1.0 out of 5 stars
Deadly boring games, December 23, 2008
This review is from: Deadly Games [VHS] (VHS Tape)
There are a surprising number of forgotten 80s slasher films worth seeking out. Deadly Games is not one of them. If they ever start selling movies in smell-enhanced boxes, this one will stink like a sales barn on the hottest day of July. Honestly, this is about as bad a horror film as I've ever forced myself to sit through so you won't have to. The film's one and only positive is the spunky cuteness of Jo Ann Harris, but even that is rancorously soured all too soon by the fact that her character can't stop uttering some of the most inane lines in cinematic history - and she never shuts up, even when she's by herself. And the murders? Boring as all get out. Suspense? Are you kidding me? Even though the director obviously couldn't afford to actually light any of his sets (i.e., most of the time, you can't see what the heck is going on onscreen), the murderer's identity is painfully obvious very early on.
If you thought you heard something strange as you pulled in to your isolated desert home, would you go on in, never even think of turning a light on, and then step outside and start stripping? Well, that's what the woman in our opening scene does, practically begging to be killed. The next day, her sister Keegan (the aforementioned Jo Ann Harris) shows up. Far from distraught (she didn't really like her sister in the first place), you still might expect her to devote her time to identifying her sister's killer. Well, she doesn't - no matter what any other movie summary might tell you. Instead, she immediately begins a mutual flirtation with the investigating cop (Sam Groom), renews her ties with the town's catty "desperate housewives," and basically concentrates on finding someone to sleep with (and it doesn't matter if he's married or single). Meanwhile, the killer keeps doing his killing thing - or tries to, anyway.
The cop and his weird brother (Steve Railsback) run a local horror movie theatre. I mention that fact only because a private showing of
The Monster Walks is apparently considered the best way to impress a chick in this Podunk town. Let me just warn you that the big theatre scene is unquestionably one of the most inane you'll ever see (and I haven't even mentioned the post-film board game extravaganza, which comes complete with one of the worst and most oddly placed feature songs I've ever had to suffer through) - you won't care how cute Keegan is by this point, as all thoughts of doing her will turn to a fervent desire to just shut her up somehow. If you can make it through this scene, you can just coast to the end of this awful movie.
When Dick Butkus (in a minor role) is the best actor in your cast, you know you're in trouble. Of course, if all you have to work with is a piecemeal plot that barely hangs together from one scene to the next, you probably don't even care (director Scott Mansfield apparently didn't). I've read that it took two years for this film to find a distributor, so at least I can take a little solace in that fact. Would that it had never seen the light of day, period.
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