Customer Reviews

Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less

5 star:		(23)
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3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Date. . . or Soul Mate? How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less, by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., is an extremely practical dating guide from the founder of eHarmony.com. The book is like a handbook on the psychology of compatibility and time management. And it provides tools and tips for making the dating process as effective and time-efficient as possible.

As a dating and relationship coach working with singles looking for a life partner relationship, I had heard a lot about eHarmony.com and its particular protocol. Clients tell me that rather than sort through various online dating profiles themselves, eHarmony.com has you first take a personality test. From the results of that test, members are then introduced to other members that, according to Dr. Warren's formula, they would be most compatible with.

In my live lectures and virtual teleclasses, I frequently have stated my agreement with Chapter 2 of the book entitled "Know Yourself." I have heard singles claim they already know everything about dating and relationships, but complain about still being single. I use this chapter, and the ones that follow, "Your Must-Have and Can't-Stand Lists," to direct singles to identify what they're looking for in a partner. Dr. Warren generously provides readers with the fifty most popular must-haves, and the fifty most popular can't-stands, to help articulate what frequently has become an amorphous blob of an ideal mate, that they will only recognize by chemistry.

Once you have these lists, Dr. Warren suggests that you "burn them into your brain," as they will now serve as your "shopping list" for finding your soul mate. He describes how to be "other conscious" rather than "self-conscious" while dating, and suggests areas to question your dates about to help you determine if your must-haves and can't stands will be met. He addresses the importance of emotional health and its powerful effect on compatibility. These chapters provide great directions on how to navigate the frequently confusing dating waters.

I found the section on "Seven Significant Similarities" in chapter 8's "Differences You Must Not Overlook" especially important. In his 30 years of practicing as a psychologist and working with singles and couples, Dr. Warren has identified certain key similarities that strongly contribute to marital success. They are: 1) spiritual harmony; 2) desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate; 3) level of energy; 4) level of ambition; 5) expectations about gender roles; 6) interests, and 7) personal habits.

I found the last one, personal habits, to be the most eye opening. Dr. Warren contends that the degree to which one person attends to neatness and orderliness in his/her life, should not differ too much from those of whom he is dating. I don't think I would have given this life habit much credence before I read the book. Rather, I would have suggested that it wouldn't be until a couple were living together that they would create a household system that works for both of them. But Dr. Warren makes a strong case that you should observe how your dating partner attends to neatness and orderliness BEFORE you live together or marry, and determine ahead of time if you could actually live with him/her.

The only weak part of the book is towards the end, when Dr. Warren tries to quantify the principles of negotiating a "great deal" in a relationship. I think that he made a great effort in attempting to take the intangibles about dating and partnering and make them practical up until this section. In my opinion, determining if you got an "good deal" still remains intangible.

Of course, Dr. Warren uses Date or Soul Mate? to make a case for signing up with eHarmony.com. I suggest that you use the principles of his book to help you keep focused as you travel the road in your search for your life partner.

The most useful part of this book is the list of 10 must haves and the 10 can't stands. This allows one to screen potential mates quickly. Warren points out that the chief reason for divorce is the common practice of settling for someone that has one or more of the "can't stand" items. This is usually rationalized as "I may never find anyone else", etc. The limit of 10 is a practical compromise between, say, 5 and 100 items. It accounts for the most crucial areas of compatibility and incompatibility to be accounted for, yet without being so selective that one would never be able to find a mate.

If you are looking for a your soulmate/life time partner- this book contains lots of good information about specific areas that you and your potential spouse should have in common. Whether you know exactly what you are looking for, or have no idea, this book is a good read- and has some critical info to consider - while you are searching for your lifetime partner. You know how we all get "twitter-pated" - or "stupid" when our heart and hormones are revved up. This helps your head stay in charge of the process- so you hopefully don't end up marrying someone or dating someone too long- before you know whether it's a solid long lasting match. There's lots of wisdom and specific information here for the novice or even the cynic relationship survivor. Highly recommend it.

I was embarrassed to buy this book...but I'm glad I did. It helped me to clarify what I'm really looking for in Mrs. Right. Importantly, it also helped me clarify who I am, what I bring into a relationship. So: cheesy title, but useful exercises (I really did them, took a day on a personal retreat) & practical wisdom.

This is one of those books that you will have wished you had read years ago that could have helped you in avoiding lots of unnecessary pain and heartache.

This book helps one discover themselves better so they can get a clearer idea in what to look for in a potential mate. It also helps one chose their Must-Haves and Can't Stands when it comes to choosing a mate. It explains why some relationships are so great and why some end up in such a mess. Plus lots more.

The author has been counseling thousands of couples for the past 30 years so he does know what he is talking about.

