Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children [Paperback]

Grace Lebow (Author), Barbara Kane (Author), Irwin Lebow (Contributor)

Book Description

Release date: February 1, 1999

Do You Have
An Aging Parent Who --

• Blames you for everything that goes wrong?
• Cannot tolerate being alone, wants you all the time?
• Is obsessed with health problems, real, or imagined?
• Make unreasonable and/or irrational demands of you?
• Is hostile, negative and critical?

Coping with these traits in parents is an endless high-stress battle for their children. Though there's no medical defination for "difficult" parents, you know when you have one. While it's rare for adults to change their ways late in life, you can stop the vicious merry-go-round of anger, blame, guilt and frustration.

For the first time, here's a common-sense guide from professionals, with more than two decades in the field, on how to smooth communications with a challenging parent. Filled with practical tips for handling contentious behaviors and sample dialogues for some of the most troubling situations, this book addresses many hard issues, including:

How to tell your parent he or she cannot live with you.

How to avoid the cycle of nagging and recriminations

How to prevent your parent's negativity from overwhelming you.

How to deal with an impaired parent who refuses to stop driving.

How to asses the risk factors in deciding whether a parent is still able to live alone.

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 edition (February 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 038079750X
• ISBN-13: 978-0380797509
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (78 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #17,418 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #4 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Aging Parents
  • #18 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Parent & Adult Child
  • #55 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Aging

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane, the co-founders of Aging Network Services of Bethesda, Maryland, are clinical social workers and care managers, specializing in older people and their families. They created a nationwide network of similar professionals to work with geographically separated families. This is their first book.

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; 1 edition (February 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 038079750X
• ISBN-13: 978-0380797509
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (78 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #17,418 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #4 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Aging Parents
  • #18 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Parent & Adult Child
  • #55 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Aging

More About the Author

Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane are both clinical social workers. In 1982 they established Aging Network Services (http://www.agingnets.com), a social work care management and counseling agency dedicated to helping older people and their families. Grace is now co-director emerita; Barbara remains as director.

It did not take long for us to recognize that well over half the adult children who came to see us for counseling were in a state of stress over their "difficult parents." They used the word "difficult," not so much because of the physical burden of caring for parents in a state of decline, but because of the emotional drain of trying to help parents who were hard to help. In many instances the adult child had distanced himself from his parents either geographically or emotionally. But now that the parent was suffering from the ravages of old age, the child could no longer escape. In the intervening years we have helped thousands of such clients with their difficult parents.

Grace also gained the perspective of a family of a difficult parent when she and her husband Irwin, an engineer/physicist who had written several technical books, took care of his mother in her later years. Indeed it was this experience that gave us the idea of writing a book that would share our experience with a much larger group of people. We tried out our ideas on professional colleagues as well as on laymen and received the universally enthusiastic response that a book like this was sorely needed.

Grace is a graduate of Boston School of Occupational Therapy, Tufts University and a 1972 graduate of Simmons College School of Social Work. Barbara is a graduate of Boston University School of Social Work and has degree in Public Health from Pittsburg University.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

222 of 224 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Practical Pointers for Problem Parents November 29, 2002

By David R. Bess VINE™ VOICE

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I have read several books and articles on the subject of children providing care for their ailing parents. This book is the first I have read that addresses the challenges of the interpersonal relationship between a grown child and an emotionally-draining parent. All the other books have dealt with the physical ailments of aging, or the individual challenge of being a caregiver.

The authors address several different types of interaction between a grown child and parent that are common today. Any reader frustrated with a difficult parent will find some area of this volume to which he can relate. The authors are quick to emphasize that since parents can't be made to change, the only hope for improving the relational situation is in changing as grown children.

Role-playing is frequently used to illustrate "before" behavior, then to illustrate "after" behavior as a result of using the specific principle suggested. The authors also encourage developing a mental strategy that plans ahead for confrontational situations. By identifying certain phrases and comments that trigger stress, the grown child can redirect the conversation and move it in a healthier direction for both parties.

This book does not address responding to serious diseases with parents, the decision of a nursing home, or major financial frustrations. It does deal with the constant irritation that can and often does develop between an aging parent and a grown child. I recommend it highly to all persons who are dealing with the stress resulting from interacting with a difficult, older parent.

146 of 147 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Small Book Worth Its Weight In Gold December 25, 2005

By S. N. D.

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This book fills a gap in eldercare literature in a very unique manner. The subject is a touchy one: parents who have suffered with lifelong personality disorders whose problems have been exacerbated by aging. Often they have driven the very children on whom they depend away from them and now need their care. A person in the unenviable position of being a caregiver for such a parent is often uncomfortable even sharing what they are enduring with other people, for fear of looking as though they hate or are slandering their parent("How could their mother possibly be that bad?"). Navigating ordinary eldercare issues is challenging enough without deeply rooted personality disorders complicating matters and emotions.

