Customer Reviews

Dealing With People You Can't Stand

5 star:		(35)
4 star:		(11)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

If you're a manager and have to deal with the day to day complaints and conflicts of a workplace, this is the best book I've read about it, without question.
I'm a leadership consultant and my firm spends a lot of time mediating conflicts and facilitating meetings where I have to get people on the same page. I have formal training in negotation, and mediation, and all that other more formal stuff. And a lot of it works. But the question I get asked over and over again is "what do I do when the conflict doesn't justify outside assistance? What about the DAY TO DAY conflicts - one of my people refuses to bend her schedule, another won't come in on time, another won't try to work with a sister department, my boss won't give me the resources I need." Well, this is that book. It lays out a simple concept of conflict (other people see things differently from you and therefore act differently), and then does something that SO FEW of the other books do: it tells you exactly what to say and how to say it. I have had my fill of books which tell me to "be nice" or "work towards a compromise". My response is, I know that, but how do I DO that? How do I keep the other person from popping off at me? THIS BOOK does that. It's simple - exactly right for line managers with DAY to DAY conflicts.

I'm a felony probation officer. I deal with difficult people. I applied the clear techniques provided with an offender described for years as "a real nasty guy...." by previous probation officers. The technique worked immediately, the man expressed appreciation saying "You are the first person in your department who ever understood me...I'll do exactly what you told me to do." I could relate scores of other times these techniques have helped over the years. Rick & Rick's set of tapes is also extremely helpful. You won't be sorry you learned this stuff.

This is the finest book I've read on handling difficult people. As a training director for a large company, I've read many books on this subject, and trained interpersonal skills for years. This book is the CLEAREST, most practical book on the subject.

The ten types of difficult people are now in my vocabulary, and help me instantly size up a situation so I can handle it better. The authors detail practical steps to take with each style, making it easier to increase your confidence in difficult situations.

Most of all the authors encourage the reader to change his or her behavior, and the last chapter even offers the idea of the reader being a difficult person, in order to further reinforce the skills that this book teaches.

A real winner, and a book that has helped my career and my sanity.

While I judge the title to be a bit dramatic the information in this book has had a profound, dramatic effect on my life. I have approached the subject matter from the perspective that I'm in control of my relationships, and I can choose my own reactions to someone else's behavior. My own pettiness, as well other poeple's, was dictating some of my behavior, my attitudes, and some decisions too (sometimes badly). Yes, I see myself in some of those 10 personality traits described in the book. I wanted to be free of that nonsense, as well learn ways to have a good relationship with most anyone. This book's value to me has been to help me rise above the daily situations I encounter by helping me see human personality in a structured way. So that I can deliberately behave, react, and interact with people in positive, productive ways. I've been able to find peace with personalities that I've despised. I've found helpful information on how to get along with people who I hadn't a clue otherwise. If you're curious about finding solutions to working with, living with or next door to, or just finding peaceful ways to be around difficult people I recommend this book. I thought so much of this book I sent a copy of this book to a peer. This isn't about short term solutions to heated situations (customer service). This is about building trust and solid foundations with people with whom you have a longer term relationship (longer than 3 to 10 minutes) of some nature. Best wishes.

I was giving a workshop for people who were starting or re-entering the workforce for a graduate program in mental health. I did extensive research in our extensive school library, including books and periodicals. This was, by far, the most useful source of information that I found. It would be useful for anyone from an entry level worker to a top executive. It identifies the 10 "most difficult" types of people, and gives clear, step-by-step strategies for dealing with them. It also gives general advice for better communications. The advice is profound, yet written so anyone can understand, with narrative examples of the difficult behaviors.
My workshop was very successful, and I highly recommend this book.

This book has an excellent premise: the only way to deal with difficult people is to change the way you respond to them. Think about it. Do any of us ever do what we want to do all the time? Of course not. How many New Year's resolutions have we broken? Well, if we can't control our own behavior for our own good, how can we control someone else's especially when that person's obnoxious ways satisfies some perverse need? Some books on interpersonal conflict recommend that the reader resort to planning biting comebacks or simply ignoring the offending party. Rick and Rick offer more positive and healthier solutions (such as being more empathetic without being a punching bag) that if implemented will help the reader stay sane when under attack and eventually learn to stay above the fray.

After reading the comments the author made to my original review, I have changed it slightly to eliminate one of the minor points and rephrase another for clarification.

The importance of interpersonal communications skills at work hits home with me. I was employed with a Fortune 500 company in which an ex-employee walked into the cafeteria at lunchtime and fired a gun into the heads of his former supervisor and four other employees. Of the five, two died instantly, one died at the hospital and two survived with grave injuries. The shooter later killed himself.

Whatever training and advice on work or other relationships is put out there should be solidly based on (or not contradict) modern findings and accepted principles set out by full-time students of and practitioners in the human behavior field.

Handling difficult people falls under the domain of Psychology. The authors are two Naturopaths who state only that they studied, from a surgeon/medical doctor, "health from an attitudinal point of view" and were then asked by a mental health organization (they don't name the organization) to create a program on how to deal with difficult people.

