Customer Reviews

Dancing on Quicksand: A Gift of Friendship in the Age of Alzheimer's

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Marilyn Mitchell teaches us a compelling lesson. Regardless of a person's mental or physical condition, there are always means to express love, to exhibit respect, to offer support and to nurture. Mitchell always finds a way, in spite of David Touff's persistent slide into dementia. She captivates the reader as she recollects their "adventures" together. She encourages David to continue to savor the magnificence of life, in spite of his progressing disability, and in turn, he responds by dazzling her with his spontaneous moments of brilliant lucidity. The difficult challenges of life are recounted in their "dance" together, although she never fails to find grace in each hour she spends with him. This, in spite of the fact that during their eight years together, David has never recalled her name. Marilyn Mitchell teaches us about dignity and the grandeur of the human spirit. She is an inspiration. I didn't want this book to end.

A friend recommended this book to me, and after seeing what it was about, my first reaction was to pass. I was expecting a heavy and depressing memoir about caring for the aging. In fact, it's a sprightly and life-affirming story about the continuity of love. First of all, David Touff is no ordinary dementia patient. He has lived a remarkable life as a businessman, community leader, and world traveler, and his kindness, sense of humor, and vitality are keenly observed and vividly brought to life. Even more importantly, author Marilyn Mitchell is no ordinary caregiver. Mitchell was originally hired to provide "adventures" for David, and these adventures, which take place throughout the city of Denver, keep the narrative fluid and interesting. She repeatedly engages David with a remarkable zest and creativity that is both a lot of fun to read about and an outstanding example for people caring for a friend or relative suffering from dementia. Mitchell always gives David the benefit of the doubt, and where other people might dwell on what he can't do or remember, she always finds a surprising cogency and consistency with his core personality.

What emerges in the end is the story of an improbably intimate relationship between two very different people. Dementia is a disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I came away from this book less afraid of it than I used to be. I know now that love between two people can persist in the face of severe memory loss.

After reading this beautiful book, it stayed with me for days. I laughed, cried, and shuddered (see Riding the Light Rail vignette, page 64) but couldn't put it down. David's struggle with Alzheimer's validates my own mother's story and the challenges we had in finding good care for her. Even the title connected with me. My mother loved to dance and one of the dearest memories I have toward the end was dancing with her in the kitchen of the group home to "String of Pearls." How blessed David was to have Marilyn in this part of his life, and how blessed I feel having read their experience. What a gift she has for being so perceptive and seeing such love and beauty in human kind. Thank you Marilyn Mitchell for sharing that gift!

This is a story of life, love, friendship, respect, nuance and much more that will resonate with anyone caring for--or even knowing--an aging parent or friend, particularly those afflicted with dimentia. It's beautifully written, truthfully told. Marilyn Mitchell's insights into the many challenges of caregiving and the creative adventures and techniques she invented to help David Touff should be required reading for professional caregivers and medical personnel as well as families dealing with similar challenges.

Too often when a loved one loses some facility, such as memory with Alzheimer's, we mourn the loss of the individual instead of acknowledging and celebrating the positive attributes of personality still retained by the individual. Marilyn Mitchell does a superb job of continuing to recognize the incredible curiosity, intelligence and humor of David Touff despite his gradual loss of memory to Alzheimer's. I feel we could all apply this philosophical and loving approach to our friends and family who have neurological or intellectual losses. Individuals born with developmental disabilities often are thought of as lacking when we should use Marilyn's approach, appreciating and interacting with the very wonderful, positive aspects of their personalities. In this time of looking for perfection, listen to Marilyn and value what God has given us.

I love this book! It is one of those books that I constantly wanted to share with others as I read it. I stopped many times and shared bits and pieces with my wife and family. The magic of this book, for me, is that it is focused on David and friendship and not on David's disease or the minutia of care giving.

The book, like the disease, is not linear. This is not a slow spiral down to a depressing ending. Far from it! At the same time, there is no attempt to shield us from the often-harsh reality of David's experiences. We are, instead, subtly assisted in recognizing our common humanity through the recounting of David's very human condition. This is never just an abstract story about a man with dementia.

Next time you are trying to think of an inspiring book to give as a gift, don't turn to the positive thinking or self-psych books. Give somebody Dancing on Quicksand. Reality can be inspiring. Sometimes, in real life, there is no quick fix and sometimes there is no "fix" at all.

Dancing on Quicksand is the captivating, sunset story of David Touff, a once-brilliant man, one of Denver's eminent visionaries in the 20th century. As David slipped into dementia, he continued to be stimulated by the companionship and "adventures" created by a caring and inventive woman. Not just another Alzheimer's book, this is a beautifully written and inspiring story of how love and attention can make a difficult journey surprisingly upbeat and shows us that in spite of a deteriorating mind, the human heart longs for vital experience and meaningful relationship.

I can't remember when I last read a book that I found so moving! Dancing on Quicksand moved me both to laughter (many of the predicaments Marilyn Mitchell and David find themselves in are truly hilarious) and to a reflective sadness. If only! I kept thinking as I read this book. If only I had read this while my own grandparents were still living. What a deeper, more fulfilling (for us both) relationship would have been possible if I had had the insight not to give up so soon. The point that Ms. Mitchell makes so poignantly - Never judge someone by his worst day - is perhaps the greatest gift of advice one could be offered vis a vis a relationship with a loved one who is surely waning, but not yet gone. This simple reminder to ourselves has the power to add many more gold and silver memories that we will cherish later. Thank you Marilyn Mitchell for this wonderful, wonderful book.

I came to this delightful book from the perspective of a daughter helping to care for my dear mother in the last 5 years of her life with Alzheimer's. Oh, how I wish I had read the book 7-9 years ago for its insights about relating to someone with dementia. Yet I think readership of this book should not be limited to people interested in this growing health problem. The book is a guidebook to enjoying life more fully, especially in the city/area where you live, as the author and David did with the many field trip pleasures of Denver. If you feel that a key ingredient of a good story is how people transform one another through their relationships, you will find yourself instantly captivated by Marilyn's and David's encounters and ensuing bond. They each possess charm, wit, and intelligence. Marilyn has an endearing ability to put herself in David's shoes, trying to understand his shrinking world and helping him uncover his genius. Marilyn's gift for language and her perceptiveness gives this book an energy that carries you to the end and leaves you regretting you're on the last page. You counter the regret by sharing this gem with others.

Dancing on Quicksand was an incredibly inspirational book. Reading it has made me want to be a better person, listen more carefully, to love others unconditionally, to work harder at loving others where they are. In a culture where we want to get rid of anything difficult, it was refreshing to see what Marilyn Mitchell gained by sticking with David and loving him through his illness. Although this is a book about a person who has helped someone with dementia, it is far more than that. It is a book about what real love looks like. I am just about to open up my copy one more time and read it again. Thanks Marilyn for sharing this rich experience with us!