally and psychologically to the primary caregiver, so if she dies or is killed, the infant is significantly traumatized. The security and familiarity of routines, physical contact, and hidden regulators are lost, causing fear and anxiety. Di Ciacco then walks the parent through normal emotions during grief, including fear, anger, shame, guilt, depression, and withdrawal. These are all normal responses to the vulnerability and abandonment a child feels after a loss. Many emotions actually serve as defensive mechanisms to postpone the grieving process until a child's brain has matured to deal with the abstract reality of death. Next, Di Ciacco describes the stages of grief, giving common false beliefs by children of different ages as they deny what happened or reflect a misunderstanding of the totality of death. One significant observation here is that due to the lack of development, many children cannot use words to describe their emotions. Instead, it surfaces in behavior, such as anger and aggression (more frequent in boys) or fear and depression (more common in girls). Parents are encouraged to identify the normal physical and emotional responses to grief so that they can better understand the underlying beliefs or motives of their children.

Part 2 of The Colors of Grief looks at 7 different age groups from infancy to young adulthood. Each chapter gives an example of a child's loss in that age category, developmental considerations, normal marks of progress for that age, a description of how that age conceives of a loss, normal problems or frustrations that come from a loss experienced at that age, and helpful ideas for parents. For instance, Di Ciacco continually affirms the importance of healthy attachment in the early years (0-2 years old), so her advice to parents centers around reestablishing normal routines (for eating and sleeping) and environmental consistency for the infant. For early childhood (2-6 years old), she addresses the "magical thinking" of children who do not yet have the capability of reversible thinking or long-term temporal awareness. They may think their parent can come back to life ("start moving again") or may think they directly caused the loss. In her section on early adolescent loss, Di Ciacco observes how the new ability to reason abstractly opens the teen to the understanding that death is final, and a new sense of the severity of loss takes root. With this awareness, teens will often unknowingly resume grieving of previous losses which have been incompletely mourned for years. Each chapter holds specific insights as parents match up how their child is developing with the observed expressions of grief and how to help their child in the process.

The final part of The Colors of Grief are the appendices. Continuing its practical nature, the book provides several detailed activities and techniques for therapy and inspiration. While the effectiveness of each activity is not explicitly demonstrated, the directions are specific enough that any parent could try one of them to see if it would work for their child.

Opinion

Overall, The Colors of Grief is a simple yet very practical book that parents could easily read or review to walk their child through the grieving process. It is not overly technical, although there are a few terms which may require the glossary ("cortisol" or "preoperational reasoning," as examples). It uses cognitive, social/emotional, and moral developmental theories without getting into the rationale or merits of each. While some psychologists or clinical counselors may see this resource as lacking in support or empirically-supported research, this is not that kind of book. It reads as one concerned professional's observations and advice passed on for parents to try and experiment.

The strengths of this book are its clear, readable style, its helpful tips for application, and its narrow focus on the specific age groups. By looking a child's development in age groups, a parent is better able to see what is normal and how to understand the child's grief at that stage in time. The weaknesses of this book are its occasional straying into mystical spiritualism (the alleged power of the douglas fir in "spiritually realigning" or the jasmine's " balancing the feminine body of energy" in aromatherapy) (148-149) and offering questionable advice (such as the acceptable physical outlets of anger) (106). Yet all in all, I would recommend this book to thoughtful parents who are willing to consider "secular" advice from a well-intentioned professional. The positives far outweigh the minor points of disagreement.

One final strength of unique character is that Di Ciacco intentionally addresses the sense of loss experienced by adopted children throughout the book. For example, she notes how adopted children often feel a sense of loss when they are removed from their familiar surroundings and put into an entirely new environment. Infant reactions of withdrawl or apathy are indicative of a felt loss, although they are incapable of expressing it (32-33). Similarly, Di Ciacco notes the false belief that some middle childhood adoptees experience when they subconsciously feel a loss of identity (birth parents) and conclude that they were kidnapped (105). As a parent considering international adoption in the future, these insights were specific in helping me consider the long-term effects an adoption carries. She had enough examples from many age groups that it was clear she had experience personally or professionally in handling the losses felt by adopted children. For adoptive or natural parents, those who desire help as their children grieve should review the wisdom in The Colors of Grief.

This book is an absolute must for caregivers and professionals working with children. It is a compassionate, thorough, developmental look at loss through the eyes of a child. This book has been invaluable for me working with familites of loss.

Excellent resource for anyone wanting to better understand the feelings and behaviors of children who have experienced early losses, and how their experiences of loss effect relationships as an adult. This is a must read for therapists who deal with children. Sandra S. Thomas, Ph.D.

Colors of Grief covers current research, strategies, and in depth analysis of how children, ages 0-25 deal with grieving and significant loss. Dr. DiCiacco provides specific suggestions for developmental stages. A neccessary book for all adults who are involved with children.

The Colors of Grief: Understanding a Child's Journey Through Loss from Birth to Adulthood This book is the best! My husband and I have adopted 3 children. Parenting for everyone is challenging. For parents who have adopted children, there are many factors that go beyond the "normal" parenting responsibilities. Dr. DiCiacco's book is a great source of knowledge for me in trying to understand the "why is my child behaving like that?" What happens during a child's developmental years is so important. For an adopted child, grieving is already a part of their makeup. So to have a readable book full of knowledge that makes sense to my many questions is exciting. Our children have struggled in making good decisions and have difficulty in "connecting dots". I recommend all adoptive parents and professionals working with children to have a copy of this book to read and use as a resource. I guarantee you will be enlightened. DRM - Denver, Colorado

The Colors of Grief is an excellent resource for both parents and professionals. It is written in a clear and concise manner and offers excellent information when working with both children and adolescents. It offers therapeutic activities as well as transitional tools that are an exceptional resource. This book is a must!