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Common courtesy: In which Miss Manners solves the problem that baffled Mr. Jefferson

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Why does this nation suffer from an epidemic of rudeness? How can we keep our professional lives from destroying our private lives? How can good manners be squared with the ideals of American life? The Kennedy School of Government at Harvard invited Judith Martin (i.e., Miss Manners) to come and deliver its John M. Olin Distinguished Lecture on these questions, and she responded with this marvelous little book, filled with the sort of good sense (and good humor) that always makes her work eminently readable. The only other scholar ever invited to talk at Harvard on the question of deportment, by the way, was Cotton Mather -- eminent company indeed!

If you think Miss Manners is only interested in which fork to use with the fish course, you obviously haven't been keeping up. She's actually a very skilled practical anthropologist and sociologist, with a lively interest in what sets our theoretically classless American culture apart from the rest of the world. And she has maintained for years that "proper" -- which is to say "common sense" -- etiquette is the very linchpin of a democratic, egalitarian society. A nicely written and very thought-provoking book.

"My mission, rather, is to call attention to the need for a philosophically acceptable and aesthetically pleasing standard of American etiquette."

Judith Sylvia Perlman was born in 1938 and spent part of her childhood in foreign capitals due to her father's work as a United Nations economist. She then worked at The Washington Post for 25 years, covering social events at the White House. Later she became a theater and drama critic. In 1978, she created the Miss Manners column.

This tiny book is a compilation of ideas from a lecture given at Harvard University. Judith Martin approached her field work in a different way from most social scientists. Instead of studying a segment of society for a limited period of time, she simply invited everyone in the country to write to her so she could analyze the problems and provide helpful solutions to perplexing questions about etiquette.

"The state of American etiquette is, however, now worse than ever. Miss Manners is forced to act. I shall attempt to show what went wrong, and to propose a modest solution."

Judith Martin then continues with humor, which I happily laughed along with (out loud) right through this book. I had no idea she was such a comedian.

She explains how America is a place where you do your own thing and guides us into the area of manners vs. morals. She can't believe how anyone would not be able to figure out which fork to use if she could go from using quill pen to using a personal computer in three days.

This book will make you think about how you speak to people when going to a party. I know for a fact, there are many people who don't like being asked: "What do you do?" As if that is more important than "who you are." Perhaps we should go up to people and say: "What is your dream? Who do you want to become?" I myself am more my hobbies than what I do to make money.

I grew up in a country where children were seen and not heard, where everyone seemed to mind their manners, but in America, I often feel very confused about what people expect, because often when I'm very polite, they become offended by my sense of trying to be nice. As if it is not real. Manners online is another story altogether. At forums, it often seems to be survival of the fittest, which is why I went back to my silent life of reviewing.

This tiny book has a huge helping of humor! Once you read this book, you will more than likely want to read Judith's "Guide to Rearing Perfect Children," "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" and "The Name on the White House Floor."

~The Rebecca Review

The text of the book is a transcribed speech which Judith Martin gave to students at a certain Ivy League institution. It covers a short history of official American manners, such as when President Thomas Jefferson tried to apply his democratic ideals by calling all foreign envoys "Mr. Stuart" and the like, as opposed to using titles in official protocol. This idea did not last.

However, there really isn't that much substance in this book that has not been covered in one of Ms. Martin's many other books. Her main idea is that, as a democratic society, social manners should not depend on money or rank, but egalitarianism, where the fair way to decide precedence is by age -- simply for the reason that everyone eventually gets their chance to take precedence, should they live long enough. Still, reading this prompted me to write Ms. Martin to ask her to write a more complete book on the history of American etiquette. I still await that book.

I would recommend buying a different book by Ms. Martin; the wait I had to get this book wasn't worth it.

Miss Manners may understand etiquette and the American society, but writing on a topic that strives to keep our attention alludes her. While reading others on the craft of writing including nonfiction, it is clear that Miss Martin has a great failing, for I felt the need to take three naps while reading this short 70 page work.

So full of her philosophy with a brief smattering of the history, the entirety of the work goes round about the issue without ever saying outright what is Common Courtesy.

What Miss Martin has come up with, if I can read between the lines, since she only leaves us this mechanism to understand her, is that you say Potato and I say PoTahToe.

And that is what America has evolved into and that it may not be alright, but it is. The opening of the book takes great care to say that manners evolve across the globe and that truly they know little of national boundaries, but become instinctive. I can see that thought in reality, but if one is the arbiter of manners, one should be able to define if for us all and then push us towards what that courtesy should be. This book does not. In the end it becomes a waste of my time, especially when nine out of ten words were her hyperbole of thought.