Customer Reviews

Dance of Deception: Pretending and Truth-Telling in Women's Lives

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Though this book is not new, I just discovered it. Having read it, I now take a different perspective on how 'honest' I am, and how I can approach more honesty - in healthy ways - in all of my relationships. I am not the typical image of 'feminism', in the negative ways the word has come to represent, but I do know that being a woman is an experience to be conscious of. Though it has a heavy feminist bent, one of the best things about this book is that it addresses more than just women's concerns. It tackles the many ways that we all deceive ourselves, and those we come into contact with. It addresses the issues of secrecy within families, 'faking' orgasm, playing out the scripts that we are given for life, and the important distinction between pretending and lying. I appreciated the suggestions about laying groundwork with others before approaching hard truths, and the concept of 'trying on' a different behavior in order to find out where our truths really are.

As a fair assessment, I would say that it takes a while to get into the style or format of the book. It's not laid out in sequential order, so it took a few chapters to get totally engrossed. But the case studies, and her responses, rang true so many times, that I got to the point of almost being late for work because I couldn't put it down.

I am married and work in a small non-profit with 3 men. I've shared several of my discoveries from the book with them, and had meaningful discussions with all. My ED even photocopied a few pages to share with his wife - another testimony to the concepts presented. You do need to be ready to read the book with an open attitude toward your own behaviors and ways of dealing with others. It's not always easy to admit to things we do, but don't want to claim. I would recommend this to anyone trying to sort out the best path to a whole, healthy, happy life.

Full disclosure: I'm a guy, and I read this book at a time when, in my early 20's, I was trying to understand, and come to grips with, my perception that several of my relationships with women (some strictly platonic, some not) were crippled by a certain lack of honesty. So feel free to discount my reaction to this book by whatever degree you feel appropriate, based on the perspective I brought to it. That said, I was disappointed and frustrated by what I found to be Lerner's somewhat shallow and defensive treatment of the topic. I'm oversimplifying a bit, but Lerner's basic philosophy, as presented in the book, seems to be: Dishonesty is often a good thing because not sharing hurtful truths can help you avoid hurting someone's feelings. E.g., not telling a friend that you think certain behavior patterns are harmful or unpleasant serves the "greater truth" that you nevertheless care about her and think she's a good person. Therefore, Lerner suggests, women who deceive the other people in their lives often aren't "really" lying, they're just being kind. Lerner doesn't really confront the ultimately circular nature of this argument. Nor does she provide any reasoned way of distinguishing between innocuous applications of this "if you mean well, it isn't really a lie" approach and more problematic ones. Telling a friend that you really like her disastrous new haircut, about which she's feeling self-conscious and vulnerable, is one thing. Not telling her that you've been deliberately excluding her from certain social situations because your other friends find her manipulative or overly critical is something else entirely. Nor does Lerner, IMHO, deal meaninfully with the question of whether deception that we rationalize on the grounds that it protects a friend from unpleasantness is not often, in reality, an attempt to protect ourselves from the emotional messiness of communicating hard truths. These aren't easy issues, and I don't claim to know the "truth", or even that there is a single correct approach to dealing with them. But I was disappointed by Lerner's failure to grapple honestly with them.

Wow. I consider myself to be a truthful, honest person. I hate liars and hypocrites more than I hate anything else in the world. So I had to take a really deep breath and really THINK when I finally woke up to the idea that truth and honesty are not always what they should be. I took a good, long, ugly look at myself and realized that I use truth as a weapon, rather than as a tool. I am not always honest with people because I want to create a better relationship. I am sometimes honest just to be hurtful, to shock people, or to get attention away from whoever is monopolizing the conversation at the moment. Hm. Ugly!

The problematic relationship (s) in my life are like cans. I can pick up a big ol' truth-sledgehammer and knock the heck out of that can, or I can use truth gently, like a can opener and let that can open up and get to what's inside.

One option gives me the satisfaction of 'letting so and so have it' because I'm darn tired of biting my tongue and pretending that things are OK when they're NOT. And the other option lets me be honest, but gives the other person (the can) the chance of telling truth back to me, too.

