Customer Reviews

Cutoffs: How Family Members Who Sever Relationships Can Reconnect

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Estrangements are common and a compelling problem and few books or articles seriously address the issue. I bought Netzer's book hoping to find a realistic road map for both healing estrangements--and living with them when there is no alternative. She seems so hell bent on getting people back in contact at all costs that she fails to recognize that there are sometimes legitimate reasons not to close those gaps. She doesn't seem to realize--or perhaps thinks it impossible--that sometimes estrangement IS the well-adjusted, healthy choice. The "case studies" are simplistic and unrealistic; overall, I found the book very disappointing. Don't bother. Check out, instead, "The Forgiving Self," by Robert Karen--which does a somewhat better job addressing the topic.

I found that this book was mainly a long account of the author's observations of people who "cut off" from family members for reasons associated with divorce or adoption. Therefore it was not particularly helpful to me in my situation.
There was little-to-NO help or history about real reconciliation or mutual forgiveness.
However it was helpful to read of the mind-set of some of the young women who did the cutting-off;
a. their need to feel powerful or "in control" of their environment.
b. their self-absorbed attitude which denies the effect of their actions on others.

The writer, who suffered cutoffs by both her mother and her daughter, doesn't see the part she played
in these estrangements. There's pathological labelling of the "estrangers" who pull away, and sympathy and respect for the "estrangees"
who are devastated by the withdrawals, but not a lot of insight. In my view, cutoffs often occur between the family's
"bull in the china shop" types and "fragile flowers" who have trouble speaking their truth and getting the "bulls" to honor or accept their sensitivities.
The flowers end up nursing and collecting grudges; the bulls justify, explain, invade and defend but don't listen. These breakdowns are two-way streets, and if you want to maintain or rebuild bonds with the fragile flowers, it helps to look at your own behaviors. If you are a "bull in the china shop type," I recommend "Make Peace with Anyone" as a more
helpful starting point.