Customer Reviews

Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

Cutting Loose is not a "how-to" manual for women who are contemplating divorce (although it does have helpful information in it), nor is it a book designed to encourage women to initiate divorce. Rather, it is an extremely well-written commentary on the changing roles of marriage and divorce in our society today. Ms. Applewhite explores, with sensitivity, the issues that have led to divorce for a number of women, and how difficult it is, in almost all cases, for the woman to make the choice to leave. She also explores the many and varied feelings that go along with making that decision, many of which are brought on by the pressure of societal views, and what people still see as "right" or "normal", even in these days of supposed equal rights for women. This book took a very tough subject and explored it in great depth. Although it made me sad at times, overall I found this book very affirming and ultimately uplifting, as I read about others in similar situations as mine. I would recommend this book to anyone, married, unmarried, male or female, who is interested in exploring marriage and gaining some insight into why it doesn't always work. And for those of us who initiated our divorces, it's comforting to know we're not out there alone

CUTTING LOOSE takes a fresh, and certainly controversial, look at divorce, incorporating advice, helpful information, and uplifting and honest narratives from fifty or so women who left their husbands. These women are not weighed down by guilt and regret and rightfully so, because clearly they, like many women who divorce, did not take their decision lightly. Many spent months, even years, weighing the consequences before ending their relationships, often consulting a therapist for guidance (while many of their husbands refused marriage counseling). No wonder that despite the pain, the guilt, and sometimes heavy financial losses, these women are doing so well. Moreover, so are their kids. As Applewhite points out, divorce doesn't devastate children; neglectful and inadequate parenting does, and that can exist in intact families. It's about time women in bad marriages had a book that shows them that divorce can be a positive experience in the long run for them, their children, even their husbands.

What a refreshing, positive view of a difficult subject.
--Nancy Darrow, well-adjusted child of divorce!

I was not going to write a reader-review of this book, but I find the most recent reviewer so far from my own opinion that I guess it is time to ante up. To me, this book is wise, it is funny, it performs the amazing task of weaving a multitude of histories (which vary wonderfully in terms of class, race, and culture) into a coherent theme-driven narrative, which makes it so much easier for the reader and so much more useful, which is probably more important. The author has done a tremendous amount of research yet wears it so lightly it is practically invisible; it simply informs the work and gives it a strength and legitimacy that it probably has needed to defend itself in this insane world in which we live.

There are some beautiful sentences in it. And I am a short sentence fan, so I don't mean Gorgeous-fancy, I mean gorgeous-gorgeous.

I might also mention that although I thought of (and have recommended it to) several friends who have been through or who are going through tough divorces, I am currently doing just fine with my marriage. And I really don't understand why the reviewer felt the author hadn't had a good relationship. I thought it was clear that the marriage she left was in many ways, early on, a good thing, and that her current relationship is healthy and moving along well.

Here is a personal note, however: So one night when I was about 2/3 of the way through, my husband asks me How's that DIVORCE book you're reading and I found myself saying, Actually, you would probably identify with a lot of these disgruntled women when you think of the marriage YOU left. Because he always says he was least like himself when he was married to his first wife (who remains a good friend to us both). I thought it was yet another measure of the book's wiseness that so many of the central issues, although certainly they applied most often to women, also could apply to men.

I couldn't think of anything more the author should have done, anything she should have done less of, or any way to make the book better than it is. It is just wonderful. It is an interesting book and document about American life and it is an invaluable text for women (or men for that matter) who are at some stage in that inevitably painful process of separating from the person they thought they would share everything with, forever. It made me think about marriage and my marriage and the marriages I know, and it helped me think about them constructively and yet with a certain toughness. A good gift, in both sense of the word.

The book jacket for Cutting Loose says it's "a timely and encouraging companion for any woman contemplating divorce." True enough, but I would add that it is compelling reading for anyone interested in the changing face of marriage in America, both women AND men. (Just for the record, I myself have been married for 22 years and am not contemplating divorce; I nevertheless found this book a "good read.")

These days, you can find the catch-phrases"post-feminism" and "return to family values" everywhere. Reading Cutting Loose makes it clear that far from getting BEYOND feminism, we have trouble getting TO equality for women in that most intimate relationship, marriage. As the women interviewed in Cutting Loose recount their reasons for seeking a divorce, the evidence that woman today often remain second-class citizens in the world of the family piles up. These women have experienced diverse methods of control, from physical and psychological abuse, to belittlement of their abilities and accomplishments, from financial control to competitive jealousy. Some admit to partial complicity in sustaining such marriages. Moving through guilt, fear, and the gender expectations that had crippled their own souls, they speak of "getting their lives back" and reclaiming themselves as strong, independent beings.

