Customer Reviews

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternative to Despair

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

It was like magic that so much of what Dr. Rubin writes in Compassion and Self-Hate hit home with me. I can only say he set me free--from my past, myself and my life as it was. The book enabled me to embrace what life could be, but further influenced how I dealt with the children in my life so they would not be the afraid, nonfunctioning person I had been.

Compassion and Self Hate allowed me to consciously admit and put into perspective many counter productive thoughts which have affected by confidence, self image, and social, academic, and professional goals.

I discoved the book "Compassion and Self Hate" at a time when it was truly needed. After working four months in a marketing job(for which I was afraid to apply for because it pushed me beyond my comfort zone), I was feeling pretty unhappy one evening on the subway ride home from work.

A women next to me was reading Dr. Rubin's book. As I read a couple paragraphs of her book, it immediately related to how I was mentally beating myself up at that moment. I apologized for having read over her shoulder, asked the women for the name and author of the book, and checked the book out at my neighborhood library.

The book is helping me to separate my fear of failure (because I sometimes think that I am smart or talented enough), from my need to analyze what I contribute to the job and the job contributes to my self growth. After deciding that the job is just a challenge for which there is no failure, and a gateway to my next challenge, I hope that I can now stop trying to find reasons why I should quit, be fired, or run.

As my next goal and challenge, I am now taking classes in web development, thinking about graduate school, and working to fulfill a dream of taking a trip to Africa.

While it may be comforting or discomforting to read that many people experience some form of self hating tendancies, it is more comforting to know that there is a book (now available in paperback) that I and my siblings can read to help us deal with unspoken inner pain and self doubt.

Because I believe that children inherit and suffer from the pains of their parents, I plan to buy a paperback copy for myself, five brothers and sisters, four nieces and nephews, two in-laws, one mother and step father, and a Partridge in a Pear Treeeee!

Compassion and Self Hate allowed me to consciously admit and put into perspective many self hating aspects of my life which have kept me from being consistantly confident, assertive, and having the life and professional experiences for which I yearn.

I discoved the book "Compassion and Self Hate" at a time when I really needed it. After having accepted a job that I was afraid to apply for, because it pushed me beyond my comfort zone, I was feeling pretty unhappy one evening on the subway ride home from work. A women next to me was reading the book on the train. As I read a couple paragraphs of her book, it immediately related to how I was mentally beating myself up at that moment. I apolozied for having read over her shoulder and asked for the name and author of the book.

The book has helped me to separate my fear of failure (because I usually think that most people are smarter than myself), from my need to analyze how I contributed to the job and the job contributes to my self growth. After deciding that the job is just my current challenge for which there was not failure, and a stepping stone to my next challenge, I stop try to find reasons why I should quit or be fired.

I am now taking classes in web development, thinking about graduate school, and working to fulfill a dream of taking a trip to Africa to meet family members on my father's side.

While it may be comforting or discomforting to know that most/many people experience some form of self hating tendancies, it is more comforting to know that there is a book (also available in paperback) that I and my sisters and brothers can read to help us deal with unspoken inner pain and self doubt.

I have searched for the book on Amazon.com in hope that it is still in print, and it is, so that I can return this library copy for which I have been checking out for the last eight months. I plan to buy a paperback copy for myself and everyone in my immediate family.

You might find the first 167 pages a worthwhile read in the proper state of mind: 1) You haven't really thought that you hate yourself (you'll find that you do); or 2) You've been reading so many self-help books filled with tests and procedures that you forgot what you're reading them for (because you're trying to accept yourself).

The three stars are for Dr. Rubin's compassionate essays on our creative means for self-inflicted suffering, which run through page 129. I found fascinating his conclusion that we routinely punish ourselves for not measuring up, or as he suggests, for falling from "privileged positions." His blending of anecdote, diagnosis, and remedy makes for a warm, even invigorating, read.

He clumps all mental illness into a single diagnosis, concluding that everything is based on a privileged position -- an illusion of grandeur. Whether this is true or not, the simplicity of his message helps me remember that I'm coming to grips with my human, flawed self and that I'm not trying to become a 'normal' person.

Unfortunately, his generalization leaves room for only a generalized strategy: Admit, recognize, block, analyze, and finally realize. It takes him roughly forty pages to offer a cursory explanation. If he spent the rest of the book detailing a practical technique for applying his strategy for different kinds of self-hate, this book would have become a five-star classic. He didn't.

Instead, he presented a 40-page diatribe entitled "Compassionate Psychophilosopy" that is wrought with hyperbole, demands, and inconsistencies, all written as a first person reflection of the perfectly compassionate self. It is the antitheses of the previous chapters; offering impossibilities of self-reliance that no person could ever attain. The astute reader can draw a few nuggets of wisdom from this and even kind of understand what he may have meant to say.

