Coming Out of Shame : Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives [Paperback]

Gershen Kaufman (Author), Lev Raphael (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 1, 1996

Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael expose the role shame has come to play in the lives of gay men and lesbians. The authors break the silence surrounding gay and lesbian experience so that individuals can "come out" of shame and begin a path toward personal growth and acceptance.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Psychologist and psychotherapist Kaufman (Shame: The Power of Caring, Shenckman, 1981) has been publishing on shame for two decades; Raphael, his life partner of ten years, is best known for his fiction (Winter Eyes, St. Martin's, 1992). Together they present the main features of shame theory based on the work of Silvan Tomkins; they then move on to examine how internalized shame and fear impact on self-esteem, identity, and intimacy, specifically in the life experiences of lesbians and gay men. Maintaining that the self is continuously evolving, the authors offer "reparenting" imagery to transform scenes in an attempt to help make patterns of emotion more visible and thus diminish shame in individuals and relationships, as well as facilitate resolution of such issues as sexual monogamy. The use of humor and examples from case studies help mitigate the text's redundancy. The technical terminology somewhat obscures the many insights in this book clearly intended for the sophisticated layperson. For public collections strong on gay issues.?James E. Van Buskirk, San Francisco P.L.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Booklist

Basing their approach in the psychology of Silvan S. Tomkins, who believed humans are governed by emotions rather than, as Freud averred, sexuality and aggression, Kaufman and Raphael explain how one emotion--shame--affects, overwhelmingly negatively, the lives of homosexuals and what gay individuals and couples can do to transcend shame's ill effects. They neatly dovetail theory, illustrative anecdotes, and prescriptive advice as they exhaustively survey the almost innumerable ways in which shame undermines personal security, happiness, and mental health. If it sometimes seems that the methods they relay for transforming shame into pride are inadequate to the battle with shame they see gays as doomed to fight and refight, at least they themselves, as a couple who have overcome shame in many contexts, can cite their own experiences to argue that specific victories are possible. A singularly intelligent example of the psychological self-help genre. Ray Olson --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Main Street Books (December 1, 1996)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0385477961
• ISBN-13: 978-0385477963
• Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.8 x 8.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #227,216 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

36 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Change your life -- for the better!, September 4, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Out of Shame : Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives (Paperback)

As a young man coming out, my journey of self-discovery started with quiet months of reading. I read everything I could get my hands on about homosexuality and being gay. This book stands out as the single greatest influence during and since that time. The authors have taken a careful and thorough examination of the sociology and psychology of shame as it relates to being gay. The reading is thick, but worth the time to slowly wade through and internalize the material. I found myself saying, "Finally, someone who understands my whole mindset!" I began to change my thinking as I read it. Congratulations to the authors for writing a book so important to the lives of many.

28 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A must read for anyone coming out of the closet, March 5, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Out of Shame : Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives (Paperback)

I read this book before giving it to a friend who was coming out because I wanted to make sure it took a position that was sufficiently pro-gay. Coming out is tough and I didn't want to give him a book that would make it any tougher. Not only was it positive enough to give him, but he thought it was one of the most helpful coming out books he read.

What I didn't expect is that the book spoke to me as a heterosexual woman. It turns out that American culture doesn't limit its shame to gay men and lesbians. Women in general are trained to feel ashamed of normal, healthy, human sexuality.

The authors show how shame becomes internalized, so that you don't need anyone else wagging their finger at you--you shame yourself for healthy, human feelings (about a lot more than sex!). This book will be helpful to people coming out of the closet and to most women. Also the authors' personal anecdotes are constructive, funny and helpful. A copy of this book belongs in every coming out gift basket.

25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Essential Reading, July 2, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Coming Out of Shame : Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives (Paperback)

I'm not eloquent enough to tell you about why this book is so good or how it helped me so much, but I do want people who are reading the customer reviews for this book to know that this book made a HUGE and POSITIVE impact on my life--it really helped me combat my inner turmoil over self-esteem and coming/being out. Coming out is one of the hardest things I think any human being has to do--and there are a lot of emotional issues tied up into it, one being this guilt or shame of existing. ("I feel guilt/shameful that I'm gay.") Society burns this feeling into gay and lesbian people's brains. This book will help you repair some of that damage and find your true, whole self. I am so thankful to Drs. Kaufman and Raphael for writing this book--it is truly an important contribution to the literature about coming out and an honest-to-God lifesafer. I recommend this book with all my heart.