Date. . . or Soul Mate? How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less, by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., is an extremely practical dating guide from the founder of eHarmony.com. The book is like a handbook on the psychology of compatibility and time management. And it provides tools and tips for making the dating process as effective and time-efficient as possible.
As a dating and relationship coach working with singles looking for a life partner relationship, I had heard a lot about eHarmony.com and its particular protocol. Clients tell me that rather than sort through various online dating profiles themselves, eHarmony.com has you first take a personality test. From the results of that test, members are then introduced to other members that, according to Dr. Warren's formula, they would be most compatible with.
In my live lectures and virtual teleclasses, I frequently have stated my agreement with Chapter 2 of the book entitled "Know Yourself." I have heard singles claim they already know everything about dating and relationships, but complain about still being single. I use this chapter, and the ones that follow, "Your Must-Have and Can't-Stand Lists," to direct singles to identify what they're looking for in a partner. Dr. Warren generously provides readers with the fifty most popular must-haves, and the fifty most popular can't-stands, to help articulate what frequently has become an amorphous blob of an ideal mate, that they will only recognize by chemistry.
Once you have these lists, Dr. Warren suggests that you "burn them into your brain," as they will now serve as your "shopping list" for finding your soul mate. He describes how to be "other conscious" rather than "self-conscious" while dating, and suggests areas to question your dates about to help you determine if your must-haves and can't stands will be met. He addresses the importance of emotional health and its powerful effect on compatibility. These chapters provide great directions on how to navigate the frequently confusing dating waters.
I found the section on "Seven Significant Similarities" in chapter 8's "Differences You Must Not Overlook" especially important. In his 30 years of practicing as a psychologist and working with singles and couples, Dr. Warren has identified certain key similarities that strongly contribute to marital success. They are: 1) spiritual harmony; 2) desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate; 3) level of energy; 4) level of ambition; 5) expectations about gender roles; 6) interests, and 7) personal habits.
I found the last one, personal habits, to be the most eye opening. Dr. Warren contends that the degree to which one person attends to neatness and orderliness in his/her life, should not differ too much from those of whom he is dating. I don't think I would have given this life habit much credence before I read the book. Rather, I would have suggested that it wouldn't be until a couple were living together that they would create a household system that works for both of them. But Dr. Warren makes a strong case that you should observe how your dating partner attends to neatness and orderliness BEFORE you live together or marry, and determine ahead of time if you could actually live with him/her.
The only weak part of the book is towards the end, when Dr. Warren tries to quantify the principles of negotiating a "great deal" in a relationship. I think that he made a great effort in attempting to take the intangibles about dating and partnering and make them practical up until this section. In my opinion, determining if you got an "good deal" still remains intangible.
Of course, Dr. Warren uses Date or Soul Mate? to make a case for signing up with eHarmony.com. I suggest that you use the principles of his book to help you keep focused as you travel the road in your search for your life partner.
