Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work [Paperback]

Matthew McKay (Author), Patrick Fanning (Author), Kim Paleg (Author), Patrick Fanning (Author), Kim Paleg (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 1994

Couple Skills is different from other relationship books because: The focus is on action and change rather than theory. You can pick and choose what you most want to learn, focusing only on skills and chapters that are relevant to your needs. Each chapter has a standardized format and covers one skill. Here's what's covered: listening skills, expressing feelings and scripting needs, reciprocal reinforcement, clean communication, identifying and changing cognitive distortions, negotiation, problem solving, assessing and changing aversive strategies, coping with anger, coping with an angry partner, time out, identifying schemas about your partner, old tapes: separating your partner from your parents, coping with your defenses, identifying and intervening in your couple system, expectations, rules, and acceptance.

Editorial Reviews

Review

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Publisher

This revised and expanded edition of the classic relationship-skills book offers couples a comprehensive approach to better communication, greater intimacy, and deeper commitment. The new edition includes way to use acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) principles for better conflict management. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 280 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (January 1994)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1879237660
• ISBN-13: 978-1879237667
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #377,993 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

84 of 86 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book for improving communication with your partner, May 7, 2002

By 

Dr. Ellen Kenner, Clinical Psychologist - See all my reviews

This review is from: Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (Paperback)

"Sigmund told his longtime girlfriend Robin that he was willing to marry her if she would do 135 sit-ups a day to tighten her stomach muscles, allow him to buy her a more stylish wardrobe, read fewer novels so she could pay more attention to him...." Not all relationships start off this precariously. The authors state "Relationships can gradually run down. Early pleasures become commonplace and boring. Minor flaws become major flaws. Charming eccentricities become irritating."
Couple Skills is an excellent source for learning essential communication skills. If you can sidestep some erroneous theoretical explanations (e.g., behaviorist or systems theory explanations and occasional moral relativism), you can gain lifetime skills from this book. It includes realistic examples and useful exercises in each of its four sections: basic communication skills, advanced skills, managing anger and conflict, and understanding and changing what goes wrong.
You will learn to identify barriers to active listening (e.g., sparring, derailing, placating, mindreading, selective attention, rehearsing your response). You will also learn to give feedback that is immediate, honest and supportive rather than brutal (or camouflaged). You will learn how to identify and express your needs. Did your parents prohibit the expression of anger? ...or of pride? Learn how to overcome ingrained repression of your genuine feelings.
The authors emphasize "clean communication" (i.e., how to give whole messages, not half-truths or disguised messages). They cover negotiation skills including seven classic methods of compromise. The section on anger and conflict helps you identify aversive strategies such as threatening to leave, guilt-tripping, derailing the conversation, belittling or blaming. The authors offer an alternative "key attitude" to help you deal with inevitable conflicts. They cover methods of assertively responding to criticism. As stated in this excellent book, "...(A)ssertive behavior allows you to stand up for your rights, express personal likes and dislikes, accept compliments comfortably, disagree with someone openly, and say no." Couple Skills can help strengthen, improve or rescue your relationship.

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Practical, useful book for motivated couples, April 7, 2008

By 

Beth Cholette "doctor_beth" (Upstate NY USA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (Paperback)

Couple Skills is written by three established authors in the self-help field. The authors argue that their approach is unique in that it focuses on action and change, thereby requiring the active involvement of the reader. Furthermore, they have designed each chapter of the book to stand alone, thus allowing readers to pick and choose the sections of the book which are most personally applicable.

As a clinical psychologist, I believe that the main strength of this book is its practical approach. Every chapter contains a wealth of helpful case examples, interactive worksheets, and constructive couple exercises. However, as the topic areas addressed become more complicated, so do the interventions, thus demanding an even greater level of participation from the reader. As the authors say in their introduction, this book is designed for couples who are willing to work; there must be a real commitment to engaging fully in the activities suggested in order to derive benefit. Topics addressed include listening, expressing feelings/needs, providing reinforcement, negotiating, problem-solving, coping with anger, and assertiveness techniques.

For couples who share joint motivation to work on their relationship and who are willing to put in both the time and effort required to learn and practice the skills set forth here, this book is likely to be useful and informative. However, those who feel more ambivalent towards their partners and/or are looking for a quick fix are likely to be disappointed in work-intensive approach necessary to obtain benefit from this skills-focused guide. Overall, I rate this book 4 1/2 stars, as it does require a high level of commitment.

21 of 22 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent for couples and couples' therapists, September 14, 2007

By 

Susan S. Harper (Washington, DC) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (Paperback)

This is my favorite couples' therapy book. Not only do I use it constantly when I work with couples, but I've recommended and shared it with my interns and with psychiatric residents who are working with couples for the first time. Practical and down-to-earth, it provides useful examples and exercises for couples, both new and long-term. I highly recommend it.