Part One
The Journey
(jer ne) n. the act of going from one place to another
Chapter
1Reality Check
Prince Charming has either turned into a toad
or run off with Sleeping Beauty; now what?!
'Now what?' turns out to be the ultimate question when a woman starts to look at divorce head-on. As I fumbled my way through the process I felt desperate and uncertain before, during and after the divorce. I was charting unknown territory at a time when I was barely functioning as a result of my 'divorce hangover.' I just wanted to close my eyes and have somebody else deal with the whole mess and wake me up when it was over. Every morning I would force myself out of bed and wonder how this became my life and how I was going to make it through another day. I'm sure these feelings are all too familiar.
Regardless of where you are in your process, this book will help you get a grip. Facing yourself and the reality of your situation can be overwhelming and paralyzing. This book will give you tools to be productive and more objective in your decisions by minimizing some of the 'trauma drama' that naturally accompanies divorce. This will give you clarity to break down the process and the courage to do what has to be done to get yourself back on track.
A divorce can seem like a life-consuming event. It can bring out a wide range of emotions, beliefs and controversy in yourself and your circle of friends and family. The good news is that this will eventually be just a blip on your radar screen. The uncomfortable situation you are in will change, and life is waiting for you to choose your path. Every woman has her own perspective and unique set of circumstances that will determine the choices she makes along her journey.
When my divorce became public knowledge, I was bombarded with inappropriate questions from many female acquaintances. While I was put off by their intrusiveness, I realized some of them were in 'desperate housewife mode' and needed help and someone to talk to. Others were just rudely curious to see if my grass was actually greener on the other side as they contemplated and compared their own happiness.
A Good Look in the Mirror
Before moving on with what you need to know about divorce, the next few pages will ask you to look before you leap if you find yourself wanting out of your marriage. Because you may be the initiator of the divorce, I urge you to explore this part of the book with honesty. Choosing to divorce might ultimately be your decision, but it should be one made in a state of calm with little doubt and few regrets.
When someone approaches me and says he or she wants a divorce, my first reaction is to ask, 'Are you sure?' Decisions made in haste can take on lives of their own, and before you know it, there may be no turning back to save your marriage. Deep down we all know when we are at peace with the decisions we've made—big and small. Sometimes we listen to our gut, and sometimes we don't. When we make decisions and take action while our doubt mechanism is in full gear, we know we will eventually pay for it. To avoid this scenario, respect the little voice inside you if it says 'wait.' Your gut instinct is asking you to reevaluate the situation before making your decision. Before making this significant change in your life, take a good look at yourself and your concept of marriage.
When you're looking at the choice to divorce, forget all about the idea of the romantic fairy tale. It's time to take a good look at marriage and understand what it really takes to make this type of partnership work. Depending on how realistic and honest you are when evaluating your situation, when it comes to a divorce, you may find that the grass is not always greener on the other side. For a good dose of reality, sit down and write out a pro and con list of staying married versus the realities of divorce and being single.
Consider the following: children, your career status and ability to make money, finances, lifestyle changes, cost of divorce, being single again, and the threat of sexually transmitted diseases once you're back on the dating circuit. (You may be thinking, 'I never want to date again,' but trust me, you will.)
Consider the following:
• Have you gone to marriage counseling?
• -Have you and your spouse taken the time to talk and isolate the real problems of the marriage?
• -Do you really listen to each other or just nag, complain and tune out?
• -How well do you compromise and try to find time for enjoying quality time together?
• How productive or destructive are your methods of fighting?
• Do you kiss and make up without holding grudges?
• Are you teammates working toward the same goals?
• Are you both willing to work on your issues together?
Writing out the answers to these questions will help guide you in making an educated, rational decision. Divorce is difficult, but it might be your best option and worth the temporary discomfort of transitioning into a new life. The process of honest evaluation will help you experience more peace and have fewer doubts regardless of your decision.
'Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
who's the most honest one of all?'
Part of your reality check of marriage starts with taking a good honest look at yourself. Do a self-audit of who you are and how you have changed since you have been married. Everyone has the right to enjoy their own pity party, but eventually it's time to get a grip and move on. Be the adult by putting an end to the blame game and take responsibility for your own issues and contributions to the deterioration of the relationship. Ask yourself the following questions:
• How is my self-esteem?
• What kind of life do I have outside of my family?
• -Do I play the martyr role and take care of everyone while putting my own needs and wants on the bottom of the list?
• -How would my husband describe how I have changed from the person I was before we married?
• Do I still know how to have fun?
Maria—42 years old
On my forty-second birthday I found out that my husband was having an affair with another woman; happy birthday to me. It was as though he wanted to get caught. I had always paid the bills, and he knew that I scrutinized the credit card statements every month. I noticed that in the billing cycle right before my birthday, there were quite a few purchases made at a woman's boutique. The day of my birthday I anxiously awaited my new gifts, only to be presented with a small bouquet of flowers.
The next day I asked him about his purchases. Just like that, he came clean about his affair. He even seemed relieved that his secret was out in the open. I felt like he vomited all over me and left me standing there in the mess.
Humiliated, angry and in shock, I locked myself in my bedroom and refused to talk to him. After two days I emerged from my cave and prepared for battle. I found a good attorney and pulled myself together to deal with my new reality with my husband. When I asked him why he did this to us, his response left me dazed and confused, he told me he missed me and wanted to get my attention.
I became outraged and called him every curse word I felt was appropriate. I told him he was ridiculous; we lived under the same roof, had our meals together and slept in the same bed. He said that was exactly his point. In his mind, we were nothing more than roommates. Our sex life had become routine and almost nonexistent. I stopped being his 'Energizer bunny' and never seemed to have any fun time left over for him. I thought, 'Yeah, that's right, I'm exhausted because I'm raising our kids and doing your laundry.' It was so hard to hear, I started scanning the room for the heaviest object I could hurl at him; I wanted to inflict some serious pain. Somehow I controlled my urge, but I had to torture myself just a little more: I asked him if he loved her. He laughed as he shook his head no and told me that he loved me.
The conversation didn't make sense. I felt like I must be living on a different planet. He cheated on me, but he did it because he loves me; then he tells me he wants to go for counseling to save our marriage. My head was spinning, but my pride got the best of me so I continued on course with my new attorney. It wasn't until my mother told me to slow things down that I considered trying to work it out and agreed to go to therapy. After a few sessions together, the therapist wanted me to start therapy with her on my own. Now I thought she was nuts, he's the cheater and he's the one that needs help, not me. I'm the innocent victim.
A few weeks into our sessions after talking about my past, I started realizing just how lost, angry and out of touch I was. I married young, and within that first year I became pregnant with twins. My career as a reporter bec...
