Customer Reviews

Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

There seem to be no bounds to clever and innovative ways of changing children's behaviour. Common approaches span anything from spanking, time outs, Magic 1, 2, 3, to positive discipline and offering rewards. The commonality of these "techniques" are that they begin with the aim of controling, manipulating or altering behaviour.

Then there is the other world view. This alternative attempts to delve beyond a child's behaviour and focuses on who the child is, their intrinsic motivation and the importance or primacy of their relationship with the parent in that context.

This often involves understanding, meeting needs and connecting with a child. There are no quick fixes here, it is an approach based on non coercive, respectful and loving relationships. For practitioners of this parenting approach behaviour becomes another form of communication and expression, rather than something to be controlled or changed.

This world view also has its fair share of acronyms, books and techniques - often to the point where parents wanting to explore it will not know where to begin. Well at least that is one problem solved...

If you are indeed curious about and open to this alternative approach then Pam Leo's Connection Parenting represents a fantastic introduction, distillation and road map for your journey. (Pam Leo pictured right.)

The book is a product from Pam Leo's more than 55,000 hours of experience with children and stems from a Connection Parenting Course she initiated in 1982 entitled "Meeting the Needs of Children". The years spent developing, refining and simplifying her message pay off with a strong clarity and economy in her book, making it extremely readable.

For those brave enough you can interact and engage with it fully by answering questions and doing exercises. For others it can still become an excellent reference and summary of many key concepts in the field of non coercive parenting.

IT'S ABOUT YOU

Leo begins and ends the book with a confronting look at ourselves, the parents. The first chapter, "Connecting with Ourselves" examines our self perceived strengths and weaknesses as well as our own experience of being parented to assist in identifying our "parenting inheritance".

In this process Leo is constantly encouraging us to be compassionate and accepting of what has been. She creates a powerful balance between understanding and outing our baggage while focusing energy on where we wish to go from here. In fact she encourages us to generate a list of parenting goals which she refers to throughout the rest of the book.

The book ends with a chapter entitled "Connecting with Our Own Needs". Here she identifies that children's needs are best met when we acknowledge and meet our needs first. From small daily tips (eg. taking 10 minutes a day to nurture yourself) to developing resources, support structures and communities around yourself - its focus is providing the parent with the most powerful context and opportunity to connect with their child possible.

These two chapters frame the discussion - on one side connecting with ourselves and on the other connecting with our needs and in the process often with a broader support community. Within that framework the remaining five chapters explore practical approaches to connect with our child.

TREASURING CHILDREN

A basic premise of Connection Parenting is that "maintaining connection is the key to loving, effective parenting and to our children's optimal human development." Connection then becomes a prism through which Leo understands and explains many other parenting issues.

Leo launches the section on connection with children with a strong argument for greater respect of children. Her passion and ability to empathise with children shine through. Ultimately she suggests affording our children the same respect that we would give a friend. Rather than lecturing children Leo underlines the crucial role of modeling, as she says, "how we treat them is what we teach them."

In the chapters on Connecting through "Listening to Children's Feelings" and "through Communication that Builds Relationship", Leo manages to use and summarise key concepts from the likes of Aletha Solther's Aware Parenting, Marshall Rosenburg's Non Violent Communication and others.

Leo touches on the paradigm shift, that crying and "tantrums" are part of releasing emotions and a healing process that are healthy and important to support rather than trying to shut down. At the same time she outlines concrete examples of how to "listen with love and compassion". With all of these concepts Leo identifies common practices before suggesting and detailing "New Skills", including concrete examples.

Finally in the chapter on "Connection through the Discipline of Decoding Children's Behaviour" Leo outlines "behaviour as a communication of need". Again in a massive shift from behaviourally focused parenting approaches Leo argues that "children need love more when they appear to deserve it the least." She spells out specific steps parents can take in understanding and meeting their child's needs in the midst of heated situations.

A POWERFUL BOOK FOR POWERFUL CHANGE

There are countless practical strengths of Connection Parenting - its easy to read format; Leo's ability to introduce and offer practical examples of many concepts; the wealth of references and resources she provides; the prioritising of giving parents tangible tools and skills to make change.