I would like to have seen more detailed information mentioned anywhere in the book about the authors' formal training in this field they write about.

Many of the ideas here have been presented before in various kinds of books, yet credit was not given in any case to the former writers.

As to the text itself:

1. The principle of "blend vocally with volume and speed" given is not new, can certainly help sometimes, but we are supposed to be dealing with difficult people. The purpose of communication is to mutually exchange thoughts and feelings in a way that builds mutual understanding and rapport. We cannot be effective with someone, especially someone difficult, unless we actually listen to them until we understand what they are saying and show them that we have heard and understood both their information and their feelings. This is called "empathy" and goes well beyond "blending vocally."

2. The principle of "identify positive intent" of the person you are speaking with is given. Identifying obvious positive intent will work sometimes, as long as we have made sure that we are reflecting back what the person is actually trying to convey, if we are careful not to presume. We are not capable of mind-reading other people. This is a cognitive (thinking) error explained by Dr. David Burns in his well known book "Feeling Good." Communicating well calls for good listening and empathy.

3. The principle of "Pygmalian power" is similar to (but is even more presumptive than) the one of "identify positive intent." An example is offered of the Chicago school system experiment with children, in which some teachers were told beforehand that certain kids were very bright and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Will this technique enjoy the same success in the corporate setting, in handling adults, and difficult adults at that? Perhaps it depends on the circumstances.

4. The advice to "state YOUR positive intent" is clearly better, and, to my mind, more apt to succeed. We ARE qualified to say what OUR intentions are.

5. The principle of "identify highly valued criteria" is not new and this is usually applied to situations when a group is working to negotiate or brainstorm to formulate mutually agreeable goals or find solutions to job- or task-related issues. This would help bring people on a work team together but in a general way.

6. The authors do a good job in raising the point of using a tactful tone of voice, showing us that when tone doesn't match the message there will be problems and therefore the speaker should be the first to call attention to it.

7. The principle of using "I" language ("tell your truth") is a very longstanding method in Psychology of softening your communication.

8. The book says, "no one cooperates with anyone who (even) seems to be against them. You come across as either hot or cold to the relationship, as being on common ground or worlds apart." That is pretty good advice and does not square with aggressiveness. While I don't agree with the author's broad "no one cooperates with..." language, if we assume that this principle is so, we are helping our chances for smooth communication.


The stated purpose of this book is to help us get along with difficult people; if we become (even subtly) controlling or (more boldly) difficult people ourselves, will that hit the mark? While this book does not go that far, I am reminded of a specific genre dating back to the 1980's of best-selling pop "psychology" self-help books which taught that the way to handle other people was "winning by intimidation"; a book of that title was actually written and there were many more along the same lines.

Other reviewers give this book higher ratings and mention it helped them in specific situations. However, if you have the time, please don't let this book be the only book on communication or Psychology you read. There is much more information, by respected experts, that could help us all be more effective at work and at home, with adults as well as with our children.

I have read and highly recommend the following books:

"How to Solve Your People Problems" by Alan Godwin
"Since Strangling Isn't An Option" by Sandra Crowe
"Tongue Fu!" by Sam Horn
"Dinosaur Brains" by Bernstein and Rozen
"Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton, Heen
"Messages - the Communications Skills Book" by McKay, Davis and Fanning
"Working Anger" by Potter-Efron
"Working with the Self-Absorbed" by Nina Brown
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie

I was looking for a reference book to aid a seminar I was about to give on interpersonal communications to aid selling skills. The book explains behavioral patterns and groups difficult people under 10 main types. And believe me you know them all! The book also contains live examples, which makes it all the more useful and valuable. I strongly recommend you to read it.

If there are, and there always are, people that you can't stand, they are going to leap out of the pages of this book. There is always that ONE boss that really got under your skin, the is always ONE family member that sends you running for your room when they arrive, there is always that ONE friend that really shouldn't be called that, there is always that ONE sales check out clerk that makes a purchase nearly unbearable. This book goes a long way to make you recognize and name these people, but, just a little too short on how to deal with these people. It is more comic reading, than heavy psychological reading. Don't expect to suddenly love the people you can't stand, or even develop adequate skills in dealing with them, but you will realize that it is OK to feel the way you do about them. Anybody would.

You know these people from the office: the dominating Tank, the undermining Sniper, the explosive Grenade and the smarmy Know-It-All. For your sake, here's hoping you only have one or two of them running around your cubicle farm. Unfortunately, the work world is fraught with complainers, cheats, toadies and downers. To avoid becoming a downer yourself, you need coping strategies. Authors Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner describe 10 difficult, if slightly contrived, personalities and provide communications techniques for dealing with them. This is not a textbook, being slim on attributions and facts. It is, rather, a feel-good handbook of simple suggestions for using tactics and popular psychology to deal with someone you'd actually rather strangle. Given that choice, conversation is a better strategy. We hope it works for you, and suggests this light but well-intentioned book to human resources professionals, managers with problem employees and you, if you're feeling particularly homicidal about that knuckle-cracking, gum-popping slacker in the next cubby.