Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition [Paperback]

Pam Leo (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1932279768 | ISBN-13: 978-1932279764 | Publication Date: July 7, 2007 | Edition: 2nd

CONNECTION PARENTING is based on the parenting series Pam Leo has taught for nearly 20 years. Pam’s premise is that every child’s greatest emotional need is to have a strong emotional bond with at least one adult. When we have a bond with a child we have influence with a child. Pam teaches us that when we strengthen our parent-child bond we meet the child’s need for connection and our need for influence. “...here is a concise, simple, eminently readable and instructive summary of the knowledge Pam has gained through these years of devoted service. I can’t recommend this book highly enough and will surely promote it at every opportunity.” ~ Joseph Chilton Pearce, author, MAGICAL CHILD

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Parenting experts from around the world have embraced Pam Leo's work. Dr. Christiane Northup writes: "Pam's Connection Parenting is utterly transformational. If all parents read and applied its wisdom, the world would be transformed. Pam Leo has been working with families for more than thirty years as a childcare provider, parent educator, childbirth educator, doula, grief work facilitator, and parent mentor. With a passion for learning, teaching, and writing about optimal human development Pam was the Empowered Parents columnist for the Parent & Family paper in Maine for over ten years.

Product Details

• Paperback: 212 pages
• Publisher: Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing; 2nd edition (July 7, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1932279768
• ISBN-13: 978-1932279764
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #83,822 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

59 of 60 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The best introduction for Compassionate, Connected Parenting, December 31, 2007

By 

Arun Pradhan "http://theparentingpit.com" (Byron Bay, NSW, Australia) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition (Paperback)

There seem to be no bounds to clever and innovative ways of changing children's behaviour. Common approaches span anything from spanking, time outs, Magic 1, 2, 3, to positive discipline and offering rewards. The commonality of these "techniques" are that they begin with the aim of controling, manipulating or altering behaviour.

Then there is the other world view. This alternative attempts to delve beyond a child's behaviour and focuses on who the child is, their intrinsic motivation and the importance or primacy of their relationship with the parent in that context.

This often involves understanding, meeting needs and connecting with a child. There are no quick fixes here, it is an approach based on non coercive, respectful and loving relationships. For practitioners of this parenting approach behaviour becomes another form of communication and expression, rather than something to be controlled or changed.

This world view also has its fair share of acronyms, books and techniques - often to the point where parents wanting to explore it will not know where to begin. Well at least that is one problem solved...

If you are indeed curious about and open to this alternative approach then Pam Leo's Connection Parenting represents a fantastic introduction, distillation and road map for your journey. (Pam Leo pictured right.)

The book is a product from Pam Leo's more than 55,000 hours of experience with children and stems from a Connection Parenting Course she initiated in 1982 entitled "Meeting the Needs of Children". The years spent developing, refining and simplifying her message pay off with a strong clarity and economy in her book, making it extremely readable.

For those brave enough you can interact and engage with it fully by answering questions and doing exercises. For others it can still become an excellent reference and summary of many key concepts in the field of non coercive parenting.

IT'S ABOUT YOU

Leo begins and ends the book with a confronting look at ourselves, the parents. The first chapter, "Connecting with Ourselves" examines our self perceived strengths and weaknesses as well as our own experience of being parented to assist in identifying our "parenting inheritance".

In this process Leo is constantly encouraging us to be compassionate and accepting of what has been. She creates a powerful balance between understanding and outing our baggage while focusing energy on where we wish to go from here. In fact she encourages us to generate a list of parenting goals which she refers to throughout the rest of the book.

The book ends with a chapter entitled "Connecting with Our Own Needs". Here she identifies that children's needs are best met when we acknowledge and meet our needs first. From small daily tips (eg. taking 10 minutes a day to nurture yourself) to developing resources, support structures and communities around yourself - its focus is providing the parent with the most powerful context and opportunity to connect with their child possible.

These two chapters frame the discussion - on one side connecting with ourselves and on the other connecting with our needs and in the process often with a broader support community. Within that framework the remaining five chapters explore practical approaches to connect with our child.

TREASURING CHILDREN

A basic premise of Connection Parenting is that "maintaining connection is the key to loving, effective parenting and to our children's optimal human development." Connection then becomes a prism through which Leo understands and explains many other parenting issues.

Leo launches the section on connection with children with a strong argument for greater respect of children. Her passion and ability to empathise with children shine through. Ultimately she suggests affording our children the same respect that we would give a friend. Rather than lecturing children Leo underlines the crucial role of modeling, as she says, "how we treat them is what we teach them."

