Customer Reviews

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

5 star:		(49)
4 star:		(13)
3 star:		(12)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(13)

 

 

Patrician Evans has developed a wonderful and plausible theory as to why certain people are compelled to control others.

All people have four internal functions available to them to use as internal guidance: their ability to think, their emotions, their physical sensations and their intuition.

Controlling people (CPs) have suffered some kind of emotional or physical trauma as children or adults that has caused them, as a defense, to shut down one or more of the first three functions. Oftentimes, the only function they use is their thinking function. This leaves them feeling empty inside. And it's a tough way to live.

For this reason, they are attracted to "four functioning" people. Once they feel secure with another person, they project their idea of a perfect person into the other person. The don't see the person for who she/he really is.

People can tell when they're in the presence of a CP because they will be defined by the CP (for example, "you're not hungry!") as if the CP can know another person's internal reality. They will not be listened to, the conversation will frequently make no sense and the CP will most likely be verbally abusive.

CPs see others much as children see their teddy bears: the perfect friend who knows exactly what the CP is thinking, who never talks backs or disagrees and who has no separate needs of their own.

CPs build their sense of sense of self from the outside in--not the inside out as is normal. Their personalities are constructs created by themselves to win the love and admiration they seek. They don't come from a place of deep authenticity. They have no sense of themselves. They need to anchor inside another person. Without that anchor in another, they feel lost and adrift, almost as if they are going to die. That's why the compulsion to control is so strong. That's why their reaction to someone who disagrees with them, or who in anyway doesn't fulfill the teddy bear role, can be so extreme and viscious.

The horrible irony for the CP is that their behavior pushes away the love and connection they so desperately need.

The horrible reality for victims of CPs is that they blame themselves, think they are crazy, constantly try to explain themselves to no avail, and think that if they just try harder, all will be well. But it never is.

There's one downside to this book. Ms. Evans spends hundreds of pages, in a lovely, unique writing style, explaining and supporting her theory of why people, and whole groups, are controlling. But she gives only one piece of advice for dealing with a CP, which is to say, "What?" every time they make one of their nonsensical statements or try to define another. I wish she had spent more time on strategies for dealing with CPs. Just saying "what" seems inadequate.

As a psychotherapist in San Francisco, I am delighted to recommend this book to my clients. Evans has a gift for presenting profound insights in a simple and clear manner that everyone can both understand and employ. As in her other two books ("The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out"), she identifies and explains a problem that is right under our noses. Evans helps the reader learn how to break free from someone who is pretending to know how he/she thinks and feels. And, rather than demonizing controllers, she explains with compassion their desparate need to connect and to experience closeness. It is quite possible that at least some people who try to control us are simply unskilled in how to connect in which case this book is a powerful educational tool. And, in helping one escape the backward connecting attempts of controllers, the book guides controllers with deeper psychological problems toward getting the professional help they need. In either case, Evans encourages us to insist on being seen authentically, i.e. as one reveals him/herself to another, not as the "pretend self" controllers try to impose on us. This book is for anyone who wants to live with their eyes open. As in her other writings, Evans has given us a book about clarity and freedom.

Clarity!

This book is awesome. It offers understanding where no one else does. I truly believe it is new groundbreaking insight into the world of the Controlling Person. I say this with confidence because I, like the reviewer "Alliasus" here, have also read stacks and stacks of psychology and self help books in all-out effort to understand my Controlling Person husband of 18 years.

En route, I gained lots of helpful insight, but, NO insight, at all, as to why he is the way he is. On this basis I can say I don't believe this information existed until Patricia Evans wrote this book. I think this is all-new insight, and counselors and lay people alike really need to read it!

I think when people begin to discover this book there will be no stopping it. Because there are legion of us out here who live in relationships that make no sense. Our partners act awful and senselessly, but yet, we know in our hearts they are not evil at heart, and our hope in humankind says there must be some sense to this? Well, there is. Patricia Evans finally makes sense of it in this book.

