Customer Reviews

Created to Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious

5 star:		(262)
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3 star:		(13)
2 star:		(19)
1 star:		(109)

 

 

I am a Christian wife and mother. I have enjoyed some of the Pearls' writings in the past and I was actually perplexed when I read this book. The overall tone of the book is that nearly all the problems in marriage are caused by some fault in the woman, and if she would just get her act together and do x, y, and z then the marriage would be glorious. Wow - unfortunately, there are no cookie cutter marriages whose problems can all be solved by Debi's book.

Many readers claim this book is great because it is based on the bible, but Mrs. Pearl offers no exegesis on the subject of marriage. For her to claim that her book reveals "God's plan for a heavenly marriage" (p. 15) is misleading. Just because she sprinkled in multiple bible verses and bible stories does not mean Debi has clearly described God's plan for wives.

There are times where the author's biblical illustration completely goes against what the scripture is teaching. One example is in chapter 19 (which deals with the topic of being chaste) where Debi blames Bathsheba for the adulterous affair with David. She claims if Bathsheba had just been more discreet, she could have prevented the calamity that followed. This is not what the bible teaches about that story. Scripture says David was the one who sought her out and initiated the affair. In Second Samuel, God sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke David for his lust and the adultery. It is quite clear in that passage that God put the responsibility on David. I have never heard any pastor implicate Bathsheba when teaching about that story.

This book is supposed to be based in biblical principles but much of the advice comes from Debi's personal opinion. Here are just a few examples. She writes in chapter 17 that women should not have close friendships with other women and should only share their feelings with their husbands. She goes on to say that the time we spend at church and prayer meeting is all the time we need to spend with other women. Debi then claims that female friendships are in danger of turning into something 'abnormal' and 'sick'. I assume she's talking about lesbianism? That's taking quite a leap. In Chapter 21 she discourages women from taking their children to the doctor or getting vaccinations. Again, not scriptural and based on her personal beliefs in herbal remedies.

It is also outrageous that in chapter 16 Debi advises women whose husbands have sexually handled their children to take the kids to visit him while he is in prison. She claims the children will heal better to see their dad in prison for the crime. I think many people would question the wisdom behind that advice.

In chapter 7, she tells a story about how she didn't know how much money Michael made when they got married, she didn't even know how much they had to spend on the honeymoon and that it wasn't her place to question him about how money was spent. It wasn't clear to me whether or not she was trying to say that women should have no part in financial matters - she never comes right out and says that. But, it seems to be implied.

There are a few helpful, practical ideas in this book and a few morsels of truth (the reminder to honor and respect our husbands is good), but there's not much beyond that. The harsh language the author uses is not encouraging to Christian women. Instead, it will leave many of them with a weight of unwarranted guilt and shame.

There is a reason we are told in the book of Proverbs that those seeking counsel should look to a 'multitude' of counselors. If you read this book, do not let it be your sole source for counsel on marriage and being a wife. Also read other reputable Christian authors on the subject. A couple of good books I suggest are, by Gary Chapman:'On the Marriage You Always Wanted.' And by John Piper: 'What is the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.'

I would have given this book -100 stars (that's negative 100 stars) if that were possible.

I threw my book out, rather than have some other seeking person harm herself or her family by reading it.

1. I am a Christian.

2. I believe the Bible is divinely inspired.

3. I believe the Bible ordains wives to love, submit to and respect their husbands, and likewise husbands to love their wives, take care of them, and yes, sometimes submit to them in the healthy give-and-take of caring and considerate human relationships, especially Christian relationships (Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21).

That said, while this book tries to address how wives are to biblically submit to their husbands, yet the book is seriously and dangerously flawed in manner, approach, and teachings.

"Can a corrupt throne be allied with you -- one that brings on misery by its decrees?" Psalm 94:20

To sum up my objections briefly, I thought fiery darts and fear were supposed to come from the Enemy, not from within the Church of God, as in this book!

