Customer Reviews

Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children

5 star:		(34)
4 star:		(13)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I have read several books and articles on the subject of children providing care for their ailing parents. This book is the first I have read that addresses the challenges of the interpersonal relationship between a grown child and an emotionally-draining parent. All the other books have dealt with the physical ailments of aging, or the individual challenge of being a caregiver.

The authors address several different types of interaction between a grown child and parent that are common today. Any reader frustrated with a difficult parent will find some area of this volume to which he can relate. The authors are quick to emphasize that since parents can't be made to change, the only hope for improving the relational situation is in changing as grown children.

Role-playing is frequently used to illustrate "before" behavior, then to illustrate "after" behavior as a result of using the specific principle suggested. The authors also encourage developing a mental strategy that plans ahead for confrontational situations. By identifying certain phrases and comments that trigger stress, the grown child can redirect the conversation and move it in a healthier direction for both parties.

This book does not address responding to serious diseases with parents, the decision of a nursing home, or major financial frustrations. It does deal with the constant irritation that can and often does develop between an aging parent and a grown child. I recommend it highly to all persons who are dealing with the stress resulting from interacting with a difficult, older parent.

This book fills a gap in eldercare literature in a very unique manner. The subject is a touchy one: parents who have suffered with lifelong personality disorders whose problems have been exacerbated by aging. Often they have driven the very children on whom they depend away from them and now need their care. A person in the unenviable position of being a caregiver for such a parent is often uncomfortable even sharing what they are enduring with other people, for fear of looking as though they hate or are slandering their parent("How could their mother possibly be that bad?"). Navigating ordinary eldercare issues is challenging enough without deeply rooted personality disorders complicating matters and emotions.

My own mother suffers from what I now know to be narcissistic personality disorder. She was so fearful from physical and psychological abuse doled out by her own mother, that she clung to both her brother,and myself, her only surviving relatives. Her marriage broke up, and she ended up living with and being supported by her brother. She was fearful that I would marry, or get friends, and any friendship I formed was viewed as a personal affront, and she would let me know that it was her or them--- choose one. If that didn't work she would do something calculatedly embarrassing enough that the friendship was ruined.She worked for only ten years of her life, and never planned for retirement, stating "My girl will always take care of me!" I did take care of her, because I was afraid something bad would happen, her brother had passed away, and she would be totally alone. Finally at age 89, her legs gave out and she had become totally demented---on top of the personality disorder. The hospital staff admitted her to a nursing home. I was still concerned for her, but almost guilty that finally, at age 54, I was relieved to be free to live my own life.

This book just helped me survive Christmas. I am sitting here without a knot in my stomach because I read it from cover to cover right after I received it. I wanted her holidays to feel as much like home as possible, and as I had done for Thanksgiving, I prepared meals for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When I walked in yesterday afternoon, carrying a huge styrofoam container of food to be microwaved and a decorated live Christmas tree, I heard her ripping me apart to the other residents to "never visiting" and stating that I was a "no good bum!" I would have been angry, hurt, devastated before reading this, but handled it very calmly. As I had promised the staff I came back for Christmas. Today I was a wonderful daughter....She also had no recollection of the fact that I'd even visited yesterday.

For anyone going through a similar experience, the book had covered all the the things that I mentioned above, and more, and I highly recommend it. I'm just surprised my mother's picture isn't on the cover...

I have been hoping to find a book like this for the past two years. During that time, my three adult siblings and I have struggled with sick elderly parents and their painful, chaotic slide from independent living. There are many books on the needs/problems of the elderly, but this book is unique in that it is written from the perspective of the burned-out offspring trying to give aid and comfort--and it tells how NOT to feel like a guilty failure in the light of your parents' problems. In every chapter there are many practical insights and examples for understanding where your parent is coming from and for providing enlightened support and compassion--without continually sacrificing your own needs. There's a whole chapter on dependent behavior, one on negativity, another on fearfulness, including ways to handle them (and ways NOT to). I bought 5 copies of this book and sent them not only to my brothers and sister, but to two friends who are having trouble trying to help sick, depressed elderly parents. This is a handbook for that. I'd give it 10 stars if I could.

An enormous "thank you" to the authors. This book reads like they were running a video camera on my life. Finally, helpful, experienced, =sane= commentary for those of us who struggle with difficult aging parents. This book addresses an important family issue that is usually ignored by other books on aging and caregiving. I'm ordering three more copies for relatives and friends.

