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Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours Paperback – February 1, 2000


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 176 pages
  • Publisher: Conari Press; 02 edition (February 1, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1573241776
  • ISBN-13: 978-1573241779
  • Product Dimensions: 0.5 x 6.2 x 9.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (64 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #136,958 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Clearly, one of the most complicated and devastating experiences of life, next to the death of a loved one, is the death of a relationship. Daphne Rose Kingma offers a process and a way of examining relationships that is not only healing and helpful through the process and after, but provides the basis for using the breakup of a relationship to become stronger and more able to love again. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

Daphne Rose Kingma writes with such elegance that she could turn 'self-help' into a literary genre. --L.A. Weekly

Thought-provoking perspectives on relationships. --News Tribune

More About the Author

An undisputed expert on matters of the heart, Daphne Rose Kingma has been a therapist for more than twenty-five years, and is a frequent guest on television programs like "Oprah," "Sally Jessy Raphael," and "Leeza." She is the author of six previous books, including the bestsellers Finding True Love and Coming Apart. Kingma lives in Santa Barbara, California.

Customer Reviews

I realized the good things about the relationship, as well as the bad.
Clevelandgal
I applaud Daphne Kingma for writing this book, a real gift to all of us who have loved and suffered and survived.
Barbara Brennan
It helped me move forward and to look on my past relationship in a positive way.
Nancy Flowers

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

101 of 101 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on September 18, 2000
Format: Mass Market Paperback
I read an older edition of this book about 7 years ago when my marriage was ending. I have tons of self-help books on my shelves from that period in my life. One of the reviews below panned this book because he/she thought it would be horrible for someone who was 'on the fence' about ending a relationship. I don't think this is the book for that type of person - there are plenty of others out there for someone who wants to try to salvage their relationship. This book is for someone who has done everything they can to keep things together or to feel the same love (or ANY love) for the person they once cared for, but they don't. Or it's for the person who has been dumped and has tried everything to get their love back but can't. It's over. Now what can you do to accept and understand it? This book will help you to understand why the relationship ended and why you two got together in the first place. It's a wonderful book for that purpose and I would recommend it to anyone who's going through the pain of a breakup.
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55 of 55 people found the following review helpful By Sky on February 22, 2004
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I think each new relationship would benefit so much if all parties were to read this before going IN! Kingma challenges us to look at the myth that relationships "should last forever" --and consequently why our self-esteem takes such a beating when they actually don't! (Surprise!) Her basic premise is that relationships are a series of processes by which we complete developmental tasks in our life journey of self-discovery/creation. Case studies illustrate how this plays out in the various ways.
From reading this book, I gained much comfort and understanding about my present-coming-apart-relationship. Although I initiated it, I was feeling much pain. The clarity that I gained--about why we choose the partners we do--helped to stop the angst. Such gems of simple yet profound wisdom: "Love...does not conquer all. Real love, enduring love...is the quiet recognition and ongoing appreciation of another person, the experience of continually sharing what is important to you."
The chapters on pampering yourself, and the rituals for completion are absolutely valuable!
I feel heartened and strengthened by her words in the chapter "Is there Love After Love?": "Eventually we all get to the place where--except for fine-tunings and refinements-we have learned pretty much who we are. We have sorted out our preferences from the vast number of possibilities we all have as human beings, and we know what we want to spend our lives doing..."
"...You will love and have a happy life with the person whose looks, nature, habits, preferences, values and priorities call forth the truest expression of yourself, the person who invites you to blossom and grow."
This book is kind of a condensed version of the "Future of Love" which I also highly recommend. (I bought several copies of each of these to share with friends.)
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46 of 47 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on January 20, 2004
Format: Paperback
Of all the books I've read on divorce and separation, this was the first to make me feel okay about the end of my marriage - the first to make me realize that even though I could have been a better partner it wasn't all my fault, or all his, even though he was the one who left.
Sometimes we get out of a relationship what we needed at the time, and then when that stage of our personal development has been completed, we no longer need that particular partner, and we find out that the partnership is empty and lifeless. We see that really we have very little to say to each other, no shared activities or common values or intellectual affinities, and no real connection is happening.
The book does not gloss over the pain and confusion of a separation, but it does take away some of the self-doubt and self-blame that come with it. If you are ready to accept the fact that your marriage or relationship is really over, then this is the book for you.
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27 of 27 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on January 20, 2000
Format: Mass Market Paperback Verified Purchase
This book will not make the pain go away. But, it will give you a perspective you'd be hard-pressed to find anywhere else. When I was suffering from a broken heart, I read a ton of books about relationships and feeling better. This is the only book that came close to making me heal. "Coming Apart" will truly help you understand what goes wrong with relationships. And, by explaining the simple fact that relationships, like anything else, do have a lifespan, this book helps immensely. What a relief it was when I could stop wondering what was wrong with me that made my spouse leave? Now I know, this happens to relationships. Like I said, it won't cure your broken heart, but it will give you the insight you need and the wisdom that no other book will.
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26 of 26 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on October 22, 2000
Format: Mass Market Paperback Verified Purchase
A friend recommended I read this while going through a breakup last year. He recommended I read the last chapter first, and then read the rest of the book, especially since I was regretting my decision to break off the relationship. The last chapter helped me realize that the relationship was not worth preserving, and then helped me identify the natural phases of mourning the end of that relationship. This book helped me get through the pain, but also see the growth potential through the whole experience. Now, a year later, I'm in a healthy relationship that is fulfilling -- basically everything my past relationship wasn't.
I passed this book onto another friend who is going through a tough breakup, and plan to order it for yet another friend. Everyone who is going through a breakup needs a box of tissue, a couple cartons of Ben and Jerry's, Alanis Morriset's "Jaged Little Pill" CD, a good friend who will listen to you, and this book.
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