CONNECTION PARENTING is based on the parenting series Pam Leo has taught for nearly 20 years. Pam’s premise is that every child’s greatest emotional need is to have a strong emotional bond with at least one adult. When we have a bond with a child we have influence with a child. Pam teaches us that when we strengthen our parent-child bond we meet the child’s need for connection and our need for influence. “...here is a concise, simple, eminently readable and instructive summary of the knowledge Pam has gained through these years of devoted service. I can’t recommend this book highly enough and will surely promote it at every opportunity.” ~ Joseph Chilton Pearce, author, MAGICAL CHILD
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About the Author
Parenting experts from around the world have embraced Pam Leo's work. Dr. Christiane Northup writes: "Pam's Connection Parenting is utterly transformational. If all parents read and applied its wisdom, the world would be transformed. Pam Leo has been working with families for more than thirty years as a childcare provider, parent educator, childbirth educator, doula, grief work facilitator, and parent mentor. With a passion for learning, teaching, and writing about optimal human development Pam was the Empowered Parents columnist for the Parent & Family paper in Maine for over ten years.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
63 of 64 people found the following review helpful
By Arun Pradhan
Format:Paperback
There seem to be no bounds to clever and innovative ways of changing children's behaviour. Common approaches span anything from spanking, time outs, Magic 1, 2, 3, to positive discipline and offering rewards. The commonality of these "techniques" are that they begin with the aim of controling, manipulating or altering behaviour.
Then there is the other world view. This alternative attempts to delve beyond a child's behaviour and focuses on who the child is, their intrinsic motivation and the importance or primacy of their relationship with the parent in that context.
This often involves understanding, meeting needs and connecting with a child. There are no quick fixes here, it is an approach based on non coercive, respectful and loving relationships. For practitioners of this parenting approach behaviour becomes another form of communication and expression, rather than something to be controlled or changed.
This world view also has its fair share of acronyms, books and techniques - often to the point where parents wanting to explore it will not know where to begin. Well at least that is one problem solved...
If you are indeed curious about and open to this alternative approach then Pam Leo's Connection Parenting represents a fantastic introduction, distillation and road map for your journey. (Pam Leo pictured right.)
The book is a product from Pam Leo's more than 55,000 hours of experience with children and stems from a Connection Parenting Course she initiated in 1982 entitled "Meeting the Needs of Children". The years spent developing, refining and simplifying her message pay off with a strong clarity and economy in her book, making it extremely readable.
For those brave enough you can interact and engage with it fully by answering questions and doing exercises. For others it can still become an excellent reference and summary of many key concepts in the field of non coercive parenting.
IT'S ABOUT YOU
Leo begins and ends the book with a confronting look at ourselves, the parents. The first chapter, "Connecting with Ourselves" examines our self perceived strengths and weaknesses as well as our own experience of being parented to assist in identifying our "parenting inheritance".
In this process Leo is constantly encouraging us to be compassionate and accepting of what has been. She creates a powerful balance between understanding and outing our baggage while focusing energy on where we wish to go from here. In fact she encourages us to generate a list of parenting goals which she refers to throughout the rest of the book.
The book ends with a chapter entitled "Connecting with Our Own Needs". Here she identifies that children's needs are best met when we acknowledge and meet our needs first. From small daily tips (eg. taking 10 minutes a day to nurture yourself) to developing resources, support structures and communities around yourself - its focus is providing the parent with the most powerful context and opportunity to connect with their child possible.
These two chapters frame the discussion - on one side connecting with ourselves and on the other connecting with our needs and in the process often with a broader support community. Within that framework the remaining five chapters explore practical approaches to connect with our child.
TREASURING CHILDREN
A basic premise of Connection Parenting is that "maintaining connection is the key to loving, effective parenting and to our children's optimal human development." Connection then becomes a prism through which Leo understands and explains many other parenting issues.