I cried at Mrs. Pearl's response to one lady -- Mrs. Pearl was full of put-downs and nasty accusations (while merely assuming the lady's motivation and attitudes) when a lady asked for wisdom for a very real problem with her husband. How mean and rude, and not at all like the Lord: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

"Dumb-cluck", "leech", and I think "couch-potato" were some of the things Mrs. Pearl called the lady, when it was not obvious from the lady's letter that she was any of those things. From all we can tell from that letter, the lady had just asked a legitimate question.

Also, Mrs. Pearl preaches disaster and doom for a wife and her children if the wife confronts (however politely) her husband about his sin or suspected sin. "You'll be out in the streets," "You'll be homeless," "You'll always regret what you did when you see what happens to your children," etc. are the kinds of pictures Mrs. Pearl paints. Even for gross and terrible sins and even for gross and terrible sins done against the children.

However, the Bible says:

"You are [Sarah's] daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear,"

and

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted,"

and

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."


If you look on just about any of the Christian spiritual, emotional, physical, and domestic abuse sites online, I think you will find listed as abusive Mrs. Pearl's teaching of "it's all the wife's fault." Unfortunately, people in abusive situations lose their ability to reason, to think clearly, to resist false accusations, and to discern abusiveness due to being worn down by what's regularly being done to them, and an abused wife comes to quickly believe: "It's all my fault. If I had only done.... If I was only like...."

Jesus came to seek and save what was lost! Let's not make bad situations worse by grinding the downtrodden and hurting into the mud more than they already are. Let's imitate Christ and HELP lost and hurting sheep into safety, not keep up the status quo because of bad doctrine! Let's balance the scriptural injunction of wives submitting to husbands with Jesus' blasting leaders for hurting those in their care, and telling husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Those commands are different facets of the Lord's truth in relationships, and when one or more facets is missing or faulty, we need to take care of of the whole situation carefully and wisely.

While it is true that the Lord carefully and lovingly brings suffering into the lives of his people in order to make us like Himself, it is also true that He leads His sheep into SAFE pastures.... Sometimes, coming alongside and helping the husband or coming alongside and helping the husband and wife are enough to create healing and safety. Unfortunately, sometimes not.

We would do well to avoid disturbing unnecessary descriptions in intimate areas.

I foresee REAL danger and LASTING family trauma and damage if wives follow her teachings. I foresee lives and families being destroyed. The teachings in the book are ONLY her opinions, that tend to match some other extremist Christian or "Christian" groups that the Pearls hang with, and I don't think the opinions are scripturally derived, or even nice.

Please check out sites, including Christian sites, listing common signs of abusive relationships and spiritual abuse, and commonly used tactics, dynamics, and teachings of such. Once a person or a group goes down the path of relationship abuse and spiritual abuse, even if independently from others who have done the same, it's surprising how similar they all end up looking and acting. It's especially frightening to see how people who hang together often end up going the same path and believing and teaching and doing the same things, for good or for bad.

Please find a book with wisdom and peaceful, gentle fruit instead.

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."

God's blessings on your pursuit of biblical living.

It is with some pain that we point out the serious concerns we see in Debi Pearl's book, Created to Be His Help Meet (CTBHHM). Her book has points of wisdom, sometimes deep wisdom, and several sections full of endearing energy and joy. We think a well-versed Christian might well enjoy winnowing the wheat from the chaff, finding things useful and challenging. Unfortunately, we think that taking this book at face value could cause a great deal of lasting harm (or prevent a great deal of good development) in a woman's relationship to God, herself, and to her husband.


First, we want to affirm and make clear where we agree. We believe that Scripture is the ultimate authority for life, and that everything written in the Bible is true, and a solid basis for all of our beliefs and actions. We believe that the Bible teaches women to submit to their husbands, and that men are to be the heads of their homes (and that it also teaches a lot of other things about marriage relationships). We believe everything the Bible says about men and women.

