Customer Reviews

The Courtship Dance of the Borderline

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(7)

 

 

It seems most of the people writing reviews here are either BPDs or (former) partners of BPDs, so people either love or hate the book.

The author is one-sided in many ways, presenting himself as a naive victim of Michelle, and doesn't examine in much detail why he married a woman he had just met a few months earlier shortly after a suicide attempt. He presents himself as compassionate, without going into what it probably meant to him to be loved in the manner that a BPD is capable of. I think he has a responsibility to the readers to examine himself in more detail than he does within the book.

However, the book does give a good account of the ups and downs one does get when in such a relationship- maybe more extreme than most people's experience, but extremely validating for anyone who has been through these ups and downs to read through. I'd recommend it for anyone coming off such a relationship, as a starting to help make sense of their own experiences. Just recognize that, in spite of the excellent clinical information given at the end, it is one-sided in many ways.

I thought this was a very informative book and highly entertaining, to boot. I was briefly married to a borderline just like the author, but my ex was an inwardly focused borderline (substance abuse, anorexia, bulimia, self harm, depression, etc.) rather than an outwardly focused borderline (suicide attempts, non stop raging, etc.) like the young lady in the book. The mistakes that this man made are many- starting with his decision to quickly marry a person who he full-well knew was deeply troubled. He met his future bride while she was in the hospital for a failed suicide attempt. Not a good idea. On the other hand, my ex never told me of her diagnosis- I only became aware of it during our custody dispute. (Never underestimate a borderline's ability to hide their true selves.) Part of the entertaining aspect of the book was seeing a medical doctor try to attempt to change a person that all of the information tells us is nearly impossible. He certainly should have known better. I would consider this a must read for anyone who is/was in a chosen relationship with someone who has BPD. I found the fractured relationship between his wife and his parents, especially his father, to be much like what I had to endure. The only reason I gave it 4 stars is because it left a lot of open questions- but maybe that was intentional. The overwhelming question that I was left with was, why didn't he listen to loved ones who were warning him at, seemingly, every turn? A very quick read.

This account of the author's marriage to an abusive woman with BPD reads like a novel - except it really happened! I couldn't put it down. Now a psychiatrist, Dr. Walker details the experiences surrounding his youthful marriage to a charming and captivating - but manipulative woman - who nearly destroyed him. The reader gains an understanding of the BPD mind as well as the partner's co-dependent participation in the events. As Jacqueline's verbal abuse escalated into violence over time, a loving husband progressively lost touch with his inner self, running the risk of becoming violent himself. Neither person set out to hurt the other. Unfortunately, this is how too many of these one-sided relationships go. BPD is poorly understood by the lay public, yet is a prevalent illness more often diagnosed among women than among men. This clearly written and informative book is excellent reading for any person interested in BPD relationships. This book is MUST reading for any man who has been in a destructive relationship with a BPD woman - the woman he just can't do enough for... Dr. Irene

My thanks to Dr. Walker for putting this painful experience to paper. Some of the negative reviews suprise me. This book is not intended to propose treatments. It is a testimonial. Why is that important?
I went thru hauntingly similar experiences during a relationship that ended in divorce after a brief and hurried marriage. Even as a physician, I was not sufficiently familiar with borderline personality disorder to recognize it in my partner --an embarassing admission. It only dawned on me that my wife was borderline, because a therapist suggested the diagnosis, and that was at the end.
A relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder is frightening and can be life altering. I wish I had known more at the beginning.
I agree with the negative reviewer who states that the person who gets involved with someone with a serious mental condition needs to examine themselves. That I have been doing. But the value of Dr. Walkers story is not diminished. It sounds like an honest account, because it rings true for me and maybe others.
What I do wonder though is why he endeavored to advance a relationship with a women he knew had this condition at the outset. Alternatively, how many of us, once thru this, will do it again?

Suffering from BPD myself, I read this book hoping for some insight into 'the other side' of the story. I found a young guy falling into the trap of trying to 'save' someone. I can definitely relate to the experience and have many times myself asked guys to 'promise to never leave me'. I would like to recommend to anyone dealing with this to seek therapy (and unlike Michelle, not sporadically or once a month). I'm 32, and going 2 times a week. I'm finally starting to feel like myself. The only negative thing I felt about this book was the initial message: 'do not get involved with a bpd person'. Every situation is different, and i hope someday that i will be capable of a 'normal' relationship and someone will give me that chance.