What a relief, to have the pressing mystery solved. When you are a woman and this is your marriage, the mystery rather takes over your whole life. It is a major epiphany to finally get the light of understanding. Therefore, I understand exactly why yet another well-read reviewer here says that this book is second only to the Bible. I know just what she means. The Bible is the most important book in my life too. I know I will always have this book (Controlling People) right up there on my list of most important books I have ever read in my life. Bible-Lovers: this doesn't mean Patricia Evans has Bible quotes in here. There are none. But, she speaks truth in this book, and you will recognize truth when you see it.

What a disservice the editorial reviewer, Susan E. Burdick, has done here at the top of this review page - telling librarians through the Library Review magazine that this book belongs in the hands of lay counselors. No way, Ms. Burdick! As the readers here attest, this is Every Person's book. Evans writes extremely clearly, and her unique style is absolutely engaging. Ms. Burdick makes quite a pressumption, an ignorant one, when she says "lay readers who feel controlled will find this a hard read." On the contrary, those of us involved in controlling relationships will not be able to put this book down, and will want to start back in the beginning and read it a 2nd and 3rd time.

I shudder to think what kind of impact Burdick's review might have. Will her influence discourage some librarians from ordering this book, keeping it out of the hands of the many persons in every town, no matter how small, who need this book? What a shame. I hope another Editorial Reviewer will review this. I do not expect Burdick to get a second on this one.

So many books on "verbal abuse" (including some of Evans' previous works) attempt to instruct their readers in the fine art of defensive verbal comebacks, one-liners and linguistic turnarounds on the assumption that what is said is what's happening, and if only a person can formulate an effective reply, that person can defend him- or herself from verbal attacks.

But while some of these books remain useful, they ultimately failed in their attempts precisely because the initial assumption was wrong. The essence of verbal abuse is not in the words, or even in how they are said, but in the intention to control.

Controlling verbal behaviors often do not fit any previous definitions of "verbal abuse". "Have a nice day," for example, can be an attempt at control, depending on its context and intention. (For a stark example, see the case of Beth Friedman's accuser in the "Betrayal of Trust" episode of "The System" on CourtTV, 2003.)

The differentiation of controlling behaviors from old concepts of verbal abuse is the central insight, theme and focus of "Controlling People" -- an ironic double-entendre. It is, as well, a major step forward in the literature on this subject.

Evens' analysis of how controllers get to be that way is at once non-comprehensive and brilliant. It's non-comprehensive in the sense that there are surely other scenarios that could produce the same pattern of behaviors she describes. It's brilliant, however, in its near NLP-style modeling of one developmental scenario in which a person can get his/her identity with regard to the relationship of self and other reversed, projected, re-perceived, then responded to (by the same identity) as if from the outside-in, effectively ending all possibility of genuine relationship and communication with an 'other' person.

Confusing? It can be. But Evans does a beautiful job of dispelling the confusion.

She goes on to describe a number of ways a person can detect controlling behaviors early on by recognizing "backwards approaches" signaling outside-in built identity structures -- long before overt "verbal abuse" patterns emerge (but which predictably will).

Her exploration of this patterning is of immense value to persons wishing to avoid getting personally involved with controllers who, at the beginning, seem to be nothing but charming, perceptive and sweet. Initial attempts at control often start in the first interaction. If recognized, a great deal of trouble and grief down the line can be missed in favor of developing healthier, happier relationships.

Catching on to this "backwards approach" can be a bit of a trick, particularly if you are using it, yourself. This book isn't very good, as I believe no mere book can be, at resolving developmental identity issues in the reader. For that, NLP or psychotherapy can be more helpful. But once you catch on to recognizing such patterns in others, many of them start to look obvious.

I wouldn't recommend this as the only book to own on this subject. But I'd recommend it as the best, to date. Good companion books are: Toxic People (Lilian Glass), In Sheep's Clothing (George Simon), The Verbally Abusive Relationship (Patricia Evans), Aikido in Everyday Life (Dobson/Miller), The Gift of Fear (Gavin De Becker), and Cinderella and Her Sisters (Ann and Barry Ulanov).

