Customer Reviews

From Courtship to Courtroom: What Divorce Law Is Doing to Marriage

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

The above professional review is pretty accurate on this one... Even though Abraham has UC/Berkeley and Harvard Law credentials, this is no abstract academic tome. Rather, it's an easy-to-read and straight-forward description of what a typical divorce scenario is like in all its details. Sprinkled in there's a bit of informative relevant history to explain how things got into the twisted state they're in, with men being distinctly second-class citizens in the family. Not only does marriage confer no rights on men, in divorce they have negative rights (i.e., obligations and responsibilities) and are hardly better off than slaves, with the state and the ex being the slave-owner.

Abraham is especially good at debunking the commonly held and naive belief among men that it's those *other* guys who are the jerks and who therefore get screwed by their ex's and the law in divorce -- i.e., that the law is fair and that men get about what they deserve. Being male is all it takes, and no amount of "good works" or having been a good husband/father can undo the inherent anti-male sexism in the current system. While there's virtually nothing in the book on courtship, and there are a couple of minor typos, this book should be required reading for all high school boys (and would-be second wives, too). The material on pre-nuptial agreements is a must for all men considering a commitment with a woman, and the six changes in the law Abraham proposes are right on the money and easy to understand. 4 1/2 - 5 stars.

The institution of marriage has changed so much in the past century that it's almost unrecognizable other than by name. What once lasted a lifetime now comes and goes so fast that few men are lucky enough to raise their children. Long before most children grow up the average American wife files for divorce, takes the house, the car, the bank account, the kids, and leaves the man in a state of indentured servitude not unlike a form of slavery. Author Jed Abraham provides a divorce lawyer's perspective on what happens to today's man after he marries and starts a family. Some practical advice, other than not marrying under today's sham laws, includes guidance for pre-nuptial agreements and other precautions for the man who must marry. A large flaw is that he, being a lawyer, absolves lawyers and judges from blame. Jed blames "the law," not those who practice the law. I find that to be morally ridiculous, because its divorce lawyers and judges who use the law to destroy so many million men and children. A great portion of blame rests right at their doorstep. Left out too are other courtroom disasters that now plague men such as the radical new crime called "spousal rape," MANdatory arrest laws for frequently fictitious domestic violence complaints even when the man complained about the woman's violence, and the persecution of men for phony child abuse complaints.

Jed does offer suggested changes in divorce law that would greatly help young men. The future is really grim if something isn?t done, and done soon. It's a must read for every man thinking about marriage. It's a must read for every women wondering why men "won't commit." It's a must read for every elected state representative and Congressman. As Jed says, "We're all in this together."

The first part of the book explains technical aspects of the law clearly and briefly, but it's a little boring, though important. Abraham also goes over the history of divorce and family law from 1700's to the present throughout the book, which is interesting.

The book gets better in the second part in which Abraham describes a typical scenario of what will happen when his wife files for divorce, which may not even be the worst case scenario. I almost teared up a couple times reading this narrative in which he uses the pronoun "You" to describe your various misfortunes, indignities, and injustices as you experience your divorce. Abraham urges men not to marry--it's just too risky. Men have almost no financial or legal protection in a divorce or in their post-divorce lives. This book makes you glad you never married, if you haven't.

Abraham blames the law for the increase in divorce more than women themselves, although no mortal woman can not resist the temptation of divorcing once she finds out that she can have the house, the kids, alimony, and child support from the male, all in for the best interest of the child, of course. But the child support money she receives from you is not monitored by the courts to see if it actually goes to the child.

The law does not think it is in the best interest of the child to have a meaningful relationship with his divorced dad because it is very difficult to get even joint custody; the mother usually wins sole custody and the husband gets visitation "rights", which can be easily subverted by the wife if she does not want him to see his kids. In a typical divorce case scenario, it is quite possible that the husband may be falsely accused of sexual child abuse by the mother to strengthen her case for sole custody of the kids.

A father actually has few rights in a divorce or after it, but still has responsibilities to provide for the child, as the law sees fit, which often financially burdens the father unfairly because the law goes by one-size-fits-all guidelines. A father may even pay an estranged child's college education if the law demands it. The wife may sue at any time after the divorce for more money, especially if the father gets a raise. The law also meddles in the business of the divorced father telling him that he can't start his own business because such a risk would not be in the best interest of the child. If the father becomes unemployed, he still owes the full amount of child support.

