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Dead and Dateless [Kindle Edition]

Kimberly Raye
3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)

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Return to You
Fourth in Samantha Chase's Montgomery Brothers series. See all this prolific writer has to offer

Book Description

SHE’D LIKE HER BLOOD BOTTLED, PLEASE!

The sassiest vampire in all of Manhattan, Lil Marchette, is the owner of Dead End Dating–a matchmaking service for hip, intelligent singles like herself. After only three months, business is booming, and she can finally pay her bills (or, more important, feed a hungry cosmetics addiction). But when one of her clients turns up dead (as in never coming back), Lil is named as the prime suspect.
Murder?

Sure, she’s a vampire, but she can’t even work up her nerve when it comes to blood-sucking. Hacking somebody to pieces is so out of the question.

To make matters worse, Lil must also contend with a pack of werewolves who ask–no, demand–that she find each one a tall, dark, and handsome mate before the next full moon. Plus, the to-die-for-if-I wasn’t-already-dead Ty Bonner, a lusciously sexy lover but totally unsuitable eternity mate, is never far from her midnight fantasies. But Lil has no time for such thoughts. She must prove her innocence and focus on pairing off the dead and the furry–and maybe stake a claim to her own tasty true love.

“Kimberly Raye is hot, hot, hot!”
–Vicki Lewis Thompson, author of Nerds Like It Hot


From the Paperback edition.


Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Kimberly Raye is the bestselling author of more than thirty novels, including Dead End Dating. She’s been nominated for several Romantic Times Reviewers’ Choice Awards, as well as a RITA Award. Her books have been featured in several major magazines, including Better Homes & Gardens and Glamour, and her novel Sometimes Naughty, Sometimes Nice was a Cosmopolitan magazine book club pick. She lives deep in the heart of Texas Hill Country with her husband and their young children. Please visit her website at www.kimberlyraye.com.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

One

“I need a man.” The attractive woman sitting across the desk from me leaned forward.

Her name was Viola Hamilton and she was the latest client to come walking into the small but well-furnished office that housed my latest business venture—Dead End Dating, Manhattan’s first and only hook-up service for vampires. And humans. And any other creature who could fork over my pricey (but well worth every red cent) fee.

I’m the Countess Lilliana Arrabella Guinevere du Marchette. Lil for short. The latest and greatest when it comes to matchmakers, and a five-hundred-year-old born vampire with an ever-expanding wardrobe and a serious cosmetics addiction.

Okay, okay. I’m a five-hundred-year-old born vampire with an ever-expanding wardrobe, a serious cosmetics addiction, and enough outstanding Visa charges to fund a small third-world country.

But enough about the ever-fantabulous me.

“Actually,” Viola went on, “I need twenty-seven men, to be exact. Tall, dark, handsome, smart. Preferably human. But with only two weeks until the full moon, I’m willing to negotiate on that last point.”

Viola had long, dark hair, jet black eyes, and lips slicked with Chanel’s Crimson Dream. She wore a black Gucci jacket and matching slacks. A Cartier watch with a diamond band glittered from her slender wrist. She was president of the Connecticut chapter of the Naked and Unashamed Nudist Sisterhood, aka the NUNS, aka a group of female werewolves who met weekly at her Fairfield estate.

She was also the reason my father had nearly decapitated himself with a pair of hedge clippers last weekend. My old man detested thick, overgrown bushes almost as much as he did female werewolves, and so he religiously trimmed the azaleas that separated the two estates. Viola, on the other hand, detested short, puny vegetation and snobby, pretentious born vampires, and so she religiously put up a fight.

I, on the other hand, welcomed any and everyone with my arms wide, my mind open, and my deposit slip ready.

A smile spread across my face as I mentally calculated what twenty-seven men (preferably human) meant in terms of outstanding credit card payments.

“So can you help me?”

“That depends,” I heard myself say. Wait a second. I knew Viola could fork over the cash. I should be shouting “Yes!” After all, I’m a born vampire: the PC term for unconscionable, pompous, money-hungry, bloodsucking aristocrat.

“On what?”

“On what you’re going to do with twenty-seven men.” Okay, so I’m not exactly PC. Sure, I can be as pompous as any ancient born vampere. I am most certainly money-hungry. I’d also recently fallen off the wagon on the bloodsucking part (I’d been going for the bottled stuff up until a few weeks ago when I’d been staked in the shoulder and nursed back to health by a megalicious made vampire named Ty Bonner). And I am also an aristocrat (French royalty and all that). It was the unconscionable part that I had trouble with. “I’m a matchmaker, not a personal chef.”

