Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The best introduction for Compassionate, Connected Parenting, December 31, 2007
There seem to be no bounds to clever and innovative ways of changing children's behaviour. Common approaches span anything from spanking, time outs, Magic 1, 2, 3, to positive discipline and offering rewards. The commonality of these "techniques" are that they begin with the aim of controling, manipulating or altering behaviour.
Then there is the other world view. This alternative attempts to delve beyond a child's behaviour and focuses on who the child is, their intrinsic motivation and the importance or primacy of their relationship with the parent in that context.
This often involves understanding, meeting needs and connecting with a child. There are no quick fixes here, it is an approach based on non coercive, respectful and loving relationships. For practitioners of this parenting approach behaviour becomes another form of communication and expression, rather than something to be controlled or changed.
This world view also has its fair share of acronyms, books and techniques - often to the point where parents wanting to explore it will not know where to begin. Well at least that is one problem solved...
If you are indeed curious about and open to this alternative approach then Pam Leo's Connection Parenting represents a fantastic introduction, distillation and road map for your journey. (Pam Leo pictured right.)
The book is a product from Pam Leo's more than 55,000 hours of experience with children and stems from a Connection Parenting Course she initiated in 1982 entitled "Meeting the Needs of Children". The years spent developing, refining and simplifying her message pay off with a strong clarity and economy in her book, making it extremely readable.
For those brave enough you can interact and engage with it fully by answering questions and doing exercises. For others it can still become an excellent reference and summary of many key concepts in the field of non coercive parenting.
IT'S ABOUT YOU
Leo begins and ends the book with a confronting look at ourselves, the parents. The first chapter, "Connecting with Ourselves" examines our self perceived strengths and weaknesses as well as our own experience of being parented to assist in identifying our "parenting inheritance".
In this process Leo is constantly encouraging us to be compassionate and accepting of what has been. She creates a powerful balance between understanding and outing our baggage while focusing energy on where we wish to go from here. In fact she encourages us to generate a list of parenting goals which she refers to throughout the rest of the book.
The book ends with a chapter entitled "Connecting with Our Own Needs". Here she identifies that children's needs are best met when we acknowledge and meet our needs first. From small daily tips (eg. taking 10 minutes a day to nurture yourself) to developing resources, support structures and communities around yourself - its focus is providing the parent with the most powerful context and opportunity to connect with their child possible.
These two chapters frame the discussion - on one side connecting with ourselves and on the other connecting with our needs and in the process often with a broader support community. Within that framework the remaining five chapters explore practical approaches to connect with our child.
TREASURING CHILDREN
A basic premise of Connection Parenting is that "maintaining connection is the key to loving, effective parenting and to our children's optimal human development." Connection then becomes a prism through which Leo understands and explains many other parenting issues.
Leo launches the section on connection with children with a strong argument for greater respect of children. Her passion and ability to empathise with children shine through. Ultimately she suggests affording our children the same respect that we would give a friend. Rather than lecturing children Leo underlines the crucial role of modeling, as she says, "how we treat them is what we teach them."
In the chapters on Connecting through "Listening to Children's Feelings" and "through Communication that Builds Relationship", Leo manages to use and summarise key concepts from the likes of Aletha Solther's Aware Parenting, Marshall Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication and others.
Leo touches on the paradigm shift, that crying and "tantrums" are part of releasing emotions and a healing process that are healthy and important to support rather than trying to shut down. At the same time she outlines concrete examples of how to "listen with love and compassion". With all of these concepts Leo identifies common practices before suggesting and detailing "New Skills", including concrete examples.
Finally in the chapter on "Connection through the Discipline of Decoding Children's Behaviour" Leo outlines "behaviour as a communication of need". Again in a massive shift from behaviourally focused parenting approaches Leo argues that "children need love more when they appear to deserve it the least." She spells out specific steps parents can take in understanding and meeting their child's needs in the midst of heated situations.
A POWERFUL BOOK FOR POWERFUL CHANGE
There are countless practical strengths of Connection Parenting - its easy to read format; Leo's ability to introduce and offer practical examples of many concepts; the wealth of references and resources she provides; the prioritising of giving parents tangible tools and skills to make change.
However one of my favourite things about the book was Leo's obvious warmth, compassion and love. She has this for children who her book will contribute to but also a real empathy and understanding of the parent.
In my experience parents exploring alternative parenting often get caught in cycles of guilt, self blame and judgement for what has been or what they are unable to achieve - Leo seems to anticipate this and her wisdom is consistently expressed in forgiving, gentle tones throughout.
For those seasoned parents who have read many books in this field and are practicing unschooling, consensual living or connected parenting - then Leo's explanations might be familiar, perhaps even superficial at times. However that is a reasonable price to pay for covering so much ground so fast. That said, even the most seasoned and well read non coercive parent will no doubt find a few new gems and appreciate the straightforward style as Leo distills many concepts and ideas so simply.
For parents new to these topics Connection Parenting is more than an interesting read, it can be a plan for action and change. It is not necessarily going to convince parents to make change but is the perfect first step for those who are already asking questions and wanting change.
Quite simply if you are, or you know someone at the early stages of exploring alternatives to authoritarian, coercive or behaviourally focussed parenting then buying Connection Parenting is the best possible first step you can make.