Fathers become so-called deadbeat dads because they can't have a real relationship with their children and they become detached from the sense of well-being they had when they were with the kids before the divorce. The financial burdens are often unfair to the divorced dad and so the father tries to get out from under them. The media, like court system, does not sympathize with the father and calls him a deadbeat dad.

The courts and the media practice a form of modern chivalry in which the woman under the guise of protection gets many unwarranted privileges and sympathetic biases. She may even end up with part of her ex's retirement pension.

Are there any solutions to all this? --Solutions are a long hard road. Yeah, you can get a pre-nuptial agreement, but the courts often don't honor it. They think their system is better. It is good to negotiate a pre-nup with a woman though to find out whether she is a fair-minded woman or she is one who is really going to stick it to you with the full force of the law come divorce time.

Political solutions are also slow and arduous. There about six points in the law that need to be changed through the legislature by presenting different bills. You will also have to battle the feminists on the opposing side, who crank out a lot of legislation for privileges under the guise of equality. Basically, we will have to work to get government out of our family life and stop it from playing big daddy. Government may keep growing until it controls the lives of married and single men the way it does divorced men. And that's not good.

I was surprised that Abraham didn't argue for the end of no-fault divorces because in the age of no fault, divorces sky-rocketed. Couples were no longer made to stick with their marital decisions and work their problems out. The kids were then left fatherless, and developed the many pathologies of fatherless children. He instead wants males to have fair and equal standing under divorce law. He does not necessarily want to decrease divorce. He thinks that if joint custody is awarded, the kids will be able to handle the divorce better. That is my impression anyway. I think it might be better to keep people married and the families intact for the interests of the children and society. Marraige should be a decision you have to stick with, except in extreme cases.

Oh, and of course, I almost forgot because it's so typical-- the lawyers and psychologists make tons of money off the growth industry of divorce. Just one parting cynical remark.

I think it would be arguable in a court of law that if an American man reads this book and gets married and has kids anyway, he has demonstrated his mental incompetence. A married man has a 50% chance of getting divorced (usually initiated by his wife) and when that happens, this book makes it plain how he will be stripped of his children, his dignity, and most of his assets and income. A divorced man can even be forced to pay for his noncustodial children's college educations when they are over 18 years of age, when married men have no such legal obligation to their adult children.

If you're male, and living in the USA, and thinking about getting married some day, you absolutely must read this book. It will cost you only about 3 1/2 minutes worth of a divorce lawyer's hourly fee.

This isn't a 5-star book - it's a 6-star one. Abraham presents the reality of how the legal and judicial systems art stacked against men. Anyone saying otherwise is either ignoring the facts or... a woman.

His book is short, to the point and does not contain footnotes. I do wish he had named names for both the good and the evil. For instance, although Abraham describes her study, he never mentions Dr. Lenore Weitzman, the Harvard professor whose highly flawed study and follow-on book, "The Divorce Revolution," created much of this mess. He did the same when reporting how Weitzman's study was flawed and how bureaucrats, politicians, judges and the press responded - something covered in depth by Dr. Sanford Braver's book, "Divorced Dads." There is a selected bibliography with many of these listed.

Abraham occasionally slips into sarcasm, so if you're not careful, you may think he believes something when he's really mocking it. The one area where I completely disagree with Abraham when he speaks of how mothers discipline their children and fathers don't want to. Dr. Warren Farrell's book, "Father and Child Reunion," explains why single-mothers are afraid to discipline the children they have custody of (I refuse to say "their children" since these children are not theirs). Perhaps Abraham was being sarcastic and I missed it or maybe he believes that since mothers are responsible for 90% of all child abuse, this means they are disciplining the children.

He pegs men's beliefs to a tee. "My case is different." "This woman is nicer." He let's men know what needs to be done (changing the laws) and how to start doing this.

This book is mandatory reading for every male, especially High School and college men.

