Customer Reviews

Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book really touched my heart and after discussion with friends about it, I learned that so many shared the sentiments of the author but did not have the courage to talk about it because it would appear they don't love their parents or wish them dead. The author makes very important and courageous points regarding emotions and how a new phase in life really starts once our parents have moved on. It is valid, emotional and so very true. I felt a lightness and freedom after reading it and feel more comfortable sharing this info with my friends. I am not happy that my parents are deceased but I am truly joyous about the new life I discovered after I stopped having to structure my life around their care and well being. It is was a freeing and liberating feeling to focus on my own needs and the needs of my children, when in the past, parents needs were so demanding and time intensive, I was always living feeling guilty about not serving them enough or guilty about not being able to focus on kids. It was simply too much for an only child. I am thankful for this book ~ It is a treasure

The author has done a great service by sharing her advice on how to endure and possibly benefit from the death of a parent. She recommends that someone seeking to benefit from the passing of a parent take three main actions: construct a narrative history of your parent's life, conduct a psychological inventory of your parent's character, assessing which parts of the legacy you wish to keep or discard; and actively seek new experiences and relationships based upon one's experience and decisions based upon the narrative and inventory. The four-part "psychological inventory of your parent's character" was the most useful part of the book for me. Having recently lost a parent, it was very helpful to me to realize that I have some control over which parts of a parental legacy I retain. That being noted, I cannot give this book more than three stars; it was truly only "ok" in my assessment. The majority of the book is anecdotes from individuals who experienced liberation of some sort after the death of a parent. These anecdotes were occasionally interesting but ultimately tiring to me for several reasons. First, many of the persons whose stories gave rise to the anecdotes seem anything but typical, and they seemed to be drawn heavily from families which had experienced parental abandonment or abuse of either a physical or sexual nature. As a result, it was difficult for me (who had a merely difficult relationship with a recently deceased parent) to relate to the sense of "death benefit" proclaimed by these individuals. Moreover, it is not that significant a revelation to think that one might enjoy a psychological benefit after the death of a truly abusive or derelict parent. It would have been a more useful exercise to share more stories from children of merely difficult parents and how they can move beyond a parent's death in a positive fashion. Many of the story-tellers in the book are extremely un-self-aware and somewhat unattractive people; one woman described her father as a "Grade A Narcissist," and yet that same label could have easily been applied to many of the individuals profiled in the book. Finally, I found the whole "actively seek new experiences and relationships" portion of the stories (and the larger analysis) to be less than helpful; my recollection is that most of the story-tellers in the book went on a trip, bought something, changed careers, got a new wardrobe, redecorated, etc. I guess that economically "normal" people would just take a walk around the block or something less materialistic than the apparently affluent individuals whose stories make up the bulk of the book. Again, not fatal to the premise of the book, but neither the choice of stories and length of the book aided the persuasiveness or appeal of the author's thesis. I cannot help concluding that this would have been a better article than a book.

This is a wonderful book for any adult who's just lost parent(s).

Normally, books that purport to advise people in this situation are not much help (being full of stern warnings to hire psychotherapists and financial advisers), but this one really is different.

This one is about you. After all, you're still living.

It doesn't feel like it after you've planned a funeral (or two) and cleaned out a house from 1953, but you actually are still alive. And in this book, that's actually even OK. It's a true how-to on how to reassemble yourself, only stronger, after some big losses.

If other books on this topic have made your feel like your parents' somewhat slipshod and inept paralegal with a really mean boss, give this one a try instead. You'll feel better--and make better decisions.

Usually I don't recommend books about life and family because I don't consider myself an expert. But family issues come up for almost all my clients. They put off career change and even take a leave from their own businesses. And they're frozen with grief.

I loved this book. I can relate to it (my parents died quite a while ago). I have watched my friends and clients go through loss. Nearly all seem to have a mixture of relief and guilt at feeling this relief.

It's a little awkward to recommend this book to friends. "Here's a book that...um...helps you realize how much you're freed up when your parents die." But the book is so good it's worth the social risk.

Safer writes well and she keeps the book focused, with a clear theme. She doesn't sugarcoat the message or urge people to look for kindness and goodness inept parents. Her exercises are few and simple. They're more like coaching than what I think of as therapy, but I suspect they're very powerful.