In the chapters on Connecting through "Listening to Children's Feelings" and "through Communication that Builds Relationship", Leo manages to use and summarise key concepts from the likes of Aletha Solther's Aware Parenting, Marshall Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication and others.

Leo touches on the paradigm shift, that crying and "tantrums" are part of releasing emotions and a healing process that are healthy and important to support rather than trying to shut down. At the same time she outlines concrete examples of how to "listen with love and compassion". With all of these concepts Leo identifies common practices before suggesting and detailing "New Skills", including concrete examples.

Finally in the chapter on "Connection through the Discipline of Decoding Children's Behaviour" Leo outlines "behaviour as a communication of need". Again in a massive shift from behaviourally focused parenting approaches Leo argues that "children need love more when they appear to deserve it the least." She spells out specific steps parents can take in understanding and meeting their child's needs in the midst of heated situations.

A POWERFUL BOOK FOR POWERFUL CHANGE

There are countless practical strengths of Connection Parenting - its easy to read format; Leo's ability to introduce and offer practical examples of many concepts; the wealth of references and resources she provides; the prioritising of giving parents tangible tools and skills to make change.

However one of my favourite things about the book was Leo's obvious warmth, compassion and love. She has this for children who her book will contribute to but also a real empathy and understanding of the parent.

In my experience parents exploring alternative parenting often get caught in cycles of guilt, self blame and judgement for what has been or what they are unable to achieve - Leo seems to anticipate this and her wisdom is consistently expressed in forgiving, gentle tones throughout.

For those seasoned parents who have read many books in this field and are practicing unschooling, consensual living or connected parenting - then Leo's explanations might be familiar, perhaps even superficial at times. However that is a reasonable price to pay for covering so much ground so fast. That said, even the most seasoned and well read non coercive parent will no doubt find a few new gems and appreciate the straightforward style as Leo distills many concepts and ideas so simply.

For parents new to these topics Connection Parenting is more than an interesting read, it can be a plan for action and change. It is not necessarily going to convince parents to make change but is the perfect first step for those who are already asking questions and wanting change.

Quite simply if you are, or you know someone at the early stages of exploring alternatives to authoritarian, coercive or behaviourally focussed parenting then buying Connection Parenting is the best possible first step you can make.

19 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Little Realism Here, March 2, 2009

By 

katiespace (Austin, Texas) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition (Paperback)

I was excited to get this book because of the high reviews, but I turned out to be very dissatisfied.

I will admit, this book does give some food for thought which is why I gave it three rather than two stars.

However, the book is deeply grounded in idealism rather than realism. It gives you a goal, but no advice on how to practically put it into action.

At the heart is that if your kids are having behavior problems, it's because their needs aren't being fully met. There is sparse advice on activities to try to meet these needs.

There is also no reference to any research to support the ideas presented, and the book is written almost as though it was just a stream of consciousness rather than as something meant to be a professional guide.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Best Parenting Advice I Have Found, June 28, 2009

By 

Liza Dufresne "nightstand stacker" (Boston, MA United States) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition (Paperback)

I am a mom of two energetic, strong-willed boys. I have read many parenting books, blogs and articles in search of solutions to the problem of how to "discipline" them without losing my temper and my sanity and without being a marshmallow parent. I love this book. A key phrase it contains is, "bad behavior is an expression of an unmet need." Ms. Leo explains to us that when kids "misbehave," they have actually gone beyond the breaking point and are asking for help with a desperate measure--because at age 3, 4, 5 or what have you they do not know how to articulate what is happening with them. We, as parents, need to decipher the behavior. Is it hunger? Rest? Are her or his feelings hurt from something that happened earlier in the day that was not resolved? This does not mean that the undesirable behavior is okay, and that we let it slide. It means that we find out what is going on through communication and get the kid back on track with communication and love and appropriate, calm, respectful treatment. As parents, we tend to tune into the cries and signals of newborns; however, as children get older we tend to focus on "discipline": time outs, loss of privileges, reprimands and recriminations more often than not doled out in a loud, authoritarian voice. After all, we're supposed to be in charge, right? Pam Leo shows us how to treat children with respect. To listen to them, and to gently set limits in an appropriate manner. Again, I love this book. I highly recommend it to parents of all children, particularly parents of young children going through the particularly difficult 2 to 5 stage.