My wife did find some challenging truths in this book. In her own words: Only God can change hearts, and my responsibility is not to change my husband, but to focus on my own heart, attitudes, and actions. My respect towards him and my submission should not hinge on whether or not my husband "earns" it, but should be an act of the will and of obedience to God. When I entered into the vows of marriage, I committed to love, honor, and respect my husband no matter what, and that often means choosing to die to my own desires and feelings. I can choose to make the right choice, remain joyful, and honor my husband no matter what our circumstances. I also recognize that this book was written for the purpose of teaching women how to act towards their husbands, not the other way around. I liked the way the book challenged women to choose joy and choose thankfulness, no matter what their circumstances. I thought the poem Debi wrote at the end of the book was beautiful and contained depth.

[Writing together again] Indeed, Debi's book drove us into the Scripture--unfortunately, many times, only to find she was wrong. This book is troubling to us, especially in the ways it seems to be twisting and misusing Scripture. Please understand the following reflections not as a personal attack, but as a sincere attempt to voice our misgivings towards using this book to teach any women, but especially new Christians. Listed below are our main concerns with this book; space does not permit our full discussion which is posted on Blogger "createdtobehelpmeet".

Point 1: CTBHHM takes away the very heart of a woman's identity as a child of God, created in His image, by Him and for Him. It takes a wife's God given role - being a help meet to her husband - and asserts that for every woman, being a help meet (as defined by Debi Pearl) encompasses her sole purpose for existing and her only true identity. It goes so far as to state that Eve was created in the image of Adam rather than in the image of God.

Point 2: It presents a woman's husband as a mediator, a kind of high priest, between herself and God.

Point 3: It consistently asserts that a woman/wife bears responsibility for a man's/ husband's sins, going so far as to say a husband's complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation is provided to him through his wife and her actions. It seems to teach that women are deceived by Satan but men are not, and that men's primary weakness is their desire for (or to please) women. Therefore, women cause men to sin (or not) by their actions and submission.

Point 4: Its use of Scripture often seems wrong or out-of-context--so often that we frequently feel as though the author is stretching to find scriptural support for her own pre-determined conclusions. We feel it is more appropriate to first study the scripture and let it guide the conclusions.

Point 5: It discourages women from spending time in prayer, Scripture study, or meditation on Scripture, hinting that a woman's spiritual connection to God is primarily determined and built through her actions towards her husband. It asserts that that there is no woman in Scripture who is commended for doing "spiritual" things (i.e. praying, reading Scripture, etc.)

Point 6: The book itself is full of inconsistencies and can be very confusing.

Point 7: CTBHHM advice to women involved in an abusive situation (it advocates enduring in silence for the glory of God) is not only Scripturally suspect, but is also potentially lethal. The book also suggests that when a woman is abused by her husband, it is usually her fault.

Point 8: The writing often lacks grace and compassion towards those struggling, calling women names that should never be used to describe human beings made in God's image.

...by the dishonesty and desperate underhandedness and unscriptural methods of the author/publisher.
My wife read this book with my [at the time] approval, as well as by the recommendations of several other individuals. I seriously started wondering what was wrong with her, and if I was doing something wrong. I read it for myself, and I must say, I am SO GLAD that I do NOT treat my wife the way this book says she should have to tolerate. I LOVE my wife, not ABUSE her. This book describes an unscriptural marriage that I am glad I do not have. My wife is one of the sweetest, most loving and submissive ladies I know. Sure, she's not perfect, and neither am I. I have times where I don't portray love the way I should, and she the same. That does not give either of us scriptural license to abuse or patronize each other. It also does not mean she should degrade herself to make me happy. Only a true selfish, self-centered JERK of a so-called man [male is a better choice of words- not "man"] would treat his wife this way.
Also, these people have BLATANTLY asked people to write good reviews, just to get their rating back up. They have threatened legal action on anyone that reports this also. What kind of Christians do that? I'm glad I am one already, because it's "Christians" like this that would not make me want to be one, and are an embarrassment to the honest ones.