Leo launches the section on connection with children with a strong argument for greater respect of children. Her passion and ability to empathise with children shine through. Ultimately she suggests affording our children the same respect that we would give a friend. Rather than lecturing children Leo underlines the crucial role of modeling, as she says, "how we treat them is what we teach them."
In the chapters on Connecting through "Listening to Children's Feelings" and "through Communication that Builds Relationship", Leo manages to use and summarise key concepts from the likes of Aletha Solther's Aware Parenting, Marshall Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication and others.
Leo touches on the paradigm shift, that crying and "tantrums" are part of releasing emotions and a healing process that are healthy and important to support rather than trying to shut down. At the same time she outlines concrete examples of how to "listen with love and compassion". With all of these concepts Leo identifies common practices before suggesting and detailing "New Skills", including concrete examples.
Finally in the chapter on "Connection through the Discipline of Decoding Children's Behaviour" Leo outlines "behaviour as a communication of need". Again in a massive shift from behaviourally focused parenting approaches Leo argues that "children need love more when they appear to deserve it the least." She spells out specific steps parents can take in understanding and meeting their child's needs in the midst of heated situations.
A POWERFUL BOOK FOR POWERFUL CHANGE
There are countless practical strengths of Connection Parenting - its easy to read format; Leo's ability to introduce and offer practical examples of many concepts; the wealth of references and resources she provides; the prioritising of giving parents tangible tools and skills to make change.
However one of my favourite things about the book was Leo's obvious warmth, compassion and love. She has this for children who her book will contribute to but also a real empathy and understanding of the parent.
In my experience parents exploring alternative parenting often get caught in cycles of guilt, self blame and judgement for what has been or what they are unable to achieve - Leo seems to anticipate this and her wisdom is consistently expressed in forgiving, gentle tones throughout.
For those seasoned parents who have read many books in this field and are practicing unschooling, consensual living or connected parenting - then Leo's explanations might be familiar, perhaps even superficial at times. However that is a reasonable price to pay for covering so much ground so fast. That said, even the most seasoned and well read non coercive parent will no doubt find a few new gems and appreciate the straightforward style as Leo distills many concepts and ideas so simply.
For parents new to these topics Connection Parenting is more than an interesting read, it can be a plan for action and change. It is not necessarily going to convince parents to make change but is the perfect first step for those who are already asking questions and wanting change.
Quite simply if you are, or you know someone at the early stages of exploring alternatives to authoritarian, coercive or behaviourally focussed parenting then buying Connection Parenting is the best possible first step you can make.
Then there is the other world view. This alternative attempts to delve beyond a child's behaviour and focuses on who the child is, their intrinsic motivation and the importance or primacy of their relationship with the parent in that context.
This often involves understanding, meeting needs and connecting with a child. There are no quick fixes here, it is an approach based on non coercive, respectful and loving relationships. For practitioners of this parenting approach behaviour becomes another form of communication and expression, rather than something to be controlled or changed.
This world view also has its fair share of acronyms, books and techniques - often to the point where parents wanting to explore it will not know where to begin. Well at least that is one problem solved...
If you are indeed curious about and open to this alternative approach then Pam Leo's Connection Parenting represents a fantastic introduction, distillation and road map for your journey. (Pam Leo pictured right.)
The book is a product from Pam Leo's more than 55,000 hours of experience with children and stems from a Connection Parenting Course she initiated in 1982 entitled "Meeting the Needs of Children". The years spent developing, refining and simplifying her message pay off with a strong clarity and economy in her book, making it extremely readable.
For those brave enough you can interact and engage with it fully by answering questions and doing exercises. For others it can still become an excellent reference and summary of many key concepts in the field of non coercive parenting.
IT'S ABOUT YOU
Leo begins and ends the book with a confronting look at ourselves, the parents. The first chapter, "Connecting with Ourselves" examines our self perceived strengths and weaknesses as well as our own experience of being parented to assist in identifying our "parenting inheritance".