Viola smiled, revealing a row of straight, white teeth. “We’re not going to eat them, dear. We’re going to have sex with them.” She stubbed out her cigarette in the small crystal ashtray on the corner of my desk. “And procreate. Female werewolves only ovulate during a lunar eclipse, which means we get one, maybe two shots a year to actually conceive, if any at all. Last year, we got nada. Since we females carry the actual were-gene, we can mate with any creature and still produce a were-baby. We NUNS feel a social responsibility to keep our race as pure as possible and so we prefer humans. That way we don’t have to worry about any otherworldly genes mixing in with our own.”

Okay, so I already knew this. Not firsthand, mind you. While I am now a hot, hip, happening vampire, I was raised in a very sheltered environment. Most of my friends were born vamps and so I’d never actually talked (for more than a few minutes) to a real werewolf. Until now. Of course, I am as educated as the next born vamp, and so I’d learned all about sexuality and the various species early on. But hearing it told by a holier-than-thou vampere tutor named Jacques whose lesson had been extremely brief (other creatures weren’t deemed worthy of our precious time) and hearing it straight from Viola (complete with details) were two very different things. She spoke from actual experience.

“How can you keep the race pure if you mate with a human?”

A get real look slid over her beautiful face. “Come now, dear. They’re humans. Our superior DNA obviously outranks their extremely weak genes, resulting in a pure were-child.”

Obviously. “Why not a male werewolf? Wouldn’t that be the ideal? Surely a double shot of were DNA would really kick ass?”

“Do you know twenty-seven available male werewolves?”

“Um, not at the moment.”

“Neither do we. There are a total of fifty-two members of our organization, nearly half of whom have mates and don’t need your services. I’m here on behalf of the single, uncommitted, aging NUNS. Unlike you vamps, we only have a small window for procreation. Fifty years, to be exact. Desperation always makes one less choosy. Besides, male werewolves are bossy and overbearing and extremely territorial. You have their child and bam, they’re ready to pee on every tree in your front yard. While I wouldn’t mind it if I found the right male werewolf, I haven’t and I seriously doubt I’m going to in the next two weeks.”

“Why not just go to a sperm bank?”

“We only ovulate during an actual sexual encounter. Our reproductive system requires a barrage of stimuli. One can’t kiss or touch or nibble a turkey baster, dear.”

“I see your point.”

“We have only one requirement for a human partner: He can’t be a wimp. Forget those sensitive, quiet, thoughtful, equal opportunity types that are all the rage these days. We need old-fashioned men who are blatantly physical and very domineering. Werewolves are a very aggressive race and wimpy men simply don’t stimulate us sexually. The more turned on we are, the more likely we are to conceive.”

“Alpha males only,” I told her. “Got it.”

“Wonderful.” Viola smiled and opened her Christian Dior clutch. “I’ll write you a check for the first half of the fee. The second is payable once everyone is matched up?”

“That’s the Dead End Dating policy.” As of this very moment, that is. I usually asked for a third up front, but if Viola wanted to dish out half, who was I to argue details?

Accommodate. That was my motto.

At least, it was right up there with Shop ’Til You Drop.

I was just about to reach across the desk and kiss this month’s bills good-bye when the intercom buzzed.

“Lil?” Evie Dalton’s voice floated over the line.

Evie was my devoted assistant. She had great taste in belts, lived for the latest MAC lip gloss, and could spot a fake Fendi at twenty paces. Had I been a lesbian human instead of a heterosexual born vampire with a screaming biological clock, I would have married her on the spot.

“I know you’re with a client,” she went on, “but could you come out here?”

“Give me just a second.” My fingers closed around Viola’s check.

“It’s really important.”

“So is this.” I stared at the five-figure sum the female werewolf had scribbled in.

While it wasn’t my ultimate fantasy (me plus the megalicious Ty Bonner plus this cute little number I’d spotted over at La Perla equaled dreamo supremo), it was certainly a windfall to a struggling entrepreneur.

“There are some, uh, men here to see you,” Evie said.

“If Brad Pitt isn’t one of them, they can wait.” I smiled at Viola, slid her payment into my top drawer, and turned toward my laptop. “Let me just get you a receipt and—”

“They’re not really into waiting.”

“They’ll have to make an exception.” I punched the off button. The light blinked and the intercom buzzed again, but I ignored it.

Product Details

  • File Size: 475 KB
  • Print Length: 354 pages
  • Publisher: Ballantine Books (January 30, 2007)
  • Sold by: Random House LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B000NJL7RI
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #571,421 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
15 of 15 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Good read. February 15, 2007
Format:Mass Market Paperback
Lilliana "Lil" Marchette is not only a "born" vampire, but she's also the owner of Dead End Dating, a matchmaking service that caters to all types. That means her clients do not have to be human. The client may be vampire, werewolf, human ... anything. Lil's business has not been open long, but it's doing very well indeed. In fact, Lil has until the next full moon to find twenty-eight alpha males for a pack of werewolves that are ready to start breeding! Time is short, especially since she's on the run from the law. One of the clients has been murdered and the evidence points to Lil.

