Customer Reviews

The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself

5 star:		(26)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

The Courage To Be A Stepmom reflects author Sue Patton Thoele's considerable experience in the area of empowering and encouraging women to grow spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. Perhaps more importantly, Ms. Thoele's willingness to draw extensively from her own experience as a stepmother brings the subject matter alive and will leave most readers feeling that it really is okay to take some wrong turns on the long and sometimes arduous journey from novice to "stepmother emeritus."

The Courage to Be a Stepmom skillfully covers the basics-keeping expectations reasonable, going slowly, strengthening the marriage, and so on. There's good, practical advice to be found in its pages. However, it moves ahead of many of the contemporary books on stepparenting and stepfamilies in its ability to present its subject in the context of personal growth. Ms. Thoele, often through personal example, encourages stepmothers to continually look within and work with their feelings, expectations and beliefs as they face the challenges of building a successful stepfamily. The underlying premise of the book is that you have to be willing to grow yourself if you want to promote growth in your stepfamily, and secondly, that this is an extremely challenging, sometimes painful, but potentially quite rewarding process.

Particularly strong, I think, are her chapters on taking care of yourself. Sue Thoele adeptly blends together established concepts about nurturing the self with anecdotes derived from the nearly forty stepmothers she interviewed for the book. What emerges is a compassionate model for caring for others from a position of caring for yourself. These chapters will be particularly useful to new stepmothers who have a tendency to be self-sacrificing in an effort to win the approval of both their stepchildren and their new spouse-a strategy that almost invariably backfires.

The Courage To Be a Stepmom succeeds in its goal to emotionally prepare and inform stepmothers who are new to the role as well as to support and encourage those who are several years into the process. It will be an important tool for women seeking to "survive-and eventually thrive-as a stepmom."

The author, a psychotherapist and a stepmother, begins her comforting book by helping the reader understand the impact of her past and present on her family. She stresses the need for flexibility as stepmoms search for the courage to be "teachers of love and connection."

She discusses reasonable and realistic expectations and how the stepmom can exercise her right to boundaries without jeopardizing her marriage. The eight concise "stepmuddling" steps are a practical guide for getting through the typical stepfamily struggles.

Mrs. Thoele encourages the reader to be a "true friend" to herself by holding on to what sustains her and taking care of her marriage. She also provides tips to guide the stepmom in helping her own children adjust to the new family.

You'll find inspiration in "Gathering the Gifts," in which the author discusses the gifts that we receive from stepchildren and the spiritual gifts that we would not have so fully developed in perhaps another family situation. The "Twenty Guidelines for Stepmoms" are right on target and equally applicable to stepdads.

One sentence of the book speaks for us all as we struggle to find the courage that we need to succeed in our demanding role against incredible odds: "I believe that I did the best I could considering who I was at the time." Keep doing the best you can where you are.

My new husband teases me good-naturedly for my collection of 16 stepparenting books (and counting), but it's important to me to do the best I can. I've read a ton on this topic, and though I think it's important to do that, the reading often drags down my spirit and I find myself anxious and saddened by the enormity of this undertaking. It's particularly difficult and overwhelming as a never-married, no children wife.

This book is has been an incredible relief. Ms. Thoele manages to candidly acknowledge the difficulties faced by a stepmother and to offer some accurate and helpful insights without ever losing her underlying message that this is possible, we CAN do it, and there are steps you can take to make this a positive adventure. She reminds us that the rewards we reap often correspond to the effort involved, and so there is great hope.

I find myself wanting to highlight far too much of the text to make highlighting worthwhile! I'm tremendously relieved that this book arrived shortly before my wedding, and I rate it in the "top 5" stepfamily books in my growing collection. Do yourself a favor if you're a stepmother: grab this book, sit down with a cup of coffee, and allow yourself some grounded encouragement from someone who has been there.