In this process Leo is constantly encouraging us to be compassionate and accepting of what has been. She creates a powerful balance between understanding and outing our baggage while focusing energy on where we wish to go from here. In fact she encourages us to generate a list of parenting goals which she refers to throughout the rest of the book.
The book ends with a chapter entitled "Connecting with Our Own Needs". Here she identifies that children's needs are best met when we acknowledge and meet our needs first. From small daily tips (eg. taking 10 minutes a day to nurture yourself) to developing resources, support structures and communities around yourself - its focus is providing the parent with the most powerful context and opportunity to connect with their child possible.
These two chapters frame the discussion - on one side connecting with ourselves and on the other connecting with our needs and in the process often with a broader support community. Within that framework the remaining five chapters explore practical approaches to connect with our child.
TREASURING CHILDREN
A basic premise of Connection Parenting is that "maintaining connection is the key to loving, effective parenting and to our children's optimal human development." Connection then becomes a prism through which Leo understands and explains many other parenting issues.
Leo launches the section on connection with children with a strong argument for greater respect of children. Her passion and ability to empathise with children shine through. Ultimately she suggests affording our children the same respect that we would give a friend. Rather than lecturing children Leo underlines the crucial role of modeling, as she says, "how we treat them is what we teach them."
In the chapters on Connecting through "Listening to Children's Feelings" and "through Communication that Builds Relationship", Leo manages to use and summarise key concepts from the likes of Aletha Solther's Aware Parenting, Marshall Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication and others.
Leo touches on the paradigm shift, that crying and "tantrums" are part of releasing emotions and a healing process that are healthy and important to support rather than trying to shut down. At the same time she outlines concrete examples of how to "listen with love and compassion". With all of these concepts Leo identifies common practices before suggesting and detailing "New Skills", including concrete examples.
Finally in the chapter on "Connection through the Discipline of Decoding Children's Behaviour" Leo outlines "behaviour as a communication of need". Again in a massive shift from behaviourally focused parenting approaches Leo argues that "children need love more when they appear to deserve it the least." She spells out specific steps parents can take in understanding and meeting their child's needs in the midst of heated situations.
A POWERFUL BOOK FOR POWERFUL CHANGE
There are countless practical strengths of Connection Parenting - its easy to read format; Leo's ability to introduce and offer practical examples of many concepts; the wealth of references and resources she provides; the prioritising of giving parents tangible tools and skills to make change.
However one of my favourite things about the book was Leo's obvious warmth, compassion and love. She has this for children who her book will contribute to but also a real empathy and understanding of the parent.
In my experience parents exploring alternative parenting often get caught in cycles of guilt, self blame and judgement for what has been or what they are unable to achieve - Leo seems to anticipate this and her wisdom is consistently expressed in forgiving, gentle tones throughout.
For those seasoned parents who have read many books in this field and are practicing unschooling, consensual living or connected parenting - then Leo's explanations might be familiar, perhaps even superficial at times. However that is a reasonable price to pay for covering so much ground so fast. That said, even the most seasoned and well read non coercive parent will no doubt find a few new gems and appreciate the straightforward style as Leo distills many concepts and ideas so simply.
For parents new to these topics Connection Parenting is more than an interesting read, it can be a plan for action and change. It is not necessarily going to convince parents to make change but is the perfect first step for those who are already asking questions and wanting change.
Quite simply if you are, or you know someone at the early stages of exploring alternatives to authoritarian, coercive or behaviourally focussed parenting then buying Connection Parenting is the best possible first step you can make.
