Customer Reviews

The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man

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Ms. Findling's book should be in the ready reference section of every woman's personal library. In the event she doesn't need it, she is practically certain to have a friend or family member who does. The book addresses the problems women experience in trying to have a committed relationship with a man. The book is just as effective for married women in problem relationships as it is for single women.

The focus of the book is twofold: on the chronically ambivalent man and the woman trying to have a committed relationship with him. There is a good deal of valuable analysis and insight about chronically ambivalent/unavailable men but there is, to my mind, even more helpful information and guidance for and about the woman in such a relationship, including women who repeat this frustrating and painful experience with man after man.

The book's main message is that women who are struggling with an ambivalent/unavailable man need to keep the focus as much or more on their needs and perceptions as on the man's problems. No, it is not about a woman needing to lose weight, have breast augmentation surgery or learning to become more submissive. It is, first, about dealing with the guilt and feeling of inadequacy that many women experience in such relationships; second, it is about specific actions a woman can take to better manage both her feelings and the relationship; and, third, it is about learning to feel good and complete within oneself with or without a man.

Though this book's main audience is female, I think ambivalence happen in both sexes. As a female, I definitely recognize and acknowledge my own ambivalence behavior as a result of the past pain and hurt from other relationships and from my own childhood experience. It is through acknowledgement and the willingness to let go of these past pain and hurt, can we truly heal and find a healthy relationship.

I met men who are ambivalent and have issues with commitment. Men who are ambivalent are results of their emotional immaturity and/or results of their past pain and hurt (from childhood and/or past painful heartbreaks they cannot acknowledge). The author did a wonderful job to teach women to recognize these behaviors. If he behaves disrespectful, abusive, and/or he is a commitment phobia, we women need to decide whether to stay and work with the issues with him or to leave. At the end of the day, we women need to take charge of our own lives and not let the ambivalent men walk all over us. On another side, when we get hurt by the ambivalent men in the past (I had gotten hurt twice), we are more vulnerable to become an ambivalent woman on our own. However, if your relationship did not work out, don't automatically blame the man and justify your ambivalent behavior. It takes two people to make the relationship work. So, we, as modern women, need to accept and take responsibility on our own part. However, we should never accept full blame and responsibility if the painful breakup was solely a result of his ambivalent behavior. We women are not responsible for men's emotional garbage and past experience (vice versa). The author also brought up one very good point here is that people tend to rationalize, psychoanalyze and idealize that he/she will one day change for you because he/she loves you. As a human being who walked through a transformation process, I know humans do not change for another person because they love that person. People change only when they realize the need to. It is true for both men and women. As a woman in today's 21st century society, we women can stand on our own two feet and do not need him to validate our self-esteem (vice versa, I sometimes meet men who needs/depends on women so bad to validate their sense of self). We do not need to mother him and to accept every single one of his hurtful, annoying behavior (vice versa for men here as well).

I love the way the author puts her own ending. This society puts too much emphasis about coupling and marriages. While of course it is nice to be attached and to be married because we conform to the "norm", we need to learn how to be content and happy on our own. A man, a relationship is supposed to be a bonus in our life (vice versa for men... I think it is better for men to stay alone than being attached to women who do not acknowledge their manipulative and ambivalent behavior, or justify all their bad behavior and blame men in general). It is much better meeting/dating an emotional healthy person (or a person who deeply acknowledges and works on their own psychological issues) so you can find joy and peace in life. Sometimes, the end goal of life might not be marriage and children. Sometimes, the end goal of life might just be content and peaceful at the moment. It is better to stay single in women's 30s, 40s even 50s+ than being married to a man you cannot be happy with (vice versa for men as well). Life is full of choices and decisions. My choice and end goal of life is about love, appreciation, joy and peace. If staying in a relationship help us attain these feelings, go for it. If staying in a relationship generates anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, I am asking the question why we still want to stay attached to the person?

Rhonda Findling's second book was even more helpful for me than her first (Don't Call that Man). Not just an advice book (though Rhonda has plenty to give here) it provides lots of straightforward insight as to why we cling and accept rejection from all types of unsuitable men (from the Men Who Play Parlor Games, to Runners, to Ambivalent Cybermen). Going beyond blaming dear old mom or dad, she also helps us examine our relationships with our siblings, our insecurities, and our deepest darkest fears. Enlightening and accurate is her evaluation of the diffent types of ambivalent men and how and why they operate. Most helpful is the focus on protecting ourselves and avoiding the pitfalls in this crazy world of love. It's a must read for single women who want a healthy relationship next time; women who have loved and been brutally hurt, and most of all, women who find themselves trapped in a cycle of ambivalent men and want to stop the madness. NB- A free bonus is her message board where the wounded can vent and find warm words and supportive friends.

order this book. All those ???? in your head will start get some answers. Answers that make sense and help guide your heart.

