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This mess starts off with the long, boring story detailing the origin of the villain of this film; the short guy with the dirty beard who runs around with a knife. He is supposed to be some evil, immortal pirate who kills anybody who:
a. is in his field of vision, especially if you are wearing a skimpy bikini (I've never really found hoochies cut up and covered in their own blood attractive - obviously the director has this fetish)
b. tries to steal his treasure (all pirates have treasures to guard - Arrrgh!)
c. tries to prevent him from recovering his treasure (he lost it when he was imprisoned many years ago, before he became immortal. Arrrgh!)
The victims are a group of idiots who are participating in a "Survivor"-type show. They all decide to frolic on this short killer's island.
What really shocked me about this poorly filmed, cheap D-grade movie was the incredibly racist portrayal of one of the pirate's victims - a rap star of course. All this guy needed was a Watermellon and a bucket of chicken. It was much worse than Coolio's "performance" in Dracula 3000.
Skip this one at all costs.
The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.
I have seen some very, very bad movies over the course of my life. The very worst of them I have not been able to finish watching. The best thing I can say about Crossbones is that I did not turn it off in the middle.
The plot, what little of it there is: A director and his bubbleheaded girlfriend take six young-and-beautifuls out to a desert island for a reality show. (You may get a small amount of amusement out of the fact that three of the actors here did, in fact, appear on reality YV shows-- Jessie Camacho on Survivor, Maria Santos on Temptation Island, and Hardy-Ames Hill on Big Brother. I, unfortunately, did not know this until after I saw the movie.) While there, they raise a bloodthirsty pirate who's under a blood curse (and the scene in which said pirate is put under said curse is so nakedly offensive I'm amazed the movie was released intact), who sets about the business of all immortal pirates, which is killing people and recovering his long-buried booty. Of course. There is a minor, painfully ill-handled, love-story subplot between the two alpha Y-and-Bs that can be safely ignored.
I'm relatively sure I put this on the list of movies I wanted to see this year solely because the director's name begins with Z, and I was looking to hit every letter of the alphabet. (Note, if you attempt the same thing: there do not seem to be any directors in the history of filmdom whose last names begin with X. Not even in China.) It certainly couldn't have been because I heard good reviews; I've been looking, and there aren't any. In fact, I'd have to say this is the worst-reviewed movie I've ever come across. I haven't even found a single positive comment from the entire IMDB peanut gallery as relates to this mess of a movie.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
THIS AT BEST A D MOVIE IF THERE IS SUCH A RATING. THE COLOR IS WASHED OUT AND THE FILM ITS IS BLURRY. THE ACTING
IS HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL. PLEASE GIVE THIS MOVIE A MISS
Although I didn't purchase this movie from Amazon I felt I could possibly save others from wasting their money. Read morePublished on October 21, 2013 by Fredrick
Most of the time I always like B Movies.However this one was one I disliked,it had poor acting and the pirate in the movie was horrible. Read morePublished on January 12, 2012 by willie
I watched the movie tonight, and I would say it is a cross between a reality show and a zombie film. It is a decent low budget film, but not great. Read morePublished on December 24, 2011 by Robert B
I already see that others have properly given this travesty a good lashing, and yet I feel compelled to warn future viewers a bit more. Read morePublished on October 10, 2009 by Zephyr
the interesting thing about this movie is that the lead female and male actors aren't nearly as interesting and good actors as the side characters. Read morePublished on September 12, 2005 by K Ellich
I thought it was a good movie, dont know why everyone else is dissin' it.Published on September 12, 2005 by Erin Eads
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