It's about a 4 hr. read with some homework. An excellent book that I'm going to be recommending to all my single friends. Buy it, borrow it, but find a way to read it one way or the other.

Absolutely recommend it!

This book is an amazing tool to understanding yourself and the dynamics of dating. It assists you through self-discovery and how to articulate the type the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think every single person should read this book before making any long-term commitments! Also, if you are already in a relationship and have doubts - it can also help you identify the source of your frustrations and how to end the dating relationship before heading to marriage.

As for e-harmony - many people that say they had a bad experience is due to putting up false & unrealistic expectations for the service. Like any on-line service- you need to check & research everyone you attempt to pursing communication. E-harmony doesn't do security, investigative or credit checks so don't expect that everyone you meet will be honesty & clean. (If you read Dr. Warren message - he explains this very thorougly)Another thing to keep in mind, is that the service doesn't promise that you will meet your dream partner and happily get married. It is just a tool to help you meet additional people ideally closer to your personality that you wouldn't normally meet on a regular basis. You still have to do the work in identifying whether this person is truly the best match for you.

Be smart, wise and don't put yourself in compromising or dangerous situations.

This book will definitely help you put dating in the RIGHT PERSPECTIVE!

In general I found this book to be a very usefull tool in the begining of a search for that one true love. I do believe that the book is too short for a true effective purpose or it should be written with two more books; one containing exercises to get you thinking about what you really want, and the other book to do just the opposite, make you think about what you really don't want.
I would recommend this book to anyone who has problems narrowing issues down that you want in a mate and/or issues that you don't want. It does have the ability to get a person thinking, but it does not go far enough.
There are a couple of flaws with the book. The first flaw I find is that the author who has several years experience in psychology is not able to go beyond a couple of pages before he tells you this, and it is repeated. The other flaw is do to its brevity and not enough detail or any real exercises to get a person thinking about the true qualities of their mate.

This is an outstanding book if you are interested in dating consciously. Very good tools for finding out your own values and what is important to you in choosing a lifetime partner. Not only will you be able to consciously date and find someone truly suitable for you but also is an exceptional guide for looking deeper into yourself. I found it to be excellent in looking deeper at what I want in my life and in a mate. I totally recommend it to anyone wanting higher quality dating.

This book is well written and contains a lot of vital 'how to match' criteria within it. It does a good job of helping you to learn what makes you inwardly tick, so that you can be looking for the marriage partner that keeps time with you. This is good. But, (isn't there always one of these "but"s somewhere), this book has a major shortfall, due to its narrow focus on looking for your marriage partner and running away from all the rest. Mr. Clark understands what makes a marriage work, but appears to have little understanding what soul mates are. Everybody needs to find their soul mates in life (note the plural). The soul mates that we are meant to find will come in the form of the opposite gender and the same gender. These are people who we need to claim as friends for life - and stay close with. Then, depending on your intimate preferences, we need to select a potential marriage partner from this group of close soul mate friends that we now have. I believe Mr. Clark needlessly teaches his readers to overly narrow the search criteria when out on their first couple of dates with someone new. So when reading this book, remember that what we need to be looking for are our soul mates in life when we go on a date, and the rest who are not - do as the author suggests and run away fast (but, very politely). Now, that we have close friends for life, start narrowing down through interaction who, out of all your soul mates, makes for the most compatible match for marriage. I recommend the book regularly to others (with this caution). As for the eharmony web site mentioned in the book, I must give you strong caution - especially males. You could be into very serious disappointment if you pay for membership too soon. EHarmony's customer support is just rotten (they refuse to answer member's emails regardless how polite and persistent you are). Also, they are very good at matching you with people who are clearly on your Can't Stand list in personality characteristics. Apparently the web site version of the book does not follow the criteria of the book itself. You have been forewarned by someone who has experienced this first hand! I still recommend the book, though, with the caution above in mind.

This book is not awful, just not very good. It brings up important points but it's written in such a breezy, over simplified style, that it reads more like a "summer beach book". (The author also repeatedly states throughout the book how intelligent he is, how everyone says so, etc, etc. That's a "red flag" warning right there, if you ask me). It sounds oh, so logical but unfortunately human beings are a bit more complex than what the author conveys. In short, finding your soul mate is quite more difficult than finding a refridgerator. A concept the author is refusing to grasp.

As for eharmony, I'd dare say that it is a business i.e. they want your money. Whether they really match people up correctly is anyone's guess. The underlying assumption of the website is that people are honest, and are self-aware. It claims to weed out emotionally troubled people but it doesn't take much intelligence to fudge the answers so you come out smelling like a rose. Proceed with caution. With this book and the website.
The word scam comes to mind.