Customer Reviews

The DNA of Relationships

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In The DNA of Relationships, Christian author and seminar leader Dr. Gary Smalley offers solutions to some of the key problems that couples face in their marriages. He offers his book as a response to the high rate of failure among marriages in North America. He notes that the divorce rate among Christians equals that of non-Christians.

Although Dr. Gary Smalley authors the book, he draws on the expertise, lessons and experience of his family and associates that are involved in the Smalley Marriage Institute and Smalley Relationship Center. His sons, Michael and Dr. Greg Smalley, along with associate Robert Paul, contribute heavily to the substance of the book. The wisdom learned about marriages from marriage seminars called Marriage Intensives conducted by the Smalley Marriage Institute provide the foundation for the themes of the book.

Dr. Smalley claims that certain recurring patterns in marriages undermine the quality of the relationship and can devastate the marriage. He calls the most destructive pattern the fear dance. Dr. Smalley writes that this is a destructive dance that couples routinely act out due to core fears influencing their actions. Identifying and eliminating the fear dance becomes a primary goal for couples.

Another lesson that Dr. Smalley teaches is that the apparent problem for couples is rarely the real problem. He advises couples to look beyond the surface and the arguments to the feelings behind the words. This is a process that he suggests will contribute to better communications and fewer arguments between spouses.

Readers will learn what Dr. Smalley calls the "power of one." He writes that individuals must learn the power of their own choices, including choices about thoughts, feelings and actions within a relationship. The power of one includes the responsibility to care for oneself and to take charge of one's life-not giving up one's choice for happiness and fulfillment to another person.

He encourages couples to create a safe environment where both spouses are able to share openly, to be secure and comforted. Effective communication requires a safe, welcoming environment, claims Dr. Smalley, and this leads to an energetic and vibrant relationship.

An important principle Dr. Smalley teaches in the book involves a win-win attitude within a relationship. He encourages spouses to never see themselves as on different teams against one another, because a marriage or family is one team. The only desirable outcome is for everyone to win. Dr. Smalley argues that within a marriage if one partner loses an argument, for example, both spouses still end up losers in the situation.

Throughout The DNA of Relationships, Dr. Smalley uses many examples from his marriage and his associates' marriages. For every major point he makes, he offers several illustrative and practical examples for the reader.

Perhaps the most influential chapter in the book is the final chapter in which Dr. Smalley recounts his heart attack and near-death experience that gave him a keen and greater appreciation for the value of relationships. In this chapter, as in the others, Dr. Smalley reminds readers of the importance of their relationship with God.

By virtue of his many books, videos and speaking engagements, Gary Smalley has gained a nationwide reputation as a "relationship expert."

Early on in this latest book, he explains its title. We are all created with a certain "relationship DNA code . . . made up of three simple yet profound strands: 1. You are made for relationships. 2. You are made with the capacity to choose. 3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself."

But the book quickly moves to a different metaphor, of a relational dance in which one's steps or moves are predicated by one's fears. The anecdote introducing this metaphor is about husband and wife "Dan and Celeste." Precariously unemployed Dan has just received an out-of-state job offer, but Celeste vehemently resists moving away from her friends and extended family. The "surface problem" or conflict is about whether they stay or go. But "the external problem is rarely the real problem." Rather, conflicts are usually rooted in core fears: for women, usually some variation of fear of disconnection; for men, "of helplessness or feeling controlled."

The rest of the book explains how to "break the rhythm of the Fear Dance" by taking responsibility for oneself and learning "new dance steps." Though the strategies apply to any close relationship, the major intent is improving marital dynamics.

Like Smalley's previous books, THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS is engaging, largely because he sprinkles his teaching points with anecdotes in which he presents himself as the jerk who has taken years to learn lessons he wants to pass along; the "relationship expert" is just a regular guy. His style is also evident in this book's clear outline; for example, chapter 4, "The Power of One: Take Personal Responsibility" includes "six steps to take control of your emotions and reactions to life." For extra measure, each chapter ends with a one-page "One-Minute Review" of the major points.

An appendix titled "Identify Your Core Fear" contains a six-part questionnaire, helpful to anyone looking for insight into how and why a particular person gets under your skin. And buried in chapter 10 is mention of a free book study guide and a "relationship evaluation test, which we have found to be 90 percent accurate with married couples," both available at www.thednaofrelationships.com.