In the famed "Velveteen Rabbit", the child's stuffed animal is loved so much that it comes to life. In some relationships because of control, the opposite happens. The real person is reduced to feeling like a mere stuffed animal, without life. Thanks to Patricia Evans, there is now a clear roadmap for relationships, leading to renewed life for each individual as well as the relationship.
Patricia innately captures mysterious communication problems and gives understanding to people who've been struggling for answers. Her work is unique. One will not get this information from counselors or other books. The treasure contained in this book has been life-changing and life-giving to me. This is an excellent book for every person. It is extremely practial and easy to read and understand. Don't wait a day to get your own copy.

I found this book to be helpful in communicating with one who tends to attempt to understand and define me by telling me what I am experiencing. By identfying this specific behaviour, among others in her book, Patricia Evans assists readers in themselves becoming more aware of the tendencys of controlling people so that one can be more effective in responding to such innapropriate behavior at the moment it occurs. While she does lack detailed explaination of HOW to respond to controllers, I think that her very identification of what behaviours ARE controlling alone is immensely valuable. I found that her book is a tool which provided the language and coherence to previously undefinable FEELINGS about what was occuring to me. Experiences with a controller are now much clearer, and rather than realize what happened AFTER the fact, it is easier to prevent being contolled in the moment one attempts to understand me and their world through inappropriate methods of controlling me. Those experience can now be more effectively talked about in a LOGICAL thoughtful manner to those who need to hear about them- controllers themselves. As an example, it is now much easier to point out "What you are doing is telling me what I am experiencing-- and that's just not appropriate" rather than try to argue about any particular opinions or statements of another. It is very effective to emphazize "This is MY experience" Even a controller will recognize that they can't tell another what is being experienced, and once this is pointed out they will gain a better perspective of BOTH themself and one they have attempted to define. That re-framing and re-focusing the situation to one of a clearer perspective is immensely helpful. A primary problem with controlling people is often that they tend to lack the empathy and awareness of other's feelings, and in their self absorption of THOUGHT and rational being, they rationalize and then TELL others how things SHOULD be, or how things ARE from their perspective alone. Patricia Evan's book offers valuable insight in understanding the world from the eyes of one who is controlling, whether intentional or not! This understanding alone is valuable in dealing with controlling people.

I am a mature student of social anthropology, currently on fieldwork in Australia. I observed the phenomenon in the field, wrote 'controlling people' in a search machine, and that is how I found the book. I read it in one go. The insights are just amazing.

Psychology is my long-standing interest, and I have read both professional and popular books on different subjects. This is one of the most impressive works I have come across. Free from the professional jargon - brave choice on the part of author - the principles and the insights are described extraordinarily well. The explanatory power of this book is astonishing. I really wonder what methods did the author use to reach her insights.

A week after I read the book, in the field, I was approached by a scary person who staged a controlling attack at me. He was a true bully. I was pretty scared, but thanks to having read this book so recently, I managed to recognise the behaviour and defend myself. Not as if I could not have defended myself otherwise. Only now I used a fragment of time I would have used before to understand what is going on, and I could understand the strategies as the person was using them, and respond appropriately. He did get very angry because he could not control me, and tried all kinds of strategies for an hour, but in the end I just walked away.

I admire the author's ability to describe and demystify the controlling people in such a calm manner. She explains how people become controlling without judging them for it. This does not mean that they cannot be dangerous, or that we have to accept their behaviour; to the contrary. But she gives an explanation, not the judgement; this is important distinction. This means that the book is meant as a self-help book for both the controlling people capable of recognising the behaviour in themselves, and their victims. It also has broader implications for all studies of human behaviour. I will certainly re-read it, and reflect on it more.