This book applies sound theories of human behavior to the relationship issues between generations. The relationship between the older, difficult parent and the grownchild is fraught with potential for unhappy, even dangerous living conditions. This book clears the air. The authors advise refocusing on the relationship between parent and grownchild rather than indulging in anger, guilt or other unproductive emotions toward the parent. The elderly parent may not be amenable to change. But the relationship can change if the grownchild becomes aware of, and is willing to change his/her part in maintaining a fruitless pattern. Thus the relationship can be molded to a more satisfactory shape by an insightful reader who modifies his response to his parent following the suggestions in the book. The reader freed from patterns that may date back to early childhood is in control of how this cornerstone relationship with parents is conducted. The explicit suggestions in this book show how to do this - how to set boundaries, depersonalize, empathize and above all to understand the parent's behavior rather than react to it. Such change can affect not only the elderly parent/grown child relationship, but other relationships in the grown child's life as well.

Thus, this book suggests the difficult, but necessary, basic changes that can improve our emotional health. Some may need a professional companion to help them apply the principles of the book. The book, however, may be enough for many intelligent readers puzzled by the problems their elderly parents present. The suggestions are concrete, backed up by good case examples and specific to a clientele with which the authors are very familiar. It is a must read for anyone trying to cope with any difficulties the older parent presents, or even anyone hoping not to become a difficult parent. It is also a must read for eldercare professionals who need understanding and practical tips for the problems of this ever increasing population.

Five years ago, I was struggling with the gut-wrenching dilemma of how to care for my widowed mother, who lived 5 hours from me and vacillated between smothering love and unmitigated rage. Her physical, financial and emotional deterioration and over dependence on me to be her savior were crippling.
Our relationship had always been rocky, but, as long as she was able to live independently, I was able to do the same. When she lost her ability to drive and was living alone in a rural area, I plunged into a seemingly bottomless pit-- seeking care-givers, services for her and trying to meet her day-to-day needs from a distance.
I searched frantically for any article or book which would help me face and deal with the worst dilemma of my life.
How could I care for my aging, ill, emotionally demanding mother and still save myself?
Grace Lebow's book was the only book I could find which spoke to the distress of children dealing with their often unbearable parents--especially as the parents lives were deteriorating.
To know that I was not evil or selfish in needing to protect myself as I attempted to provide for my challenging parent, was the most welcome relief I could have asked for.
My mother has since died and I will forever be grateful to Grace Lebow and her book for allowing me to sleep well and live with good conscience in knowing that I did the best I could for my mom and did not destroy myself in the process.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I've read the gamut of parent self-help books and found this one to be the most uplifting and practical. I deal with a difficult 86 year old, narcissistic mother who has had many recent illnesses and crises. Barbara and Grace's book gave me the insight and advice needed for me to get past my anger and confusion and start setting limits for my mother while providing her support. It helped me enormously. After reading the book, I also found myself needing care management services for my mom. I'm lucky to be living in the Washington, DC area and was able to use the author's care management services when my mother had emergency surgery and needed 24 hour home help. Barbara is as wonderfully empathetic in person as she is in her book. She helped in both understanding and helping me manage my mother as my mother moved through her latest crisis. I don't think I couldn't managed easily without her help.

I found my aspects of my mom's personality in just about every scenerioj. We have been making each other miserable since she had to move from independent living - she is angry and so am I. This book offers the information I really needed to hear to keep me getting stressed out even more - and treating my mom with impatience. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

After reading this wonderful book, I now find I can pick it up, open it to any page, and find something to make me calm down immediately. I appreciate how the authors are always respectful of the older parent's life and situation. It helps me keep things in perspective as well as deal with more mundane and immediate struggles. The bottom line is on page 118: "... no matter how miserable your parent's controlling and manipulative ways may make you feel, your parent feels worse than you do." I also appreciate chapter 9, "How to keep from being difficult yourself." I have recommended this book to many friends. It is valuable in understanding and dealing with all interpersonal relationships.

Being an only child has left me completely overwhelmed since my father's recent death. This Guide HAD to have been written with my mother in mind! It provides simple, clear concise scenarios that everyone can relate to and better yet, it gives solutions. This book is an absolute MUST read for anyone dealing with a difficult parent in their later years. You will not be sorry to have picked this one up.