Although I agree with approximately 70% of the content, the other 30% overshadowed the positive. My concerns are:
1. There is little mention of mercy and grace.
2. The text is written in a very prideful and arrogant manner.
3. Scripture is often twisted and used out of context to support Mrs. Pearl's opinion.
4. The overarching theme is one of blame.
5. The author uses the book to shamelessly promote her husband's books. It felt like a literary commercial at times.
6. The author presents herself as knowing all there is to know of the male gender.
7. The author presents her thoughts, interpretations and opinions as being the same as God's.
8. A man's moral failings (as a husband and father) are presented as being the fault of his wife.

Be very discerning in reading this book. There are some excellent points made in this text, my concern is the overarching attitude of the book. Be sure to know who you are in CHRIST and His grace before you read this book.

Wow - this book has had a deep impact on my life. It was given to me around the time I was getting married (9/25/05) by a young lady in my church who, due to reading it, reconciled with her husband after a 2 year separation. I already knew that I had some stubbornness and bad habits (ex: completely shutting down and acting cold) that needed to be worked out so I was looking forward to reading the book.

When I first started, it was too difficult for me. I had to stop reading it after a while because everything in me was pushing against it. I didn't pick it up again until about 6 months later. This time I was able to read it all the way through. Let me just advise you to not comment on the book until you have read the whole thing.

At the beginning, I couldn't put the book down. It seemed as though everything she was saying was speaking directly to me. I found it so helpful, convicting, humbling and full of truth. It put a passion in me to want to go out and tell all the women I know about how they can have a glorious marriage! I even typed out the entire letter by the divorced woman and her regrets - and emailed it to every woman over 18 in my address book, married/single/Christian/non-Christian alike. The things I have begun putting into practice (namely thankfulness, a ready-to-do attitude and purposed joy) have put my husband on cloud 9.

HOWEVER...the danger in this book is Mrs. Pearl's repeated opinion (seemingly based on scripture, which makes it even worse) that women are not to have their own goals, dreams, opinions, relationship with God, etc. She says that our sole purpose is to please our husbands, like we are a trophy or something. The chapter that truly messed me up was her whole view on the "Jezebel spirit". She says that women who "think" they are "spiritual" are usually just emotional and deceived. She says that we do not need to spend time in prayer, that serving God is serving our husbands. She even goes as far as to give a ridiculous example of a woman who bossed her husband around with her "spirituality" until God had to visit her with madness for her disobedience. Let's not even discuss all the ways she says that women should not pursue leadership roles outside of the house, should not speak in church or teach men on any level.

I have been saved for over 9 years and married for just over 6 months...by the time I finished reading this book I seriously had a nervous break down. It made me believe that all the dreams and goals that I had set for my life - which my husband loves, by the way - were nothing more than selfish ambitions and pointless endeavors that would never please God (even though they are things I know He placed within me). I stopped having my daily prayer time with the Lord because, after all, according to this book what I needed to be doing instead was washing my husband's dishes with a smile (which I did regardless). This book just made me feel like the person I thought God created me to be was all a lie and I seriously wanted to stop everything I had been working on up to this point.

I say this cautiously, but the devil knows scripture as well and I truly feel that Mrs. Pearl was unknowingly used by him to subtly veer women off track. Women have a major role in God's end-time plan and we have a place on the battlefield as His soldiers, side by side with our men. Do not be deceived, love and cherish your husband by being everything God created you to be. THAT is how you will be his help meet.

I read this book with a group of other Christian women and we were all changed for the better by reading this book. While some people have asserted that Debi claims that women are to blame for probelms in a marriage, I did not find taht to be the case. She is simply addressing women about the issues they need to deal with. This isn't about your husband. It's about you, the wife. Even if he is a rotten husband, we are still called to be godly wives. Yes, that is very hard, but that is what God has called us to do! As we read through this book, we each admitted that we were treating our husbands better. We were encouraged to whine/sulk less and honor more. There were definitely a few times where we did not agree with what Debi said (Bathesheba being to blame with David's sin for instance), but overall, this was a great book and I would recommend it to every single wife out there.