My own mother suffers from what I now know to be narcissistic personality disorder. She was so fearful from physical and psychological abuse doled out by her own mother, that she clung to both her brother,and myself, her only surviving relatives. Her marriage broke up, and she ended up living with and being supported by her brother. She was fearful that I would marry, or get friends, and any friendship I formed was viewed as a personal affront, and she would let me know that it was her or them--- choose one. If that didn't work she would do something calculatedly embarrassing enough that the friendship was ruined.She worked for only ten years of her life, and never planned for retirement, stating "My girl will always take care of me!" I did take care of her, because I was afraid something bad would happen, her brother had passed away, and she would be totally alone. Finally at age 89, her legs gave out and she had become totally demented---on top of the personality disorder. The hospital staff admitted her to a nursing home.... I was still concerned for her, but almost guilty that finally, at age 54, I was relieved to be free to live my own life.

This book just helped me survive Christmas. I am sitting here without a knot in my stomach because I read it from cover to cover right after I received it. I wanted her holidays to feel as much like home as possible, and as I had done for Thanksgiving, I prepared meals for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When I walked in yesterday afternoon, carrying a huge styrofoam container of food to be microwaved and a decorated live Christmas tree, I heard her ripping me apart to the other residents to "never visiting" and stating that I was a "no good bum!" I would have been angry, hurt, devastated before reading this, but handled it very calmly. As I had promised the staff I came back for Christmas. Today I was a wonderful daughter....She also had no recollection of the fact that I'd even visited yesterday.

For anyone going through a similar experience, the book had covered all the the things that I mentioned above, and more, and I highly recommend it. I'm just surprised my mother's picture isn't on the cover... Read more ›

129 of 131 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars This book is a godsend of practical insight and advice. April 6, 1999

By [e-mail]

Format:Paperback

I have been hoping to find a book like this for the past two years. During that time, my three adult siblings and I have struggled with sick elderly parents and their painful, chaotic slide from independent living. There are many books on the needs/problems of the elderly, but this book is unique in that it is written from the perspective of the burned-out offspring trying to give aid and comfort--and it tells how NOT to feel like a guilty failure in the light of your parents' problems. In every chapter there are many practical insights and examples for understanding where your parent is coming from and for providing enlightened support and compassion--without continually sacrificing your own needs. There's a whole chapter on dependent behavior, one on negativity, another on fearfulness, including ways to handle them (and ways NOT to). I bought 5 copies of this book and sent them not only to my brothers and sister, but to two friends who are having trouble trying to help sick, depressed elderly parents. This is a handbook for that. I'd give it 10 stars if I could.

40 of 40 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars At last--the book I've been searching for! January 11, 2000

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

An enormous "thank you" to the authors. This book reads like they were running a video camera on my life. Finally, helpful, experienced, =sane= commentary for those of us who struggle with difficult aging parents. This book addresses an important family issue that is usually ignored by other books on aging and caregiving. I'm ordering three more copies for relatives and friends.

52 of 54 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars excellent guide based on sound theories of human behavior February 21, 1999

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

This book applies sound theories of human behavior to the relationship issues between generations. The relationship between the older, difficult parent and the grownchild is fraught with potential for unhappy, even dangerous living conditions. This book clears the air. The authors advise refocusing on the relationship between parent and grownchild rather than indulging in anger, guilt or other unproductive emotions toward the parent. The elderly parent may not be amenable to change. But the relationship can change if the grownchild becomes aware of, and is willing to change his/her part in maintaining a fruitless pattern. Thus the relationship can be molded to a more satisfactory shape by an insightful reader who modifies his response to his parent following the suggestions in the book. The reader freed from patterns that may date back to early childhood is in control of how this cornerstone relationship with parents is conducted. The explicit suggestions in this book show how to do this - how to set boundaries, depersonalize, empathize and above all to understand the parent's behavior rather than react to it. Such change can affect not only the elderly parent/grown child relationship, but other relationships in the grown child's life as well.

Thus, this book suggests the difficult, but necessary, basic changes that can improve our emotional health. Some may need a professional companion to help them apply the principles of the book. The book, however, may be enough for many intelligent readers puzzled by the problems their elderly parents present. The suggestions are concrete, backed up by good case examples and specific to a clientele with which the authors are very familiar.... It is a must read for anyone trying to cope with any difficulties the older parent presents, or even anyone hoping not to become a difficult parent. It is also a must read for eldercare professionals who need understanding and practical tips for the problems of this ever increasing population. Read more ›