PART ONE The BIG PICTURE on MARRIAGE MENTORING Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing. ECCLESIASTES 7:11 Can you imagine giving an inheritance to another couple --- a couple not related to you? It's an unusual gift, indeed, but that's exactly what you'll be doing as a marriage mentor. As you pour your wisdom into another couple who has not yet traveled the distance you have in your own marriage, you'll impart an invaluable gift that this couple would never receive on their own. That's why we're thrilled at the thought of your interest in marriage mentoring. We also believe you'll find it to be one of the most rewarding activities your marriage will ever enjoy. Before we reveal the fringe benefits to your own relationship however (see chapter 4), we want to be sure you begin this journey with the big picture in view. So, we'll explain exactly what we mean by marriage mentoring, show you what the role entails, and clue you in to how you can avoid the common mistakes some beginning marriage mentors make. WHAT MARRIAGE MENTORING IS AND ISN'T Mentoring is a brain to pick, a shoulder to cry on, and a kick in the pants. JOHN C. CROSBY Even though Rodger and Lynne Schmidt had their sights set on going to Africa as missionaries, they still struggled. 'Is this really something we should be doing?' they were asking themselves. Erik Johnson tells their story in an article he wrote for Leadership Jour nal.1 'At the same time in the same city, another couple was also wrestling with their call, though from the other end of a missionary career. Now retired, this couple was asking, 'After forty-one years as missionaries in Africa, who are we? Our home and life work are on another continent. What is our life all about?'' A mentoring program at Denver Seminary brought these two couples together. And it was a great match. Through this mentoring relationship, the Schmidts' call was confirmed, and the retired couple discovered a pro found sense of significance in their new role as mentors. 'We felt encour aged, they felt validated,' notes Rodger Schmidt. And so go the benefits of mentoring. In this chapter we begin by touching on the immense need for mentors in today's culture. From there we ask what is a mentor in general and then we get specific by exploring exactly what marriage mentoring is and isn't. Finally, we attempt to define the mentoring relationship itself. TODAY'S NEED FOR MENTORS Why do the trades have apprenticeships and professions require intern ships? Because personal attention from experienced practitioners helps learners master essential skills, techniques, attitudes, and knowledge. In every culture throughout human history, mentoring has been the primary means of passing on knowledge and skills. In the past, mentoring took place in the university where a student learned directly from the scholar. It took place in the studio where the artist poured himself into the formation of his proteges. The Bible is certainly filled with examples of mentoring: Eli and Samuel, Elijah and Eli sha, Moses and Joshua, Naomi and Ruth, Eliz abeth and Mary, Barnabas and Paul, Paul and Timothy. And, of course, Jesus and the disci ples is a supreme example of mentoring. Down through the centuries, young people have learned most through careful observation of those more experienced. Up until recently, mentor ing was a way of life between the generations. But today, mentoring, for the most part, is in short supply. Mentoring was once assumed, expected, and therefore, almost unnoticed because of its commonness. But in the modern age, the learning process has shifted. It now relies primarily on computers, classrooms, books, and media. In most cases today, the rela tional connection between the knowledge-and-experience giver and the receiver has weakened or is nonexistent. The time has come to bring back the fine art of mentoring. WHAT IS A MENTOR? Does mentoring's near disappearance mean it is no longer helpful? Abso lutely not. Ask any successful leader and he or she will tell you: a young person starting out in a career, for example, will benefit greatly from a mentor --- an older, experienced person who knows the ropes and will teach a protege how things are done. Here's a pop quiz question: A mentor is . . . a) A model b) An encourager c) An imparter of knowledge d) All of the above The answer is 'd.' A mentor may wear many different hats but the one thing that all mentors share is the ability to listen and encourage. A men tor is 'a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction,' according to the Uncommon Individual Foundation, an organization devoted to mentoring research and training. It reports that mentoring is one of the most powerful tools we have for influencing human behavior. The term mentor arises from an unlikely source. It first appeared in Homer's classic, The Odyssey, where Odysseus asked a wise man named Mentor to care for his son, Telemachus, while Odysseus was off fighting in the Trojan War. Mentor taught the boy 'not only in book learning but also in the wiles of the world.' The fabled Mentor must have done his job well, because Telemachus grew up to be an enterprising lad who gallantly helped his father recover his kingdom. But mentoring is more than the stuff of legends. A real-life mentor, one who serves as a model and provides individualized help and encourage ment, can be invaluable to a receptive mentoree. Among the most impor tant roles mentors play include: * giving timely information to mentorees * modeling aspects of what they wish to impart * challenging and motivating mentorees to move to higher levels * directing mentorees to helpful resources when needed (sometimes painfully so) * encouraging goodness and inspiring greatness * lessening mentorees' anxiety by normalizing experiences * helping mentorees set goals * keeping mentorees accountable to their goals * providing a periodic review and evaluation of mentorees' performance A word of caution is in order: Mentors can do all of the aforementioned things and still be ineffective. Two dynamics are vital to the success of any mentoring relationship. Without them, all the modeling, challenging, encouraging, goal-setting, and accountability will fall flat. The two critical dynamics are (1) attraction, and (2) responsiveness. Attraction is the starting point in every effective mentoring relation ship. The mentor and the mentoree must be drawn to each other to some degree. If either side is not genuinely interested in the other, true mentor ing will never take place. Along with this attractiveness, the mentoree must be willing and ready to learn from the mentor. Without a responsive attitude and a receptive spirit on the part of the mentoree, little genuine mentoring can occur.