Being someone who was involved with a Borderline at one time, I grabbed this book hoping to find some validation. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a "BP" and reads this will certainly say "I can relate" while reading this book.
Some readers have questioned the author providing details about his sex life with the BP here, but I feel it is necessary to show how a BP often uses sex as a control issue, rather than a
gift of love. The author did not come across as a sexual braggart to me, nor did I think he included the details as a means of creating drama for the reader.
Details and examples of typical Borderline behavior are on every page of this book; abandonment issues, the transparent manipulation, and most obviously, the BP's craving for pity and inability to take care of themselves emotionally, creating a relationship with absolutely no reciprocity.
Still, when I finished the book, I felt as if my hand were closing on air. The aftermath leaves the reader empty. Yet I asked myself...maybe that's the point.

I have to start out by saying that I am not neutral with regards to borderline personality disorder. Like the author, I was married to a person who suffers from this disease. Reading this book was very eerie for me because it brought back a lot of memories and experiences which I had mostly managed to forget. For me, the biggest take-away was being able to hand the book over to a friend or family member so that they could understand just a bit what it was like to live with a borderline -- the spiraling descent into madness, and the slow crawl out. The author had the advantage of clinical training and expertise and was STILL drawn into a relationship which, at the very least, derailed his career for a couple of years. Your average person on the street is much less well equipped to deal with mental illness. If you are stuck in a relationship with a borderline, giving this book to friends and family may help them to understand how you got into this mess and why it is so hard for you to get out. If you are the parent or sibling of a loved one who is clearly enmeshed in a bad relationship or marriage and can't seem to get out, this book may help you understand why.

I came to this book a little sceptically, as it is clear from the Amazon preview that the author breaks one of the most basic of medical taboos, by becoming involved with a patient - and one with clear mental health problems, at that. However, his account is so clear and so genuine, that he even manages to explain how he made this (serious) error of judgement - almost.

Beyond that gripe, this book is wonderful. It is an account of ONE relationship; of two people and their freinds and families, written (inevitably) from one side of the equation. It does not pretend to describe all possible relationships with BPD sufferers, nor could it. It is very readable, and gives a remarkably clear insight into the thoughts and feelings of the author in this relationship. As one who has been through such a relationship, it all feels very real & authentic: I have been there, and this is exactly what it is like. If you think you're going mad in a relationship, it might just be worth comparing notes with Dr Walker.....

The term Borderline Personality Disorder seems to get thrown around easily. Sometimes it is even used as a pejorative. Friends and families often don't understand what someone married to a BPD goes through. This is a book to give them. Many of the instances in the book are very easy to identify with if you have ever been in such a relationship. Manipulation, all-or-nothing, up-and-down, good-or-bad, nothing in-between, suicide threats. This book is written by a psychiatrist but it is a memoir and not clinical...anyone can read it. I found it though to be a tremendous asset mainly because Dr. Walker put down his thoughts and motivations in ways that I could understand my own. I read it in one night unable to put it down.

Excellent book. I'd highly recommend it to anyone who had a relationship with someone with BPD. I had the misfortune of getting involved with a woman with BPD and almost lost my sanity. These people are like children, following their impulses, having no sense of a stable self. In my experience the woman with BPD changed from one mask to another, depending on whom she was with. At times she was very sweet like an angel, then at other times she would turn into a raging monster. She had numerous affairs and she lied about them. She appeared happy at one moment and then she'd get really depressed. She'd also accuse me of things I haven't done. Getting immersed into the world of someone with BPD can be a real nightmare. I'm glad that there are books like this, helping people to identify it. People with BPD appear interesting, charming and exciting until you get too close. Then they react with rage and accusations. And I had to deal with all sorts of lies and manipulations, becoming more isolated and depressed. I hope this book helps others understand what BPD really is and help all involved in the healing process.

--Alexander Shaumyan, poet, author of "Spirit of Rebellion"