Customer Reviews

Confessions of a Lost Mother

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4 star:		(4)
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2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

As a "lost birthmother" myself, just the title of this book called out to me. Reading it, I was not disappointed. Elisa Barton's book, which includes a collection of intimate thoughts and stories written by triad members also reveals the genuine camaraderie, learning and healing that can occur through Internet support groups, a medium many are yet unaware of. "Hearing" these emotions firsthand, in the writers' own words, lends credence to the oftentimes turbulent, heart-wrenching emotions of adoption and especially relinquishment. Ms. Barton adds to these tales her valuable wisdom and experience gleaned through her own poignant journey. Her "timebomb" theory is brilliant and right on target. It's something that all birthmothers can now relate to or surely will at some time in the future. I only wish I had read it before the explosion of my own "timebomb" as the insight would have been immeasurably helpful in validating my own feelings of loss and sorrow. Anyone wishing to more clearly understand the birthmother experience will benefit from reading this book.

This book gives the opinions and tell the stories of birthmothers and adoptees who "met" on the internet, interwoven with birthmother Elisa Barton's own story. As a long-time adoption reformer and confirmed technophobe, I was at first skeptical of the worth of internet exchange, but have since become drawn into it myself, and have come to appreciate both email communication in some forms, and this book.

Elisa is a woman of fire and conviction, which comes as a welcome change from the half-dead, wishy-washy style of many social work types in adoption. You may not agree with all her conclusions or beliefs, but you cannot doubt her sincerity or deep commitment to adoption reform and to helping her sister birthmothers.

This is a book that all involved in adoption should read--to see how deeply and often cruelly adoption has affected many birthmothers for their entire lives. It may not apply to all, but to those it does, it is real, and a story that must be told if adoption is ever to become more humane and less exploitive.

Elisa has done us all a service in telling her story, and the stories of other adoption reformers on-line. Her book is attractive, well-written, and passionate--read it!

Mary Anne Manning Cohen: Birthmother, Poet, Origins Co-Founder

Having never met my real father, what I read in this book touched me. A beautiful book.

As a member of one of the Internet adoption forums that served as source for Elisa Menocal Barton's book, I have to say that the issues presented and discussed in the book are indeed international. Some of the legal aspects of adoption may vary from country to country, but the emotional side is universal. The pain of a birthmother in New Zealand, about having lost her child, is the same of that of an US Birthmother. The trauma of identity loss, and not feeling you belong in the family you grow up in, is experienced by adopted people here in the same intensity as it is in other countries. The interactions between adoption triad members in New Zealand during Elisa's visit her last year demonstrated that this book is as relevant here as anywhere else in the world. The book also highlights the power of the Net as a communication tool. Many who take part in the email discussions may have been unable, of unwilling to speak about the personal issues going on for them in a face to face meeting, but found it safe to do so in the privacy of their own computer. It is from time to time very painful to read, but should indeed be read by anyone considering adoption. It totally refutes the believe promoted some years ago that adoption is a one-off event. It is instead a lifelong process that carries over into future generations. Kees Sprengers - Wellington, New Zealand

This is one of the rare books that, after having read it, I can say I have grown a little bit more. Thank you Ms. Barton!

It wasn't like this for every woman that relinquished. This book paints all birthmothers with a very broad brush. We are not all stuck in our relinquishment. If my daughter were to read this would she believe that I was as bitter as these women are? I certainly hope not.

I am an adoptive mother of a beautiful one year old girl. We have just learned that her birthmother is pregnant again and she has asked us to adopt this baby too (another girl!), so that the siblings can be together. I read this book in one evening, and much of it upset me. The section where Elisa talks about cutting out the word "Adopt" in her daughter's t-shirt made me angry. In that same section, she talks about the adoption program at the zoo, and how we treat animals better than humans..how we would never dream of ripping an animal baby away from it's mother before it can take care of itself to hand it over to an infertile mother of the same species. But that is not the same thing! No one is ripping an adopted baby away, the birthmother is making a decision not to raise her child. And the "infertile mother of the same species" is doing the work to raise that child up until the point where it can take care of itself. Adoption is being portrayed here as a very negative thing, and birthmothers are being portrayed as helpless creatures who were given no options. While that may be true in some instances, it certainly isn't true in all, or even most, instances. My daughter's birthmother is a 29 yr old adult making all her own decisions. Her birthfather was a one night stand. There was no coercion involved in her choice, no societal pressure. Adoption is a CHOICE, and a wonderful one at that.. much preferrable to abortion. I have empathy for the pain and loss that birthmothers experience, however I don't believe adoptive parents should be villified or that the adoption process should be considered inhumane (as stated somewhere in the book).

As an adoptee myself and as a birthmother who has been found by my birthdaughter, I can state that many if not most adoption experiences are not what the birthparent expected when they placed their child up for adoption. When I placed my child, I was quite specific about the qualities I wished in the birthparents and was promised that they would be fullfilled. All these many years later, I find that my child was just sold to the highest bidder! After raising 3 other daughters myself, I have decided that the coercion which is used on most birthmothers to make them believe that financial advantage is preferred over nurturing advantage is so totally without merit it is laughable. My child was adopted; she was treated kindly until her adoptive mother had a birthchild of her own. After that, she was abused (as was I in my adoptive parent's home)physicially and emotionally. (That would never have happened in my home; my children adore me because I was a warm and loving mother.) Society too often portrays the birthmother as some slummy little tramp with not enough brains to keep her legs together and the adoptive mother as a woman of high class and a paragon of virtue. This books reverses that picture. The book may sound bitter, but then alot of birthparents are bitter about the lies they were told and the way they have been portrayed. Especially 25 years ago, birthmothers weren't given the choices they are now. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't give my pet dog to an adoptive parent.

Having made friends with the author playing bridge online, I was delighted to see a book that was inspired by both her passion for her subject and her use of the online chat environment to to deal with that subject. I think this book is both about adoption and the wonderful opportunities that exist to meet and share ideas and make friends online. Chat areas and the like are much malingned as silly places for silly people. But if you find a venue,,,a place with a purpose like Elisa's areas on adoption or more fun places like online bridge,,,,,the expansion of your world and the ability to reach others you would never see are amazing. While Elisa has found a great use in sharing her passion for the adoption issue,,,,and others just meet and make good friends in a friendly bridge room. Thanks Elisa and thanks for the book.

This book came at a wonderful time for me as a new birthmother. I found it to be alternately funny, sad, and bittersweet, but always literate and truthful. Barton handles the new media of internet mail like a pro and makes a very readable book from a collection of diverse voices. Highly recommended.