Customer Reviews

In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

When I picked up "In the Company of Women" to read, I was prepared to disagree with every single sentence. A female colleague had given it to me as a gift, saying that all her friends were reading it and having an "aha" experience -- they finally understood what was happening in their interactions with other women at work, with their friends, etc. I wasn't even going to read it, but when she told me that Harvard Business School had the book on its recommended list on its website, I decided to go ahead and at least start.
My fear was that the book would play into every stereotype we professional women have worked so hard to overcome -- reinforcing that all-too-widespread male view that we are emotional, bitchy "girls" just out to get each other. BOY WAS I WRONG! These authors have PhD's and years of experience in corporate America and they know their stuff. I was really impressed with the scholarship and research.
As I was reading I began to see all my friends and myself in the examples. We have all been sabotaged by other women in the workplace; we just didn't want to admit it. I didn't find the advice trite or counterproductive to business in the least --and I didn't find it to be overly focused on the issue itself so that I was left thinking "OK now what do I do?" The majority of the book is focused on solutions THAT WORK, and those solutions are very simple. I have been using them, and I can say with absolute confidence that my work environment is better for all of us -- men and women -- as a result.
We all deal with co-workers based on their personalities, level in the organization, work styles, etc. If I manage someone who isn't brilliant but who is really organized, good-natured, straightforward, and works well under pressure, then I will assign a different project (or in a different way), and with a different set of expectations about completion date, than if he or she is brilliant but disorganized, moody, and gets overwhelmed by pressure. Gender is simply one more factor to consider, but I never thought about it before because I wanted to think it doesn't matter. (Maybe a little leftover 1960's idealism at work-I don't know). But of course gender matters and I just didn't see it! (The rest of our bodies are different -- why wouldn't our brains be too?) That means their work styles are likely to be different too. But as the authors point out, that's not a liability that's a PLUS. I was especially impressed with the biological research Heim and Murphy cite to show how these gender differences are hard-wired --that women's brains are different than men's. I also found the evolutionary and primate studies to be a real eye-opener.
I was prepared to hate this book because I thought it was would be "pop psychology" at its worst. Instead, it's groundbreaking psychology at its best. "In the Company of Women" gives all the scientific, rational explanations and solutions that make it safe for all of us to talk about the problem. It has intense scholarly research combined with "real-world" experience, and solutions, solutions, solutions. Otherwise, women don't want to talk about it for fear of reinforcing that "bitchy girls" stereotype, and men don't want to talk about it because they don't want to appear sexist. If we don't start dealing with the issue, we ALL lose, both in and out of the workplace!
The authors' solutions may seem simple at times, but in my experience the simplest solutions are the most effective ones. I just bought copies to send to my best old college friends as well as to my daughters, and I sent the Harvard Business School review to about 20 other professional women. I am also making the book "required reading" for everybody who reports to me. I hate to be wrong, but it made me realize that women AND men are shooting themselves in the foot by doing what I was doing -- NOT ADMITTING THAT THE PROBLEM EXISTS.
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This book was recommended to me by a friend and I thank her very much. The authors have described processes that explain what I have observed, but couldn't quite understand, until reading this book. Why women have an incredible memory for hurts and injustices; why women can be so 'catty' amongst themselves; why women can talk so intimately and so easily with each other and with men... I could go on and on with the questions I've always had about women. Learning about the 'tend and befriend' hormone and about the Darwinian survival characteristics of many of these behaviors helps men (as well as women) understand and not personalize these inherent patterns. I especially appreciated the research citations and the sound scientific foundations of the authors' conclusions. I have recommended this book to a dozen people I know, and I think it's a worthwhile read for any adult who works with, is in a relationship with, or is a woman - and I guess that's everyone.

I have to say, I felt pretty disgusted with myself, having to pretend to be insecure and self-depreciating, just to get other women to like me. But by God it works.

I tested the techniques out on my very next female customer. I refused to accept her compliments, kept downplaying myself and my accomplishments, while praising her instead and pointing out all the ways in which I felt she was better.

Result: She LOVED me. We actually linked arms and skipped! No kidding! She convinced her husband to give me $500 on a job that wasn't worth half that much money.

Not only is this book helpful in avoiding petty jealousy, the evil eye, and female sabotage, applied to business situations it can be a real cash cow!!! $$$

Take those psychology books that advise you to "Project Self Confidence!" and "Toot Your Own Horn!" and throw them in the garbage. If you are not a man, that will not work for you.

This one tip alone will save your friendships: Don't you dare ever tell a woman good news. If you have good news tell a man. If you have bad news tell a woman.

If you're just bustin' to tell all the girls how your new boyfriend is rich, famous and hunky, DON'T, unless you a have your own personal security detail and somebody willing to start your car for you.

If they find out anyway, make your good fortune sound negative. Tell them he beats you and he slept with your sister. : P

I can sum the whole book up for you: Women can't stand to see another woman happy, especially if they're not. Better learn how to operate within the "Power Dead Even" Rule.

I am sorely disappointed by this book. Instead of addressing the root cause of women who traditionally cannot stand having other women succeed and get ahead, this book promotes appeasement to that irrationality. It is really a collection of tactics to maneuver around bad situations caused by women who get difficult around members of the same sex who are more powerful, more confident, or more successful.