It's funny: inspite of my one-star rating, I now have a love-hate relationship going, not with this book, but with Debi Pearl's advice in general. Sometimes it depends on how you take her model of marriage; if you take it moderately and with good sense and accurate Scripture application, you could get a heart-achingly beautiful picture of marriage. If you take it to the extreme, on the other hand, you'll most likely end up a slave to your husband. And for many emotionally and physically abused women, this is a very real danger that this book, if misapplied and taken like Scripture, could worsen.

I've stated before that even if I believed you should obey your husband, there would be limits, both in your obedience and in your regard in general of him. In this book, Debi Pearl blows away many limits. Here are a few of the remarks in this book by Debi and Michael Pearl:

"You can freely call your husband "lord" when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husbands hands just as the Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities."

"The chain of authority must never be broken, even if it means allowing some abuse (of the husband's role)."

"first know that a husband has authority to tell his wife what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, how to spend her time, when to speak or not to, even if he is unreasonable and insensitive."

Debi shares a story about a woman named Sunny who married a man of Arab descent, Ahmed. Ahmed, during Sunny's third pregnancy, spent a great deal of time drinking and would rage at Sunny afterwards. At one point, he came after Sunny with a butcher knife. Sunny went to her mother and various other places crying and asking for help. Debi prayed with her and told her to either leave him or make up her mind to repair her marriage and focus on winning her husband's heart. When Sunny showed hesitation, however, Debi said (in the book) "I fully expected her to leave him that night, but I discovered something amazing about her, Sunny really wanted God's will in her life. She had grasped an eternal vision about life, and she now believed God could save her man. I explained to Sunny that in order to win her husband's heart she needed to reverence him...She was not to speak ill of him again. Her conversation with others as well as with him, would be only praise and appreciation."

Now, no one likes a blabbing wife, I agree. However, if a wife "blabbed" to you that her husband beat her and threatened her with a butcher knife, wouldn't you think it was something more than gossip? Sunny wasn't blabbing her husband's sins, she was crying for help! Frankly, if she was too scared to call the police, I think it's good that she told others what was going on, so they could do it for her. Debi didn't, though. Instead, she would have us believe that after a week, everything was peachy keen and Ahmed and Sunny were just getting along swimmingly. Yeah, right. I'm not saying I don't believe Sunny wasn't complaining anymore, but if you expect me to buy that both Sunny and her husband were spiritually fit because Sunny kept her mouth shut, don't waste your time.

This isn't the only time I've heard of a woman who claimed to be, quite suddenly, spiritually healthy and happy as a duck because she chose to submit to a bad husband. While reading one of the online testimonies from wives, I found one by a woman who said that, before she read Debi's book, she'd been planning on leaving her husband and taking her girls with her. When she began listing her husband's faults, at first I thought she'd just mention the typical stuff: he wasn't sensitive enough to her needs, he was too bossy, he wasn't a good enough provider, etc. It turned out, though, I was quite wrong. Her husband was addicted to drugs, pornography, and was a pathological liar!! It turned out this woman had a very good reason indeed to leave him. But then, of course, she read Mrs. Pearl's book and she said that, after reading it, "I realized for the first time that God's way is for me to love, respect, honor, and OBEY, no matter what."

Where in the world did she get this idea? The Bible never says to enable a sinful husband's behavior; it says to love such a husband, yes, but that doesn't mean supporting bad (or in this case, sick) habits. That man needs psychological help. Imagine what those children would be exposed to, with the "spiritual leader" in the home looking at porn and being a deceptive drug addict! That wife has done no one in her family, not even her husband, any favors whatsoever with her enabling.

This wife went on to say, "I now realize that my husband may never change, but that's not what's important...God wants me to change. For the first time in my 3 years of marriage, I have peace." She went on to say that she looked forward to rejoining her husband in a different state and already her attitude toward him was changing (albeit just over the phone)

This poor woman may be sicker than her husband. She really believes that God would worry more about an un-submissive wife than a spiritually dead husband who is emotionally butchering his family? This wife has single-handedly decided not to give her husband any help and instead to roll over and let his addictions ruin his family without any resistance on her part. I can only pray for those poor children, as they now not only have a sick father but a pitifully spineless mother.