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17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Read this book!, June 21, 2006
I few years ago I went to Maine to give a talk about parenting. A number of moms came up to ask questions afterwards, and I was amazed at how thoughtful and reflective they were about their children, and about themselves. They all had a tremendous respect for their children and some great ideas about how to make things better for their families. I asked them, jokingly, if they had all taken the same class or something. They laughed and said that they had, they had taken Pam Leo's workshop called Meeting the Needs of Children. i decided I had to meet this person, and I did. We ended up presenting several lectures and workshops together. I was thrilled when she wrote her book, so that now those people who aren't able to take her class (and even those who do) can still get her wisdom and warmth. After reading the book, I was even more thrilled--it is well-written, powerful, and compassionate. I strongly recommend it. Larry Cohen, author of Playful Parenting.
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35 of 43 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Book for Global Transformation , January 18, 2007
Henry David Thoreau first read his essay on "Civil Disobedience" in public during a lecture in 1848 and within fifty years, a young Indian lawyer in Africa had read it and incorporated those ideas into his own life. That lawyer was named Mohandas Gandhi, and Thoreau's work, along with the work of Russian writer Leo Tolstoy, became the foundation of a movement that brought down an empire and changed the course of world history. Someone once said to me, "There is nothing in the world so powerful as an idea whose time has come." Pam Leo's book, "Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion... Through Love Instead of Fear" is a book of ideas whose time has come.
After reading this book, I understood myself better than I ever have from reading any other book. And trust me, I've read a lot of books, on average two or three a week for the last 35 years. In every book, I've found one or two useful bits about the human condition that I could both absorb and put into practice. This is the only body of work I have ever encountered where all the scattered pieces are in one place, all at the same time.
There are at least four layers in "Connection Parenting". The first layer is the most obvious; it's a book about parent/child bonding and attachment. This is a practical framework for optimizing family relationships so that everyone in a family gets their essential needs met and can thrive. This book lays out what we need to do differently so our children don't drive us crazy, so they can grow up to be whole, functional adults able to have healthy relationships, find meaningful work, and have satisfying lives. This alone is worth the price of the book, just for the information we need to become more effective parents.
A second layer is that this book also maps out a process for building a Connection Parenting support community, using these ideas as a foundation for developing our current relationships with other parents into proactive resources. Many of us have lost the strong connections and support from our extended family. We are hungry for real community, and we desperately need the resources and support that community can provide. This is a workshop in a book, and though I'm certain it will be incredibly useful for any parent who reads it and completes the exercises by themselves, its greatest power and effect will be realized by those who put it into practice as a member of a parenting group committed to mutual support.
The third layer speaks to self-reflection, which is where I started this review. It is impossible to read Connection Parenting without some small, quiet, internal aspect of our heart saying, "Wait a minute, if this is what I really needed as a child, and that is what I got instead, well no wonder I have these kinds of challenges in my life as an adult." While the primary focus of "Connection Parenting" is indeed creating and sustaining healthy parent/child bonds, the reality is that this book carries both a theoretical and a practical framework for optimal development in all human relationships.
The fourth layer may not be so obvious. At its core, "Connection Parenting" is about love, about deep, human bonding through trust, compassion and respect. If we raise generations of children in this way, millions of them throughout the world, what kind of society and culture will they create over time? What if everyone knew this, lived it, and practiced it in every family, in every relationship? Perhaps you think it was marketing spin, pure hyperbole, for me to compare "Connection Parenting" with "Civil Disobedience". Ok, that's fine, but I'll make a prediction here: Connection Parenting is going to shake the world in ways we can't even begin to see today. What effect will these ideas have on war, crime, domestic violence, child abuse, drug addiction, poverty and so on? How will positive changes in those persistent and problematic social challenges affect our global economy? This body of work implies downstream impacts that are monumental in scope.
I suspect "Connection Parenting" will be incredibly controversial. I've already seen a direct correlation between the level of my reaction to some of the ideas set forth here and the level of wounding I still carry inside myself from my own childhood. If I've seen that in myself, I can only imagine how people from groups based on coercive ideologies will respond. Let me say that a different way. If you read this book and find yourself reacting with strong resistance, your reaction will likely be in exact proportion to the degree to which your needs were not met as a child, as they are set forth in this book. I personally don't see that as a bad thing, in fact, I see it as helpful when ideas new to me illuminate the darker corners in me that I'm still working out.
Whatever your reaction, my deepest hope is that everyone reads this book and applies Connection Parenting principles within their families and in their relationships with children. I will gladly recommend this book to every client I work with. Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see." "Connection Parenting" can change the world one family at a time and that's good enough for me.
Carmine Leo, CEC, PCC
Executive & Corporate Coach
Emotional Intelligence Development
www.LifeCoaching.com
A brief note after the review:
By now you may have noticed that Pam and I share a common surname. You might even have guessed that we are related, and indeed we are: Pam is my former wife and current dearest friend. If you think that makes me biased, you are absolutely correct. I suspect that there is no one in the world, other than Pam herself, who is more intimately familiar with her work than I am. Throughout the decades of our relationship it has been, without exception, an extraordinary privilege to know her, to learn from her, and to be a witness to the evolution of the body of ideas set forth in Connection Parenting. How many divorced men do you know who are willing and able to say that about their former wives? If I have been able to contribute to her success in some small way, that too has been one of her many gifts to me.
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