Finally, he ends with the 70-page "On Human Terms" rant. He offers what amount to little more than a laundry list of complaints about the societal 'them' that has done this evil to us. He paints a rather depressing, superficial and over-generalized examination of the conflict between self and them. This is the kind of tripe I get from my buddy after a few drinks. Not particularly helpful in determining why we cling to--or where we get--these societal expectations.

Bottom line is that there are much better books out there (this was published in 1975). For depression, check out "Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy" by Dr. Burns. For perfectionism, try "Never Good Enough" by Dr. Basco. For a non-judgmental examination of your actual self, try "The New Personality Self-Portrait" by Oldham and Morris. For analysis of self, try "Self Matters" by Dr. McGraw. These are all vastly superior books--each worth about eight or nine stars based on what this book has received.

This book is a tremendous academic and street-smart view of self limiting behavior. Simple actions of "self-hate" ie. not keeping commitments translate into profound self sabotage in the big picture. The book is a must read for people who aren't reaching their full potential.

This book has helped me more than anything I have read. I have been working on compassion for others, but forgot about myself. If you have any behaviors that you want to extract from your life, this will help. Self hate is certainly where I got most of my bad behaviors, and have been working on them for a while. With this book I have found the key to unlocking my self hate and put in its place compassion and self love.

i've read this 2 or 3 times..lost my copy..so, getting another..with wisdom, acceptance, intelligence and love Dr. Rubin lays it right on the line..tremedously insightful and makes a perfect 'bible' for confidence and trudging with trust through self-put downs...john

This book is a real treasure. If you are stuck in your personal development, relationship, career, or any other area of life this book will lend some great insights into some of the many possible causes for your unhappiness, and very practical things to practice that will change how you feel about yourself and your life. Written by someone who clearly has been there himself, this book describes clearly the need for a compassionate outlook on our world, beginning with ourselves and our own lives. The author illustrates the glaring truth that we cannot become truly compassionate toward others until and unless we demonstrate that same compassionate spirit toward ourselves.

This review probably will only help those who have read this masterpiece of a book already and want more info on how to use it.

I have seen reviews that say the book spends most of its pages identifying self hate, and gives very little practical advice about how to conquer the hate after it's been identified.

Yes, that's true. Dr Rubin gives a very general outline of the strategy to conquer self hate, and a few examples of what people have done to fight the self hate once it was identified, and not much else. There are very few pages devoted to tactics.

And I think there are two good reasons for that.

First of all, IT'S ALL YOU NEED! Once you identify the self hate, see the general plan of attack, and read a few examples, you should realize that the idea is to do whatever it takes [as mentioned explicitly in the book], and whatever your inner genius advises, to fight back. Because it's not the weapons so much as the fact of attack itself that leads to ultimate victory.

Second, how can the author know what works for you? He has never even seen you. He can only tell you general principles and a few things that worked for other people. But again, that's all you need from the book to succeed. Only you can know what precise tactic will work for you. And if you don't know, keep trying what you sense might work, or use the tactics mentioned in his examples. Because, [I strongly suspect], the fact of fighting itself, win or lose, time after time, is what leads to success.

I'm interested in forming some kind of group to discuss this book and helping people to use it. Any ideas?

Lately I've read so many self-help books about addiction that I'm beginning to notice a lot of similarities. When I read them now, I'm really just looking for the one thing I didn't already know. But that wasn't the case with "Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair" by Theodore Rubin. I would even hesitate to call it a self-help book. I would call it an "answer to all my problems" book.

I didn't realize until I read "Compassion and Self-Hate" that my self-loathing was at the root of my destructive behavior. My feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy led to a disastrous lifestyle that manifested itself in a severe drug addiction. Rubin perfectly describes me, or the way I used to be, several times - "Such people often look and act exceptionally passive. But this passivity, in relation to other people, masks an extraordinary active process of diminishing and demeaning oneself, which leaves little or no energy for the so-called pursuit of happiness," and - "If other people like them, then they like themselves for the moment. If someone, anyone, rejects them, then they feel destroyed." I learned that if a friend talked to me the way I talked to myself, I would have to rid that person from my life. I failed to realize that intrusive thoughts of self-hate can be ignored, or better yet, completely eradicated. I have to give up my false image of super-human standards, practice humility, stop second-guessing myself, stop injustice collecting, accept that rejection is inevitable and a part of life, and give up my need for total acceptance from others. After reading this book, I've decided to let go, relax, stop berating myself, and let be what will be. I will no longer feel bad because I haven't accomplished enough, achieved enough, or conformed enough. And I will no longer give up living in the here and now to futilely chase after a better future that is always just over the horizon.

When I first read "Compassion and Self-Hate" almost a year ago, it effected a total paradigm shift in my thinking. This isn't one of those touchy-feely books that have you repeating silly, daily affirmations in the mirror. This is a practical guide that will change your life if you suffer from addiction, alcoholism, depression, or any other destructive behavior or emotion. I will read "Compassion and Self-Hate" again and again because I want this to sink in.

David Allan Reeves
Author of "Running Away From Me"