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585 of 723 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Don't let this be your only source of advice, March 12, 2006
This review is from: Created to Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious (Paperback)
I am a Christian wife and mother. I have enjoyed some of the Pearls' writings in the past and I was actually perplexed when I read this book. The overall tone of the book is that nearly all the problems in marriage are caused by some fault in the woman, and if she would just get her act together and do x, y, and z then the marriage would be glorious. Wow - unfortunately, there are no cookie cutter marriages whose problems can all be solved by Debi's book.
Many readers claim this book is great because it is based on the bible, but Mrs. Pearl offers no exegesis on the subject of marriage. For her to claim that her book reveals "God's plan for a heavenly marriage" (p. 15) is misleading. Just because she sprinkled in multiple bible verses and bible stories does not mean Debi has clearly described God's plan for wives.
There are times where the author's biblical illustration completely goes against what the scripture is teaching. One example is in chapter 19 (which deals with the topic of being chaste) where Debi blames Bathsheba for the adulterous affair with David. She claims if Bathsheba had just been more discreet, she could have prevented the calamity that followed. This is not what the bible teaches about that story. Scripture says David was the one who sought her out and initiated the affair. In Second Samuel, God sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke David for his lust and the adultery. It is quite clear in that passage that God put the responsibility on David. I have never heard any pastor implicate Bathsheba when teaching about that story.
This book is supposed to be based in biblical principles but much of the advice comes from Debi's personal opinion. Here are just a few examples. She writes in chapter 17 that women should not have close friendships with other women and should only share their feelings with their husbands. She goes on to say that the time we spend at church and prayer meeting is all the time we need to spend with other women. Debi then claims that female friendships are in danger of turning into something 'abnormal' and 'sick'. I assume she's talking about lesbianism? That's taking quite a leap. In Chapter 21 she discourages women from taking their children to the doctor or getting vaccinations. Again, not scriptural and based on her personal beliefs in herbal remedies.
It is also outrageous that in chapter 16 Debi advises women whose husbands have sexually handled their children to take the kids to visit him while he is in prison. She claims the children will heal better to see their dad in prison for the crime. I think many people would question the wisdom behind that advice.
In chapter 7, she tells a story about how she didn't know how much money Michael made when they got married, she didn't even know how much they had to spend on the honeymoon and that it wasn't her place to question him about how money was spent. It wasn't clear to me whether or not she was trying to say that women should have no part in financial matters - she never comes right out and says that. But, it seems to be implied.
There are a few helpful, practical ideas in this book and a few morsels of truth (the reminder to honor and respect our husbands is good), but there's not much beyond that. The harsh language the author uses is not encouraging to Christian women. Instead, it will leave many of them with a weight of unwarranted guilt and shame.
There is a reason we are told in the book of Proverbs that those seeking counsel should look to a 'multitude' of counselors. If you read this book, do not let it be your sole source for counsel on marriage and being a wife. Also read other reputable Christian authors on the subject. A couple of good books I suggest are, by Gary Chapman:'On the Marriage You Always Wanted.' And by John Piper: 'What is the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.'
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206 of 264 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Full of poison, fiery darts, and fear, April 9, 2006
This review is from: Created to Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious (Paperback)
I would have given this book -100 stars (that's negative 100 stars) if that were possible.
I threw my book out, rather than have some other seeking person harm herself or her family by reading it.
1. I am a Christian.
2. I believe the Bible is divinely inspired.
3. I believe the Bible ordains wives to love, submit to and respect their husbands, and likewise husbands to love their wives, take care of them, and yes, sometimes submit to them in the healthy give-and-take of caring and considerate human relationships, especially Christian relationships (Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21).
That said, while this book tries to address how wives are to biblically submit to their husbands, yet the book is seriously and dangerously flawed in manner, approach, and teachings.
"Can a corrupt throne be allied with you -- one that brings on misery by its decrees?" Psalm 94:20
To sum up my objections briefly, I thought fiery darts and fear were supposed to come from the Enemy, not from within the Church of God, as in this book!
I cried at Mrs. Pearl's response to one lady -- Mrs. Pearl was full of put-downs and nasty accusations (while merely assuming the lady's motivation and attitudes) when a lady asked for wisdom for a very real problem with her husband. How mean and rude, and not at all like the Lord: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
"Dumb-cluck", "leech", and I think "couch-potato" were some of the things Mrs. Pearl called the lady, when it was not obvious from the lady's letter that she was any of those things. From all we can tell from that letter, the lady had just asked a legitimate question.
Also, Mrs. Pearl preaches disaster and doom for a wife and her children if the wife confronts (however politely) her husband about his sin or suspected sin. "You'll be out in the streets," "You'll be homeless," "You'll always regret what you did when you see what happens to your children," etc. are the kinds of pictures Mrs. Pearl paints. Even for gross and terrible sins and even for gross and terrible sins done against the children.
However, the Bible says:
"You are [Sarah's] daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear,"
and
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted,"
and
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
If you look on just about any of the Christian spiritual, emotional, physical, and domestic abuse sites online, I think you will find listed as abusive Mrs. Pearl's teaching of "it's all the wife's fault." Unfortunately, people in abusive situations lose their ability to reason, to think clearly, to resist false accusations, and to discern abusiveness due to being worn down by what's regularly being done to them, and an abused wife comes to quickly believe: "It's all my fault. If I had only done.... If I was only like...."
