Customer Reviews

Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond

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In this book, author Anne Sheffield offers excellent support to those who are involved wiht someone who is struggling with depression. The best thing about this book is the way in which it both normalizes and validates the responses of the non-depressed partner, assuring the reader that they are not going crazy and that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration and confusion. Sheffield also provides plenty of helpful information and advice, including educational information about depression, strategies for persuading your partner to seek help, ideas on how to set limits with your partner, and guidelines for deciding whether to stay or leave.

I think that most people who are living with a depressed mate will find this book to be extremely helpful, but I did have a few minor criticisms. First of all, although this book was born out of the message boards that are a part of Sheffield's Depression Fallout web site, I felt that she relied a bit too heavily on the anecdotal information posted by online users. Secondly, Sheffield also has a tendency to rely on anecdotal information from her own experiences (she grew up with a depressed mother, and she herself suffers from depression), which results in occasional overgeneralizations. For example, she emphasizes that ALL people who are depressed are angry--not necessarily the case. Similarly, she laughingly dismisses therapists who suggest to the non-depressed partner that the problem might lie in the relationship--isn't it possible for someone to be depressed AND be legitimately unhappy with their relationship at the same time? Sheffield seems to say no. Finally, her overall attitude comes across as quite pessimistic, offering only brief glimpses of hope that perhaps the relationship can be saved.

Despite these issues, I definitely feel that this book is a worthwhile read, and as a psychologist, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to any clients in this situation.

An important book I will be immediately recommending.

I have always included the topic of the effects of depression on relationships, marriages, and families when I give talks on depression, but you seldom find the topic addressed at length. Finally, someone has given it the attention it needs.

Author Anne Sheffield, who grew up with a depressed mother and has suffered from depression herself (and who acknowledges she has inflicted that suffering onto her relationships), knows her subject and it shows.

Her knowledge has grown via the thousands of visitors to her website message board (www.depressionfallout.com) who write of their struggles and lessons from being the partner of someone depressed. A post on this message board prompted and grew into this book.

Depression Fallout helps you understand what depression looks and feels like from the sufferer's viewpoint as well as from their partner's (and their children's) perspective.

People who are depressed have similarities. They tend to devalue themselves and their relationships. They erode bonds by their self centered, pessimistic, and irritable tendencies. Their depression confuses them - one day they don't know what they feel, the next day they need you, and the following day they've decided they never loved you to begin with.

Depression fallout is what happens to you if you're on the receiving end of this illness. You probably move through stages of confusion, self-blame, demoralization, resentment, and a longing to be free of your partner and their depression.

If this is you, please read the book. You'll find stories to bolster your sagging self esteem and you'll learn ways to handle your communication with your partner. There's an excellent section on psychotherapy and medication (her section on meds includes some very specific and up-to-date info).

Once you've read the book, get into counseling if you're not already.

Finally, go check out the posts on her message board (www.depressionfallout.com) for some friendly support and understanding. You'll even find a few laughs - click on the postings of jokes, there are some good ones!

It is an amazing concept, to realize there is a messageboard somewhere in cyberspace populated with people like me, not just people who love a depressed partner, but people who suffer the confusion, the hope, the anger, the torment, and the surreality of it all. Even more amazing is this book: Anne has packed a huge body of folk knowledge and professional knowledge into these pages, both from the messageboard the book was based on and from psychiatrists and the mental health community. And that's what really made this book ring true for me; in reading what other wives and husbands were going through, in their own words, I was suddenly able to believe that I was not alone. I've spent so much time telling my partner that he is not alone, that millions of people suffer from depression. It never occurred to me that I must, therefore, also not be alone; there must also be other people who are struggling to lead good lives in spite of trying to love a depressive.

Anne's book offers a lot of practical suggestions about how you can do both: be fair and loving to your partner and also genuinely enjoy your own life. She doesn't sugarcoat it, and by being honest, she shows you how there is a way through, that by using your basic sense of fair play and a respect for your own well-being, you can once again create a world that makes sense.

Without even telling my partner I've read this book, I have changed some of my interaction with him for the better, and I can see it having a positive effect not only on me, but on him. I am looking forward to future improvements, as I implement and practice more of Anne's advice.

