Customer Reviews

Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I have NEVER been a person who believed that a self-help book could change your life. But this one changed mine! I read this book years ago (I am buying it now for a friend). I was in my 30's and I was still intimidated by my mother's manipulation. This book made me slap my forehead and say to myself "why on earth have I put up with this for so long???!! If ever a book liberated me, this book did. It showed me that it takes two to tango. If I didn't like the way my mother acted, there wasn't much I could do to change her behavior. However, I COULD change the way I responded - I could refuse to "dance the dance." For any adult who feels intimated or bullied by a parent, this is the book to read. Highly recommended!

This book helped me get a clearer understanding about my chronically unhappy parents' controlling, manipulative behavior. This book helped me devise some good management strategies for dealing with my parents and facing up to my inaccurate belief, learned from my parents and then cultivated by me, that maybe I was really was the cause of their misery and thus kind of owed them whatever they wanted out of me, no matter how costly to me. Bottom line: Give up all expectation that your parents--or other family members and friends--will EVER change in their lifetimes, even in the face of terminal illness and dying. In the statistically unlikely event that they do change, it's because they want to do the work of changing for themselves, not because any of us has (or should rightfully possess) the power to change others. In the meantime, the only thing any of us can control is our own reaction to our unhappy parents' behavior, including the ongoing decision about whether to spend any further time with them on their terms, our own terms, or somewhere in the middle. Good luck, be firm and kind and clear, and be mindful of the fact that it is your life to live and manage--not theirs. If they're miserable, that is a very sad and hard thing to see in one's parents, but it is their problem, not yours.

This book has hits the nail on the head when explaining why a controling,manipulative,self destructive parent behaves in the manner that they do. It also attempts to explian why and how the child participates in this song and dance. It also gives good advice on how to break the cycle and move forward to a more productive parent/child relationship or the reasons when and why you should end the relationship. All this is clearly written and easy to follow. What I liked most was the compassion and point blank honesty that is directed at the parents part and the childs part. I AGREE WITH THE AUTHOR THAT THE FAMILY RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE PRESERVED YET NOT TO ALL COSTS.

I read Cutting Loose when I was ready to do so. I am thrilled that this author took the time to help people like me. By explaining what makes families dysfunctional and what options I have stop the song and dance... I was able to make tough decisions so that I don't repeat those behaviors and be a better mother who is more in tune with my children's individual needs. it takes a lot of courage and effort to switch the gears of family dynamics without the support of family members or society.

I gave it four stars because there were two chapters I skipped because it didn't apply to me. However, this author answered all of my questions and helped me make one of the most important decisions of my life. A decision that can't be made lightly and can't take back. I can already see the benefits of my decisions to cut loose from my unhealthy ties to my family member. My husband and children immediately positively responded to the changes within me. My sense of humor has returned. I'm enjoying the hobbies/interests that I was discouraged to do by my parents. I am happily motivated again to tackle the things that I was avoiding for so long. Life is no longer passing me by and I feel like this is just the beginning.

I know it sounds cliche but this book really did save my life.

I have struggled for years to deal with very "ill" parents. My mom was raised with a severe alcoholic and was very abusive to me. I have been through years of counseling. I have a great husband and two adorable children. I am educated. I could never put my mom behind me-it was always there. Should I call? Should I see them? Am I bad? This book literally changed me. It changed my life and help free me...I am adult...

If we know what's holding us, then there is a good chance we can get loose.

Parents for some reason want to hold on and strangle the future of their children. Maybe because they didn't always want us around; maybe for some parents never wanting us from the beginning.

Cruel Statement you say, well I don't think so.

The passages in his book seem like he was right there with me. These statements made by Halpern are not just once in awhile in his book, but all too often.

It puts the problem where it belongs and points us in the right direction.

This knowledge is a way of cutting loose of their strong hold, once and for all.

After exposure to these writings it is very difficult to turn back, very difficult to make excuses anymore. I'd say almost impossible. You end up knowing why these things happened and where to start.

Good luck.

One personal comment: The talk of this book has been too little. Not enough people read it.

We heard it said that if I knew this years before, my life would be so much better.

If you read this to the last chapter then years no longer need to be wasted.

take care - steve write to regalman@usa.net

The book was very complete since it included mostly every parental abusive situation from moralistic parents to unavailable to self-centered and controlling. However, the solutions given for children to address the damage done to them is over-simplified and puts the responsibility of understanding back on to the child. Every chapter has an explanation of the type of behavor and goes on to indicate how it is the child in the parent who is really reponding to his/her child or adult child. To solve the hurt and enmeshment with the parent, the adult-child must now see the child in the parent when the dysfunctional behavior takes place and everything will be okay. Also, Halpern chooses a parent for each behavior. For example, the unavailable "father" and the controlling "father." Perhpas the domineering, controlling person is the "mother." This adjudication makes it harder to see since I must substitute one for the other throughout full chapters.

I think this is the best self help book for dealing with controlling parents. In fact, it's a good book for most situations between you and your parents.

The book like others is contained with patient stories. But this book has strategies on how to deal with controlling parents and includes success stories.

My recommendation of this book is long overdue.... I read it nearly 20 years ago and still recommend it to people. This book gave me the answer to choosing to love my family - through compassion. Who would have thought.... we have a choice to dance the dance or walk away. Either way, we are in control of our own lives. As my mom (who was the one who recommended the book to me!) says, "It is my turn to live my life now. She (my mom) as already lived hers...."
I can honestly say that this book helped me stay as close and connected to all my family members as I am now, twenty years later. I'll be sure to give it to my three kids when they need it....

Has helped me and so many people I know to really individualize as adults and to understand the dynamics and patterns that are created and that we live by with our adult parents.