Customer Reviews

Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women

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In "Dear John, I Love Jane" those of us who came out later in our lives, and especially after serious relationships with men (and often after having children), have found a place where (as editor Candace Walsh puts it) we could find "retreat that involved a tall stacked-stone fireplace and tumblers of shiraz."

I wanted to connect. But the lesbians I met were not like me. They were Gold Star, they were kids, they had played both sides and were just deciding. They'd always known. In this book I found women like me. I appreciated their stories that shared SO MANY elements with my life. They were honest. They helped me be so as well. They said the things out loud that I was still afraid to say. They used exact terms that floated through my head over these past three years. They described feeling powerful, and feeling lost. They cried over missed events with children, or never looked back on their marriages. Most of them had been with men they described as "good, loving, kind, understanding." They had been in relationships with their best friends. But still they needed to leave. Needed to explore and understand the turmoil inside of them.

I wish I had this book when all this started. Or maybe I don't. Maybe you do need to find some of these things out for yourself. In any case, the book is here now. And it gives a loud and strong voice to women who find their truth in a variety of ways. I didn't always agree with the "hows" but I strongly identified with all the "whys."

The writing is varied and runs from easy and conversational to more disjointed prose. Some of the stories flow effortlessly to a joyous conclusion - some end in pain, and give the impression of one foot in the past, one in the present. Not a great way to live, but very much part of the process.

I keep wondering if this book will resonate beyond women like me. Can it help long-time lesbians understand their partners? Would it be helpful to ex-husbands (I struggle personally with this one). How about parents? Mine are dumbfounded (if not supportive) of my truth. I don't trust that KNOWING more women are like me would help them or not. I'll have to consider it more.

After realizing that my best friend did not seem happy in her marriage or her life and seemed to be becoming more disconnected with me, after 30 years of friendship, I knew that something was wrong and that it was time to confront her. I did so. When she first told me that she was gay and had been living a secret life for the past year, I was shocked, angry and felt betrayed. I looked at her and saw us as friends for so many years. How could she not realize that although I am happily married and have kids that her being gay would not make any difference to our friendship or my opinion of her. She is my best friend. After speaking with her at length over several lunches, I learned a lot about her struggles and anguish that she had been experiencing. Hopefully, my unconditional support helped her to not feel so isolated and ashamed, for no reason. When I found out about this book, I went to buy it and read about other women who had left men for women. After reading the poignant stories in this book, I believe that it will help straight women understand the feelings,emotions, difficulties and ultimate triumphs of women who come out and leave the conformity of relationships or marriages with men to find their true happiness.

As thoughtful and complex as the women who wrote it. I thoroughly savored the auto-biographical intro by co-editors Candace Walsh and Laura Andre, and have really enjoyed the stories. This whole concept of female sexual fluidity at all phases of the life span is truly exquisite - and, like any step into authenticity, a bit unsettling. I really like how Dr. Diamond, and the editors, held to the integrity of true ambiguity - no, these women were not "in denial" in their earlier lives; no, they did not have some mid-life crisis and decide to recklessly "experiment"; no, they have not discounted their former lives as false nor their former partners as one-dimensional patriarchal schmucks. As one author put it, "I was straight. Now I'm gay." Revolutionary. And revelationary. This is the new feminism - transcendent, mysterious, resilient and profoundly feminine.

I am a happily married straight woman and can STILL say that many of these stories resonated very deeply with me. I began reading with a somewhat detatched interest, but was quickly drawn into these women's lives. I feel there is a far more universal theme here than "woman leaves man for another woman." What I took away from it was a great exploration of why we as women so often put everyone else's wants and needs before our own. The authors bare their souls in a way that, I think, makes any woman- gay or straight- do a bit of introspection as well. These courageous woman decided to take the reins when it came to their hapiness and, while perhaps not as "tidy" and "conforming" as before, their lives are the better for it. We could all learn a little something from that!

At 47, after 13 years of marriage to a man, and a life lived completely straight, I was suddenly and inexplicably attracted to a woman. I was sure I'd lost my mind, or was at least having the worst mid-life crisis on record. I frantically, desperately searched for stories of other women like me: women who had always been straight - truly straight - and had only ever been attracted to men. I wasn't secretly gay, nor was I carelessly disregarding life-long lesbian urges. I scoured my history, but recalled no crushes on female teachers or confusing attractions to my college roommates. I was straight. I'd simply always been a girl who only liked boys. So, what was happening to me, now!?!