However one of my favourite things about the book was Leo's obvious warmth, compassion and love. She has this for children who her book will contribute to but also a real empathy and understanding of the parent.

In my experience parents exploring alternative parenting often get caught in cycles of guilt, self blame and judgement for what has been or what they are unable to achieve - Leo seems to anticipate this and her wisdom is consistently expressed in forgiving, gentle tones throughout.

For those seasoned parents who have read many books in this field and are practicing unschooling, consensual living or connected parenting - then Leo's explanations might be familiar, perhaps even superficial at times. However that is a reasonable price to pay for covering so much ground so fast. That said, even the most seasoned and well read non coercive parent will no doubt find a few new gems and appreciate the straightforward style as Leo distills many concepts and ideas so simply.

For parents new to these topics Connection Parenting is more than an interesting read, it can be a plan for action and change. It is not necessarily going to convince parents to make change but is the perfect first step for those who are already asking questions and wanting change.

Quite simply if you are, or you know someone at the early stages of exploring alternatives to authoritarian, coercive or behaviourally focussed parenting then buying Connection Parenting is the best possible first step you can make.

I was excited to get this book because of the high reviews, but I turned out to be very dissatisfied.

I will admit, this book does give some food for thought which is why I gave it three rather than two stars.

However, the book is deeply grounded in idealism rather than realism. It gives you a goal, but no advice on how to practically put it into action.

At the heart is that if your kids are having behavior problems, it's because their needs aren't being fully met. There is sparse advice on activities to try to meet these needs.

There is also no reference to any research to support the ideas presented, and the book is written almost as though it was just a stream of consciousness rather than as something meant to be a professional guide.

I am a mom of two energetic, strong-willed boys. I have read many parenting books, blogs and articles in search of solutions to the problem of how to "discipline" them without losing my temper and my sanity and without being a marshmallow parent. I love this book. A key phrase it contains is, "bad behavior is an expression of an unmet need." Ms. Leo explains to us that when kids "misbehave," they have actually gone beyond the breaking point and are asking for help with a desperate measure--because at age 3, 4, 5 or what have you they do not know how to articulate what is happening with them. We, as parents, need to decipher the behavior. Is it hunger? Rest? Are her or his feelings hurt from something that happened earlier in the day that was not resolved? This does not mean that the undesirable behavior is okay, and that we let it slide. It means that we find out what is going on through communication and get the kid back on track with communication and love and appropriate, calm, respectful treatment. As parents, we tend to tune into the cries and signals of newborns; however, as children get older we tend to focus on "discipline": time outs, loss of privileges, reprimands and recriminations more often than not doled out in a loud, authoritarian voice. After all, we're supposed to be in charge, right? Pam Leo shows us how to treat children with respect. To listen to them, and to gently set limits in an appropriate manner. Again, I love this book. I highly recommend it to parents of all children, particularly parents of young children going through the particularly difficult 2 to 5 stage.

I have two daughters; the elder is 3 and a half and the baby is 10 months old. After the birth of my second daughter, I started to notice more "attention-seeking" behavior from my older daughter. A friend recommended Pam's book, and actually got me enrolled in a teleseminar with Pam Leo through [...]

I was amazed, as I put the principles into practice, the immediate and LASTING changes that my daughter and I both experienced. As I learned new ways to relate to what she was feeling, she learned to trust me more. And as I learned more of the reasons behind some of her behaviors, I learned to trust her more.

Before reading this book, I probably spent about 75% of my time with my daughter yelling. I work 40 hours a week, so we don't get to see each other all day every day, either. The time we have together is so precious to me, but I was completely yelling it away, because of my own frustration at her lack of cooperation. I have learned new ways to respond, new ways to head off a lack of cooperation before it even starts. Now, my daughter looks for ways to help me before I even ask.

