ACHARNIANS
THE ACHARNIANS was produced in 425 b.c., when Aristophanes was barely twenty, but in exuberant inventiveness, lyrical quality, serious political criticism, it is among Aristophanes' best plays. It won the first prize over Cratinus and Eupolis. The characteristic topsy-turvy fantasy upon which the play hinges is the notion that a man weary of an ill-considered war might make an individual peace with the enemy. Here Dicaeopolis makes such a peace with Sparta, but as he is about to celebrate the long-intermitted vintage festival he is attacked by a chorus of Acharnian charcoal burners who represent the war party and he wins a hearing by a parody of Euripides' Telephus. In a seriocomic speech he shows that the causes of the war were trifling, and wins over half the chorus, who are engaged in a violent agon by the other half. These call in the general Lamachus to assist them, but the general too is bested in argument, and the chorus, uniting on Dicaeopolis' side, deliver the poet's parabasis. Then Megarians and Boeotians bring in for sale the good things Athens has lacked. A herald summons Lamachus to a hard campaign, and another, Dicaeopolis to a wine party. Lamachus returns wounded, and Dicaeopolis reels in, having won the prize for drinking, on the arms of pretty flute girls, whom he leads out in procession. If we are astonished at the temerity of a poet who could say a word for the enemy and many words for pacifism amid the passions of war, we must be amazed at a democracy which permitted and sponsored such a play in time of war, and gave it first prize.
CHARACTERS
DICAEOPOLIS
CRIER
AMPHITHEUS
AMBASSADORS
PSEUDO-ARTABAS
THEORUS
DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS
SLAVE OF EURIPIDES
EURIPIDES
LAMACHUS
A MEGARIAN
TWO YOUNG GIRLS, DAUGHTERS OF THE MEGARIAN
AN INFORMER
A BOEOTIAN
NICARCHUS
SLAVE OF LAMACHUS
DERCETES, AN ATHENIAN FARMER
A WEDDING GUEST
CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN CHARCOAL BURNERS
Translated by B. B. Rogers
(dicaeopolis is discovered near the Pnyx, impatiently awaiting the opening of the Assembly. His house, flanked by those of lamachus and euripides, is in the background.)
DICAEOPOLIS. What heaps of things have bitten me to the heart!
A small few pleased me, very few, just four;
But those that vexed were sand-dune-hundredfold.
Let's see: what pleased me, worth my gladfulness?
I know a thing it cheered my heart to see;
The five-talent bribe vomited up by Cleon.
At that I brightened; and I love the Knights
For that performance; 'twas of price to Hellas.
Then I'd a tragic sorrow, when I looked
With open mouth for Aeschylus, and lo,
The Crier called, Bring on your play, Theognis.
Judge what an icy shock that gave my heart!
Next; pleased I was when Moschus left, and in
Dexitheus came with his Boeotian song.
But oh this year I nearly cracked my neck,
When in slipped Chaeris for the Orthian Chant.
But never yet since first I washed my face
Was I so bitten--in my brows with soap,
As now, when here's the fixed Assembly Day,
And morning come, and no one in the Pnyx.
They're in the Agora chattering, up and down
Scurrying to dodge the cord dripping red.
Why, even the Prytanes are not here! They'll come
Long after time, elbowing each other, jostling
For the front bench, streaming down all together
You can't think how. But as for making Peace
They do not care one jot. O City! City!
But I am always first of all to come,
And here I take my seat; then, all alone,
I pass the time complaining, yawning, stretching,
I fidget, write, twitch hairs out, do my sums,
Gaze fondly countryward, longing for Peace,
Loathing the town, sick for my village home,
Which never cried, Come, buy my charcoal, or
My vinegar, my oil, my anything;
But freely gave us all; no buy-word there.
So here I'm waiting, thoroughly prepared
To riot, wrangle, interrupt the speakers
Whene'er they speak of anything but Peace.
--But here they come, our noon-day Prytanes!
Aye, there they go! I told you how 'twould be;
Everyone jostling for the foremost place.
CRIER.Move forward all,
Move up, within the consecrated line.
(amphitheus enters in a violent hurry.)
AMPHITHEUS. Speaking begun?
CRIER.Who will address the meeting?
AMPHITHEUS. I.
CRIER. Who are you?
AMPHITHEUS.Amphitheus.
CRIER.Not a man?
AMPHITHEUS. No, an immortal. For the first Amphitheus
Was of Demeter and Triptolemus
The son: his son was Celeus; Celeus married
Phaenarete, who bore my sire Lycinus.
Hence I'm immortal; and the gods committed
To me alone the making peace with Sparta.
But, though immortal, I've no journey money;
The Prytanes won't provide it.
CRIER.Constables, there!
AMPHITHEUS. O help me, Celeus! help, Triptolemus!
DICAEOPOLIS. Ye wrong the Assembly, Prytanes, ye do wrong it,
Dragging away a man who only wants
To give us Peace, and hanging up of shields.
CRIER. St! Take your seat.
DICAEOPOLIS.By Apollo, no, not I,
Unless you prytanize about the Peace.