My research turned up little. I felt completely alone in my experience with no point of reference until Dr. Lisa Diamond's "Sexual Fluidity" Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire was released in 2008. Diamond's book reads like the long research paper it is, but her findings were a relief. For the first time, I knew there were other women like me! Yet, Diamond's book gave me only tiny glimpses into the lives of women who have loved men, but now love women. I desperately wanted to know how other women navigated the transition from straight to lesbian. "Dear John, I Love Jane" gives voice to these women. The stories are recounted by smart, brave women who listen to their hearts and somehow find the courage to pursue the love they most desire. They are honest and unapologetic. Remarkably, all are incredibly gentle with the boyfriends, husbands, children, parents, friends and colleagues who journey with them. These are women I'd like to have as friends. Like many of them, I ended my marriage and now share my life with a woman. It has been three years and no label - gay, straight, bi-sexual - quite fits me. I'm comfortable with that, but know my unexpected change of sexual preference frightens many people. They wonder if I'll change back to being straight. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I find jazz musician, Jeannie Tanner's song "Those That Lie in Between," Those That Lie in Between best describes those of us who exist somewhere outside the sharply defined definitions of sexual preference.

My personal thanks to Candace Walsh and Laura Andre for collecting and sharing these illuminating stories of lives and loves, discovered and transformed. Each story reminds us that though life may be complicated, love is not.

The stories in this book made me laugh, brought me to tears, and inspired anger - over and over again. Its not every day that you can read a bunch of well-written shorts by women who led lives with men, then switched to women, happily. There were no stories of women who chose women and then "saw the light" and went back to men. These are stories that show the anguish of living, loving, and growing with a man - all the while feeling something missing inside. These women fill the void with the love of another woman, which is no easy feat. Every happiness comes with a price. I can relate to these ladies more than I can in stories where the characters have only ever had relationships with women. Thank you so much for giving me something so powerful and enlightening, something I can relate to on the deepest of levels.

The "fluidity" of female sexual orientation is the topic that is front and center to this unique anthology of first person stories, all by lesbians who claim to have primarily considered themselves as heterosexual until a relationship or event later in life changed things. The concept is argued strongly in the forward by a lesbian psychologist and professor who has conducted extensive studies in this area, and further confirmed by the editors in their own first-person stories that follows after that. The book also contains 27 additional personal stories of women who attribute their late realization of this sexuality to a variety of factors, ranging from family pressures and confusion, to simply a lack of opportunity.

This is a new concept for me, previously convinced that sexual orientation is somewhat predetermined at birth, although there are obviously subsequent factors that can delay or postpone indefinitely one acting on their "true" feelings. I personally believe the latter is the more frequent case for most of the women who told their stories here, although a few genuinely seem like an unexpected relationship triggered feelings on its own. Sexuality is, after all, a complicated issue, and this book raises some interesting points. Five stars out of five.

- Bob Lind, Echo Magazine

I am in the middle of reading, Dear John, I Love Jane and am excited to read the remaining stories of these women who have the courage, strength and words that I wish I had almost 4 years ago when I left my husband for the woman of my dreams! My life is defined by whom I love not their gender and to find that there are others who have been confronted with the fears that I felt, along with the confusion and pain of changing the family unit to one that is seen as not traditional, is a relief - I AM NOT ALONE! Thank you ladies!!! If the world just loved we would all be in harmony!

Dear John, I Love Jane is a collection of 27 stories by women who all have one thing in common: they left men for women. Just like I did.

I struggled with my own feelings of attraction to women over the course of my ten year marriage. It didn't mean I was unhappy. Sure, I could have lived like that forever. Sometimes I held my breath but sometimes I was fine. Overall, I just felt numb.

You can imagine the relief and camaraderie I felt when reading these stories. I saw myself in every one of them. Finally, I was understood! I'm not a freak! There are other women who felt the same way.

These women put all their cards on the table, knowing they might win big but could also lose everything, and were brave enough to play that hand anyway.

Each story speaks to the concept of sexual fluidity, something women have known for ages but society is just catching on to.
These stories are fascinating, heartbreaking and hopeful. I highly recommend this book. Go buy it today.

The stories are engrossing, well-crafted, intimate, and dramatic. I felt I was sitting in a room hearing these women's personal stories -- their conflicts, thrills, misgivings (sometimes), and declarations.

Dear John, I Love Jane is an important book. It is more than a lesbian anthology -- it's about women making choices at first that go counter to what they really want or need, then facing and accepting -- and being thrilled by! -- their true natures. It shows women's sexual fluidity in a way we seldom see or acknowledge.

Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
Book:Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty
Kindle blog:Better Than I Ever Expected: Sex and Aging