When my wife relapsed into depression, I knew what it was because of our previous experience. But I was surprised at how unprepared I was to respond to her. I found myself sinking into my own depression.

When I went to a psychologist to get advice on how to draw her out and get her to a doctor, I found little help. All his "exercises" for dealing with depression were aimed at working WITH the depressed person, AFTER they recognize their need for help. But he offered little help in the process of convincing the depressed spouse that they have a problem and need to see a doctor in the first place.

This book was a breath of fresh air. It helped me understand what is going on inside my wife's head, and why she reacts to me the way she does. It also helped me to understand how I can gently nudge her in the direction of getting help.

My biggest disappointment with this book is its cavalier attitude towards marriage. Marriage is treated as nothing more than a live-in relationship with some extra legal paperwork involved. The decision to "leave" or "stay" with your depressed spouse is treated as an abstract decision. If you are committed to your marriage, you should skip the chapters that deal with "mending or breaking" the bond.

My husband got depression completely out of the blue a couple of years ago. He is 28 and we have been together for 7 years. Although I knew he 'had depression' it wasnt until reading this book that I really understood just how much of my husband's life and personality was affected by the disease. Reading this book helped me realise when it was the depression talking and how my husband was thinking. At the time, my husband had got into the routine of telling me I should leave him becasue he was worthless etc. It was breaking my heart. I was relieved and shocked to read about this exact scenario in Depression Fallout. Anne Sheffield has wriiten a remarkable book that will help the non-depressed spouse to understand what depression is doing, how not to take things so personally and how to communicate with the depressed partner in order to bring about change. It doesnt give false hope and isnt all doom and gloom either. This book really changed my life and has helped me to help my husband as well as myself. He is now well on the way to recovery and I really feel that this is in part due to my renewed understanding of his condition.

This is a wonderful book. I've recommended it to many people who are trying to love and live with someone with depression--a truly difficult task. Sheffield is a terrific writer, her style is easy and engaging, and she has a wealth of practical advice to offer. Her stories of people who've talked to her about this problem are sure to strike a chord in the reader. She is addressing a very serious problem, because people with depression will often do everything they can to alienate those who love them, thus adding more guilt and more trouble to their already out-of-control lives.

I didn't purchase this book until my depressed ex abruptly broke up with me. I was so hurt, living in a hell, until I read this book. It helped me to understand what is in the depressive's mind, and why the relationship always gone sour. There are many examples and cases to let you know how others in your situation deal with their own problem. A lot of times it is just like reading my (our) story.

However, I read it too late, my ex had already broke up with me and then stop trusting the doctor and stop taking medication after this session ended. No matter how hard to I tried, to help him and to control myself, I still end up with being rejected. Guess we had passed the point of no return and he doesn't want us back.

So please!! Read this book as soon as you discover or suspect your love one is suffering from depression! Save yourself and save your depressed love one!

This book probably saved my husband's life, our marriage and definitely my sanity.

by the time I got this book I was in stage 5 of the fallout from my husband's depression. I was going to end the marriage. Then I picked up this book and it has changed our life. I realized that I was doing most everything wrong and exacerbating the situation. I so strongly recommend this book to any significant other who is trying to cope with a loved one's depression. I has been a godsend.

Anne's books have been so helpful to me. I wish I had found them years ago. This book in particular is so important because it addresses the dynamics of the relationship between couples. It gives wonderful advice about how to help your loved one cope with the illness, as well as how to help yourself. It is honest, heartfelt, supportive and very realistic. If you are married or in a committed relationship with someone who is depressed (or even if you THINK they are), GET THIS BOOK!

This book was exactly what I needed to help me understand my husband's depression. My world was turned upside down when he suddenly began to act like a different person. After his hospitalization, I was left wondering what happened. Upon looking up depression on tons of websites and in loads of books, I was convinced he had been misdiagnosed. The "sad, empty, lonely" description didn't explain the hostile, angry, and seemingly emotionless person I was now living with. All of that was explained in Depression Fallout. The "Unofficial Symptoms" in the book described my husband's behavior to a T. I felt like I was reading about us. My husband also agreed that this book contained the most accurate description of the way he felt, but could not easily put into words. The real life accounts of people who have lived with and are still living with this are great. It creates a true picture of depression from the point of view of both the depressed person as well as their spouse.