I was astounded that every woman, to a person, wanted out of her marriage because of the damage it had done to her sense of self or to her physical safety--so much so that I wrote to the author and asked whether she had specifically looked for women with this type of complaint. No one wanted out because he wasn't good in bed, or because she had just grown tired of him....Ms. Applewhite replied that she had NOT sought a specific response. Men might do themselves a favor by reading about the REAL reasons women seek divorce!

There is practical advice but this isn't a dry "how-to." It lets divorcing women hear from women who've made it through and are doing just fine, and lets the women tell how they got to that point. For those men and women who are determined to struggle through the flashpoints of marriage together, trying to build a relationship based on equality and mutual respect, the book can serve as a reminder of the areas they need to consider and negotiate.

Today, if divorcing women aren't depicted as pernicious destroyers of "family values" they are sometimes pictured as pitiful victims. Some women are less secure financially after divorce, and some must struggle economically, but Cutting Loose makes it clear that many divorced women are much happier in their new status and would not choose to go back to their former marriages. Whether or not they remain single, remarry again with fewer illusions, or become partners in longterm relationships, they describe themselves with terms such as proud, happy, independent, competent, responsible. "My life is my own again," one says. "It's worth it," says another. A third gives the advice, "Go on with your life. Give yourself a chance to be happy. And don't marry the same schmuck again."

Our couples counsellor recommended this book to me soon after I made the decision to divorce. It gave me a fresh outlook at a time when I really needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. The book also inspired me to think about the future and all the good things that can come out of confronting and subsequently leaving an unfulfilling relationship.

As the Bob named in CUTTING LOOSE, who has been in a deeply satisfying relationship with Ashton Applewhite for nearly 15 years, I was startled to learn from these reviews that "the author has not had a decent relationship in her life" and even more so to find out that that "the author is now living her life with her female partner . . . promoting a lesbian lifestyle." It's also noteworthy that two other negative reviews (out of a total of five) come from someone who hasn't read the book and someone who recommends his own competing title. If they'd comment on CUTTING LOOSE without bias, they would acknowledge that the author blames the difficulty of achieving a satisfying and egalitarian marriage not on men, but on a society that values men's and women's experiences very differently.

Every woman unhappy in her marriage or contemplating divorce should read this book but so should all married men. The latter may or may not see themselves in the story telling and personal experiences of others that the author uses to delve into relationships gone wrong, but those who do may become aware, perhaps in the nick of time, of behaviors on both sides of the fence that could either foreshadow or lead to an untying of the knot. The book is not a blame game treatise. Nor is it an intellectual exercise of theories and sociological mumbo jumbo. It is a book of real stories from real people, including the author, who are painfully honest about their experiences and feelings. While statistical and historical references provide the reader a dose of reality, the meat comes from those who were willing to bare their souls.

This book has truly been a life-saver to me. Not only did it detail the reasons for leaving and the steps to leaving, it explained the emotions and shared wonderful examples / stories. It also gave me a great deal of hope for a happy and fulfilling (single) life.

Whenever I started feeling down or questioned whether divorcing my husband was the right choice, I came back to this book. In a matter of minutes, I was back on track and feeling confident in my decision.

This book was a hand-me-down from a friend who read it during her divorce. I have now passed it on to another friend and highly recommend it to any woman in the process of separating or even contemplating a separation.

When I found this book, I had read so many others since my divorce a year ago -- what I was NOT looking for was yet another book full of anecdotes and others' experiences with 'un-coupling', or about the inspiration of change/divorce/mid-life evolution, etc. Instead, this work is refreshingly frank, research-based information about the realities of women on their own. I felt uplifted by facts and actuality, rather than boosted on the wings of another 'self-help' book. I felt as though this book validated my situation and fueled my aspirations. At the time, I was feeling 'haunted' by the past and daunted by the future as well -- I plan to re-read it very soon -- and pass it along to others.

The world is full of books about how to keep a bad relationship together. Only a few, including Applewhite's Cutting Loose, give support to those of us who've learned the long, hard way that bad relationships almost never turn around. No amount of effort, commitment, counseling or teeth-gritting can undo the dynamic that being married seems to impose. Post-divorce, people make all kinds of healthy changes, but most, damn it, lack the know-how, strength and esp. desire to make themselves over for the sake of their marriage. If we can't save our marriages, we can end them, and we should. We can make better lives for ourselves, be healthier examples for our children, and possibly find ourselves in new relationships of the sort we tried and failed to cultivate in our marriages. I found Applewhite's book hopeful, helpful, honest and incredibly brave. Don't miss it.