CRIER. Oyez! The Ambassadors from the Great King!
(Enter, clad in gorgeous oriental apparel, the envoys sent to the Persian court eleven years previously in the archonship of Euthymenes, 437-436 b.c.)
DICAEOPOLIS. What King! I'm sick to death of embassies,
And all their peacocks and their impositions.
CRIER. Keep silence!
DICAEOPOLIS.Hey! Ecbatana, here's a show.
AMBASSADOR. You sent us, envoys to the Great King's Court,
Receiving each two drachmas daily, when
Euthymenes was Archon.
DICAEOPOLIS.O me, the drachmas!
AMBASSADOR. And weary work we found it, sauntering on,
Supinely stretched in our luxurious litters
With awnings o'er us, through CaØstrian plains.
'Twas a bad time.
DICAEOPOLIS.Aye, the good time was mine,
Stretched in the litter on the ramparts here!
AMBASSADOR. And oft they feted us, and we perforce
Out of their gold and crystal cups must drink
The pure sweet wine.
DICAEOPOLIS.O Cranaan city, mark you
The insolent airs of these ambassadors?
AMBASSADOR. For only those are there accounted men
Who drink the hardest, and who eat the most.
DICAEOPOLIS. As here the most debauched and dissolute.
AMBASSADOR. In the fourth year we reached the Great King's Court.
But he, with all his troops, had gone to sit
An eight-month session on the Golden Hills!
DICAEOPOLIS. Pray, at what time did he conclude his session?
AMBASSADOR. At the full moon; and so came home again.
Then he too feted us, and set before us
Whole pot-baked oxen--
DICAEOPOLIS.And who ever heard
Of pot-baked oxen? Out upon your lies!
AMBASSADOR. And an enormous bird, three times the size
Of our Cleonymus: its name was--Gull.
DICAEOPOLIS. That's why you gulled us out of all those drachmas!
AMBASSADOR. And now we bring you Pseudo-Artabas
The Great King's Eye.
DICAEOPOLIS.O how I wish some raven
Would come and strike out yours, the Ambassador's.
CRIER. Oyez! the Great King's Eye!
DICAEOPOLIS.O Heracles!
By Heaven, my man, you wear a warship look!
What! Do you round the point, and spy the docks?
Is that an oar pad underneath your eye?
AMBASSADOR. Now tell the Athenians, Pseudo-Artabas,
What the Great King commissioned you to say.
PSEUDO-ARTABAS. Ijisti boutti furbiss upde rotti.1
AMBASSADOR. Do you understand?
DICAEOPOLIS.By Apollo, no not I.
AMBASSADOR. He says the King is going to send you gold.
(To pseudo-artabas.) Be more distinct and clear about the gold.
PSEUDO-ARTABAS. No getti goldi, nincompoop Iawny.
DICAEOPOLIS. Wow, but that's clear enough!
AMBASSADOR.What does he say?
DICAEOPOLIS. He says the Ionians must be nincompoops
If they're expecting any gold from Persia.
AMBASSADOR. No, no: he spoke of golden income coupons.
DICAEOPOLIS. What income coupons? You're a great big liar!
You, get away; I'll test the man myself.
(To pseudo-artabas.)
Now look at this (Showing his fist.): and answer Yes, or No!
Or else I'll dye you with a Sardian dye.
Does the Great King intend to send us gold?
(pseudo-artabas nods dissent.)
Then are our envoys here bamboozling us?
(He nods assent.)
These fellows nod in pure Hellenic style;
I do believe they come from hereabouts.
Aye, to be sure; why, one of these two eunuchs
Is Cleisthenes, Sibyrtius' son!
O you young shaver of the hot-souled rump,
With such a beard, you monkey, do you come
Tricked out among us in a eunuch's guise?
And who's this other chap? Not Straton, surely?
CRIER. St! Take your seat! Oyez!
The Council ask the Great King's Eye to dinner
At the Town Hall.
DICAEOPOLIS.Now is not that a throttler?
Here must I drudge at soldiering; while these rogues,
The Town-Hall door is never closed to them.
Now then, I'll do a great and startling deed.
Amphitheus! Where's Amphitheus?
AMBASSADOR.Here am I.
DICAEOPOLIS. Here be eight drachmas; take them; and with all
The Lacedaemonians make a private peace
For me, my wife and children: none besides.
(To the Prytanes1 and citizens.)
Stick to your embassies and befoolings, you.
CRIER. Oyez! Theorus from Sitalces!
THEORUS.Here!
DICAEOPOLIS. O here's another humbug introduced.
THEORUS. We should not, sirs, have tarried long in Thrace--
DICAEOPOLIS. But for the salary you kept on drawing.
THEORUS. But for the storms, which covered Thrace with snow
And froze the rivers. 'Twas about the season
At which Theognis was performing here.
I all that time was drinking with Sitalces;
A most prodigious Athens lover he,
So loyal an admirer, he would scribble
On every wall My beautiful Athenians!
His son, our newly made Athenian, longed
To taste his Apaturian sausages,
And bade his father help his fatherland.
And h...