I recommend this book to every parent. It should be required reading before you have kids :)

This book was heaven sent and such a blessing. When my little girl turned 20 months everything seemed to fall apart - behaviour wise. My parenting skills were no longer working to keep her - and us - happy. This book was so easy and quick to read and all of sudden it all made sense. With a few simple and subtle changes to my parenting we were back on track and happier than ever. I was so impressed I ordered in mutliple copies to sell via my not for profit organisation - Future Families. I recommend it to every one that asks for 'help' or advice with guidance / discipline with children. Pam has truly captured the ease and joy of parenting more simply than any other author I have found. Without all the technical jargon, just easy steps of what to do and what not to do. I want to give my child a better (more loving, caring, joyful) childhood than I had. And now I know how. Hugs to Pam.

This book is excellent. It serves as a great intro the idea of connection parenting. Talks about "filling the emotional cup", listening with love, connecting through play, alternatives to saying don't, trouble with praise, decoding behavior issues, the idea of true parental discipline. There is even a nice chapter at the end about fill our own cup to ensure we have something to give. I really enjoyed Pam's writing style and even the font was good--it makes it easy to find stuff later for reference with the different subtitles. And, she doesn't just spend the book telling you what not to do and why. She gives you very concrete examples.

Example:
In her section about giving orders and control, she suggests
Instead of "Go brush your teeth."
Invitation: "Let's go brush our teeth."
Transistion information: "It's time for brushing our teeth."
And,
Instead of saying "good girl" or "good boy" which shows approval not encouragement, she says encourage by noticing, appreciating, and describing:
We say "You picked up your toys. Thank you for the help!"
Child hears: I am helpful.
We say "You swam all the way across the pool!"
Child hears: I am a good swimmer.

I feel like my next step is to read some of the books Pam recommends at the end of each chapter including, Playful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting--Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason. I believe some of these will go into more detail on specific aspects of this book. But, if you are going to read just one parenting book, this should be it! It covers it all with just enough detail to explain and provide alternatives! Excellent!!

I bought this book on the high recommendation from friends. Boy, was it worth it! I'm not a mom who is working with perfect, well-behaved children trying to hone my skills. I'm a frazzled, anxious mom with 2 children with special needs. Let me tell you, Connection Parenting WORKS!

I've been working on at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child per day (just one of MANY useful tips in this book). It is making a tremendous impact on both children, especially my son. He is much more cuddly and happy. The tips and tools in this book are really amazing. A parenting journal is just essential. It helps heal our past and change us to help our kids' needs.

I can't say enough. Go out and buy it! You WON'T regret it!

I have read many parenting and discipline books in the last couple of months to try to figure out what was the problem with my 7 year old daughter, who behaves perfectly at school but is difficult at home. This book was by far the best. After implementing Pam Leo's suggestions the relationship between my daughter and me improved dramatically! It was unbelievable. My daughter and I were totally disconnected and I could foresee only more trouble ahead as she got older until I read this book. Now, instead of fighting with me and being troublesome, my girl is telling me she loves me several times a day. I thank the person who lent me her copy. I will be buying a copy myself to keep on my bookshelf to refer to if I ever slip back into disconnecting behaviors. Thank you, Pam Leo!!!

Pam Leo offers parents an amazing insight into how our children work and how to help them more effectively. Prior to reading this book I often felt powerless in dealing with my 3 very young children (one who is especially "spirited"), but now I feel more like I know what they need and can help them through life in a positive way. I am spending much more time being with my girls instead of fighting with them. Pam has brought hope back to my parenting and I go to bed each night knowing that I was the best mom I could be. My 6 year old daughter (after only 2 weeks in Connection Parenting) wrote me a note that said, "I love you mommy. I just want to be myself. You can be yourself too." Yay! She can even see the difference and the messages that I am sending are being more readily recieved and understood. I will forever treasure the moments of true connection that Pam has gifted us with.

My two year old son just breezed through the transition from his crib to a bed. I have felt in my heart that this style of parenting is best but I don't feel there is much support for it in the parenting world at large. Despite feeling unsure, I pressed on, reading this book and a few others to bolster my resolve. My two-year old son is a joy and a delight. Well-behaved and trusting. What more could a parent ask for?

I have posted the same review for three books because I'm a busy, working mom but wanted to share my support and gratitude.