This is a very important book for everyone to read as it not only may be the best book on controlling people but it also goes to the heart of how people try to define others. She points out how invisible defining others can be. She explains the disrespect and abuse of others when we tell them who they are and what they think (as if we are the authorities on their inner experience)and require them to match a perfect idea of how we think the world should be.
I'd be very surprised if most people don't have some of these habits or assumptions at least to some extent.
It points to how it really is time for us all to relate to others as they ARE in reality rather than as we would have them be.
It is easy reading and accessible for controllers to read too- if they arent so closed off and realise they control to their disadvantage.
It doesn't carry the same strong title of her former book 'Verbally abusive relationships' (which, while accurate as a title, may put off controllers from reading it- or controlled women may not want to be seen reading it by abusive or controlling partners).
Patricia doesnt go into as much detail about styles of verbal abuse as in that former book but her explanation about understanding why people do this is hugely easier to read and clearer. Ideally both books should be read as they cover different territory.
I am a psychologist who has been recommending this to both controlled (or verbally abused people) - or the controllers who are open to change.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

The concepts in this book may give you some insight as to WHY a person exhibits controlling behavior. However, I agree with another reviewer who thinks that the suggested response may escalate the problem.
Just last night, my "controlling" sister and I entered into yet another hurtful conversation. I finally had the presence of mind (and courage) to try the "what?" tack.
Well, it stopped things. However, there was really nowhere to go from there. She escalated her attack and I was left with one option...to continue to say "what?" I finally tried "nonsense". Sure, it did throw a big monkey wrench into the conversation but I'm not exactly sure why. Finally,, my ever abusive sister came up with "oh, this is a convenient way to avoid a REAL conversation". I had to just walk away. Nothing was happening. Maybe that's a good thing. Who knows.
Beware: an abuser will always up the ante. I have as yet to find a really effective way to stop this abuse. The experiment last night was interesting. I have to admit that as I was waiting for her next jab, having the "what?" as my defense was somewhat of a "shield", but I don't think it really DID anything. I shant try it again because it feels unsafe...that if I do it again, she my rage at me and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

Some books are good, others are great, and then there are those that change lives. Patricia Evan's latest book, Controlling People, will change lives. In her first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans pulled back the curtain on the "Wizard" of verbal abuse, to reveal varying realities and control techniques existing in verbally abusive relationships. In Controlling People, Patricia Evans takes us on a journey through the "Wizard's" inner workings, in what can best be described as an unprecedented comprehensive analysis of controlling behaviors in verbally abusive relationships.
Facing the ominous task of revealing one of our cultures long-ignored social taboos, Controlling People, as the title suggests, takes its reader on a step-by-step analysis of how we can recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control us. In doing so, Patricia Evans continues to offer validation, strength, and hope to those who have suffered in verbally abusive relationships. Controlling People not only reveals these behaviors for what they really are, but then goes further in analyzing, and providing a conceptual vocabulary that makes it possible to discuss, address, understand, and deal with controlling behaviors. The Verbally Abusive Relationship introduced us to new concepts and vocabulary in a world of dysfunctional interpersonal communication which was relatively uncharted. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans introduced us to Reality I, and Reality II, perspectives, as well as signs to help us identify verbally abusive relationships. The articulation and establishment of these concepts and vocabulary made possible, for the first time, a meaningful dialogue on verbally abusive relationships.
Controlling People takes it to the next level by introducing us to more details and sophisticated concepts - Disconnections and Backwards Connections; The Pretend Person and Giving up the Anchor of Pretend Person; Silencing Separateness; The Spell, The Spellbound, and The Spell Breakers; Confabulation and Clarity - Concepts which will continue to revolutionize continuing dialogue in the realm of verbally abusive relationships and associated controlling behaviors.
Written in a manner which can be easily followed and clearly understood by both layperson and professional, Controlling People presents an honest, straight-forward and hard-hitting look at verbal abuse related behaviors. Whether the reader is victim, or abuser, this book will not let you escape the truth.