Coming Out: A Handbook for Men [Paperback]

Orland Outland (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 1, 2000

Chapter One: Telling Yourself; Telling Others

The first person you have to come out to is yourself. Anyone who has been through this process can tell you that, depending on your circumstances, this can be either the easiest or the hardest part of the whole process. If you are lucky, you come of age in a liberal, tolerant atmosphere, attending a school with other smart, sophisticated young people for whom being thought of as prejudiced is a worse taboo than any difference you could present; perhaps you've had an openly gay teacher, or your parents have openly gay relatives or friends whom you have come to know. In such a case, acknowledging your sexuality is a path that has been smoothed for you.

If you are not lucky, you live in a conservative community where boys still use the word faggot as a taunt, you had a gay teacher who everybody knows about but who would sooner die than present his sexuality publicly, or you have parents who profess religious beliefs that are dependent on scapegoats for a sense of personal righteousness (and that set of scapegoats nearly always includes homosexuals). In this case, accepting your own sexuality will be harder, as you will know damn well that being known as gay in such an environment could lead to grief, if not bodily harm or ostracism from your family.

Your first step in either case is going to be to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I'm gay." No, you don't have to make your first announcement over a public address system like Ellen DeGeneres's character did on the show. Maybe the first time you say it you have to whisper it to yourself in the bathroom, with the door shut, the water running, and the fan on. But whatever the age at which you come out, this has to be the first step. For some gay men it's a knowledge they're born with; for others it's something they repress and deny for years.

No book can tell you how to accept the fact that you are gay. What a book can do is help you after you've accepted that fact, even if that acceptance comes laden with feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. The process of coming out is the process of dealing with those feelings, both in yourself and those around you, and building your self-esteem by standing by

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

In this updated version of Wes Muchmore and William Henson's Coming Out Right (Alyson, 1991), Outland (The Principles; Every Man for Himself) gives sensible, nonjudgmental, if somewhat glib advice about both the actual coming-out process and negotiating life in the gay community. Like a smart, witty friend, the author guides the reader through the terrain of gay culture, from the initial visit to a gay bar, to developing a support network, to a "definitive gay glossary" of past and present argot. Throughout, Outland strongly advocates safe sex but does not shy away from frank discussion of some of the less savory aspects of gay life, including drugs, employment in the sex industry, and scam artists. While lacking the probity and depth of more directive guides, such as Michelangelo Signorile's Outing Yourself (LJ 6/15/95) or Brian McNaught's Now That I'm Out, What Do I Do? (LJ 5/1/97), this book has a chatty, informal validity all its own and is bound to be a popular item. Recommended for gay studies collections as well as large public libraries.DRichard J. Violette, Special Libs. Cataloguing, Victoria, BC
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Orland Outland is the author of eight books, including the best-sellers A Serious Person, Different People, and Every Man For Himself. He lives in Reno, Nev.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Alyson Books; 1 edition (June 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1555835147
• ISBN-13: 978-1555835149
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.3 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,046,128 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Not a replacement for Signorile's "Outing Yourself" but good, July 2, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Out: A Handbook for Men (Paperback)

The standard coming-out bible is and remains Michelangelo Signorile's "Outing Yourself." That was my first coming-out reference, and I think most gay and lesbian people who have had access to it would agree it's essential. Orland Outland's new "Coming Out: A Handbook for Men" is an important follow-up, however: Orland offers much updated information and covers topics out-of-scope for Signorile. (In his foreword, Orland says this is an update to Alyson Publications' "Coming Out Right.")

The first half of the book is all about coming out per se: his chapters have titles like "Telling Yourself; Telling Others," "Your First Gay Social Experience," "Getting Laid," "Going Out," etc. There is a lot of brutal honesty in the first half, and a decided lack of nurturing--which may good or bad for you depending on your personality. (I find it bad.) There is also a tendency to resort to stereotypes, as though all gay men go out to bars, are confronted with drug use, etc. It'd have been nice for some coverage that applied to rural, Midwest, or Southern America--but Orland's generalizations based on the urban West are adequate.

The second half is all about being out, i.e. building a gay life full of self-esteem and self-security. Here his chapters have titles like "Gay Subcultures," "Cops, [...] Bashers, and Other Dangers," "Getting Scammed," "Organizing Your Support System," etc. Here, too, it is a brutally honest style but, as in the first half, full of essential information. I found the "Getting Scammed" chapter particularly valuable, as a matter of fact.

If Signorile's "Outing Yourself" should be your first gay and lesbian book, let this one be your second or third, but take it with a grain of salt--don't forget that you are your own person and when Orland's advice seems to clash with your concepts of yourself and your gayness, stick to your self concept.

Another book I recommend for gays and lesbians starting the coming-out process: "Coming Out of Shame."

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Book That Helped Me Come Out, July 21, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Out: A Handbook for Men (Paperback)

For years I strugged with my sexuality, denying it to others while trying to see if I was really gay. And I decided that I was tired of feeling so in doubt so I found this book. And I'm glad I did. This books explains in plain English withoout the psychobabble about how to embrase one's sexuality, understand it and gives a unique and definate view of being gay. One of the reasons its so hard coming out is because people don't know how to be gay. This book explains activities and gives clear definitions to some gay terms and such. This book was excellent and I recommend it to anyone coming out. It helped me come out in a very positive way and everything turned out great.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A guide to self-acceptance, March 13, 2003

By 

Christopher M. MacNeil "Chris M" (Fort Wayne, IN USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Coming Out: A Handbook for Men (Paperback)

One of life's real (and unnecessary) tragedies is the closeted gay man who is regimented by years of homophobic conditioning and, as a result, can neither accept or even like himself. If he can't like himself, then, how can he let anyone else like him? Orland Outland's "Coming Out ..." is the complement of Michelangelo Signorile's classic "Outing Youself ..." and the unofficial second chapter to Rik Isensee's "Reclaiming Your Life: The Gay Man's Guide to Love, Self-Acceptance and Trust," all three of which extend "permission" for the closeted gay man in torment to let go of the pain from the years of emotional exile, self-rejection and loathing, and get on to a life of fulfillment. The "condition" of Orland's book is that the gay man is ready to come out to family and friends, and the works by Signorile and Isensee are more intended to help the gay man out himself to himself. Once that monumental step has been taken, Orland first renders tips to come to terms with family and friends and then how to establish a healthy gay lifestyle. Of the latter, we get a road map of how to navigate all those questions that today's gay man asks (and they're not too much different than the heterosexual guy's questions), like whether or not to do the bar scene, how safe is safe sex, is political activism advised and where to look for that special other guy. Written in a friendly and warm prose, Outland's self-help guide - like those from Signorile and Isensee - nonetheless doesn't treat jovially the life-altering experience the gay man will undoubtedly have when he comes out. Far from being "fun" and light-in-the-loafers (no pun), "Coming Out ..." is actually a journey of the fragile human heart that helps the gay man begin to get rid of all that internalized homophobic garbage and get on with the business of being happy for once. A wise investment!