Tyler "Ty" Bonner is a "made" vampire who earns his money via bounty hunting. With the one hundred thousand dollar price tag on Lilliana's head, Ty may be the only person (human or otherwise) who is NOT out to cash in. Instead, he is helping Lil to lay low. This is hard to do since Lil's family is high up the Society ladder. That means when Lil agrees not to "walk" out of Ty's apartment and risk being caught, she waits for him to leave and then "flies" out instead.

The police are closing in, time is short to locate the needed alpha males, Lil's family is having a few family troubles, and Lil can't seem to stop drooling over Ty.

**** You do not have to read "Dead End Dating" to enjoy this tale of Lil's vampire life. However, you DO have to be a fan of super natural romances. The humor falls flat a few times, but the originality of Lil's profession more than makes up for it. And the term "BORN vampire" was stressed and used way too often before the story finally got around to explaining exactly what that meant. Otherwise though, I found the story to be a delightful way to spend an evening at home. I look forward to the next release in the series. ****

Reviewed by Detra Fitch of Huntress Reviews.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars 4 stars March 2, 2007
By AK
Format:Mass Market Paperback
For just a moment, Lil Marchette is on top of the world as it looks like she is about to land her biggest match up client yet. Then, her life goes to heck as the cops arrive to arrest her for murder. True, she is a vampire and that does carry with it an implication of such things, but she would not kill, especially not in the manner described. So, Lil goes on the lam, seeking refuge with handsome, but unfortunately made-vamp, bounty hunter, Ty Bonner. Of course, she can't let her business just slide, so she tries to balance trying to find out who framed her, resisting Ty, and dealing with her nutty family with keeping Dead End Dating afloat. The results are hilarious.

**** Lil's saga is simply fun. If you enjoy Stephanie Plum's adventures, then you will probably love these as well. The same wry humor infuses every page and the character driven plot keeps you interested from the start to the end. ****

Reviewed by Amanda Killgore, Freelance Reviewer.
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Didn't love it, didn't hate it = 3 stars July 30, 2007
Format:Mass Market Paperback
I am pretty ambivalent about this book. It fell somewhere in the middle. Plot was ok .. interesting mystery trying to determine who framed Lil for murder. The writing style is very casual and relaxed, lots of (comments in asides). It began to get a little annoying.

But, the story is interesting. There is heat between Lil and her vampire bounty hunter, and it's fun to watch the characters fight the chemisty between them. Lil's mom is a hoot.

Overall, it's not a keeper, but I'm still glad I read it. Hoping that book 3 can grab me the way the first in the series did.
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5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Lovin'Lil March 2, 2007
Format:Mass Market Paperback|Verified Purchase
Though some others may not get her, I adore Lil Marchette. Our heroine is witty, bold, and has a flashy sense of style. Some simillarities must be drawn to Betsy from Mary Janice Davidson's Undead series but Lil is not a carbon copy. Though they likely do shop for the same fab footware!

Though Lil's mother is usually breathing down her neck while throwing eligable single born vampires her way the matron of the Marchette family has bigger problems when Lil's youngest brother actually falls head over heels in love for a human. Lil doesn't have time to enjoy her mom's distraction though as she has a little problem of her own. It's not every week that a girl ends up on NYPD's most wanted list, on the lamb for allegedly committing a murder. Juggle that with trying to find 28 hunky alpha men for a pack of horny werewolve women next door and the stress of living with an extremely yummy( in more ways than one) made vampire bounty hunter and Lil's got a lot going on at the moment.

The book ends with a great teaser and I can not wait until October when Your Coffin or Mine? hits stores! Just a note though: this book is not a stand alone novel but part of a series. It's the second book behind Dead End Dating - the name of Lil's latest business venture. Though you could get by with out reading the first book, why would you when it's so enjoyable?
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3.0 out of 5 stars Pure Fun January 28, 2011
Format:Mass Market Paperback
Lil Marchette, an immortal born vampire, owner of Dead End Dating, seeker of killer outfits with designer labels...is wanted for murdering a client.

This believer in happily-ever-afters sleeps in Hello Kitty pajamas, drinks her blood from a bottle, and is holding out for her very own soulmate for eternity. How could she possibly kill someone by chopping them into tiny little bits?

