The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man [Paperback]

Rhonda Findling (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 9, 2004

Packed with myriad helpful quizzes, advice, and personal stories of women from the trenches, "The Commitment Cure helps women make smart and savvy decisions about when to stick by an AM--and when to kick him to the curb!

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Rhonda Findling (New York, NY) is the author of Don’t Call That Man! For more than nineteen years, she has worked as a psychotherapist, helping men and women with commitment issues. She holds a master’s degree in clinical psychology, and she is a certified rehabilitation counselor. Ms. Findling has conducted workshops and seminars throughout New York and Los Angeles at the Learning Annex, the Seminar Center, Hazelden, and the 92nd Street Y. She has appeared on Ricki Lake, Good Day New York, and Maury Povich.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Adams Media (February 9, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1593370040
• ISBN-13: 978-1593370046
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.1 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #481,124 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

39 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A great guide and friend for the single woman., March 3, 2004

By 

Alan Levin (Port St. Lucie, FL United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man (Paperback)

Ms. Findling's book should be in the ready reference section of every woman's personal library. In the event she doesn't need it, she is practically certain to have a friend or family member who does. The book addresses the problems women experience in trying to have a committed relationship with a man. The book is just as effective for married women in problem relationships as it is for single women.

The focus of the book is twofold: on the chronically ambivalent man and the woman trying to have a committed relationship with him. There is a good deal of valuable analysis and insight about chronically ambivalent/unavailable men but there is, to my mind, even more helpful information and guidance for and about the woman in such a relationship, including women who repeat this frustrating and painful experience with man after man.

The book's main message is that women who are struggling with an ambivalent/unavailable man need to keep the focus as much or more on their needs and perceptions as on the man's problems. No, it is not about a woman needing to lose weight, have breast augmentation surgery or learning to become more submissive. It is, first, about dealing with the guilt and feeling of inadequacy that many women experience in such relationships; second, it is about specific actions a woman can take to better manage both her feelings and the relationship; and, third, it is about learning to feel good and complete within oneself with or without a man.

63 of 67 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book is truly a commitment cure...!!!, February 8, 2005

By 

A Reader with Gratitude and Appreciation (Minneapolis, MN) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man (Paperback)

Though this book's main audience is female, I think ambivalence happen in both sexes. As a female, I definitely recognize and acknowledge my own ambivalence behavior as a result of the past pain and hurt from other relationships and from my own childhood experience. It is through acknowledgement and the willingness to let go of these past pain and hurt, can we truly heal and find a healthy relationship.

I met men who are ambivalent and have issues with commitment. Men who are ambivalent are results of their emotional immaturity and/or results of their past pain and hurt (from childhood and/or past painful heartbreaks they cannot acknowledge). The author did a wonderful job to teach women to recognize these behaviors. If he behaves disrespectful, abusive, and/or he is a commitment phobia, we women need to decide whether to stay and work with the issues with him or to leave. At the end of the day, we women need to take charge of our own lives and not let the ambivalent men walk all over us. On another side, when we get hurt by the ambivalent men in the past (I had gotten hurt twice), we are more vulnerable to become an ambivalent woman on our own. However, if your relationship did not work out, don't automatically blame the man and justify your ambivalent behavior. It takes two people to make the relationship work. So, we, as modern women, need to accept and take responsibility on our own part. However, we should never accept full blame and responsibility if the painful breakup was solely a result of his ambivalent behavior. We women are not responsible for men's emotional garbage and past experience (vice versa). The author also brought up one very good point here is that people tend to rationalize, psychoanalyze and idealize that he/she will one day change for you because he/she loves you. As a human being who walked through a transformation process, I know humans do not change for another person because they love that person. People change only when they realize the need to. It is true for both men and women. As a woman in today's 21st century society, we women can stand on our own two feet and do not need him to validate our self-esteem (vice versa, I sometimes meet men who needs/depends on women so bad to validate their sense of self). We do not need to mother him and to accept every single one of his hurtful, annoying behavior (vice versa for men here as well).

I love the way the author puts her own ending. This society puts too much emphasis about coupling and marriages. While of course it is nice to be attached and to be married because we conform to the "norm", we need to learn how to be content and happy on our own. A man, a relationship is supposed to be a bonus in our life (vice versa for men... I think it is better for men to stay alone than being attached to women who do not acknowledge their manipulative and ambivalent behavior, or justify all their bad behavior and blame men in general). It is much better meeting/dating an emotional healthy person (or a person who deeply acknowledges and works on their own psychological issues) so you can find joy and peace in life. Sometimes, the end goal of life might not be marriage and children. Sometimes, the end goal of life might just be content and peaceful at the moment. It is better to stay single in women's 30s, 40s even 50s+ than being married to a man you cannot be happy with (vice versa for men as well). Life is full of choices and decisions. My choice and end goal of life is about love, appreciation, joy and peace. If staying in a relationship help us attain these feelings, go for it. If staying in a relationship generates anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, I am asking the question why we still want to stay attached to the person?

28 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Advice for the Needy, March 4, 2004

By A Customer

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This review is from: The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man (Paperback)

Rhonda Findling's second book was even more helpful for me than her first (Don't Call that Man). Not just an advice book (though Rhonda has plenty to give here) it provides lots of straightforward insight as to why we cling and accept rejection from all types of unsuitable men (from the Men Who Play Parlor Games, to Runners, to Ambivalent Cybermen). Going beyond blaming dear old mom or dad, she also helps us examine our relationships with our siblings, our insecurities, and our deepest darkest fears. Enlightening and accurate is her evaluation of the diffent types of ambivalent men and how and why they operate. Most helpful is the focus on protecting ourselves and avoiding the pitfalls in this crazy world of love. It's a must read for single women who want a healthy relationship next time; women who have loved and been brutally hurt, and most of all, women who find themselves trapped in a cycle of ambivalent men and want to stop the madness. NB- A free bonus is her message board where the wounded can vent and find warm words and supportive friends.