It's hard to pick out the highlights because (rare for me!) I really liked every chapter. I would call a reader's attention to the chapter on "the last taboo," noting that many people are embarrassed to admit their feelings about the loss. The chapter on religion is particularly sensitive to two diverse responses -- turning away from a parent's religion or returning to a faith that was once abandoned.

In the section on disposing of "stuff," we could note that you don't have to do this yourself. You can hire people who will go through furniture and clothing, sorting out what can be sold, what is valuable ad what should be given away. Look under "estate sales" or advertise for help on craigslist.

Safer is a psychologist, so she doesn't explore the broader implications o our new understanding of parent-child relationships. Our society is still set up to demand contributions -- financial and psychological -- from children, even when parents have been indifferent, incompetent, or even abusive. Company policies and legal systems support and even demand parent-child relationships. We need to recognize that families are not what they used to be, and probably they never were.

As an adult who has lost both parents many years ago, I had read in the L.A. Times about DEATH BENEFITS, and just finished the book. It is a tremendous resource to have on hand to understand your feelings and your own grief, and how to work through it to realize "life benefits" which do come out of the death of your parents. The book makes you realize that other adults have gone through the same process, and you see that your feelings are not alone. In my particular case, in losing my mother and getting over her death, I journeyed onto my own life and the ability to have mobility in going back to school, travel and a personal life. My love for my parents has only grown since their death, as I now can understand the issues which they had to face in their own lives, and this is another factor which the book brings to you. I recommend DEATH BENEFITS which = LIFE BENEFITS for all adults who must face the death of their parents, or, siblings.

This was a great book for my needs having just lost my two parents in a short time. I am hopeful and
looking forward to the future.

Dear Joy,
Here is an edited version of your letter that I'd be grateful for permission to include on my website. Please change anything you wish, and get back to me. I wish you the very best in your exploration.
Jeanne Safer

Like your mom, mine was a powerful and painful part of my life. I adored her and was terrified of her rejection and abandonment, and desperately needed her approval and love. I have to admit that even thinking about trying to process my feelings about her brings up fear of hurting her in the spirit world, which it totally nuts! But I am willing to excavate the mine of emotions in order to finally let her go--both for my benefit and hers. I did not know this until I read your book. It touches on issues that I was not even aware of because I dissociated them. I know my work as an artist will become much more powerful through this inner work. I am also planning to show the book to my therapist and use it in my therapy. A lot of women who have issues with their dead mothers will benefit. All this because of your taking the risk to write your story.

Meredith C, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

This is a letter that I wrote after reading Death Benefits. The book has openned my mind to a new way of viewing my relationship with my mother and has helped me to use the process to begin healing. I am so blessed to have found her book and heard her story.I also formed an online group in order to help others and welcome new members.

Joy C.Hellman
N.C.

Healing Through the Death of a Parent MSN

....a recent phone call with my only sibling. I lost my parents within one year, and I don't have the issues or problems many of the author's subjects had. The book left me wondering how it applies to me when there is no regret or sorrow for my past, just sorrow for my loss. THEN I had this conversation with my brother, who has always made me feel less than adequate as an adult if not a person. His family, especially his wife, finds fun in mocking me and putting me down. I then remembered what the author said about deciding what to do with the people in your life. My parents were adamant that I get along with my brother and his family, I suspect because they both had troubles with their own siblings. I think the lesson for someone like me may be about coming into my own identity at this point with my parents gone -- and knowing it's OK to like yourself and leave behind the people who make you feel otherwise.

i had a difficult relationship with my mother. i adored her and loved her but she could not express herself and could not stand up for me on certain issues that were important to my survival. she passed away two and a half weeks back after fighting cancer for three years...reading this book has really helped me and given me the courage to go on
i feel free now to go ahead and live my life and reach my potential in every area...
i am really thankful to Jeanne Safer for freeing me from guilt and making me realise that it is ok to feel relieved and free when you get out of a difficult relationship...
i love my mother and always will and now am able to understand her better...death has bought us closer...strange as it may sound...

Bhakti Mathur
Hong Kong

I read this book when it was recommended to me after a parent's death. A friend recently talked to me about problems she continues to have with her elderly mother. I told her I had just the book for her, so this purchase was a gift.