Jesus came to seek and save what was lost! Let's not make bad situations worse by grinding the downtrodden and hurting into the mud more than they already are. Let's imitate Christ and HELP lost and hurting sheep into safety, not keep up the status quo because of bad doctrine! Let's balance the scriptural injunction of wives submitting to husbands with Jesus' blasting leaders for hurting those in their care, and telling husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Those commands are different facets of the Lord's truth in relationships, and when one or more facets is missing or faulty, we need to take care of of the whole situation carefully and wisely.
While it is true that the Lord carefully and lovingly brings suffering into the lives of his people in order to make us like Himself, it is also true that He leads His sheep into SAFE pastures.... Sometimes, coming alongside and helping the husband or coming alongside and helping the husband and wife are enough to create healing and safety. Unfortunately, sometimes not.
We would do well to avoid disturbing unnecessary descriptions in intimate areas.
I foresee REAL danger and LASTING family trauma and damage if wives follow her teachings. I foresee lives and families being destroyed. The teachings in the book are ONLY her opinions, that tend to match some other extremist Christian or "Christian" groups that the Pearls hang with, and I don't think the opinions are scripturally derived, or even nice.
Please check out sites, including Christian sites, listing common signs of abusive relationships and spiritual abuse, and commonly used tactics, dynamics, and teachings of such. Once a person or a group goes down the path of relationship abuse and spiritual abuse, even if independently from others who have done the same, it's surprising how similar they all end up looking and acting. It's especially frightening to see how people who hang together often end up going the same path and believing and teaching and doing the same things, for good or for bad.
Please find a book with wisdom and peaceful, gentle fruit instead.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
God's blessings on your pursuit of biblical living.
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130 of 166 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
A Biblical evaluation, September 7, 2007
This review is from: Created to Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious (Paperback)
It is with some pain that we point out the serious concerns we see in Debi Pearl's book, Created to Be His Help Meet (CTBHHM). Her book has points of wisdom, sometimes deep wisdom, and several sections full of endearing energy and joy. We think a well-versed Christian might well enjoy winnowing the wheat from the chaff, finding things useful and challenging. Unfortunately, we think that taking this book at face value could cause a great deal of lasting harm (or prevent a great deal of good development) in a woman's relationship to God, herself, and to her husband.
First, we want to affirm and make clear where we agree. We believe that Scripture is the ultimate authority for life, and that everything written in the Bible is true, and a solid basis for all of our beliefs and actions. We believe that the Bible teaches women to submit to their husbands, and that men are to be the heads of their homes (and that it also teaches a lot of other things about marriage relationships). We believe everything the Bible says about men and women.
My wife did find some challenging truths in this book. In her own words: Only God can change hearts, and my responsibility is not to change my husband, but to focus on my own heart, attitudes, and actions. My respect towards him and my submission should not hinge on whether or not my husband "earns" it, but should be an act of the will and of obedience to God. When I entered into the vows of marriage, I committed to love, honor, and respect my husband no matter what, and that often means choosing to die to my own desires and feelings. I can choose to make the right choice, remain joyful, and honor my husband no matter what our circumstances. I also recognize that this book was written for the purpose of teaching women how to act towards their husbands, not the other way around. I liked the way the book challenged women to choose joy and choose thankfulness, no matter what their circumstances. I thought the poem Debi wrote at the end of the book was beautiful and contained depth.
[Writing together again] Indeed, Debi's book drove us into the Scripture--unfortunately, many times, only to find she was wrong. This book is troubling to us, especially in the ways it seems to be twisting and misusing Scripture. Please understand the following reflections not as a personal attack, but as a sincere attempt to voice our misgivings towards using this book to teach any women, but especially new Christians. Listed below are our main concerns with this book; space does not permit our full discussion which is posted on Blogger "createdtobehelpmeet".
Point 1: CTBHHM takes away the very heart of a woman's identity as a child of God, created in His image, by Him and for Him. It takes a wife's God given role - being a help meet to her husband - and asserts that for every woman, being a help meet (as defined by Debi Pearl) encompasses her sole purpose for existing and her only true identity. It goes so far as to state that Eve was created in the image of Adam rather than in the image of God.
Point 2: It presents a woman's husband as a mediator, a kind of high priest, between herself and God.
Point 3: It consistently asserts that a woman/wife bears responsibility for a man's/ husband's sins, going so far as to say a husband's complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation is provided to him through his wife and her actions. It seems to teach that women are deceived by Satan but men are not, and that men's primary weakness is their desire for (or to please) women. Therefore, women cause men to sin (or not) by their actions and submission.
Point 4: Its use of Scripture often seems wrong or out-of-context--so often that we frequently feel as though the author is stretching to find scriptural support for her own pre-determined conclusions. We feel it is more appropriate to first study the scripture and let it guide the conclusions.
Point 5: It discourages women from spending time in prayer, Scripture study, or meditation on Scripture, hinting that a woman's spiritual connection to God is primarily determined and built through her actions towards her husband. It asserts that that there is no woman in Scripture who is commended for doing "spiritual" things (i.e. praying, reading Scripture, etc.)
Point 6: The book itself is full of inconsistencies and can be very confusing.
Point 7: CTBHHM advice to women involved in an abusive situation (it advocates enduring in silence for the glory of God) is not only Scripturally suspect, but is also potentially lethal. The book also suggests that when a woman is abused by her husband, it is usually her fault.
Point 8: The writing often lacks grace and compassion towards those struggling, calling women names that should never be used to describe human beings made in God's image.
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