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I am a mom of two energetic, strong-willed boys. I have read many parenting books, blogs and articles in search of solutions to the problem of how to "discipline" them without losing my temper and my sanity and without being a marshmallow parent. I love this book. A key phrase it contains is, "bad behavior is an expression of an unmet need." Ms. Leo explains to us that when kids "misbehave," they have actually gone beyond the breaking point and are asking for help with a desperate measure--because at age 3, 4, 5 or what have you they do not know how to articulate what is happening with them. We, as parents, need to decipher the behavior. Is it hunger? Rest? Are her or his feelings hurt from something that happened earlier in the day that was not resolved? This does not mean that the undesirable behavior is okay, and that we let it slide. It means that we find out what is going on through communication and get the kid back on track with communication and love and appropriate, calm, respectful treatment. As parents, we tend to tune into the cries and signals of newborns; however, as children get older we tend to focus on "discipline": time outs, loss of privileges, reprimands and recriminations more often than not doled out in a loud, authoritarian voice. After all, we're supposed to be in charge, right? Pam Leo shows us how to treat children with respect. To listen to them, and to gently set limits in an appropriate manner. Again, I love this book. I highly recommend it to parents of all children, particularly parents of young children going through the particularly difficult 2 to 5 stage.
22 of 26 people found the following review helpful
By katiespace
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I was excited to get this book because of the high reviews, but I turned out to be very dissatisfied.
I will admit, this book does give some food for thought which is why I gave it three rather than two stars.
However, the book is deeply grounded in idealism rather than realism. It gives you a goal, but no advice on how to practically put it into action.
At the heart is that if your kids are having behavior problems, it's because their needs aren't being fully met. There is sparse advice on activities to try to meet these needs.
There is also no reference to any research to support the ideas presented, and the book is written almost as though it was just a stream of consciousness rather than as something meant to be a professional guide.
I will admit, this book does give some food for thought which is why I gave it three rather than two stars.
However, the book is deeply grounded in idealism rather than realism. It gives you a goal, but no advice on how to practically put it into action.
At the heart is that if your kids are having behavior problems, it's because their needs aren't being fully met. There is sparse advice on activities to try to meet these needs.
There is also no reference to any research to support the ideas presented, and the book is written almost as though it was just a stream of consciousness rather than as something meant to be a professional guide.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great book
Would recommend for new parents and even veteran parents. A lot to be learned from through her experience and writings. Really like it! Definitely read it!
Published 1 month ago by Brianna Reed
5.0 out of 5 stars
Looked for a book that would be easy to understand and follow
Pam Leo writes so well - this book has literally changed my relationship with my children from the first chapter. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Nicole M. Pfannenstiel
5.0 out of 5 stars
One of the best
This book should be a mandatory read for anyone having children. It is focused on truly respecting our children, forgiving ourselves for our patterns, and working with it in a... Read more
Published 5 months ago by barbara bateman
2.0 out of 5 stars
Poorly edited and provides no footnotes
I wouldn't recommend this book to somebody newly interested in attachment parenting. It has some value for folks already well-versed in AP, but the author provides no evidence for... Read more
Published 12 months ago by Mom2two
5.0 out of 5 stars
Best Parenting book ever!
The title says it all "parenting through connection, intead of coercion, through love instead of fear". don't we all want that for our kids. Read more
Published 16 months ago by J. Lee
5.0 out of 5 stars
Connect instead of disconnect with children
Connection Parenting offers a compassionate read to parents and parents to be who know we could all be better parents. Read more
Published 18 months ago by Tina Brescanu
5.0 out of 5 stars
Reflective
I found this book to be very helpful for both myself and my husband as we try to transition from coercive parenting to connection parenting. I have read it again and again.
Published on March 7, 2011 by Shannan Frohlich
3.0 out of 5 stars
Need to have more than one person
I like the book so far, but I wished I had known you need to have more than one person to get the full affect.
Published on February 16, 2011 by Bloomingdale IL
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great Parenting Book
Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition
Read this book!! Read more
Read this book!! Read more
Published on August 2, 2010 by Cate
5.0 out of 5 stars
OMG, what a great book!!!
I have read many parenting and discipline books in the last couple of months to try to figure out what was the problem with my 7 year old daughter, who behaves perfectly at school... Read more
Published on April 1, 2010 by Margaret Wilcox
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