Customer Reviews

Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss

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I found this book right when it was starting to look unavoidable that I would lose my 29-year-old husband to cancer. He is still here for the moment, and we've started hospice. Barbara Roberts gives you a good idea of what to expect from hospice, and the experience of having your loved one die at home through hospice. It is not easy to read in the emotional sense, but it's a quick read - I read most of it in a night. It is difficult to read, but gives you hope that you can find comfort and support from hospice whether you are the terminally ill person or their caregiver. I would recommend it to anyone who has a loved one or friend who is either trying to make the choice whether or not to do hospice, or is already on hospice and you want/need an idea of what to expect. The book also makes a strong argument for thinking hard about whether or not chemo (or other similarly strong treatment for other conditions) is really a good idea, based on what will be gained - or lost - by seeking or foregoing treatment. She also makes a good argument for making all possible arrangements for the death ahead of time - memorial service, funeral, whom to notify, personal messages, etc.

If you are in this horrible situation, this is a good book to give you a basic idea of what to expect and some hope that you can find support and guidance during this terrible time.

In this moving, candid, and personal story, former Oregon governor Barbara Roberts talks about the year long process of losing her husband, and the much longer process of grieving after his death. The book begins in December, 1993 in the Governor's Mansion in Salem, OR, as a grieving Governor Roberts comes home at night to hug the urn with her husband's ashes, kiss his photograph, and tell him how her day went. Although Roberts acknowledges that some might find this kind of grieving 'not appropriate' 'weird' or 'crazy' , she emphasizes that whatever form of grieving brings the most comfort to the suffering is the best kind. She also says of the grieving process 'it will take as long as it takes.'

Four years after surviving prostate cancer, State Senator Frank Roberts was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in October, 1992. He and Barbara were both astonished when his doctor then suggested chemotherapy. The couple quickly rejected the suggestion, and instead turned to Hospice. Throughout the book, Roberts praises Hospice and their outstanding care for her husband and support for his family. She describes how Hospice was there for them right up until Frank's death on Halloween 1993, three weeks after a stroke had taken away his ability to speak.

For Roberts, as for others, the grieving process was a long and sometimes painful journey. The memories of her husband, triggered by anything from a sunset to his personal belongings, would bring back a flood of memories that caused sadness and loneliness. Gradually, though, the memories turned to feelings of warmth, as she could celebrate Frank's life and except his loss.

Senator Frank Roberts was an early sponsor of the 'Death with Dignity Act' that Oregon voters voted into law a year after his death. Governor Roberts ends her book strongly defending the controversial law (that exists only in Oregon) and praising Oregon for being a leader in the use of Hospice care and pain management for the dying. Facing death is difficult for most of us. In this book, Barbara Roberts makes it much more acceptable.

Beautifully written with helpful information about Hospice and end of life care with a loved one. I especially appreciated the ideas about grieving. Gov. Roberts talks about how grieving is necessary and helpful, yet society wants people to move on much too quickly and has firm ideas about appropriate ways to grieve.

When looking for a book on this topic, I wanted to read someone's experiences in dealing with a spouse on hospice and dealing with death. That is exactly what I found in this book. It was comforting to read. Some of the decisions I was going back and forth on, I was able to feel good making after reading this book. It lets you feel that it is ok to grieve what ever way you want.

I was first given this book when my younger sister was very sick. It helped answer so many questions, both before and after she passed away. I was so impressed with the book that I now order multiple copies to have on hand to share with other family members, friends, co-workers, etc., to move thru this most difficult time.

I picked up a copy of this book at my local library when my Dad became suddenly ill and shortly after passed away. There is advise in this book for both dealing with the crisis of a loved one passing and the aftermath. I found the information very valuable and useful; so much so that I ordered copies from Amazon to send to other members of my family.

I really enjoy this book and find it very helpful. I have read it many times before purchasing it. Although, Amazon did ship my shipment and it was damaged. I was disappointed with this.