John Smith
Alliance for Non-Custodial Parents' Rights
ancpr.org

Unlike its predecessors, this book contains no anecdotes or horror stories, no political analysis, and in fact no documentation (though Abraham does back up his assertions in frequent contributions to professional journals). Neither is it a legal manual, as it contains little advice on how to proceed in court. This is important, for it leaves no illusion that there is anything you can do to avert destruction. It is a concise, straightforward description of the reign of terror that is now routine in divorce court, told with the authority of a lawyer who has seen it all first hand.

Much is written in the second person: This is what will happen to you. In a sense it is one extended generic horror-story - the horror that is simply routine, so routine that it never makes the newspapers: the stealing and institutionalized abuse of children, the plundering and criminalization of fathers, the relentless and wholesale destruction of innocent lives. And all carried out by government officials on the take.

The book is neither ponderous nor accusatory but fast-paced and highly readable - all the more so for its occasionally caustic humor.

Reviewed by Stephen Baskerville for FatherMag.com

Stephen Baskerville teaches political science at Howard University.

THIS SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR ANY MAN CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE! Abraham is right on target with this easy to read book. From my own personal experiences and those of friends who have gone through divorce, the situation Abraham presents about what happens when your marriage breaks down is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. In fact the case he presents in general is run of the mill. Expect worse if your ex has filed on you. Clearly the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction, pushed by feminism and the preponderance of misleading and incorrect reports of deadbeat dads and the decline in women's standard of living following divorce. It just ain't so. The loving, considerate woman you thought you married has now become vengeful and vindictive and, aided and abetted by a legal system that thrives on an adversarial approach and won't hesitate to trample any rights a man has to parenthood or private property in the name of justice and what's "best for the kids", will take you to the cleaners. Jed Abraham, if you happen to read this, I would call upon you to take the initiative to set up an organization that will fight for men's rights, one that all men can unite behind and try to bring some balance back into family law. If this can't be done, then I would advise any man considering marriage to think very carefully about what he about to do in the cold hard reality of this book.

If you are looking for a book to give to a man that will tell him exactly how bad he is going to be treated by the divorce industry, this is it. While the Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle by Seidenberg is listed as the first book that we recommend to fathers in crises at the Capital District Chapter of the Fathers Rights Association (FRA) this book is destined to make the top ten list immediately. It is informative not only to men who are in the divorce process but to men at all stages of marriage. Mr. Abraham lays it on the line truthfully and honestly in an easy to read format that follows the process from beginning to end. I finished my divorce over two years ago and still found this book entertaining and truthful. As I read each chapter I found myself saying "yeah, that happened to me". And if you asked me if these things could happen in America the day before my divorce I would have told you you're nuts. I would recommend that every man buy this book. Do it now before it's to late for you too. James Hays, Family Advocate

Whilst Abraham has a fairly adversarial tone and presentation it is not unsurprising for a lawyer involved in the "war-zone" that divorce tends to become. Make no mistake, Abraham pulls no punches and wrings a certain amount of emotion from his writing. You may not find this emotionally pleasant reading, especially if you are married and start thinking "What if".

However, even if you are married and think life is pefect, buy a copy and have it mailed to work. If you are single, buy it. Whoever you are, buy another copy for a single male friend too. You too can save a life before it's too late.

The beauty of this book is it shows, in graphic terms, what the pitfalls of marriage are nowadays. And then it goes on to show you how to maximize the probability (no guarantees, never are...) of having a succcessful marriage. The enemy here? It is not women (sorry, ladies no misogony here to gripe about) but the idiotic divorce laws that we have permitted "well-meaning" politicians (sorry, I want to puke when I write that too) and other "social leaders" (double puke) to shove down our throats in "the best interest of the children." (triple puke)

Best time to read this book is BEFORE marriage is on the horizon, second best is on the verge of marriage, third best is while married (don't let wifey see this book or you are hosed), fourth best time is after divorce. For me, ten years after my divorce, this was throroughly resonant and helped me understand the feelings and actions I took during my divorce and child custody war. I was fortunate (ex had crummy lawyer) but if her lawyer had been up to speed, I may well have been as badly ruined as Abraham described in his generic divorce scenario.

This is a must read for ALL American men, it is 10 stars, read it now, pass it on, then give copies to your buddies.