Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment [Paperback]

Gay Hendricks (Author), Kathlyn Hendricks (Author)

Book Description

Release date: January 1, 1992

Here is a powerful new program that can clear  away the unconscious agreements patterns that  undermine even your best intentions. Through their own  marriage and through twenty years' experience  counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists  Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise  strategies to help you create a vital partnership  and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of  each individual. You will learn how to: Let go  of power struggles and need for control; Balance  needs for closeness and separateness; Increase  intimacy by telling the "microscopic truth";  Communicate in a positive way that stops  arguments; Make agreements you can keep; Allow more  pleasure into your life. Addressed to individuals as  well as to couples, Conscious Loving  will heal old hurts and deepen your capacity for  enjoyment, security, and enduing love.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"I  consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers. I  encourage you to buy this book and use it to the  hilt."-John Bradshaw.

"Gay and  Kathlyn's book offers invaluable insights into the  real workings of making a lasting, breakthrough  commitment."--Bonnie Raitt, singer-songwriter

From the Publisher

"Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual. You will learn how to: Let go of power struggles and need for control; Balance needs for closeness and separateness; Increase intimacy by telling the "microscopic truth"; Communicate in a positive way that stops arguments; Make agreements you can keep; Allow more pleasure into your life. Addressed to individuals as well as to couples, Conscious Loving will heal old hurts and deepen your capacity for enjoyment, security, and enduing love. "I consider Gay and Kathlyn to be my teachers. I encourage you to buy this book and use it to the hilt."-John Bradshaw.

"Gay and Kathlyn's book offers invaluable insights into the real workings of making a lasting, breakthrough commitment."--Bonnie Raitt, singer-songwriter

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 304 pages
• Publisher: Bantam; Reprint edition (January 1, 1992)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0553354116
• ISBN-13: 978-0553354119
• Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.7 x 8.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (58 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8,410 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #18 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Mental Health > Codependency
  • #61 in Books > Self-Help > Sex
  • #95 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Marriage

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

60 of 61 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome relationship handbook for modern times! January 7, 2007

By Patrick D. Goonan

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This books is an incredible resource for modern couples who wish to establish and maintain a meaningful relationship. It is not filled with pop psychology "quick fix" solutions, but pragmatic advice that nurtures equality, respect, love and co-creation of a beautiful context for relationship.

Three of the main premises of this book is the observation that successful couples tend to: 1) Feel all of their feelings; 2) Speak all of their truth; and 3) Honor all of their agreements. This is a simple formula, but as a psychology professional who talks to a lot of people I have found it to be effective, but difficult for many people in practice. Nonetheless, I agree with the authors that a healthy relationship is impossible without this foundation and I think the authors are correct to stress these points.

I also like the discussion on withholding (lying by omission) and how this leads to eventual withdrawal and projection. This is not something most people like to look at, but a lot of problems are created by resentment that flows from unexpressed feelings and needs. This often gets unconsciously projected onto the partner or others and ultimately undermines the relationship. I give the author's credit for facing this dynamic squarely.

The next section of the book talks about the nine traps of unconscious loving. This basically points out commonly occurring patterns in relationships that result from unconscious projection or being run by our internalized psychological scripts from childhood. It is useful because it will help you to identify unhealthy patterns in your relationship that may be unconscious. The invitation here is to uncover and examine dysfunctional beliefs that may be running you without your awareness.

The section after the one above is called the seven steps to co-commitment. This outlines a practical approach to creating a great relationship together where no one is disempowered, co-dependent or acting from addiction. This section includes the three premises I mentioned at the beginning of my review and others such as learning to love yourself, claiming creativity, learning to live in a space of continuous positive energy, etc.

The next sections of the book cover conflict resolution, positive communication and how to keep your past from intruding on your present. This book also contains useful activities and exercises that help you to practice and eventaully embody the skills that are discussed.

This is a wonderful book for any couple. I recommend it very highly!

57 of 61 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Wake Up and Be Accountable October 13, 2005

By Zinta Aistars

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

No, nothing new. Which is precisely what makes this so good. This is the stuff of time-tested common sense, the stuff of that inner voice of wisdom, the one that is always trying to steer you in the right direction, even as you kick and scream and resist, intent on remaining on the old path of repeated and repeated and repeated cycles. We repeat them until we learn the lesson. Resolve the dilemma. Solve the puzzle.

If the Hendricks message is to be boiled down to one catch-phrase, it would simply be: "wake up." It is not so much about change, as it is about living with our eyes open, fully aware (conscious) of why we do what we do, how we feel while we are doing it, and which way we will go next. Instead of moving through a fog, we instead make conscious choices.

If we can add one concept to that catch-phrase, it would be the concept of accountability. Relationships, and not just romantic ones, tend to bog down most when we get busy issuing blame and pointing fingers. Hendricks proposes that we are all, each and every one of us, to be held accountable for our own lives. No victims, no martyrs. And co-dependents, out with you. A satisfying relationship is one that takes place between two people who make a 100 percent (each) commitment (nothing less will do or failure has room to enter) to themselves and to each other. It begins with a promise to be authentic to ourselves and to always tell what Hendricks calls "the microscopic truth." Our lives are what we make them. And if we don't like our lives, well, it is up to each of us to make the necessary changes. We must be honest with ourselves above all, but we must respect our mates with utmost honesty as well. It is the only solid building block that holds up a strong and satisfying relationship.

One might balk at the wrongs done us, and oh the pity parties we do enjoy, when we are lied to and cheated on and our backs wear the footprints of others. But consider how far one gets in improving that situation when busy whining "I'm a victim! poor sap me!" and when one instead takes a moment to consider: how did I manifest this? How have I taught others to treat me? Have I made my personal boundaries clear? Have I offered and insisted upon honesty? Have I rescued my mate from the natural outcome of his or her bad behavior, thus robbing them of a learning experience? Have I been true to myself and expressed how I feel? It is not about letting our mates off the hook for bad behavior; that's dishonest, too. We hold our partners fully accountable, too. But it is a realization that we are not merely innocent bystanders in the soap operas of our lives. The sooner we understand our own part in the drama, the sooner we can enjoy true intimacy and equality with a mate we value and who values us.

I read this Hendricks' book as I recently read "Conscious Living" -- with relish. I like the idea of being accountable for my life; it keeps the reins for my happiness in my own hands, after all. And there is so much more to see and enjoy when I make a decision to live my life with eyes wide open. My beloved is sharing this book with me. We are each reading it with a highlighter in hand, noting what resonates. Much has been learned already. I look forward to what new levels we might reach in this most basic if not highest human longing -- to walk shoulder to shoulder with our best life friend, empowering ourselves and each other to be the best we can be.

29 of 32 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars "Conscious Loving" a gift for all our relationships February 10, 2000

By Randy Dillon

Format:Paperback

I have read and re-read this book and have found it to be the best book on building & healing relationship I have seen. Clearly distinguishes the subtle ways we sabatoge our relationships, then sets forth a clear new paradigm of being conscious creators with powerfully concieved steps and commitments, and excellent exercises for transforming oneself and others from victim to creator inside close relationships. Well organized, Conscious Loving is a stand-out contribution. Just the simple step of constantly "Claiming Creativity" has made a huge difference in my relationships.