Debi not only advises against divorcing a bad husband, but tells wives to have dangerous husbands put in jail only temporarily. She seems to think that a husband's temper will cool in prison and that then would be a good time to write him love letters. She claims, "Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully-for a while anyway." Clearly, Mrs. Pearl knows nothing about the psychology of abusive husbands. Not only do they usually get angrier at their wives once they get out of prison, but the cycle of abuse does not end just like that. It often continues for a lifetime and if it does end, it ends with a great deal of counseling, not a wife who one minute puts her husband in prison and the next minute tucks her backbone into her pocket and writes him love letters. Pearl's words even indicate that she knows this would only be a temporary solution, so what happens when hubby hits you again? Certainly you can't divorce him. According to Debi, "God hates divorce-always, forever, regardless, without exception." What God truly hates is a perversion of His plan, and an abusive marriage is just that.

Some may defend this book by claiming that Debbi does advise you call the authorities on an abusive husband, but they leave out the fact that what the Pearls really advocate is reverencing a husband no matter what. Here are more of their remarks on the matter:

"if a woman is really seeking God and asking for wisdom from on high, she will be able to discern the difference between her own controlling spirit and those rare instances that a husband may command outside his sphere of authority - requiring legal intervention. Women who threaten to "report them to the law," or women who refuse to answer the phone any way other than, "He is here, but will not talk," are rebellious. They will never make it to the hall of fame found in Hebrews 11, where Sara was listed, nor will they make it into a heavenly marriage here on earth."

"The servant is not given the option of deciding that the master is not acting within the will of God and therefore should not be obeyed. It is acceptable with God (God's will) for the underling to suffer wrongfully and take it patiently."

Note the term "underling" used to describe wives. Furthermore, it's apparently not even her place to decide if she can obey her husband or not. How then should she draw the line, and where?

The awful advice given to abused wives apparently has more to do with the Pearls' hatred of divorce than any belief they have about a husband's authority. Here are Michael Pearl's words, verbatim, on how to deal with a child-molesting husband: "If there is any thought that they (the children) are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn't repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil's face. God hates divorce--always, forever, regardless, without exception."

If your husband molests the children, spiritually killing them and is still not repentant after twenty years, you STILL can't divorce him. Stay married to the monster, be a martyr, and you'll please God. The wife is expected to sacrifice everything to him, including any personal happiness or healing she might have. How could she heal, knowing she'd have to remain deadlocked to the man who abused her children? How could her children heal, knowing their mother would let him come home even if he wasn't even sorry? These children would thus be betrayed by both their parents, the people who should have protected them! This advice is especially shocking to me because Michael Pearl has shown various times that he despises child molestors. He even claimed that he wouldn't trust his girls with any man when they were children, or even let them spend the night with friends or relatives. Never have the Pearls encouraged any tolerance of child molestors, except for the women who are married to them. How is this?

Even where it not for the life-endangering advice to wives, I would still caution all to stay away from this book. I've said before that people abuse the term "head" describing husbands and the Pearls are no exception. Michael Pearl even refused to answer a theological question of his engaged daughter because, he claimed, "Your husband is your new head. You believe what he believes". What if the husband isn't saved, Mr. Pearl? God never says you must submit your brain as well as your own selfish desires to your husband.