The voice throughout THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS is vintage Gary. (Lest you forget, his name unnecessarily is printed at the top of every left page.) But the title page lists three co-authors: his two sons, Greg and Michael, and Robert Paul, "who developed much of the original concepts." In working with these men --- what they call the "Relationship Revolution Team" --- Gary looks to the future, challenging the younger generation to catch the vision to reverse the distressing trend that born-again Christians have a higher divorce rate than agnostics.

--- Reviewed by Evelyn Bence

I thought this would be a really stupid marriage book when our church started this study (and I'm single so I didn't want a stupid marriage study), but I have really enjoyed the videos, the book, and the downloadable study guide. I decided to take the study seriously and discovered this book is a practical guide to how to make ANY relationship better. The review at the end of each chapter is a quick way to refresh your mind on the main points of what the previous chapter taught.

The quiz at the end of the book is great and helps you to identify your core fears - what sets you off in what Smalley calls the "Fear Dance," when you have conflicts with others. Each conflict boils down to one of two core fears - fear of loss of connection, or fear of loss of control. Women usually have the first fear, and men the second, though there is overlap. ALL fears we have boil down to one of these two.

I have learned that I need to take responsibility for my buttons and allowing people to push them (the chapter "The Power of One"). No one can make me do or feel anything.

This book has also forced me to take a hard look at myself and how I treat others, and whether I have created an environment where they feel safe to share their heart with me.

The book is easy to read, and the exercises really make you think. My ex and I are going through this book with our pastor to see if there's any hope of reconciling and so far it's helped us realize all the things we did wrong in our marriage and why. It's helping us to take the focus off who's to blame and refocusing on what's the right thing to do. We're about 2/3 of the way through the book so we haven't finished it yet, but I expect the rest of it will be as helpful as what we've already covered. I'd recommend this book for anyone considering a serious relationship, in the middle of a relationship, or trying to rebuild one. It does a good job of covering them all.

This book is probably the best book written to assist men in relationships. The advice is practical and simply stated. Psycho-babble is completely absent. The author draws heavily on his personal mistakes and this makes the advice easier to receive. It may bring a tear, but is not sappy. I am buying this for all my family and friends.

The advice is written from a Christian perspective, but the religion does not play a pivotal role.

My former pastor recommended this book three months ago. I purchased it and read the first two chapters and put it down to "work on my marriage." My marriage continued to stall and I went into counseling. The therapist mentioned this book, and I told her I already had it but never finished it. I started to read it again and could have kicked myself, since I had this resource at least three months prior. This book is very straight forward and easy to understand. While the concepts are "deep," the author is able to explain the principles in common sense language while sharing personal experiences.

The exercises help the reader identify the motives behind their actions while offering constructive suggestions on how to remediate or deal with them. While the author is a Christian, it is not preachy and the concepts can stand on their own merits, as they are commmon sense.

This book is foundational to understanding oneself and should not be viewed as a cure all since one of its most important conepts reveals that the reader must take responsibility for his or her own actions, buttons, and belief systems. I would recommend it to anyone who is seriously interested in cultivating healthy relationships.

I've read a lot of books on relationships, but I think this one is the best by far - a unique approach, something I've never heard before, but it sure makes sense. The premise is that we get into a "dance" pattern in our relationships which is detrimental, but it can easily be changed if we just recognize what's really happening. It's been a great help to me, so much so that I have recommended it to several of my family members and friends who have purchased the book for themselves and have not been disappointed. The one copy I loaned out never returned!

If your relationship is in trouble . . . Start here! This is a good book to help you compartmentalize your relationship. What is the foundation ? What is the problem? How can we improve it? A good read . . .

This book is over the top! It is sooo practical and do-able. EVERYONE needs to read this book. After I read mine, I ordered ten more to give to friends and family--no special occasions,just because it is so great. I've never done that with any other book before. Great for parents, couples, singles, engaged couples, grandparents, and older children!! GREAT!

I thoroughly enjoyed the book and the many examples included.
The DNA of relationships is
1. You are made for relationships.
2. You are made with the capacity to choose.
3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself.
Each of these is obvious, but we need to be constantly reminded.
I particularly enjoyed his discussions on the fear dance.