I hope that this book ends up on the best seller list because with all the relationship books out helping you to understand confusing male behavior in a relationship, The Commitment Cure is the real deal.

If you wonder why he acts the way he does AND why you act the way you do in response to him, here are your answers.

What Rhonda's book teaches you is how to deal with these situations when there are a dozen questions in your head - he love me/he loves me not.

It is clear and direct - she describes what his behaviors look like and whether it is worth your emotions and heart (not to mention mental wellbeing) to keep gambling on this man or to walk away from the blackjack table. It is not just a "how to get a man" book but how to recognize a healthy man who is capable of involvement.

For every woman who has ever been involved with a Runner (the guy who leaves when the going gets good), the Fling man (oh so perfect and romantic for a little while anyway) or the Eternal bachelor (that wonderful guy you have been dating for 3 years but has no intention of ever getting married) you will now understand what makes him tick and what you need to do for yourself.

The chapter on "The Desparate Woman" is a must read for the doormats out there to help them understand that they give away all their power and self esteem when they are in that clingy desparate state.

The chapter entitled "Unio Mystica" explains how powerful the sexual attachment can be to the ambivalent man. For those who have been there, this will relate to this. She helps you understand why you are so attached and how to break those bonds.

I think the Commitment Cure helps you to get the closure you are seeking. Your questions are answered without having the need to have a painful encounter with a man you know deep inside you have no business talking to.

Rhonda Findling's superb writing fills in the cracks and voids left by other books on commitmentphobic-men (and women). Here, succinctly, are descriptions of all the men I have dated since my divorce 11 years ago. Half of that time period I was without the technology of the Internet where information and assistance are available 24/7. I sought answers, instead, by devouring relationship books: a practice which has been characterized as a trite habit to conduct while wearing dark sunglasses and perhaps a trenchcoat to disguise one's identity.

Despite the trivialization, "self-help" books ARE exactly that, and a boon to heartsick persons who try to understand their ex's actions and reasons. Perhaps a woman spoke first to a man or answered his personal ad: *that* is the reason for failure, and now she must chastise herself to all eternity for such stupidity. Or, maybe she didn't unlock the car door after being helped into the vehicle: such discourtesy on her part now means she has lost that man forever. But in Rhonda Findling's wise tome, The Commitment Cure, we find clear and concise answers and advice which lifts the burdens from our shoulders.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been confused, hurt, heartbroken, and more. You may just find the answers to your own inner agony.

MOST COMPREHENSIVE BOOK ON AMBIVALENT MEN! It guides a woman to regain her life and looks at the causes for his ambivalent behavior and the reasons why a woman may tolerate such bad behavior from an ambivalent man. The book does not preach, rather, it guides the reader through the process of recognizing patterns and modifying her behavior to empower herself! The book a guide to self-discovery and you will use it as a reference book for life!

If you are dealing with a guy who is ambiguous and you feel like one minute he loves you, the next minute he's in his own little world, this is the perfect book! Very helpful.

I bought this book right after a difficult breakup with an ambivalent man, and it helped me tremendously. I've recommended it to all of my girlfriends. It's great for helping you understand past relationships and better preparing you for new ones. Findling does an awesome job of explaining why many men do what they do and how best to respond to their behavior.

This was a great read after a break-up. It definitley helped me to not pick up the phone and call that Ambivalent Man! Rhonda Findling gives you a run down on types of ambivalent men as well as reason you might be attracting them. She also gives you excersies you can do to help you walk away and never turn back.
This book could be read over and over again, and should!

One of the best self-help books out there for getting beyond the see-saw of an off-and-on relationship. It tells it like it is regarding ambivalence in relationships for both men and women, and includes items on how ambivalence manifests itself in the cyber age. It makes it clear why ambivalent relationships aren't enough to grow on, and helps you define and steer clear of bad choices as well as look at how and why you may be selecting the wrong partner(s) for you. A real palate-cleanser and inspiration for those who need to move on from a less-than-adequate relationship situation.