But that's not how it should be. If a woman gets a well-deserved promotion and her female coworkers immediately respond by tearing her down, the problem is with those doing the tearing. But this book does not see it that way. It talks about the "Power Dead Even rule" among women as if it's something that cannot be changed, and therefore must be adhered to. The book actually has an example of a very qualified woman getting promoted, causing fury and anger among her female peers, with the solution being the withdrawal of the promotion of the qualified woman. If holding women back from becoming successful and openly proud of their achievements is the way for women to stop hurting each other, I would not want to live in the world that this book promotes. Womankind deserves more credit than that.

I had picked up this book after reading and being profoundly impressed by "Hard Ball for Women" by Pat Heim, one of the authors for this book. In "Hard Ball for Women", the cultural baggage that women have that hold themselves back is broken down chapter by chapter. Great examples and explanations shed light into the conventional roles of a woman and the changes in perspective she needs to take on to become competitive in her career. In some sense, "Hard Ball for Women" is almost a rebuttal to "In the Company of Women". I do not understand how the same author could have penned both. This book is a let down.

Fantastic book. Every job I have ever had I have had difficulties - ranging from mild to extreme - with other women in the workplace. - Never with the men.

I am in a field dominated by men, where most of the women are in support roles. This only makes things worse. They resent you for your success and confidence and your salary. There is no "old girls club" to nurture or mentor you - only a club to sabotage you if you don't follow the rules - and of course you don't know the rules.

With this book - I now know the rules. Despite the fact that following them will make me feel like a manipulator and dishonestly caring about the small talk that women do - i now realize that I must do it or else!

Every woman in the corporate world should read this and anyone, man or woman who manages women should be required to read this book.

Simply put...the theories in this book WORK. Admittedly somewhat skeptical of implementing the "chip theory" and the power dead even rule, I decided to try them out on a recent business trip. My experience on this trip was unlike any other. From the woman behind the airline ticket counter to the female "guest services" coordinator at the hotel, other women went out of their way to support my needs and made my success possible. Interestingly, when I tried out the theories on men, I found that they responded more positively to me as well. Go out and buy this book as soon as you can. Read it, study it and put the theories into practice. Then sit back and watch how your life changes before your eyes.

This book did have some useful information about the sociocultural reasons behind women's sabotage of one another in the workplace. Much of this information could also be applied outside the workplace. However, I would have liked to see something about how an atypical woman -- one who hasn't been overly socialized to the feminine role -- can deal with those women who are more typically acculturated. I am thankfully now self-employed, but I had problems with other women in past workplaces that I didn't understand. I often experienced them acting cold toward me or getting mad "for nothing." One thing I found really strange was being accused of "not caring about my job" because I chose to keep a level head instead of take it personally when the content of my work was criticized.

Now, to criticize the content of this book, I thought the authors cut inexcusable behavior way too much slack. Yes, there probably is an unwritten "power-dead-even" rule, but acting like a four-year-old and telling lies about someone to the boss, or having an "I'm not going to be your friend anymore!" type of attitude just because someone gets a promotion, is nothing more than immature. If I were managing employees, destructive gossip and bullying would definitely be grounds for discipline, if not termination. It's these kinds of conflicts that make me happy to be a freelance writer!

Fantastic book. Every job I have ever had I have had difficulties - ranging from mild to extreme - with other women in the workplace. - Never with the men.

I am in a field dominated by men, where most of the women are in support roles. This only makes things worse. They resent you for your success and confidence and your salary. There is no "old girls club" to nurture or mentor you - only a club to sabotage you if you don't follow the rules - and of course you don't know the rules.

With this book - I now know the rules. Despite the fact that following them will make me feel like a manipulator and dishonestly caring about the small talk that women do - i now realize that I must do it or else!

Every woman in the corporate world should read this and anyone, man or woman who manages women should be required to read this book.

I found myself nodding as I read some of the anecdotes in this book. Workplace conflict between women is an incredibly important topic, and it is the evil that cannot be named in PC corporate America.

I was really disappointed in the advice the authors offered. Most of the undermining tactics in the anecdotes were quite damaging to the businesses in question, and not just to the women who were being attacked.

The authors' suggestions? Be nice, be sensitive, try to do your own routine office tasks so as not to offend your female support staff or former coworkers. Appeasement seems to be the message. I do not think violations of a company code of conduct, or acting in ways that drive away customers are behaviors that need to be 'understood' and appeased. These behaviors need to be confronted directly, asked to stop, and documented. If they continues, there need to be consequences, and I don't think 'invoking the power-dead-even rule' really covers that. There should not be different standards of behavior for employees based on their sex.

A newly promoted woman who spends her time on administrative tasks for fear of offending her female coworkers will have less time to spend on project deliverables and management, and risks losing her new position and reinforcing the idea that women cannot be effective supervisors or executives.

I did not see many anecdotes about the beneficial alliances women form. I am left with the conclusion that most women in large corporations will have to make the difficult choice between being liked and being successful. I didn't see much constructive advice that would allow you to do both in the real world.

Based on years of research and practical experience of the 3 authors, Pat Heim, Susan Murphy and Susan Golant...

I found this book to be a new and honest perspective on women's relationships. It has helped me in my professional role as well as my roles as a daughter, a sister and a friend. It is extremely insightful and provides real-life examples and effective suggestions on how to create and sustain positive relationships with women.

I have already purchased more than 15 copies for colleagues and friends.