The feminist rhetoric falls short, as it always does with me. If you don't want to hang out in the kitchen and pop out babies, for heaven's sake, DON'T. But don't blame men if that's what you decide to do with your life and then change your mind later. Don't you think men change their minds about wanting to be married daddies sometimes, too? There is too much blaming going on. People need to own their lives. If you know your situation is messed up, you know enough to change it.

Also, the whole thing about minorities and tokens rings very false when Lerner presents the statistic in her final chapter that women actually outnumber men in the world. So, hello? How can we consider to whine and consider ourselves a token or a minority when we are numerically superior? I don't really get that at all.

Anyway. 4 stars. It's an eye-opener!

Harriet Lerner has long been writing books that are both insightful and accessible. In 'The Dance of Deception' she has achieved something miraculous: she has written a book that can help you reconnect with estranged family members and friends, improve your rapport with your children, no matter their age, and, perhaps most importantly, help alleviate the pain that deception has caused you in your own life. I have suffered greatly because of family secrets and have also struggled recently to communicate with my loved ones about painful topics. This book has served as an indispensable guide through these difficult processes and has helped me emerge a stronger, happier person. I am greatly indebted to Harriet Lerner. And I firmly believe the world is a better place for having her in it!!

I bought The Dance of Anger while going through a divorce and it was such a definitivelty written, clear, concise, and useful book that I read it twice. I was hoping another book in the series would prove just as powerful for me but was very dissapointed. While the Anger book outlines a way of looking at how we let anger rule our lives, the Deception book seemed to be a meandering quest to identify what does and does not constitute deception. Not useful as a self-help book, and not signigicant philosophically.

I also have the Dance of Anger and the Dance of Connection. The Dance of Deception is the first one that I read and I found it very enlightening. I have reread all 3 multiple times. They are all very good to have in your library to go back to when those issues come around again.

this book covers a huge amount of territory, and covers it well, but the chapter I found most helpful detailed the effects of intentional with-holding of an important truth that has direct impact on a child's identity. This 'with-holding' is not based on selfishness or malevolence, but perhaps because it is easier for the family to deal with the issue via avoidance, or because it is deemed in the best interest of the child, etc. I particularly like Lerner's emphasis on the good intentions and complexity behind many decision-processess that culminate in deception and with-holding of the truth.

I found this book particularly helpful because our family had an ethnic secret. My parents were torn on whether or not to keep this secret from me, and I am grateful to them for dropping a few hints, my father intentionally, my mother I'm not sure whether intentionally or unintentionally - so that eventually I was able to figure it out. Lerner spoke to me through this book, and understood my issues with this situation more than any of the people I have actually told about it! (including my therapist, although she has been great, too, in her own way.)

The ethnic secret, especially in today's world, is really no big deal - but the effect the secret-keeping had on me was to make me feel excluded within my own family. I know other people feel this way, too, for other reasons, but in my case a big part of the quasi-exclusion was the ethnic issue. When I uncovered this secret, I felt very much alone, since it is not any of the more well-known and well-acknowledged ethnic problems, so people often seem more perplexed than sympathetic when I 'share.' The issue of truth in intimate relationships is the real hub of the matter. I feel that sometimes people focus too much on the racial issues and not enough on the effect on me of the 'with-holding of truth,' in my opinion the core issue. Harriet Lerner made me feel so supported, and gave me wonderfully helpful insights into myself as well, through this book. Thank you, Harriet!

Easy to read style about complex issues. The author is well read and presents complex social theory and philosophy and dilemma with cases that demonstrate the theory . I learned a lot and my interpretation of events in my past has some what changed. I am also going over what my past behaviours and trying to understand them better. I guess only time will tell how this book impacts me in the future.

I couldn't stop reading this book. It gave me the courage to speak out to my family about a lot of difficult issues and to do it in a way that really worked. I love the author's honesty and how clear she is about very complicated questions of speaking out or being silent.

I think this is Harriet Lerner's best book. I has the clearest and most helpful chapter on family secrets that I've ever read. The chapter called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Orifice" is worth the price of the book. The chapter on affairs, even though controversial, should be helpful to all couples, especially if you think your partner will never cheat on you.