Sue Patton Thoele's book, "The Courage to Be a Stepmom" is well written and speaks to stepmothers as not just stepmothers but as women and caretakers who need to remember to take care of themselves as well as their stepfamilies.  Her book demonstrates to stepmothers not only the various stepmothering issues and coping strategies but also how to take care of their spiritual, mental, and physical well being throughout the process.  Ms Thoele's book also sites personal experiences from her own twenty-five years of stepmothering and her book is wholesome, healing, and easy to read. I enjoyed it very much and highly recommend it to all stepmothers as well as women thinking about becoming a stepmother. Thanks, Angela Thacker

This book is good if you have not begun. I may have liked it more if I had read this book before I was married. The book describes feelings that you may already have, but fails to offer solutions. I have been reading other books that offer guidance and resolutions. I feel this book is for someone who is thinking about marrying a man with children not a woman who has already married and encountered the stress of being in awkward situations with stepchildren or the wicked ex-wife.

I read this book right before I became a stepmother, and it was absolutely critical in helping me establish myself comfortably within my new family and within myself in my new role. While other books I read outlined common situations and concluded, "open communication and low expectations from the outset help avoid these problems," Sue Thoele takes the need for open communication and low expectations as her starting point, then delves deeply into HOW to accomplish these difficult tasks, with a great deal of emotional realism and insight. I found myself turning to my partner and discussing points she had brought up on almost every other page, discussions that helped the two of us establish exactly the open communications that all stepmothering authors recommend. She sets exactly the right positive tone to inspire you that you, too, can avoid and survive the landmines of stepmotherhood.

The book was an easy read but direction and focus in each chapter was lost. So many subjects were touched on I didn't feel detailed attention and time were used for me to really dig in and say "YES, I understand. I agree. So That's what I can do and Thank you for the advice." I read in entirety however, it's the kind of book you can open to any given page, read a few paragraphs, get a quick lift and put down... The personal experiences shared were those of several women who are mothers them selves and are joining families, which is different than those women who entered a marriage without children of their own. I'm finding that most books about stepmothering are for women who have children of their own and are joining families... this books falls under that category as well. Although I had hope for an actual `stepmother', not mother/stepmother book "The Courage to be a Stepmom" had plenty to offer. I made note of several excerpts that I intend to use as reference when I'm in need of encouraging words/advice. You will put this book down with a hopeful attitude however it will leave you wanting more. Although, I got a lot out of this book, my search continues to seek MY `stepmothering bible'...

One of the most reassuring books I've ever read. I was prepared to parent my husband's children, to help him to raise them and pitch in with all the tasks so necessary to healthy childrearing. What I wasn't prepared for was how I would actually feel about it! I was in tears so often I didn't know which end was up, and that wasn't healthy for anyone in my stepfamily - especially the kids. Sue Patton Thoele's book reassured me that my feelings about being thrust into a maternal role were perfectly natural, and once I was okay with ME, I was able to move forward and be the kind of stepmother I wanted to be. Many thanks, Sue, for letting me know I'm okay just the way I am, and that I have what it takes to be a terrific stepmom.

I found this book to be intensely relieving to me, as a stepmother, and a woman. It gives wonderful suggestions on ways to handle situations that arise as a stepmother, and to take care of yourself, before you blow your top. I was impressed by the way Sue Patton Thoele doesn't talk down to stepmothers, but speaks as a companion, an ally in the struggle to remain sane in the stepfamily. Definitely a "Must Have" book!

As a fledgling stepmom married to a psychologist with two children, 4 and 6, I found this book extremely disturbing and potentially damaging. While the book contains important advice on refilling one's own well in order better to handle the physical, mental and emotional demands more aptly, I feel that the book may be aimed more at stepmothers who enter into a marriage where there are adolescent stepchildren involved; and, this may well carry with it an unusual and separate set of demands, as far as the place in which the children find themselves developmentally, and the ways in which this may or may not clash with the stepmother's idea(l) of the romantic possibilities in "blending" families. The most disturbing news in the book remains, for me, the "Setting Priorities" list which begins with the self, moves onto the marriage, and then places the stepmother's biological children next, relegating the stepchildren to last priority; not only are the stepchildren a last priority, but, the author admonishes, "These children have parents." While I personally understand many of the emotional traps and pitfalls involved in stepparenting, I also understand that a stepmom is not a background shadow any more than stepchildren are. A stepmom is a role-model in the stepchild or stepchildren's lives who can either teach the children that they are second-rate in "her" home, or, who can teach them by example that all children in her charge are worthy of love and well-loved and respected for their own unique qualities.