Customer Reviews

Cross Bones

5 star:		(1)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

CROSSBONES is an incredibly bad film that spends most of its time focusing on the bikini clad women and the profane behavior of some minor league rap star (J-Shin?). At any rate, Joe Marino plays bloody pirate RedBeard, who is murdered by a bunch of natives in the beginning of the film, and placed under a blood curse. A group of incredibly bad actors take over as members of a "Survivor" type tv show that looks about as exciting as spin the bottle. Any attempt at plot coherence is shortshifted in the movie's attempts to parody reality shows, but there is no suspense or horror and Marino is especially bad as the vengeful pirate. Truly another example of the degeneration of the horror genre. No wonder they keep remaking classics like THE FOG or HOUSE OF WAX!

"Crossbones" is worse than "Dracula 3000".. That's correct, this masterpiece is worse than the worst film made in the last 15 years. That is quite an accomplishment.

This mess starts off with the long, boring story detailing the origin of the villain of this film; the short guy with the dirty beard who runs around with a knife. He is supposed to be some evil, immortal pirate who kills anybody who:
a. is in his field of vision, especially if you are wearing a skimpy bikini (I've never really found hoochies cut up and covered in their own blood attractive - obviously the director has this fetish)
b. tries to steal his treasure (all pirates have treasures to guard - Arrrgh!)
c. tries to prevent him from recovering his treasure (he lost it when he was imprisoned many years ago, before he became immortal. Arrrgh!)

The victims are a group of idiots who are participating in a "Survivor"-type show. They all decide to frolic on this short killer's island.

What really shocked me about this poorly filmed, cheap D-grade movie was the incredibly racist portrayal of one of the pirate's victims - a rap star of course. All this guy needed was a Watermellon and a bucket of chicken. It was much worse than Coolio's "performance" in Dracula 3000.

Skip this one at all costs.

Aarrgghh!

The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.

It should be a law against making movies this bad. First the whole plot was completely stupid and the actors should be shot for such a poor performance. Come on I know that it was a low budget movie but just how low can you get! Please do not buy,rent or even look in the direction of this movie if you know whats good for you. Its not worth your time!!!!

You can't expect too much from a zombie pirate film, and the story was weak in areas, but overall the flick was a fun, cheesy horror movie. Some good scares, beautiful reality show chicks, and pretty good production value. I also think this was the last film by Neil Fredricks, the talented cameraman who shot "The Blair Witch Project".

I'd beware of overly nasty reviews on a web site to purchase a DVD, but written by people who "rented" it (with a Hollywood address). Sure, it's not the best low budget horror film I've seen, but it's worth some blood, gore and Jessie Camacho!

Because my girlfriend loves pirates we rented this dvd, knowing it would be bad but hoping for some fun silliness. But what we got was quite possibly the VERY worse film i have ever seen!!!

The cover looks cool, but what you get is boring and misleading. A "pirate" film, no not really...sure there is a pirate in it, but just one, and he is on screen for a whole 5 or 6 minutes..the dialog is redundant annoying and horrible.

Bad acting
Bad writing
Bad direction
Bad everything

For thier own sakes I hope that anyone involved with this film changed their names in the credits, because there is no excuse for a film like this to EVER get released.

Honestly, I do like and often enjoy, low-budget fare..but come on...I would rather be anally raped in a maximun security jail than sit through this trash again

Shame on you to the filmmakers who just stole my $5 rental fee.

Most of the time I always like B Movies.However this one was one I disliked,it had poor acting and the pirate in the movie was horrible.Thank god I didnt spend no more then a buck for it and even then that was to much.

I watched the movie tonight, and I would say it is a cross between a reality show and a zombie film. It is a decent low budget film, but not great. I thought the main character, the pirate was a bit weak, they should have picked an actor with more screen presence. The plot was easy enough to follow, in fact it made me think of a Sci-Fy channel film done on a super low budget. I may have been too generous with the third star, but I recommend it because it is fun. I would call it a C film not a B film as well. Hey I paid less than a dollar for it here. It was well worth the money. Get some popcorn and some frozen pizza and a soda and watch it on some night.

I already see that others have properly given this travesty a good lashing, and yet I feel compelled to warn future viewers a bit more. Yes, that's a pretty cover on that dvd case, and the skull picture on the disc itself is kind of cool, and that's about it. I always lower my expectations of "certain" movies, and that way I'm not too disappointed, but this one was a painful experience that leaves me grasping for a single positive moment in this colossal waste of time.

I am fortunate that I did not plunk my hard-earned five dollars to rent this, and if you intend to wait for it to be cheaper, don't bother. I'd pay money to get this 88 minutes of my life back. Those four chicks in bikinis aren't worth it - you can see better stuff on network television, so don't use that as an excuse. There was one person in a voodoo ritual whose real name is Putty Tat, so that got my attention, and one line of dialogue ("I wish I had more time to spend with you") that was absolutely hysterical in that context. I don't know why, I just know that the Significant Other and I burst out laughing at that one (but it's not worth watching the whole movie to hear it, really.)

So, I see that this treasure is up for sale for the whopping price of 33 cent but
then there's postage, so you shouldn't bother. Well, maybe you should if you're the homeowner who let this crowd film in your backyard on the beach, but that's it. No other exceptions.

Crossbones (Daniel Zirilli, 2005)

I have seen some very, very bad movies over the course of my life. The very worst of them I have not been able to finish watching. The best thing I can say about Crossbones is that I did not turn it off in the middle.

The plot, what little of it there is: A director and his bubbleheaded girlfriend take six young-and-beautifuls out to a desert island for a reality show. (You may get a small amount of amusement out of the fact that three of the actors here did, in fact, appear on reality YV shows-- Jessie Camacho on Survivor, Maria Santos on Temptation Island, and Hardy-Ames Hill on Big Brother. I, unfortunately, did not know this until after I saw the movie.) While there, they raise a bloodthirsty pirate who's under a blood curse (and the scene in which said pirate is put under said curse is so nakedly offensive I'm amazed the movie was released intact), who sets about the business of all immortal pirates, which is killing people and recovering his long-buried booty. Of course. There is a minor, painfully ill-handled, love-story subplot between the two alpha Y-and-Bs that can be safely ignored.

I'm relatively sure I put this on the list of movies I wanted to see this year solely because the director's name begins with Z, and I was looking to hit every letter of the alphabet. (Note, if you attempt the same thing: there do not seem to be any directors in the history of filmdom whose last names begin with X. Not even in China.) It certainly couldn't have been because I heard good reviews; I've been looking, and there aren't any. In fact, I'd have to say this is the worst-reviewed movie I've ever come across. I haven't even found a single positive comment from the entire IMDB peanut gallery as relates to this mess of a movie. And all of these people, from the professional critics to the occasional commenters who see three movies a year, are absolutely correct. This movie is relentlessly, brutally, mind-shatteringly awful in every possible way. The acting is atrocious, the production values are lower than microbudget, the direction is wooden, the script could have been thought up in an hour and a half by two ten-year-olds on a sterno binge (though they would have added some welcome nudity, probably), the special effects are anything but special. I have to give it grudging respect for the sound transfer being better-mixed than most big-budget Hollywood blockbusters, but upon reflection that could be because there's so little foley work in this movie that there's really nothing to screw up in the remixing of the soundtrack. If ever there were a movie that deserved zero stars, Crossbones is it. (zero)