For months now, I've been wondering what it is about this book that could allow any psychologically healthy woman to find it helpful. Then, after re-examining all the book's faults, I realized what it is: hope. The common theme throughout this book is that no matter how bad your marriage is, if your husband cheats, beats, or even comes after you with a butcher knife, YOU the wife can save it. The marriage can be saved and your man can be changed, if only YOU try hard enough and do all the right things. To a woman in a depression, wanting desperately to save her marriage, this is like manna from heaven. Ladies, I'm going to tell you a truth that most already know: this is false. No matter how much you obey your husband, revere him, serve him, you must know that marriage is STILL about two people and requires cooperation from both; sometimes, the husband does NOT change. You think abused women need this book to tell them to keep trying? Most battered women are emotionally bound to their husbands and they will do anything to please them, bending over backwards until they break their spines. Obedience to an abusive man feeds the fire, it doesn't put it out.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying there's no hope, nor am I begrudging those who turned their marriages around by taking Pearl's advice of honoring their husbands. Sometimes the problem is with the wife; sometimes it's up to us, the women, to fix things. Love your husband, respect him, honor him, but know your limits. With a willing heart, there is no limit to what God can do. However, remember that your heart is not the only one that must be willing; this is not just about what God can do, but what your husband will do. If you're in a psychologically or physically unhealthy relationship and your husband WILL NOT change, you must get out because your marriage is no longer honoring God, even if you are. Not all marriages can be saved, not all men will change. Sometimes a wife just has to take what's left of her life and her heart and leave.

Debi Pearl does have some good advice for wives in GENERAL, but in this book it's almost entirely swallowed by the extremes of some of her and her husband's nonsensical and spiritually harmful beliefs. Seek the truth for yourself, ladies, and if you need counsel, get it from people who speak the Word in love.

PS: If you like Mrs. Pearl and are determined to read some of her work for wives, I'd actually recommend you get "Helpmeet's Journey", the companion journal for this book, rather than this book itself. The journal offers challenging questions, good advice, and allows wives to think for themselves instead of spelling everything out for them. Plus, it's really more of a Bible study than this book.

Is this book written well---in a way that grabs the readers attention and holds it? Yes. Does this book have gems of wisdom in it's pages? Absolutely. Is this book founded on a solid base of Scripture?

NO.

This book does apply a fringe-group's *interpretation* of Scripture, but that's different from being solidly based on Scripture.

Does applying the principles in this book make marriages happier? You bet it does, for many marriages! But not for the right reasons. Marriages are made happier because, for example, the wife no longer questions anything her husband does----OF COURSE it takes out a lot of conflict, no suprises there. But that's a much different thing than saying the marriage is *healthier.*

A healthy marriage is made up of two full adults who learn to work and walk together as they follow Christ. It's like a team of oxen pulling under the yoke of Christ, together, just like the picture given to us at the end of Genesis chapter 1. The Pearls, however, set up a one-line system---the man goes the direction he sees fit, the woman follows the man. Eve stands behind Adam in their version of Genesis 1...

There are so many problems with this book that it's hard to even start, but the most troubling ones to me are the many authoritative teachings about the way God designed men and women...because most of those authoritative teachings are NOT in Scripture at all.

I would recommend that readers proceed with caution. Just because a book sounds good, and just because it "works" (ie, less conflict, happier husband), doesn't make it God's way.

For example, my toddler would be a lot happier if I gave him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it...but that wouldn't make the relationship a healthy one. The same goes with a relationship between two adults.


YES, honor the man you married. Love him. Have fun and smile. Enjoy your sex life. Those are all *good* things and those are all things that Debi teaches.

It's the rest of the stuff in this book... some of it is honestly dangerous, VERY dangerous, for women in abusive situations. So much pressure is put on the woman...if the relationship is good, it's because she's doing things right, and if the relationship is bad, it's all her fault. All the pressure for having a happy marriage is squarely laid right on her back.

For the woman in an abusive home, this is about the *worst* thing she can hear (that's what her abuser tells her all the time, and now Debi's words are telling her that God sees it the same way)...along with the admonition that the woman who *trusts God* will make the mature wise decision to STAY in an abusive situation.

There are so many things in this book that are just so sad. The negative aspects outweigh the good and make me grieve for all the women under the weight of these false teachings.

We received this book as a wedding present some time ago. I read it during the first few months of our marriage and was completely appalled by its contents.

