13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
NOT SO JOLLY ROGER, October 12, 2005
This review is from: Cross Bones (DVD)
CROSSBONES is an incredibly bad film that spends most of its time focusing on the bikini clad women and the profane behavior of some minor league rap star (J-Shin?). At any rate, Joe Marino plays bloody pirate RedBeard, who is murdered by a bunch of natives in the beginning of the film, and placed under a blood curse. A group of incredibly bad actors take over as members of a "Survivor" type tv show that looks about as exciting as spin the bottle. Any attempt at plot coherence is shortshifted in the movie's attempts to parody reality shows, but there is no suspense or horror and Marino is especially bad as the vengeful pirate. Truly another example of the degeneration of the horror genre. No wonder they keep remaking classics like THE FOG or HOUSE OF WAX!
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Terrible from beginning to end., September 22, 2005
This review is from: Cross Bones (DVD)
"Crossbones" is worse than "Dracula 3000".. That's correct, this masterpiece is worse than the worst film made in the last 15 years. That is quite an accomplishment.
This mess starts off with the long, boring story detailing the origin of the villain of this film; the short guy with the dirty beard who runs around with a knife. He is supposed to be some evil, immortal pirate who kills anybody who:
a. is in his field of vision, especially if you are wearing a skimpy bikini (I've never really found hoochies cut up and covered in their own blood attractive - obviously the director has this fetish)
b. tries to steal his treasure (all pirates have treasures to guard - Arrrgh!)
c. tries to prevent him from recovering his treasure (he lost it when he was imprisoned many years ago, before he became immortal. Arrrgh!)
The victims are a group of idiots who are participating in a "Survivor"-type show. They all decide to frolic on this short killer's island.
What really shocked me about this poorly filmed, cheap D-grade movie was the incredibly racist portrayal of one of the pirate's victims - a rap star of course. All this guy needed was a Watermellon and a bucket of chicken. It was much worse than Coolio's "performance" in Dracula 3000.
Skip this one at all costs.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Aarrgghh!, November 5, 2005
This review is from: Cross Bones (DVD)
Aarrgghh!
The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.
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