She turns to Ty Bonner, a gorgeous bounty hunter (and made vampire) to help her clear her name. He smells wonderful, looks delicious...and is soooo off limits to Lil in the vampire social arena since born vampires only marry other born vampires.

Running her business away from the office becomes a logistical nightmare, but she's got clients to match and a deadline to meet if she wants to get paid.

Time is running short, stress is running high, and her labido shifts into overdrive when she's forced to go into hiding with Ty by her side. Their mutual attraction becomes irresistible, and Lil gives in to her craving...mostly. Phenomenal sex but no sharing blood.

Lil discovers the killer's identity when an attempt is made on both her and Ty's lives.
Her quick thinking saves them both. The killer is caught, Lil life returns to normal after being cleared of all charges, and her clients are thrilled.

Now if she could convince her heart Ty's touch wasn't more than just good sex, everything would be perfect. And if he ever decides to show up or talk to her again, she plans to let set him straight.

This book is pure fun! Light, not too shallow, and a very quick read.

I love Lil's sassy attitude and her totally addicted-to-designer-clothes weakness. We've all been there, right?
Read more ›
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars Light Read
I really enjoyed going on the journey with Lil and all her antics in this book. Humor and fun, easy read. Looking forward to reading book 3.
Published 4 hours ago by Eileen Lane
5.0 out of 5 stars Omg it was funny, and wow does Lil know how to get ...
Omg it was funny, and wow does Lil know how to get things done! I love being able to relax and read a fun novel, it was funny and yay no more sexual tension... For a while anyway
Published 7 months ago by TigerDragon
4.0 out of 5 stars Summer read - light on plot, heavy on humor
I do love these type of books. Why? They are light reading, they are funny, you can read them fast and not worry about missing a minor detail. Basically a fun summer read.
Published 8 months ago by Wendy Moore
5.0 out of 5 stars AWESOME!
This was another great addition to the Lil Marchette series, although I'm a little disappointed in Ty's behavior at the end. Perhaps he will redeem himself in a later book. Read more
Published 21 months ago by MnBookLady
1.0 out of 5 stars Dead and Dateless should be dateless
Waaaay too many silly comments in parenthesis by the writer. I could only stand about 30 pages of it before I threw the book away.
Published on February 5, 2010 by E. T. Crawford
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Vamp read
This is book 2 of the series and I can't wait to read the next. The series is very entertaining. They are also funny, interesting and captivating! Must reads for Vamp readers!
Published on January 16, 2009 by Candice Ann Williams
3.0 out of 5 stars Extremely quick
Thanks for the book! It came really fast considering I'm over seas and what not. I appreciate the quickness!
Published on August 10, 2008 by Tiffany R. Brown
3.0 out of 5 stars More entertainng than the first....
Ok, I liked this book quite a bit. Lil is a trip, and Raye has come along way since the first book in fleshing out Lil's character. Read more
Published on February 9, 2008 by Pacey1927
4.0 out of 5 stars Lil is back!
And she's shaking things up yet again. Her business is great, but she's on the run from the police, who say she's wanted for murder! Read more
Published on August 7, 2007 by Denise Kivett
5.0 out of 5 stars Vampires & Romance
I love the first book and I loved this one as well. I was worried that it would be a repeat or wouldn't hold up to the mustard like the first. But, it did. Read more
Published on June 27, 2007 by C. A Scovel
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More About the Author

I'm so excited about my newest series featuring the sexy cowboy vampires of Tombstone, Texas! The first book, THE QUICK & THE UNDEAD, is available now in both print and e-book format. Here's a little teaser . . .

Ever dream of being hand-cuffed by sexy lawman Wyatt Earp, kidnapped by the slick outlaw Jessie James, or courted by the dashing Wild Bill Hickok?

Then welcome to Tombstone, Texas, where anything is possible, even your wildest fantasy. Tombstone, once a haven to the biggest, baddest outlaws in the state, is now a tourist town that gives travelers a taste of the old West, from gun fights at high noon to drinking and dancing at the local saloon. What visitors don't realize, however, is that the outlaws walking the streets aren't just actors--they're the real deal. Because the town wasn't just a gathering place for outlaws back in the day, it was also a haven for vampires. And while many people have come and gone over the years, the men who run Tombstone have been doing so for nearly two hundred years. A group of ancient and very powerful vampires, they feed off of sex, as well as blood and, for the right price, are more than happy to play out even the most sensual fantasy. So step right up, folks, and book your trip today! The outlaws of Tombstone will be waiting . . .

I hope you'll check out this first in my brand new series and order your copy today! And don't forget to visit me on the web at www.kimberlyraye.com!

Much love from deep in the heart . . . Kimberly Raye


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