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A great comedy.
on May 9, 2014
So I normally love the DC animated movies, with very few exceptions (Batman: Year One *cough*). But even that one is more of an issue with the source material. But this? This...
I just watched Son of Batman, and it's the funniest movie I've seen in forever.
Bear in mind, it's so not trying to be. It opens up with tons of gore, death, stabbing, mutilation, sexual innuendos, etc. But there's just so...much...stupid. The opening is an army of gun-wielding ninjas with helicopters blasting up the League of Shadows. Naturally, they win against sword wielders. But not before catapults firing boulders take down several of the helicopters. Also, Talia wields a gatling cannon that fires arrows. Yes. Arrows. And she brings down several helicopters with it, too, because arrows.
Ras al Ghul, of course, is awesome. He gets surrounded on all sides by six gunmen, who all fire machine guns simultaneously. He blocks them all. With his sword. Even ignoring that stupidity, for every twelve shots you'll hear fired in the audio, they'll only do about three blocking sounds/animations. So it ends up looking like these soldiers are just firing tons of blanks while Ras twirls his sword around like an idiot.
Whatever. Ras dies, Talia (who is just around to show off her breasts...even while chained up as a prisoner she's splayed out all sexy-like, chest bulging like some weird gravity-defying melons got surgically implanted into her frontal area) brings her son to Batman, who's the father. And then it gets funny...and insanely annoying simultaneously.
First off: Talia admits to roofing Batman, and then having sex with him, which led to Damian. I just...sure. Let's go with that. Batman getting roofied, can I see that movie instead? And Talia flirts with Batman all super seductive like *while her son is hidden in the room listening and watching*. Nothing creepy there. But now we get to meet Damian...and he's awful. He's an annoying, loud, brash, idiotic annoyance that is technically *supposed* to be all those things, but that doesn't make his presence any more pleasant, nor interesting. Every scene with him, you want to punch him and beg for him to be quiet. When Nightwing shows up, I was pleading with the screen "pleeeease, let him stay instead, he's so much more interesting!"
Speaking of Nightwing, upon hearing that Damian exists, he exclaims "The nerve, after all of those talks to me about protection." Just let that sink in right there. Batman, getting roofied by Talia and giving speeches to Dick about condoms. That scraping sound you hear is Batman's mystique getting dragged through the gutter.
Back to Damian. He fights a muscle-bound roid-monster, whose forearms are bigger than he is. And in that fight, you 1) see this ten (twelve?) year old kid *kick him all the way across the room* 2) engage in and *win* a contest of strength pushing their bladed weapons against each other 3) cross a street by leaping car rooftop to car rooftop...even though the muscle-headed dude ran across just fine, and is a third the speed, and 4) block bullets with his sword. And that's nothing compared to his final battle against Deathstroke, where he has two different blades piercing all the way through both his forearms, pinning him to a wall, which he then rips both out (one pushing the hilt *through* his arm) AND THEN HE PROCEEDS TO BATTLE AS IF NOTHING WERE WRONG. Ten year old kid with massive gaping wounds in both his forearms? Yeah, I see no issue with him blocking an over-head chop by a fully grown mercenary and then struggling against it in another challenge of strength.
And I'm still not to the dumbest part. There's mutagen, apparently. Like, Ninja Turtles mutagen. In this movie, Batman and Damian fight flying mutant sword-wielding bat-ninjas. An army of them. And they take it seriously. There is an actual line of dialog that, as best as I can remember, goes like this: "Ras thought an army of flying mutant ninja assassins would be unstoppable."
I just...I...I can't. I've not even scratched the surface of how many bizarre contrivances, bad sexy dialog ('maybe you can let me see those x-rays sometime'), stupidly impossible scenes there are in this movie...and nothing I say here will possibly convey how badly you'll wish Damian would die by the end. And yes, the ending has Batman and Damian facing off against an army of bat-ninjas, feeling like something right out of the end of Van Helsing.
So yeah. Watch if you want a laugh. This is basically what happens when you take storytelling/world-building at the stupidity levels of the Schumacher Batman and Robin, but try to convey it hyper-realized with tons of blood, stabbings, murder, and Batman ripping the tail off Killer Croc. It's not for adults, it's not for kids. It's only for laughs.