Before posting a review, I wanted to read it ALL THE WAY THROUGH to be sure that Debi Pearl's propensity to MISINTERPRET Scripture was not just an occasional error, and I found that, from cover to cover, her MISUSE and ABUSE of Scripture was ubiquitous throughout. According to her words, there is a hierarchy: God => man => woman => children. Listening to a marriage lecture by her husband (Michael Pearl) confirmed this unbiblical belief. They really do believe that God talks to the man, the man talks to the woman. The woman ought to submit to her husband's will as if his will and thoughts were God's will and thoughts. She is to submit to him as if he were her Savior. This is what they teach and THIS IS a LIE. Scripture does not say this! If it did, then Christianity would no longer be a monotheistic but polytheistic -- and Christ's mission on earth failed. He came so that there would no longer need to be any mediators between God and people (no more high priests), but according to Pearl theology, the man needs to be a 'high priest' on behalf of the woman. This is highlighted in Debi Pearl's encouragement to wives (in this book) to give up their 'quiet time' with the Lord in order to ensure time to serve their husbands. In essence, a woman needs to give up her relationship with God because her priority is husband, children and THEN God. This is heretical!!! God desires a deep and personal relationship with both men AND women. Every woman's first priority is God -- NOT her husband's.

And just to substantiate some of my statements, here are some quotes from the book:
You are created to be "a helper suited to the needs of a man. This is how God created you and it is your purpose for existing....You are created to make him complete, not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him." p. 21.

No, this is not Biblical. The Bible does not teach this. God made both Adam & Eve in His own image (so they are therefore EQUAL), and He called both Adam & Eve to rule over all the creatures (see Gen 1:26 - says "so that THEY may rule over..." it doesn't say "him" because where it says "man", God meant 'human beings' - both men and women.) A woman was created to follow God's will, not her husband's. Her purpose in existing is to fulfill God's will, not her husband's. And YES she is to seek personal fulfillment parallel to her husband -- because both men and women ARE EQUAL!

Here's an example of one of the many ridiculous stories from her book:
"As a general rule, my husband just doesn't take the trash out....One day recently my husband saw me struggling out the door with a huge sack of trash in one hand and several empty boxes in the other. Since he was headed in that direction, he volunteered to carry the heavy sack. He walked about ten feet ahead of me, holding the sack out from his body with one hand. I knew he was just showing me how strong he was. I was amused, as usual, by his display of manhood. After nearly 35 years of having me appreciate his muscles, you would htink he would tire of showing off, but he knows I have never tired of watching him perform. When he got near the lare trash trailer, he was really getting into his macho thing. With great fanfare, he flung the large trash bag as if it were a cement block instead of a thin plastic bag too loaded down for his own strength. Of course, the string broke, allowing the bag to hit the side of the trailer, bursting open and dumping trash all over the ground. I could tell he was a little embarrassed as I rushed over to clean up his mess, but he continued on his merry way."

She goes on to say that she used to get irritated and annoyed and made a big deal about things like this but has decided that it isn't worth it to make such a big deal about trash. She understands the male psyche - the male EGO and how hard it is for them to get over their PRIDE, so instead of making a fuss, she cleaned up his mess. Instead of holding him accountable for his pride and mistakes, she excuses and cleans up his mess for him. This is not biblical love. This is unbiblical indulgence.

Later, she goes on to say that if your husband comes home late for dinner without telling you, don't get mad, just wait for him to come home and heat up his food with a smile -- as if you hadn't been waiting for hours and hours. Again, no accountability.

Essentially, the message of this book is this: Let the husband do what he wants. You must be obedient to his every wish - no complaining or you will lose him and your life will be a horror of horrors (you will have to live in a "dumpy duplex" and worse yet, your children will be forced to go to public school), because you are not fulfilling God's purpose for your life of being one man's slave (or, as Debi Pearl puts it, "failed the very purpose to which you were created, to be a suitable helper to a man" p. 58). Every problem in a marriage goes back to the woman; it is always the wife's fault somehow.

I believe the Pearls would preach that a wife should submit to her husband even if he beat her. They would say, If he beats you, you're doing something wrong. Go back and pray and submit until you do things right.

My sisters, this is NOT God's will for our lives.

No one who reads the Bible and knows Jesus should believe a word of this book.

Amazon, please take this book off your catalog!